Jason rings at my door, showing up with herbal tea and a cake.
“Morning hunk!” I greet him.
“I’m just checking on you, I believe it’s my duty as future uncle”.
“Come in” and as he walks ahead of me to my tiny kitchen I take my time checking his butt *one sexy butt I must say, stop it! Focus!*
“What are you up today?” I ask him.
“We have a photoshoot, we will be stuck in a studio until 8 tonight. Why?” and he cuts a slice of cake handing it to me.
I take it, “Thanks. I need to get my staff from Howard’s house, now I have a place to put it and I would like him to be out of my way” and I smile weakly.
“You cannot lift weights”
“I know, I’ll just bring boxes, I’ll fill them up and have someone taking care of them afterwards”
He looks around him “you’ll never be able to fit all your things in here”
“I can do magic my dear, just wait and see. Jason?”
“What?”
“Don’t tell him, I don’t want to see you beloved friend”.
I walk to Howard’s front door. My door. I step inside. Nothing has changed. Two weeks and it seems nothing happened. I place the boxes on the floor and I go through our books. I bite my lip not to laugh. Who am I kidding they’re all mine, with few, negligible exceptions. I start taking them down the shelves and into the boxes. My eye is caught by a framed picture on the coffee table. We took it on Jo’s wedding day. We’re smiling and we look really happy, we were really happy. I carefully pack it too. I pass to scan the CDs, it’s too complicated, I decide to take some U2’s and Eric Clapton’s greatest hits leaving everything else behind. I need to get rid of some of my baggage. I look at the boxes and I sigh. I’ve packed a good chunk of my life in less than 3 hours. I look toward the stairs; the hardest part is yet to come. I walk upstairs like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I slowly push the door of our bedroom open. My heart skips a bit. My hand lotion is still on my nightstand as is the book I was reading 2 weeks ago, I open it and my bookmark falls on the floor. A note Howard left me on a mirror few months ago, all decorated with smiling faces and telling me how much he loves me. I feel a lump in my throat. I place the book back and open the wardrobe. I slowly start taking all my clothes, and shoes and handbags. Among my shirts I find one that belongs to Howard. I love it and I used to wear it around the house. I bring it to my face, hoping to find a trace of his smell.
“You can keep it if you want”.
I nearly jump out of my skin and I turn around. I stare at Howard, sitting on the bed, like the day I left. He looks tired.
“You scared me!” I tell him.
“I’m sorry…”
“How long have you been there spying on me?”
“I wasn’t spying, I was looking at you”
“I thought you were supposed to work”
“Jason wasn’t feeling very well, we cancelled the session”
“Jason…” I whisper to myself.
“Don’t blame him, he’s just trying to do his best. I saw the boxes. So it is true, it’s over”
I breathe deep “So can I keep it?” and I hold out his t-shirt.
“Sure” and looks at me running his fingers trough his hair “Isn't this the moment when one of us is supposed to say, look, this is ridiculous, we love each other, let's see if we can sort things out?”
“Love has never been an issue, and you know it. I’m still scary spice Howard. And I’m getting scarier as we speak.”
“Jason told me you always look so sad. You used to laugh all the time”. He leans his back on the bed “shit, this is so fucking complicated”.
“No, it’s not” I’m becoming too emotional, I need to change subject “Boy you’re mother is really mad at you”
“Did you talk to her?”
“Yep…did she make you cry?”
“It’s not funny”
“Speak for yourself” and I try to smile. I look around me and I sigh heavily “That was the last thing. I’m done here”.
“Can you stay for dinner? We could spend some time together…please”.
My heart is screaming *yes* but I cannot afford to be too close to him “No, we better not”.
He looks at me, he’s so sad “this is yours” he says giving me a Tiffany’s box.
“A break-up gift?” *why don’t I keep my big mouth shut?*
He places on the bed. “Saturday was our anniversary, I bought it before you left me” he says quietly.
*I completely forgot*
He looks defeated. “If you give me your new address I’ll have someone deliver all the boxes to you”.
“Thanks” and I write it on a piece of paper. He looks at it “it’s a shitty area” he hisses.
“Said the heir to the throne” I tell him sarcastically.
“I’m just trying to show you I care. Fuck you!” he hisses.
I places my hands on my hips “after you darling”. I look at him, his eyes are a dark shade of a stormy blue, I know what’s coming. He needs it so I simply stay there, waiting for the waves to hit the rock.
“ALL THAT IS HAPPENING, TO US, IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU AND YOUR STUPID MATERNAL SENSE! WE COULD HAVE WAITED! WE COULD STILL BE TOGETHER”
“It takes two to tango, this baby is yours too”, I’m the rock he’s the wave.
“DON’T TALK ABOUT IT!”
“I was only trying to…”
I’M SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD DO!”
“You’re right. I took my decision and you took yours. No-one can say who’s right. Maybe we’re both wrong”
“FOR FUCK’S SAKE, YELL AT ME, I WANT TO FIGHT, I WANT YOU TO SCREAM AT ME AND CALL ME NAMES”
I shake my head “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
He stands up and get close to me cupping my face “please”.
“I can’t fight with you knowing we won’t have great make up sex afterwards”.
He chokes, “we could”.
I want him so bad, I miss him so much, my body aches “No, I can’t afford it”. I bury my fingers into his curls and place my lips on his, we stay there for what it feels like eternity, he slides his hands on my waist and I feel his tongue searching for access. I pull back “I’m sorry” and I leave.
I get back home to find Russell sitting with his back against my door. “What are you doing here?” I ask annoyed
“You look like shit”
“And you’re so charming, sod off, I’m not in the mood”
“I have Chinese take-away” he says smiling.
I sigh, “You can come in then” I say stepping over him.
“Did you see Howard?”
“Is it so obvious?”
He nods. I look at him. He’s almost as tall as Howard. “Russ?”
“What?” he answers setting the table.
“I’m really tired, I’m not hungry and I survived what is probably the worst day of my life” I sigh “I would really use a sympathy shag right now, nothing romantic, just sex”
He stares at me, drops the forks his holding on the table and walks toward me taking his jumper off.
I bite my lip “can I take it as a yes?”
“I thought you were never going to ask” he says starting unbuttoning my shirt.
In the meantime Mark is sitting in Jason’s leaving room with Howard and Jo.
“Tell him he needs to pull himself together” Mark tells Jay.
“He’s an adult and he knows what’s best” he replies.
“No he doesn’t! He thinks he’s in luvvvv, but let me tell you, once he’s out there he’s a killer! A sex killer!” and laughs.
“Leave him alone, this clubbing thing has to stop, you’re just messing up with him, he’ll be a father in a few months, whether he likes it or not”.
Jo looks at the two of them and says “if this was Jerry Springer that’s the moment Titti comes up from the audience and beats the crap out of you Mark”.
Howard is lying on the sofa and covers his face with a pillow “would you stop talking about me like I’m not here? It’s really annoying”.
“You’re right mate, I tell you what” Mark says taking the pillow off his face and forcing him to stand up “we’re going banjj jumping first and banji shagging later”.
Howard follows him, “Jay you need to save me, at this rate I’ll be dead by the beginning of the tour”.
“I’ll take care of it” Jason tells him “you hang in there Doug!”
“It would take less effort to accept your responsibilities Howard” Jo tells him.
He stops and turns to look at her “you don’t know what you’re talking about”.
“No, you don’t know what you’re talking about and you have no clue what you’re doing either! You should be with her now instead of wasting your time with Mark” and says Mark like it’s a blasphemy.
“Don’t look at me like that” Mark protests “I’m just trying to be supportive, am I the only one who thinks a man has the right to choose too? So they get pregnant, she wants it, he doesn’t want it, why is he to blame and not her?”
“Mark, you lost your moral compass” she hisses.
“Whatever you say, we’re out of here!” and pushes Howard outside.
Jason and Jo stare at each other, “I need to teach the humpa lumpa a lesson” she says
“Honey please… you’re pregnant, there’s no need to worry about him”
“I’m not worried, I’ll just make his life a living hell!”
“You can be so scary sometimes…”
Russell and I are in bed, he’s caressing my hair “that was fun” he says while kissing my head.
“Yes, it was, but it means nothing, you know that, right?”
He laughs burying his mouth into the nape of my neck “you’re every guy’s dream, you want sex and no commitment. I could almost marry you for that”
I smack his chest “scemo, we’re friends”
“We’re naked friends” he points out holding me tighter “in bed”.
“We’re friends with benefits” and I giggle.
“Howard is a moron, can you tell me why he left you?”
“What makes you think I was ditched?”
“I guess the fact you had sex with me to take your mind off of him gave the hint”
“I got news for you buddy! I’m the one who left”
He looks at me surprised, “and it was about time” he lies on his side so he can face me “and maybe one day you’ll tell me what you see in him”.
“You’re not becoming all sappy on me, aren’t you Russell?”
“Never”.
“Good, do you think we can have that Chinese now?”
He laughs “you stay here, dinner in bed”.
While he’s in the kitchen I call Jo.
“Want to hear something crazy?” I ask her
“Always”
“I shagged Russ”
“It was about time! That’s a relief!”
“What are you talking about? I said Russ not Doug, aren’t you shocked?”
“I’m relieved I’m telling you, we’re going through the same hormonal tempest and I saw the way you were checking my husband out. I feared I had to knock you down at some point”
“I would never touch Jay, I would look at him a lot, but not touch him”.
“Really? Because I was checking Howard out before and I would definitely give it a try”.
“Cow”.
“The slapper said”.
We both laugh; I hear noises “I think he’s coming back, talk to you later”.
I move the rice around the container using my fork. “Are you on a diet? I’ve never seen you eating” Russell asks me stuffing his face.
“No, I just had a lot of ice-cream before”
“Sure. May I ask you a personal question?”
“Hum, we’re sitting on my bed, naked, having dinner, I guess you can” and I laugh.
“Cool! Did you have a boob job?”
I almost choke “WHAT?”
“Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against it, but I think the girls were perfect before. Now they’re … bigger”
“The girls… I almost forgot you used to call them that” I need to focus on something really sad not to laugh “they’re not bigger, it’s just an impression” I manage to answer.
“Never question a man’s expertise when it comes to boobs, we love boobs, boobs are all we can think about…”
“I get it! Enough with the boobs talk, I did not have any job done” and I roll my eyes.
He places his food on the floor and takes mine off my hand. “Second round on the way darling”
“Ok dude” and I lick my lips.
“Just close your eyes…” and starts kissing his way down my body. It feels so good. He starts licking my belly button and I simply whisper “Howard…” I realize what I said when I hear him moving away from me.
I open my eyes “Of God, Russ, I’m sorry”.
“Me too” and starts getting dressed. I stare at him, there’s nothing I can say now. I hear the door close and I cover my head with my pillow *I’m one pathetic slapper*
martedì 9 ottobre 2007
lunedì 8 ottobre 2007
I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE DJ 5
Russell and I are standing in the living room of what could become my new apartment. He walks around opening every door and every drawer, checking every hinge. I look at him puzzled. He winks back at me and whispers “it works every time, it’s to make him nervous. Sun Tzu, The Art of War, basic stuff woman” and points at the real estate agent. He looks nervous and is staring at us with a polite smile on his face.
“It’s small” he says to me making sure he can hear us.
“I don’t need much space, and it has large windows”, Russ looks at me and rolls his eyes.
“There’s a tube stop at the end of the road and we could give you the kind of lease you asked for” the real estate agent adds.
Russell crosses his arms “It’s too expensive”
“But Dr. Martini said the price range was fine” he tries to rebut.
“She was wrong”.
I give him my killer look but he ignores it. “Now, if you bring the price down to…” and writes some figure on a note giving it him “we could think about it”.
‘We?’ I mouth but he doesn’t even bother to acknowledge me.
“I’m sorry I can’t” he answers him
“Fine, we’re out here, it was nice, pointless but nice to meet you” he tells him coldly gesturing me to follow him.
“No, wait, alright, Dr. Martini’s references are what the owner was looking for… we have a deal?” the real estate agent stops him.
Russell smile, “we do buddy!” and they shake hands. Then he walk to me “piece of cake, those Brits!” whispers shaking his head. “But are you sure about this? It’s a major change from the English trash’s mansion. The good thing is the moment Howard sees it he will come to your rescue. He would never let his princess live in this damp”
“It’s not a damp, it’s homey and charming”
“And a shoe box”
“Money doesn’t bring happiness” I answer him.
Russell nods “But can buy it!” and giggles.
“Maybe…!”
We go back to the agency where I sign the papers “I’ll have to break the news to Jo tonight” I tell him.
“A six months lease only… so the rumors are true, you’re going at Columbia”.
“Don’t know what you’re talking about” and I lower my eyes.
“You’re the worst liar I’ve ever met. I have a friend in New York and he told me he came across your CV during a department meeting. Thinking you were still with Howard I told him there’s was no chance of you moving to the US. I guess I was wrong”
“How many people know about it?”
“Very few, the elite I would say” and smirks, “but rumors spread fast”
“Great, so I’ll have two news to break tonight”.
I’m having dinner with Jo and Jason.
“Howard was really sorry about the picture” he says.
“Whatever, he’s free to do what he likes and who he likes” I mumble.
“He’ll come back to his senses” Jo tells me.
I sigh and try to smile “I found a place to leave”
“What? No way, you’ll stay here with us”
“No, yours is a very generous offer and I might come to enjoy some good meal every once in while but I need my space and so do you”.
“You cannot leave alone” Jason says.
“Yes I can, I’m pregnant not sick. And I also have something else to tell you”
They’re both staring at me. I sigh “it’s not official yet but there’s a high chance I’ll be moving to New York next year. I applied for a teaching position at Columbia, it’s tenure track and it’s Columbia, I couldn’t say no”.
Jo keeps staring at me “after all you did to come to London… you’re throwing it all away because of him? You love working at King’s, you love it here. You have friends. What are you going to do in NY all alone? And with a newborn baby? Don’t you remember how much you hated it when you lived there?”
“It’s time to change” I whisper
“Let him move! I’ll talk to him. He could go back to Manchester, or the Moon. This is not the right time to turn your life upside down” she says.
“I’ve done it already. If they offer me the job I’ll go”.
“You’re so full of crap! Now I know why you love Howard so much, you’re just like him!” she yells.
“Well! Since you’re my friend I guess you’re not so perfect either!” I yell back.
Jason stands up “ladies please, no need to..”
“Stay out of it!” we both yell at him.
I look at her “I’m no longer hungry, I’m going to bed” and storm out of the room.
Around midnight I walk down to the kitchen to pillage the fridge to find Jo’s already doing it.
“Hi” I say
“Hi yourself”
“Is there anything left?”
“Ice-cream” and she brings a spoonful of chocolate to her mouth.
“Good, want to share?”
She nods. “Are you still going to the new world?” she asks.
“I have to”
“Bullshit”
“Do you have any idea how much it hurts to see pictures of Howard smiling to someone else the way he used to smile at me?”
“I wish there was something I could do”
“You could kill every woman in town age 18-35”
“I’ll see what I can do. I am sorry”
“I know, he can’t even name the baby. And I cannot stay here looking at you and Jason constantly reminding me of what I cannot have”
“Sod It!”
“Sod it! Spoon?” and I sit in front of her. She gives me one. “Thanks” I say and we start eating our Belgian Chocolate out of the container.
“Russell fancies you, he always has” she tells me.
“Yeah, I know”.
“Go for it”.
“He could be Howard’s evil brother, thanks but no thanks, if I really have to I’d go for the British edition…” and giggle.
“But he’s nice to you, unlike the British edition”.
I raise my eyebrow “sure, only because he doesn’t know it yet, as Howard pointed out, I don’t look pregnant”
“Wicked!”
“It’s small” he says to me making sure he can hear us.
“I don’t need much space, and it has large windows”, Russ looks at me and rolls his eyes.
“There’s a tube stop at the end of the road and we could give you the kind of lease you asked for” the real estate agent adds.
Russell crosses his arms “It’s too expensive”
“But Dr. Martini said the price range was fine” he tries to rebut.
“She was wrong”.
I give him my killer look but he ignores it. “Now, if you bring the price down to…” and writes some figure on a note giving it him “we could think about it”.
‘We?’ I mouth but he doesn’t even bother to acknowledge me.
“I’m sorry I can’t” he answers him
“Fine, we’re out here, it was nice, pointless but nice to meet you” he tells him coldly gesturing me to follow him.
“No, wait, alright, Dr. Martini’s references are what the owner was looking for… we have a deal?” the real estate agent stops him.
Russell smile, “we do buddy!” and they shake hands. Then he walk to me “piece of cake, those Brits!” whispers shaking his head. “But are you sure about this? It’s a major change from the English trash’s mansion. The good thing is the moment Howard sees it he will come to your rescue. He would never let his princess live in this damp”
“It’s not a damp, it’s homey and charming”
“And a shoe box”
“Money doesn’t bring happiness” I answer him.
Russell nods “But can buy it!” and giggles.
“Maybe…!”
We go back to the agency where I sign the papers “I’ll have to break the news to Jo tonight” I tell him.
“A six months lease only… so the rumors are true, you’re going at Columbia”.
“Don’t know what you’re talking about” and I lower my eyes.
“You’re the worst liar I’ve ever met. I have a friend in New York and he told me he came across your CV during a department meeting. Thinking you were still with Howard I told him there’s was no chance of you moving to the US. I guess I was wrong”
“How many people know about it?”
“Very few, the elite I would say” and smirks, “but rumors spread fast”
“Great, so I’ll have two news to break tonight”.
I’m having dinner with Jo and Jason.
“Howard was really sorry about the picture” he says.
“Whatever, he’s free to do what he likes and who he likes” I mumble.
“He’ll come back to his senses” Jo tells me.
I sigh and try to smile “I found a place to leave”
“What? No way, you’ll stay here with us”
“No, yours is a very generous offer and I might come to enjoy some good meal every once in while but I need my space and so do you”.
“You cannot leave alone” Jason says.
“Yes I can, I’m pregnant not sick. And I also have something else to tell you”
They’re both staring at me. I sigh “it’s not official yet but there’s a high chance I’ll be moving to New York next year. I applied for a teaching position at Columbia, it’s tenure track and it’s Columbia, I couldn’t say no”.
Jo keeps staring at me “after all you did to come to London… you’re throwing it all away because of him? You love working at King’s, you love it here. You have friends. What are you going to do in NY all alone? And with a newborn baby? Don’t you remember how much you hated it when you lived there?”
“It’s time to change” I whisper
“Let him move! I’ll talk to him. He could go back to Manchester, or the Moon. This is not the right time to turn your life upside down” she says.
“I’ve done it already. If they offer me the job I’ll go”.
“You’re so full of crap! Now I know why you love Howard so much, you’re just like him!” she yells.
“Well! Since you’re my friend I guess you’re not so perfect either!” I yell back.
Jason stands up “ladies please, no need to..”
“Stay out of it!” we both yell at him.
I look at her “I’m no longer hungry, I’m going to bed” and storm out of the room.
Around midnight I walk down to the kitchen to pillage the fridge to find Jo’s already doing it.
“Hi” I say
“Hi yourself”
“Is there anything left?”
“Ice-cream” and she brings a spoonful of chocolate to her mouth.
“Good, want to share?”
She nods. “Are you still going to the new world?” she asks.
“I have to”
“Bullshit”
“Do you have any idea how much it hurts to see pictures of Howard smiling to someone else the way he used to smile at me?”
“I wish there was something I could do”
“You could kill every woman in town age 18-35”
“I’ll see what I can do. I am sorry”
“I know, he can’t even name the baby. And I cannot stay here looking at you and Jason constantly reminding me of what I cannot have”
“Sod It!”
“Sod it! Spoon?” and I sit in front of her. She gives me one. “Thanks” I say and we start eating our Belgian Chocolate out of the container.
“Russell fancies you, he always has” she tells me.
“Yeah, I know”.
“Go for it”.
“He could be Howard’s evil brother, thanks but no thanks, if I really have to I’d go for the British edition…” and giggle.
“But he’s nice to you, unlike the British edition”.
I raise my eyebrow “sure, only because he doesn’t know it yet, as Howard pointed out, I don’t look pregnant”
“Wicked!”
I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE DJ 4
I park my black Audi TT in front of Jason and Jo’s house. It’s only 7 but I’m sure Jay’s up.
I slowly walk up to the door and gently knock. After a few minutes it opens up, Jason is standing in front of me wearing an old t-shirt and sweatpants. “I thought I heard something! What are you doing here so early? Don’t tell we you had one of your fights with Doug hence you come here and he’ll run after you and I’ll end up making breakfast for everyone”
I stand there, biting my lip. He sees my bag.
“Fuck” he hisses and gives me a bear hug “he’s an idiot”.
“Jay I might need a place to stay for a few days”.
“Few days? You’re going nowhere Titti, we have plenty of room”.
“No, really…”
“Shut up!” and kisses my forehead, “let me take you bag, we go inside. I’ll make you a proper breakfast and we’ll talk”
He’s busy putting together the most bizarre combination of ingredients I’ve ever seen “there you go. You taste it and tell me if it isn’t the most delicious thing you’ve ever had”
“No offence, but it looks like vomit Jay”
“Not taken. I’m still working on the presentation, but you know, beauty is only skin deep” and laughs
“I haven’t been able to keep anything down, so if I run to the restroom don’t take it personally”
“It’s going to be fine. I did my homework. This is perfect for morning sickness”
I look at him and he smiles at me, I jump into his arms “congratulations! Oh my god! This is such a great news!”
“We found out yesterday. I practically forced her to do the test and it was positive. Since I have to cook for one pregnant woman I can just cook for two”
“I’m not your responsibility”
“Don’t be silly, and it’s only for a few days. He’ll come back to his senses”
“He cheated on me”
“That’s not true, I guarantee you; I would stake my life on it. Howard sleeping around is part of his past. I’ve spent so much time with him; I know how much he loves you. He has never cheated on you. He wouldn’t do it”
He seems really sure of what he’s saying “if you say so, maybe he’s right, maybe I turned into scary spice…” and I sigh. That’s the moment Jo opens the door to the kitchen and finds us still hugging.
“Nice picture…isn’t a TT member enough? Do you plan to shag your way through all the boy band of the 90s?” she asks me.
I smile “that would be the plan, I just don’t seem to find the blond guy from Westlife, do you know what is he up to now?”
“Weren’t they all blond?”
“No clue” and I laugh “so Jason told me…you should have called me! I had to hear it from him!” and I place my hand on my hips.
“I know, unforgivable” she says
“I am the father!” he pouts
Jo realizes it’s early, it’s Sunday morning and I’m staying in her kitchen “what did he do?” she asks me concerned.
“It’s over” I whisper.
“That half witted moron! You need a license to drive a car but any asshole thinks he can be a father!”
“I guess that’s the whole point, he doesn’t want to be one. We both knew it was going to happen…”
Howard is making some coffee when his mobile rings. “Open the door Doug. I got something for you”
He does it and finds himself standing in front a very much smiling Mark.
“You’re wearing the same clothes you wore last night” Howard says raising his eyebrow.
He gives him a sneaky smile “Amanda and Rachel say hello”.
“Right”.
“Rach found your watch on the restroom floor after you left the club”.
“Who’s Rach?”
“Rachel the blond hot girl you shagged last nigh” and hands him Rolex. “I thought I’d bring it to you before Titti wakes up. That’s also why I didn’t ring the bell. No need to thank me mate”
“I won’t. So I really did it” he says scratching his head “I was really hoping I just imagined it”
“Oh, come on Doug! It was nothing, and Titti doesn’t need to know”
“She’s gone”
“What?”
“Want to come in? Even though I bet the neighbors would just enjoy have a detailed report I’d rather talk to you in private”
They walk into the kitchen “want some coffee Mark?”
“Sure! I’m knackered…those two ladies have some stamina!”
Howard looks at him “did you hear what I just said? She left me”
“And surprisingly the earth still moves and you’re still have alive”
“I love her”
“No, let me correct you, you loved her before the maternal madness possessed her” and pats his shoulder “you’ve been together for a year, now you want different things. It happens. Women are like buses, if you miss one there’s another one coming your direction every few minutes”
“Fuck Mark, you’re one cunning philosopher, no surprise you’re single and miserable”
“I used to be miserable, now, because of you my tall and hot friend I’m so back in the business”
Howard lowers his eyes to look at him “what do you mean?”
“We’re both single now and we’re going to rock the town! Watch out women, the magic duo is back!”
“I don’t want to think about dating; maybe I should just run after her”
“Big mistake, you need to forget about her. She made up her mind. You asked her to wait and she decided to have the baby in spite of what you wanted”
Howard seems to be thinking about it “maybe you’re right…”
“I am mate! It’s time for you to get out from this house! We’ll be on tour in a few months, think of all the fun we can have. We could learn a new sport! Something like wave jumping or ice climbing, or skydiving! The whole world is at our feet Howard!”
“I need to get some sleep first” he answers him rubbing his eyes “and I miss her”
“It’s all in your head. Go take a shower, I’ll wait here ad we go out and have a real breakfast somewhere. For no reason you are to remain here alone to sulk into memories…That’s why I’m here. It all happens for a reason! We’re going to have fun! Maybe we should get a tattoo to celebrate”
He sighs “I’m too old for that, let me call Jason to see if she made it there alright”
“I’ll do it, you go get ready”
Half an hour later they’re ready to go out when Mark picks something up from a corner by the door. He stares at my panties “a heck of a goodbye eh mate?”
Howard takes them from his hand giving him a cold look “none of your business Mark”.
The door to my office opens a little and Jo sticks her head inside “ciao! Going for a tea break, want to come?”
I place some essays on my desk “don’t have time, I need to grade this, procrastination is evil”
“Can I get you something then?”
“No, I’m good”
She walks in “Have you heard from Howard yet?”
“Jo, I told you already, stop asking me that. He hasn’t called and he won’t call. I know him. And I appreciate the fact you want to protect me but I have to accept the fact Mark and him are going from club to club shagging every woman who shows some interest. I took my decision. Don’t worry about me”
“I don’t think he’s doing it. I bet he spends every night home alone thinking of you and he’ll be so sorry when he realizes what he lost”
“To tell you the truth I don’t think it’s going to happen. And he does look happy”
“What do you mean? Have you seen him?”
I take the Sun out of a drawer and show it to her “does he looks like he’s drowning his sorrow to you?” and she stares at a picture taken probably with a mobile. Howard drinking and laughing with a girl sitting on his lap.
Jo takes the newspaper in his hands “I didn’t know…I’m so sorry…”
“Don’t be, I knew it would happen. Now go get your tea, and if they have brownies, I guess I could use some chocolate at the moment” I tell her smiling as I push her out. I close the door leaning my head against it “you said you loved me, and it took you 10 miserable days to replace me”. I bite my lip not to cry when my phone rings. I try to pull myself together.
“Hello?” I sigh
“Titti, it’s Sam”
“Samantha…I’m sorry I should have called you but I thought…”
“What the fuck is going on?”
I smile to myself. She so doesn’t like to get straight to the point. “Excuse me?”
“I’m at the airport, waiting for James’ plane to land. I was killing time flipping through garbage press and I see a picture of my brother with another woman. I called him and he babbled something about you moving out 10 days ago. You know him, I guess he just woke up, so I couldn’t make any sense out of what he said. Useless pathetic sod. So I’m asking you, what the fuck is going on?”
“Sam I thought he called you”
“He didn’t. He called no-one. My mother is going to have a heart attack. What happened?”
“To make a long story short, I left him. He doesn’t want the baby, I cannot force him. I’m staying at Jason’s”
“…You move back in and I’ll make sure he collects his shit and lives you alone. You deserve to have the house. You’re expecting his child for heaven’s sake”
“I don’t want his money, I can do this on my own”
“No you can’t, let me tell you. Hold on” and I hear her yelling her daughter’s name “sorry, Caitlin is having a sugar rush. She ate so much junk food this morning. She’s so excited about seeing her father, you should see her”
“How’s James?”
“He’s fine but he’s been traveling so much to promote Atonement we’ve hardly seen him over the past two months. I drove down to London to pick him up. We’re taking Caitlin to Euro Disney for a few days”
“She’s going to love it and give a big hug to both of them”
“Come with us”
“No, I’m not in the mood”
“We would cheer you up and you need my brother, he’s a cheap shit but let me tell you, having a child is not a walk in the park”
“I’m strong, independent and as the cheap shit said, I used to be funny and smart. I can do it on my own, it’s so trendy to be a single mother” and I lightly bang my head on my desk.
“Listen, I let James and Caitlin go ahead, and I’ll stop in London for a couple of days so we can talk”
“No need to, really, Jo and Jason are truly supportive…”
“How can one man be so endlessly disappointing?”
“You know him, that’s his charm”. None of us is laughing though. “I’ll just have to decide where to have this baby”.
“What you mean? We’re sticking to the original plan. You’re coming to Manchester” she says alarmed.
“Plan changed. I’ve applied for a teaching position at Columbia, they have a large Italian studies dept and they need a new history professor. I know almost everyone there and the chair told me the job is 99% mine. I know the three other people who were short-listed; they don’t stand a chance against me. I’m just waiting for the official letter from the dean. I’ll have a two year contract as off next year. And I’ll be on sabbatical in 2 months, I was supposed to follow Howard…shit” and I bite my lip trying to fight the tears.
“The cheap shit you mean” she interrupts me
“I guess… So I have nothing keeping me here, and no-one waiting for me in Italy. Cannot go to New York yet, my health insurance won’t cover my pregnancy related expenses… I feel displaced, pregnant and displaced, no even better, alone, pregnant and displaced”
“You are not alone and New York is on the other side of the ocean. I’m planning to be an auntie. You’re my only hope, my brothers will never settle down”. I guess she’s just realized what she said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean …”
“Don’t worry Sam, I’ll be fine, and you can come visit anytime you want. I’m sure Caitlin will love the big apple”
“My mother will be so disappointed, please just think about it. We love you. Running won’t help you”
“I’m not running, I’m looking for a brand new start, and judging from the picture you saw I have a lot to catch up with. Listen, you need to talk to you mom, tell her I’ll call her as soon as I feel strong enough to face her. Give a hug to my almost niece and… well you know what to do with James”. And I hang up. I switch on the radio, a funny DJ is playing ‘I Try’ by Macy Gray
‘Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we’re not I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near’
I bury my face into my hands when I hear a knock on the door. I wipe the tears from my face, “I’m busy, please call back later” I manage to say
“Babe open up, it’s me…”
I almost run to the door and I open it “what are you doing here?”
He’s standing right in front of me, we’re staring at each other, over the past 12 months we had never been apart for more than 24 hours, and now it’s been 10 long days. We’re both embarrassed, which would be funny if I wasn’t hurting so much.
“I’m so glad I found you” he manages to say.
“Well Sherlock Holmes, I’ve been working here, Tuesdays to Thursdays for the past year.” I hiss.
“I’m sorry” he mumbles.
I grab his shirt and pull him inside my office closing the door, I cannot make a scene in front of my colleagues and students.
“What exactly you’re sorry about?” I ask him.
He gets a glimpse of my copy of the Sun still on the desk “the picture, it wasn’t meant to be published…”
I rub my forehead “do you really think I care? I’ve known all along you were cheating on me”
“I never cheated on you!” he’s struggling to keep his voice down.
“Of course! You should talk to Jay though. He’s going to be heartbroken. You should have heard him defending you, saying you loved me…it all started that night after our fight right?”
He lowers his eyes and I sit down resting my forehead on my palm.
“Sam called me. Why didn’t you tell your family?”
“I don’t know, I hoped we would get back together” and squats in front of me.
He’s way too close, “back together? Hum, I’m pregnant with a baby you don’t want, and you…” I grab the newspaper and read the caption “…popstar Howard Donald, 39, in a famous London club with actress…” I look at him raising my eyebrow “actress? Since when working in porn is considered art? Anyway” and I keep reading “actress Amber Amis 22, the two were …”
He takes the Sun out of my hand and tosses it on the floor “I’m not dating her, I don’t care about her and to tell you the truth you don’t look pregnant to me” and rubs his fingers over my belly.
I push my chair back “don’t touch me”
“You don’t look pregnant, I mean…”
I’m fighting the urge to slap him “it will show soon, it’s just a matter of weeks now. Were you hoping it was just a bad dream? That one day I’d wake up to find out a test, two doctors, and two ultrasounds got it all wrong? You need to call the newspaper How, tell them you’re 12, not 39”
“I miss you” he whispers
“I can tell. But as I said, you can do anything you want, I don’t care. But you need to talk to your family. You owe it to me. Do you have any idea how I’ve felt not hearing from them after what happened? I thought they were blaming me, just like you do.”
He rests his head on my laps, I push him away “enough How, I want you to leave now”
“There’s a house for sale down the street from mine. I put an offer on it. It would be perfect for you and we would be neighbors”
“Perfect for me and the baby you mean?”
He nods.
“Do you see a sign over my head that says ‘for sale’? I don’t want your money and I don’t need you help. Sod off now, I mean it”
“Why don’t we go out for lunch, we could talk”
“I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to see you, I want you to leave me alone now, I mean it”.
He stands up “Jason told me you’ve been able to eat a little more lately”.
“Stop pretending you care”.
“I do care, about you”.
I open the door “I want you out of here, I might start screaming anytime, you better go”.
He walks out of my office and I slam the door behind him.
“Shit!” I yell pushing all the essays on the floor.
When Jo comes back I’m on all fours trying to pick them up from the floor.
“What happened?” she asks looking at the sea of papers covering my carpet.
“Hurricane Howard”
“He came here?” she asks me concerned
“What happened?” another male voice almost echoes Jo’s. I look up and I almost scream “Russell!”
Jo knows it’s not the moment to talk about my pathetic love life and says “I found him wandering along the corridors looking for his office, I told him we keep visiting professors from the colonies in a closet by the restrooms”.
He looks at her “Jo, two words for you, tea and party! Besides I have tenure at Berkley, I don’t do closets, I do large, sunny offices” he pouts.
“So you’re in the wrong building and the wrong city” she tells him.
He rolls his eyes “Titti, why are you looking at me like I’m a ghost? I sent you an e-mail telling you I was coming today”
I bite my lip “sorry, I’ve been really busy lately”. Jo looks at me and says “well, I need to go back to work now, the two of you have fun”.
“Not so fast lady!” I tell her
“So close…” she whispers to Russell and smiles
“Is there any chance my brownie is in the brown bag you’re holding?” I ask her
“Maybe…”
“And do you think you can leave it on my desk before leaving?”
“..sure..” and we both laugh. “See you later at home” she says.
Russell sits on my chair spreading his legs and looking around him. “So, you forgot I was coming…this place is a mess…and you’re staying at Jo’s …troubles in paradise?” he mocks me.
“I broke up with Howard”
“Sure, and I’m George W’s guardian angel…” looks at me and understands I’m not joking. “But, why? The two of you..”
“I don’t want to talk about it”.
He notices the newspaper on the floor, “he’s such a British trash!” he hisses.
“And you’re so American my friend”
“It’s a good thing I’m here, tell you what, in between my seminars it will be my pleasure and duty to cheer you up”.
“Good luck with that” I hiss.
He smirks “wanna bet?”
“Try me” and I place my hands on the desk right in front of him.
He opens his shoulder bag and hands me his paper “read it and weep my peculiar Italian friend”.
I do “Prof. Russell Fallon ~ Italian contemporary politics: Mr. Berlusconi’s government or, the rise and fall of the evil midget” and I start laughing, holding my belly.
“Do I take it as a ‘yes you win as always Russ’?” he asks me.
I nod, “you’re not seriously thinking about keeping the title right?”
“No, I guess I’ll have to edit it, what about ‘the evil midget pathetic policies’? Do you think people would like it better?”
I snort “you’re crazy”
“And you needed a good laugh. When did you break up with Howard?”
“Few days ago”
“Right, I tell you what, I’ll keep following my Marauder’s Map to my office, drop my laptop there and we’ll go to lunch”
“I need to grade papers”
“I’ll help you with them later”
“You know nothing about Renaissance history”
“If you’re still the same pathetic professor” and he smacks his head “you’re not a professor yet, no tenure, who has tenure here? Me!” and points a finger to himself.
“Smartass” and I roll my eyes.
“I was saying, I might know nothing about ancient history but neither do your students” and winks “so we’re even. I’ll be back in 20”.
I slowly walk up to the door and gently knock. After a few minutes it opens up, Jason is standing in front of me wearing an old t-shirt and sweatpants. “I thought I heard something! What are you doing here so early? Don’t tell we you had one of your fights with Doug hence you come here and he’ll run after you and I’ll end up making breakfast for everyone”
I stand there, biting my lip. He sees my bag.
“Fuck” he hisses and gives me a bear hug “he’s an idiot”.
“Jay I might need a place to stay for a few days”.
“Few days? You’re going nowhere Titti, we have plenty of room”.
“No, really…”
“Shut up!” and kisses my forehead, “let me take you bag, we go inside. I’ll make you a proper breakfast and we’ll talk”
He’s busy putting together the most bizarre combination of ingredients I’ve ever seen “there you go. You taste it and tell me if it isn’t the most delicious thing you’ve ever had”
“No offence, but it looks like vomit Jay”
“Not taken. I’m still working on the presentation, but you know, beauty is only skin deep” and laughs
“I haven’t been able to keep anything down, so if I run to the restroom don’t take it personally”
“It’s going to be fine. I did my homework. This is perfect for morning sickness”
I look at him and he smiles at me, I jump into his arms “congratulations! Oh my god! This is such a great news!”
“We found out yesterday. I practically forced her to do the test and it was positive. Since I have to cook for one pregnant woman I can just cook for two”
“I’m not your responsibility”
“Don’t be silly, and it’s only for a few days. He’ll come back to his senses”
“He cheated on me”
“That’s not true, I guarantee you; I would stake my life on it. Howard sleeping around is part of his past. I’ve spent so much time with him; I know how much he loves you. He has never cheated on you. He wouldn’t do it”
He seems really sure of what he’s saying “if you say so, maybe he’s right, maybe I turned into scary spice…” and I sigh. That’s the moment Jo opens the door to the kitchen and finds us still hugging.
“Nice picture…isn’t a TT member enough? Do you plan to shag your way through all the boy band of the 90s?” she asks me.
I smile “that would be the plan, I just don’t seem to find the blond guy from Westlife, do you know what is he up to now?”
“Weren’t they all blond?”
“No clue” and I laugh “so Jason told me…you should have called me! I had to hear it from him!” and I place my hand on my hips.
“I know, unforgivable” she says
“I am the father!” he pouts
Jo realizes it’s early, it’s Sunday morning and I’m staying in her kitchen “what did he do?” she asks me concerned.
“It’s over” I whisper.
“That half witted moron! You need a license to drive a car but any asshole thinks he can be a father!”
“I guess that’s the whole point, he doesn’t want to be one. We both knew it was going to happen…”
Howard is making some coffee when his mobile rings. “Open the door Doug. I got something for you”
He does it and finds himself standing in front a very much smiling Mark.
“You’re wearing the same clothes you wore last night” Howard says raising his eyebrow.
He gives him a sneaky smile “Amanda and Rachel say hello”.
“Right”.
“Rach found your watch on the restroom floor after you left the club”.
“Who’s Rach?”
“Rachel the blond hot girl you shagged last nigh” and hands him Rolex. “I thought I’d bring it to you before Titti wakes up. That’s also why I didn’t ring the bell. No need to thank me mate”
“I won’t. So I really did it” he says scratching his head “I was really hoping I just imagined it”
“Oh, come on Doug! It was nothing, and Titti doesn’t need to know”
“She’s gone”
“What?”
“Want to come in? Even though I bet the neighbors would just enjoy have a detailed report I’d rather talk to you in private”
They walk into the kitchen “want some coffee Mark?”
“Sure! I’m knackered…those two ladies have some stamina!”
Howard looks at him “did you hear what I just said? She left me”
“And surprisingly the earth still moves and you’re still have alive”
“I love her”
“No, let me correct you, you loved her before the maternal madness possessed her” and pats his shoulder “you’ve been together for a year, now you want different things. It happens. Women are like buses, if you miss one there’s another one coming your direction every few minutes”
“Fuck Mark, you’re one cunning philosopher, no surprise you’re single and miserable”
“I used to be miserable, now, because of you my tall and hot friend I’m so back in the business”
Howard lowers his eyes to look at him “what do you mean?”
“We’re both single now and we’re going to rock the town! Watch out women, the magic duo is back!”
“I don’t want to think about dating; maybe I should just run after her”
“Big mistake, you need to forget about her. She made up her mind. You asked her to wait and she decided to have the baby in spite of what you wanted”
Howard seems to be thinking about it “maybe you’re right…”
“I am mate! It’s time for you to get out from this house! We’ll be on tour in a few months, think of all the fun we can have. We could learn a new sport! Something like wave jumping or ice climbing, or skydiving! The whole world is at our feet Howard!”
“I need to get some sleep first” he answers him rubbing his eyes “and I miss her”
“It’s all in your head. Go take a shower, I’ll wait here ad we go out and have a real breakfast somewhere. For no reason you are to remain here alone to sulk into memories…That’s why I’m here. It all happens for a reason! We’re going to have fun! Maybe we should get a tattoo to celebrate”
He sighs “I’m too old for that, let me call Jason to see if she made it there alright”
“I’ll do it, you go get ready”
Half an hour later they’re ready to go out when Mark picks something up from a corner by the door. He stares at my panties “a heck of a goodbye eh mate?”
Howard takes them from his hand giving him a cold look “none of your business Mark”.
The door to my office opens a little and Jo sticks her head inside “ciao! Going for a tea break, want to come?”
I place some essays on my desk “don’t have time, I need to grade this, procrastination is evil”
“Can I get you something then?”
“No, I’m good”
She walks in “Have you heard from Howard yet?”
“Jo, I told you already, stop asking me that. He hasn’t called and he won’t call. I know him. And I appreciate the fact you want to protect me but I have to accept the fact Mark and him are going from club to club shagging every woman who shows some interest. I took my decision. Don’t worry about me”
“I don’t think he’s doing it. I bet he spends every night home alone thinking of you and he’ll be so sorry when he realizes what he lost”
“To tell you the truth I don’t think it’s going to happen. And he does look happy”
“What do you mean? Have you seen him?”
I take the Sun out of a drawer and show it to her “does he looks like he’s drowning his sorrow to you?” and she stares at a picture taken probably with a mobile. Howard drinking and laughing with a girl sitting on his lap.
Jo takes the newspaper in his hands “I didn’t know…I’m so sorry…”
“Don’t be, I knew it would happen. Now go get your tea, and if they have brownies, I guess I could use some chocolate at the moment” I tell her smiling as I push her out. I close the door leaning my head against it “you said you loved me, and it took you 10 miserable days to replace me”. I bite my lip not to cry when my phone rings. I try to pull myself together.
“Hello?” I sigh
“Titti, it’s Sam”
“Samantha…I’m sorry I should have called you but I thought…”
“What the fuck is going on?”
I smile to myself. She so doesn’t like to get straight to the point. “Excuse me?”
“I’m at the airport, waiting for James’ plane to land. I was killing time flipping through garbage press and I see a picture of my brother with another woman. I called him and he babbled something about you moving out 10 days ago. You know him, I guess he just woke up, so I couldn’t make any sense out of what he said. Useless pathetic sod. So I’m asking you, what the fuck is going on?”
“Sam I thought he called you”
“He didn’t. He called no-one. My mother is going to have a heart attack. What happened?”
“To make a long story short, I left him. He doesn’t want the baby, I cannot force him. I’m staying at Jason’s”
“…You move back in and I’ll make sure he collects his shit and lives you alone. You deserve to have the house. You’re expecting his child for heaven’s sake”
“I don’t want his money, I can do this on my own”
“No you can’t, let me tell you. Hold on” and I hear her yelling her daughter’s name “sorry, Caitlin is having a sugar rush. She ate so much junk food this morning. She’s so excited about seeing her father, you should see her”
“How’s James?”
“He’s fine but he’s been traveling so much to promote Atonement we’ve hardly seen him over the past two months. I drove down to London to pick him up. We’re taking Caitlin to Euro Disney for a few days”
“She’s going to love it and give a big hug to both of them”
“Come with us”
“No, I’m not in the mood”
“We would cheer you up and you need my brother, he’s a cheap shit but let me tell you, having a child is not a walk in the park”
“I’m strong, independent and as the cheap shit said, I used to be funny and smart. I can do it on my own, it’s so trendy to be a single mother” and I lightly bang my head on my desk.
“Listen, I let James and Caitlin go ahead, and I’ll stop in London for a couple of days so we can talk”
“No need to, really, Jo and Jason are truly supportive…”
“How can one man be so endlessly disappointing?”
“You know him, that’s his charm”. None of us is laughing though. “I’ll just have to decide where to have this baby”.
“What you mean? We’re sticking to the original plan. You’re coming to Manchester” she says alarmed.
“Plan changed. I’ve applied for a teaching position at Columbia, they have a large Italian studies dept and they need a new history professor. I know almost everyone there and the chair told me the job is 99% mine. I know the three other people who were short-listed; they don’t stand a chance against me. I’m just waiting for the official letter from the dean. I’ll have a two year contract as off next year. And I’ll be on sabbatical in 2 months, I was supposed to follow Howard…shit” and I bite my lip trying to fight the tears.
“The cheap shit you mean” she interrupts me
“I guess… So I have nothing keeping me here, and no-one waiting for me in Italy. Cannot go to New York yet, my health insurance won’t cover my pregnancy related expenses… I feel displaced, pregnant and displaced, no even better, alone, pregnant and displaced”
“You are not alone and New York is on the other side of the ocean. I’m planning to be an auntie. You’re my only hope, my brothers will never settle down”. I guess she’s just realized what she said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean …”
“Don’t worry Sam, I’ll be fine, and you can come visit anytime you want. I’m sure Caitlin will love the big apple”
“My mother will be so disappointed, please just think about it. We love you. Running won’t help you”
“I’m not running, I’m looking for a brand new start, and judging from the picture you saw I have a lot to catch up with. Listen, you need to talk to you mom, tell her I’ll call her as soon as I feel strong enough to face her. Give a hug to my almost niece and… well you know what to do with James”. And I hang up. I switch on the radio, a funny DJ is playing ‘I Try’ by Macy Gray
‘Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we’re not I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near’
I bury my face into my hands when I hear a knock on the door. I wipe the tears from my face, “I’m busy, please call back later” I manage to say
“Babe open up, it’s me…”
I almost run to the door and I open it “what are you doing here?”
He’s standing right in front of me, we’re staring at each other, over the past 12 months we had never been apart for more than 24 hours, and now it’s been 10 long days. We’re both embarrassed, which would be funny if I wasn’t hurting so much.
“I’m so glad I found you” he manages to say.
“Well Sherlock Holmes, I’ve been working here, Tuesdays to Thursdays for the past year.” I hiss.
“I’m sorry” he mumbles.
I grab his shirt and pull him inside my office closing the door, I cannot make a scene in front of my colleagues and students.
“What exactly you’re sorry about?” I ask him.
He gets a glimpse of my copy of the Sun still on the desk “the picture, it wasn’t meant to be published…”
I rub my forehead “do you really think I care? I’ve known all along you were cheating on me”
“I never cheated on you!” he’s struggling to keep his voice down.
“Of course! You should talk to Jay though. He’s going to be heartbroken. You should have heard him defending you, saying you loved me…it all started that night after our fight right?”
He lowers his eyes and I sit down resting my forehead on my palm.
“Sam called me. Why didn’t you tell your family?”
“I don’t know, I hoped we would get back together” and squats in front of me.
He’s way too close, “back together? Hum, I’m pregnant with a baby you don’t want, and you…” I grab the newspaper and read the caption “…popstar Howard Donald, 39, in a famous London club with actress…” I look at him raising my eyebrow “actress? Since when working in porn is considered art? Anyway” and I keep reading “actress Amber Amis 22, the two were …”
He takes the Sun out of my hand and tosses it on the floor “I’m not dating her, I don’t care about her and to tell you the truth you don’t look pregnant to me” and rubs his fingers over my belly.
I push my chair back “don’t touch me”
“You don’t look pregnant, I mean…”
I’m fighting the urge to slap him “it will show soon, it’s just a matter of weeks now. Were you hoping it was just a bad dream? That one day I’d wake up to find out a test, two doctors, and two ultrasounds got it all wrong? You need to call the newspaper How, tell them you’re 12, not 39”
“I miss you” he whispers
“I can tell. But as I said, you can do anything you want, I don’t care. But you need to talk to your family. You owe it to me. Do you have any idea how I’ve felt not hearing from them after what happened? I thought they were blaming me, just like you do.”
He rests his head on my laps, I push him away “enough How, I want you to leave now”
“There’s a house for sale down the street from mine. I put an offer on it. It would be perfect for you and we would be neighbors”
“Perfect for me and the baby you mean?”
He nods.
“Do you see a sign over my head that says ‘for sale’? I don’t want your money and I don’t need you help. Sod off now, I mean it”
“Why don’t we go out for lunch, we could talk”
“I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to see you, I want you to leave me alone now, I mean it”.
He stands up “Jason told me you’ve been able to eat a little more lately”.
“Stop pretending you care”.
“I do care, about you”.
I open the door “I want you out of here, I might start screaming anytime, you better go”.
He walks out of my office and I slam the door behind him.
“Shit!” I yell pushing all the essays on the floor.
When Jo comes back I’m on all fours trying to pick them up from the floor.
“What happened?” she asks looking at the sea of papers covering my carpet.
“Hurricane Howard”
“He came here?” she asks me concerned
“What happened?” another male voice almost echoes Jo’s. I look up and I almost scream “Russell!”
Jo knows it’s not the moment to talk about my pathetic love life and says “I found him wandering along the corridors looking for his office, I told him we keep visiting professors from the colonies in a closet by the restrooms”.
He looks at her “Jo, two words for you, tea and party! Besides I have tenure at Berkley, I don’t do closets, I do large, sunny offices” he pouts.
“So you’re in the wrong building and the wrong city” she tells him.
He rolls his eyes “Titti, why are you looking at me like I’m a ghost? I sent you an e-mail telling you I was coming today”
I bite my lip “sorry, I’ve been really busy lately”. Jo looks at me and says “well, I need to go back to work now, the two of you have fun”.
“Not so fast lady!” I tell her
“So close…” she whispers to Russell and smiles
“Is there any chance my brownie is in the brown bag you’re holding?” I ask her
“Maybe…”
“And do you think you can leave it on my desk before leaving?”
“..sure..” and we both laugh. “See you later at home” she says.
Russell sits on my chair spreading his legs and looking around him. “So, you forgot I was coming…this place is a mess…and you’re staying at Jo’s …troubles in paradise?” he mocks me.
“I broke up with Howard”
“Sure, and I’m George W’s guardian angel…” looks at me and understands I’m not joking. “But, why? The two of you..”
“I don’t want to talk about it”.
He notices the newspaper on the floor, “he’s such a British trash!” he hisses.
“And you’re so American my friend”
“It’s a good thing I’m here, tell you what, in between my seminars it will be my pleasure and duty to cheer you up”.
“Good luck with that” I hiss.
He smirks “wanna bet?”
“Try me” and I place my hands on the desk right in front of him.
He opens his shoulder bag and hands me his paper “read it and weep my peculiar Italian friend”.
I do “Prof. Russell Fallon ~ Italian contemporary politics: Mr. Berlusconi’s government or, the rise and fall of the evil midget” and I start laughing, holding my belly.
“Do I take it as a ‘yes you win as always Russ’?” he asks me.
I nod, “you’re not seriously thinking about keeping the title right?”
“No, I guess I’ll have to edit it, what about ‘the evil midget pathetic policies’? Do you think people would like it better?”
I snort “you’re crazy”
“And you needed a good laugh. When did you break up with Howard?”
“Few days ago”
“Right, I tell you what, I’ll keep following my Marauder’s Map to my office, drop my laptop there and we’ll go to lunch”
“I need to grade papers”
“I’ll help you with them later”
“You know nothing about Renaissance history”
“If you’re still the same pathetic professor” and he smacks his head “you’re not a professor yet, no tenure, who has tenure here? Me!” and points a finger to himself.
“Smartass” and I roll my eyes.
“I was saying, I might know nothing about ancient history but neither do your students” and winks “so we’re even. I’ll be back in 20”.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE DJ 3
“Mark has invited us clubbing tonight…and I was thinking we could have dinner at your favorite restaurant before. I told him to join us”
I snuggle against him “I was thinking we could stay in, watch a movie and let you cuddle me for hours instead”
He looks at me “as appealing as it may sound there’s a whole world outside those walls. And Mark needs our support. We need to find him a girlfriend, I feel like I adopted him…” and laughs
“Home…” I whine
“It’s Friday, you don’t have to work tomorrow”
“pleaseee …it has been such a long week…”
“Fine” he says disappointed, “but you break the news to the saddest man alive” and hands me his mobile so I can call Mark.
The next morning we’re having breakfast, he stares at me playing with my food.
“It’s just bread, you should be able to keep it down” he says almost annoyed “you have to eat, you’re the only pregnant woman I know who’s losing weight, you and Mia Farrow in Rosemary's baby'”
“Yes, but my tits are getting bigger” and I smirk
“It’s not funny, and you’re face is of a strange color”
“I’m fine, as soon as I have a spare minute I’ll see a doctor but I don’t think there’s anything I can take to get rid of the nausea”. I get the Independent, I give him the sport section and we both start reading it.
“How, have you called the travel agency?” I ask
“Why would I?”
“To cancel the trip” I almost whisper
“What are you talking about?”
“You don’t really think I can fly to Africa, do you?”
“What’s the problem?”
“I’m pregnant, I don’t want to take any risk”
He puts the newspaper down and stares at me, I know he’s struggling to remain calm. Howard’s mood has darkened. His eyes are narrow and uncommunicative. “I’ve been planning our vacation for months. I first had to check your days off at the university, I crossed that information with places we could go to, hot, exotic places. Once I decided it was going to be Zanzibar it took me forever to find the right resort. It’s all planned out, day trips, swimming with the dolphins. We’re going, end of discussion”
I place my hand on his “I’m so sorry, but we’ll have to postpone it. We could go when the baby is born. ”
“Sure” he says bitterly “unless WE decide to have another child, we wouldn’t want our kid to feel lonely, would we?”
“There’s no reason to be so sarcastic. I could use some support here”
“What about me? Don’t I deserve some too? I’m going on tour in a few months, does it mean you’re not coming with me? You promised. That’s why you got your sabbatical. So you could be with me”
“If I feel fit enough to travel around Europe I’ll come”
“IF?” and stand up pushing his chair so hard it falls on the floor.
I jump, “there’s no need to be so dramatic”
I points his finger at me “you promised this pregnancy wouldn’t get on the way”
“It’s not! If you’d try to understand…”
“I don’t have to! You promised you wouldn’t let anything happen to us… let me tell you professor, it’s-not-working!”
“Howard…”
“Not now!” and leaves the kitchen.
I know there’s no point in trying to talk some sense into him right now, so I try to slowly sip some orange juice. After half an hour I hear the front door opening and close with a loud slam.
“Have a nice day too you too” I mumble to myself.
By 8 p.m. I receive a text ‘going out with Mark. Care to join us?’ the fact he’s not calling means is still really mad at me.
I stare at my mobile, I cannot face him in a crowded club ‘no thanks, I’m tired. Have fun’
‘I will’. I so don’t like the sound of it.
My mobile rings. “What are you doing?” Jo asks me
“I’m melting into the sofa…my ass fits perfectly in the left cushion…and I’m watching ‘Dodgeball’…again”
“That’s a retarded movie. You’re the only person I know who likes it and laugh all the times at the same scenes…”
I laugh.
“What just happened?”
I snort and repeat, “If you're going to become true dodgeballers, then you've got to learn the five d's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!”
“Sometimes I ask myself if you’re bipolar”
“I’m genius, it’s different. What are you doing home on a Saturday night Mrs. Orange?”
“Jason is cooking dinner, we’ve some one-on-one tutorial planned for later…” and giggles
“I guess it’s true, first come best served”
“What do you mean?”
“You chose first and got the best member of the band…Howard is out with Mark and I’m home with Ben Stiller”
“Why you didn’t go?”
“I’m tired and we had a huge fight this morning”
“So soon…you’re having a baby he’ll have to grow up” she whispers
“I don’t see it happening….”
“I’m here if you need me”
“Thanks.”
At 1 a.m. I give up waiting for him and drag myself to bed. I fall asleep, waking every so often to check the time on the alarm clock. When he gets home is past 3. I hear him getting undressed and take a quick shower. I can’t ask him what has been up to so late. He climbs into bed and spoons behind me, warm and clean, his hair is wet and smelling of my shampoo. He puts his hands on my breasts and kisses the nape of my neck.
“You sleeping?” he whispers softly
I try to keep my breathing steady and deep. *why do people shower at 3 in the morning? Whose smell are you trying to wash away?*
“Fine…” he hisses. His hands leave my body and turns to his other side, our backs one against the other.
“Where have you been?” I ask him shyly
He sighs “clubbing with Mark, you should have come”
“Why did you shower?” and I regret asking him the moment I hear my words filling the air.
A long silence follows, until I feel his weight shifting on the mattress. He switches the lights on and I see him sitting on the bed. His arms crossed. “What are you trying to say?”
I rub my eyes “nothing…it’s just…unusual”
“Fuck it is! You think I had a quickie with some girl before coming back home! You are really pissing me off!” he yells
“What am I supposed to think? You disappear for the entire day, you come back and…”
He points his finger at me, his eyes are so narrow I don’t think he can really see me “I’m warning you, don’t say it!”
“It? What is IT supposed to mean? What other reason you’d have to shower?” I’m so mad I’m losing control. “I’m the one who stayed home! Do you think I enjoy feeling like shit 24/7?”
He gets off the bed “Few days since the baby madness has started and you already act like you’re possessed. You’re controlling, passive aggressive and I hate when you act like scary spice. I’ll sleep in the guests’ room”. He grabs his pillow “when you hear from the woman I felt in love with let me know, you can’t miss her, she’s smart, fun and sexy” and slams the door closed.
I bury my head under the duvet and start crying myself to sleep.
I wake up very early the next morning. I slowly look around me as taking a mental picture. I open the wardrobe and I try to reach for a duffle bag that is on the upper shelf. I stretch as much as I can but I can barely touch it with my fingertip. Before I can reach for a chair so I can climb on it Howard’s hand circles my waist from behind. His chest against my back “let me…” he whispers. I close my eyes, I can hear he’s fighting the tears too.
He hands me the duffle bag and sits on the bed watching me as I put some of my stuff inside it.
There’s nothing we can say or do. I’ve known all along I couldn’t have them both and I chose my baby.
“Stop it... I should go, I mean, you’re pregnant”
“Nonsense!” I interrupt him “this is your house. The only thing that belongs to me in here is the rocking chair in your study an a couple of fridge magnets”
I close the zip of the bag and tuck my hair behind my ears “that’s all for now. I’ll come back for the rest later, if you don’t mind…”
He’s still sitting, gently grabs my hand and pulls me to him. He buries his face on my belly “I didn’t mean for this to happen…I just can’t…I’m not ready, but I will always take care of you”
“DON’T YOU DARE SAYING THAT”
He jumps “I’m sorry I mean…”
I caress his hair, “I know…I don’t want your money Howard, and I don’t want you to talk about it. It’s all my fault, I mistook you for a grown-up” and I kiss his head. “Let me go now” and I feel a lump in my throat.
He holds me even tighter “just a minute” he looks up at me “I couldn’t sleep last night, the only thing I could think of was our first kiss. Do you remember?”
“It seems ages ago” I whisper playing with his curls.
*Flashback*
I was working in my office at King’s College, office hours represent one of the most boring activity known to mankind. I heard a knock on my door “Come in” I said. I turned toward the door to see him standing right in front of me.
“Howard?!” I said surprised
“Hi, I had to bring something to Jo and I thought I could stop by and say hello, but if you’re busy…”
“Don’t be silly, please sit down” and I was just hoping he couldn’t see all my pores screaming *yes!*
“It was fun last night. Jo’s a great cook”.
“She is”.
“What about you, do you cook?”
“You know when people say eggplant parmesan or stew taste better the day after? Well, mine taste better the day before”.
“Right” and burst out his loud belly laughter.
….
“I wish I drove you home last night” he continued “but since you’re staying at Jo’s, I guess walking you to your bedroom was out of the question… have you found an apartment yet?”
“No, still looking” *talk woman talk, you are famous for never shut up*
“If you need help, I could drive you places”
“Thanks I’d love that”
“Good…” and he breathed deep “Jo once told me about women’s silly rules when it comes to dating. She said she kisses a guy only on the second date, what about you?”
I looked at him amused.
“Not that I care, I’m just carrying out a survey…” he said playfully.
“Third date, I would never let anyone near me before then” I said serious, teasing him.
“Fair enough.” And his index finger started playing with the hem of my skirt “would you like to go out with me sometimes?”
“I’d love that very much” and I swallowed hard. Tension was building between us, the type of sexual tension I’ve never felt before.
“Tonight? We could have dinner, and maybe a movie”
“Perfect” *too fast, you need to slow down, he’ll think you’re desperate*
“I’ll pick you up at 7” and he stood up. He walked to the door and asked me “how would you describe a date?”
“Me? I don’t know… two people spending time together, chatting, having a good time...hopefully” and I giggled
He nodded and waved goodbye.
I went back writing emails when there was another knock on the door. “Come in” I repeated.
“I was wondering” and Howard was literally marching toward me “the weather is simply gorgeous today. Don’t you think it is perfect for a picnic in the park?”
“I guess” I answered surprised while he was gently pushing me against the wall, “what are you doing Howard?” Just the feel of him touching me sent chills down my spine.
His eyes locked into mine “it sounds like chatting to me, Englishmen love talking about the weather, don’t you know? And I’m having fun, so I guess it qualifies as a date”
I bit my lip trying not to laugh. “I don’t walk around kissing men I’ve just met”
“Neither do I” and caressed my hair. “I came in, left and came in again, plus dinner last night. It makes three, three dates” he whispered leaning to kiss me, our first kiss. He was so handsome. The tip of my tongue barely touched his lower lip. Slowly tracing it's outline, teasing. I pulled back to look into his eyes and I saw the pure desire in his gaze. A shiver of anticipation ran down my spine. My hands touched his face, holding it still and I pulled him close. His lips parted slightly, and I gently kissed his lower lip, controlling the kiss. Making it my kiss to him and not allowing him to move. Gently I begin to lick his lip again, growing more daring I slowly pulled it into my mouth. Slow, tiny little sucks to his lip. I felt him melt into me, and I kissed him deeply. He tickled his fingers through my hair. I moaned as he glided his fingers along the back of my neck. My mind was spinning as his hands continued caressing me. It was like the soft touch of his lips was bringing me back to life and I kissed him deeply again as he squeezed my body tight. I pulled away trying to catch my breath, he was looking at me smiling “just for information’s sake” and I could see he was struggling to find the words “sex, what about sex, what date would it be possible?” and his fingers were tracing slow circles on my sides while his body was rocking against mine.
I lazily kissed his jaw “that is a secret…you’ll just have to wait and see” I whispered.
He groaned into my ear “how am I supposed to play if I don’t know the rules?”
“I never said it was going to be a fair game” and I kissed him again long and hard.
Almost a year later his hands are still on my sides. To say goodbye this time. “I really have to go now” I tell him freeing myself from his embrace.
He takes the bag from my hand “let me carry it for you”.
“No”.
But his look leaves no room for arguing. I lower my head and walk downstairs. I get to the door “I can take it from here Howard”.
“Where are you going to stay?”
“At Jo’s, I mean she doesn’t know yet but I’m sure she won’t have any problem in putting up with my dreadful company”. I caress his face “I’ll let you know as soon as I have a new address”
He lets the bag fall on the floor and hugs me burying his face into my neck.
“Howard please”.
But his hand is slowly smoothing down my thigh ever so gently. I lift my head to say something, but I don’t know what. My eyes open and blink away the tears. His eyes, his beautiful blue eyes hypnotize me. My body begs him continue but my mind fights it.
He knows it, and starts a series of passionate kisses, tongues touching, tasting. One hand is on my lower back, pulling me in, making me feel his desire. The other, is holding my head in place as we kiss. Down, kissing down my neck. His body weight pushes me against the door. One hand moves to gently pull my hair, forcing my head back, leaving my neck exposed for his kisses, his tongue. The other hand slides down my body softly touching my breast. Fingers lightly touch my nipple through the thin material of my dress. My breath comes in short gasps as my body respond to his touch. Still kissing, kissing down my neck.
“Babe we can’t…” I try to say
But his fingers are already quietly reaching down. I feel a light touch and hear a soft moan escape from his lips as he feels how wet I am. He kneels in front of me, fingers hooking the sides of my panties pulling them down slowly. Kisses my tummy, kissing lower and lower. My panties are tossed aside.
“Shushhh” he begs. Fingers gently parting me, making room for his tongue. I gasp leaning back against the door to steady me. My legs open slightly, involuntarily. He places his hands on my thighs. “Look at me” he commands. I do and I nod. He kisses me and the moment his lips crash into mine he enters me, with one strong thrust. I wrap my arms around his neck. It’s only grunts and moans until he comes inside me.
He holds me there, leaning against the door when he eventually takes a step backwards. We’re not looking at each other, I put my skirt back down and get the bag off the floor. I close the door behind me leaving my old life behind.
I snuggle against him “I was thinking we could stay in, watch a movie and let you cuddle me for hours instead”
He looks at me “as appealing as it may sound there’s a whole world outside those walls. And Mark needs our support. We need to find him a girlfriend, I feel like I adopted him…” and laughs
“Home…” I whine
“It’s Friday, you don’t have to work tomorrow”
“pleaseee …it has been such a long week…”
“Fine” he says disappointed, “but you break the news to the saddest man alive” and hands me his mobile so I can call Mark.
The next morning we’re having breakfast, he stares at me playing with my food.
“It’s just bread, you should be able to keep it down” he says almost annoyed “you have to eat, you’re the only pregnant woman I know who’s losing weight, you and Mia Farrow in Rosemary's baby'”
“Yes, but my tits are getting bigger” and I smirk
“It’s not funny, and you’re face is of a strange color”
“I’m fine, as soon as I have a spare minute I’ll see a doctor but I don’t think there’s anything I can take to get rid of the nausea”. I get the Independent, I give him the sport section and we both start reading it.
“How, have you called the travel agency?” I ask
“Why would I?”
“To cancel the trip” I almost whisper
“What are you talking about?”
“You don’t really think I can fly to Africa, do you?”
“What’s the problem?”
“I’m pregnant, I don’t want to take any risk”
He puts the newspaper down and stares at me, I know he’s struggling to remain calm. Howard’s mood has darkened. His eyes are narrow and uncommunicative. “I’ve been planning our vacation for months. I first had to check your days off at the university, I crossed that information with places we could go to, hot, exotic places. Once I decided it was going to be Zanzibar it took me forever to find the right resort. It’s all planned out, day trips, swimming with the dolphins. We’re going, end of discussion”
I place my hand on his “I’m so sorry, but we’ll have to postpone it. We could go when the baby is born. ”
“Sure” he says bitterly “unless WE decide to have another child, we wouldn’t want our kid to feel lonely, would we?”
“There’s no reason to be so sarcastic. I could use some support here”
“What about me? Don’t I deserve some too? I’m going on tour in a few months, does it mean you’re not coming with me? You promised. That’s why you got your sabbatical. So you could be with me”
“If I feel fit enough to travel around Europe I’ll come”
“IF?” and stand up pushing his chair so hard it falls on the floor.
I jump, “there’s no need to be so dramatic”
I points his finger at me “you promised this pregnancy wouldn’t get on the way”
“It’s not! If you’d try to understand…”
“I don’t have to! You promised you wouldn’t let anything happen to us… let me tell you professor, it’s-not-working!”
“Howard…”
“Not now!” and leaves the kitchen.
I know there’s no point in trying to talk some sense into him right now, so I try to slowly sip some orange juice. After half an hour I hear the front door opening and close with a loud slam.
“Have a nice day too you too” I mumble to myself.
By 8 p.m. I receive a text ‘going out with Mark. Care to join us?’ the fact he’s not calling means is still really mad at me.
I stare at my mobile, I cannot face him in a crowded club ‘no thanks, I’m tired. Have fun’
‘I will’. I so don’t like the sound of it.
My mobile rings. “What are you doing?” Jo asks me
“I’m melting into the sofa…my ass fits perfectly in the left cushion…and I’m watching ‘Dodgeball’…again”
“That’s a retarded movie. You’re the only person I know who likes it and laugh all the times at the same scenes…”
I laugh.
“What just happened?”
I snort and repeat, “If you're going to become true dodgeballers, then you've got to learn the five d's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!”
“Sometimes I ask myself if you’re bipolar”
“I’m genius, it’s different. What are you doing home on a Saturday night Mrs. Orange?”
“Jason is cooking dinner, we’ve some one-on-one tutorial planned for later…” and giggles
“I guess it’s true, first come best served”
“What do you mean?”
“You chose first and got the best member of the band…Howard is out with Mark and I’m home with Ben Stiller”
“Why you didn’t go?”
“I’m tired and we had a huge fight this morning”
“So soon…you’re having a baby he’ll have to grow up” she whispers
“I don’t see it happening….”
“I’m here if you need me”
“Thanks.”
At 1 a.m. I give up waiting for him and drag myself to bed. I fall asleep, waking every so often to check the time on the alarm clock. When he gets home is past 3. I hear him getting undressed and take a quick shower. I can’t ask him what has been up to so late. He climbs into bed and spoons behind me, warm and clean, his hair is wet and smelling of my shampoo. He puts his hands on my breasts and kisses the nape of my neck.
“You sleeping?” he whispers softly
I try to keep my breathing steady and deep. *why do people shower at 3 in the morning? Whose smell are you trying to wash away?*
“Fine…” he hisses. His hands leave my body and turns to his other side, our backs one against the other.
“Where have you been?” I ask him shyly
He sighs “clubbing with Mark, you should have come”
“Why did you shower?” and I regret asking him the moment I hear my words filling the air.
A long silence follows, until I feel his weight shifting on the mattress. He switches the lights on and I see him sitting on the bed. His arms crossed. “What are you trying to say?”
I rub my eyes “nothing…it’s just…unusual”
“Fuck it is! You think I had a quickie with some girl before coming back home! You are really pissing me off!” he yells
“What am I supposed to think? You disappear for the entire day, you come back and…”
He points his finger at me, his eyes are so narrow I don’t think he can really see me “I’m warning you, don’t say it!”
“It? What is IT supposed to mean? What other reason you’d have to shower?” I’m so mad I’m losing control. “I’m the one who stayed home! Do you think I enjoy feeling like shit 24/7?”
He gets off the bed “Few days since the baby madness has started and you already act like you’re possessed. You’re controlling, passive aggressive and I hate when you act like scary spice. I’ll sleep in the guests’ room”. He grabs his pillow “when you hear from the woman I felt in love with let me know, you can’t miss her, she’s smart, fun and sexy” and slams the door closed.
I bury my head under the duvet and start crying myself to sleep.
I wake up very early the next morning. I slowly look around me as taking a mental picture. I open the wardrobe and I try to reach for a duffle bag that is on the upper shelf. I stretch as much as I can but I can barely touch it with my fingertip. Before I can reach for a chair so I can climb on it Howard’s hand circles my waist from behind. His chest against my back “let me…” he whispers. I close my eyes, I can hear he’s fighting the tears too.
He hands me the duffle bag and sits on the bed watching me as I put some of my stuff inside it.
There’s nothing we can say or do. I’ve known all along I couldn’t have them both and I chose my baby.
“Stop it... I should go, I mean, you’re pregnant”
“Nonsense!” I interrupt him “this is your house. The only thing that belongs to me in here is the rocking chair in your study an a couple of fridge magnets”
I close the zip of the bag and tuck my hair behind my ears “that’s all for now. I’ll come back for the rest later, if you don’t mind…”
He’s still sitting, gently grabs my hand and pulls me to him. He buries his face on my belly “I didn’t mean for this to happen…I just can’t…I’m not ready, but I will always take care of you”
“DON’T YOU DARE SAYING THAT”
He jumps “I’m sorry I mean…”
I caress his hair, “I know…I don’t want your money Howard, and I don’t want you to talk about it. It’s all my fault, I mistook you for a grown-up” and I kiss his head. “Let me go now” and I feel a lump in my throat.
He holds me even tighter “just a minute” he looks up at me “I couldn’t sleep last night, the only thing I could think of was our first kiss. Do you remember?”
“It seems ages ago” I whisper playing with his curls.
*Flashback*
I was working in my office at King’s College, office hours represent one of the most boring activity known to mankind. I heard a knock on my door “Come in” I said. I turned toward the door to see him standing right in front of me.
“Howard?!” I said surprised
“Hi, I had to bring something to Jo and I thought I could stop by and say hello, but if you’re busy…”
“Don’t be silly, please sit down” and I was just hoping he couldn’t see all my pores screaming *yes!*
“It was fun last night. Jo’s a great cook”.
“She is”.
“What about you, do you cook?”
“You know when people say eggplant parmesan or stew taste better the day after? Well, mine taste better the day before”.
“Right” and burst out his loud belly laughter.
….
“I wish I drove you home last night” he continued “but since you’re staying at Jo’s, I guess walking you to your bedroom was out of the question… have you found an apartment yet?”
“No, still looking” *talk woman talk, you are famous for never shut up*
“If you need help, I could drive you places”
“Thanks I’d love that”
“Good…” and he breathed deep “Jo once told me about women’s silly rules when it comes to dating. She said she kisses a guy only on the second date, what about you?”
I looked at him amused.
“Not that I care, I’m just carrying out a survey…” he said playfully.
“Third date, I would never let anyone near me before then” I said serious, teasing him.
“Fair enough.” And his index finger started playing with the hem of my skirt “would you like to go out with me sometimes?”
“I’d love that very much” and I swallowed hard. Tension was building between us, the type of sexual tension I’ve never felt before.
“Tonight? We could have dinner, and maybe a movie”
“Perfect” *too fast, you need to slow down, he’ll think you’re desperate*
“I’ll pick you up at 7” and he stood up. He walked to the door and asked me “how would you describe a date?”
“Me? I don’t know… two people spending time together, chatting, having a good time...hopefully” and I giggled
He nodded and waved goodbye.
I went back writing emails when there was another knock on the door. “Come in” I repeated.
“I was wondering” and Howard was literally marching toward me “the weather is simply gorgeous today. Don’t you think it is perfect for a picnic in the park?”
“I guess” I answered surprised while he was gently pushing me against the wall, “what are you doing Howard?” Just the feel of him touching me sent chills down my spine.
His eyes locked into mine “it sounds like chatting to me, Englishmen love talking about the weather, don’t you know? And I’m having fun, so I guess it qualifies as a date”
I bit my lip trying not to laugh. “I don’t walk around kissing men I’ve just met”
“Neither do I” and caressed my hair. “I came in, left and came in again, plus dinner last night. It makes three, three dates” he whispered leaning to kiss me, our first kiss. He was so handsome. The tip of my tongue barely touched his lower lip. Slowly tracing it's outline, teasing. I pulled back to look into his eyes and I saw the pure desire in his gaze. A shiver of anticipation ran down my spine. My hands touched his face, holding it still and I pulled him close. His lips parted slightly, and I gently kissed his lower lip, controlling the kiss. Making it my kiss to him and not allowing him to move. Gently I begin to lick his lip again, growing more daring I slowly pulled it into my mouth. Slow, tiny little sucks to his lip. I felt him melt into me, and I kissed him deeply. He tickled his fingers through my hair. I moaned as he glided his fingers along the back of my neck. My mind was spinning as his hands continued caressing me. It was like the soft touch of his lips was bringing me back to life and I kissed him deeply again as he squeezed my body tight. I pulled away trying to catch my breath, he was looking at me smiling “just for information’s sake” and I could see he was struggling to find the words “sex, what about sex, what date would it be possible?” and his fingers were tracing slow circles on my sides while his body was rocking against mine.
I lazily kissed his jaw “that is a secret…you’ll just have to wait and see” I whispered.
He groaned into my ear “how am I supposed to play if I don’t know the rules?”
“I never said it was going to be a fair game” and I kissed him again long and hard.
Almost a year later his hands are still on my sides. To say goodbye this time. “I really have to go now” I tell him freeing myself from his embrace.
He takes the bag from my hand “let me carry it for you”.
“No”.
But his look leaves no room for arguing. I lower my head and walk downstairs. I get to the door “I can take it from here Howard”.
“Where are you going to stay?”
“At Jo’s, I mean she doesn’t know yet but I’m sure she won’t have any problem in putting up with my dreadful company”. I caress his face “I’ll let you know as soon as I have a new address”
He lets the bag fall on the floor and hugs me burying his face into my neck.
“Howard please”.
But his hand is slowly smoothing down my thigh ever so gently. I lift my head to say something, but I don’t know what. My eyes open and blink away the tears. His eyes, his beautiful blue eyes hypnotize me. My body begs him continue but my mind fights it.
He knows it, and starts a series of passionate kisses, tongues touching, tasting. One hand is on my lower back, pulling me in, making me feel his desire. The other, is holding my head in place as we kiss. Down, kissing down my neck. His body weight pushes me against the door. One hand moves to gently pull my hair, forcing my head back, leaving my neck exposed for his kisses, his tongue. The other hand slides down my body softly touching my breast. Fingers lightly touch my nipple through the thin material of my dress. My breath comes in short gasps as my body respond to his touch. Still kissing, kissing down my neck.
“Babe we can’t…” I try to say
But his fingers are already quietly reaching down. I feel a light touch and hear a soft moan escape from his lips as he feels how wet I am. He kneels in front of me, fingers hooking the sides of my panties pulling them down slowly. Kisses my tummy, kissing lower and lower. My panties are tossed aside.
“Shushhh” he begs. Fingers gently parting me, making room for his tongue. I gasp leaning back against the door to steady me. My legs open slightly, involuntarily. He places his hands on my thighs. “Look at me” he commands. I do and I nod. He kisses me and the moment his lips crash into mine he enters me, with one strong thrust. I wrap my arms around his neck. It’s only grunts and moans until he comes inside me.
He holds me there, leaning against the door when he eventually takes a step backwards. We’re not looking at each other, I put my skirt back down and get the bag off the floor. I close the door behind me leaving my old life behind.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE DJ 2
“Morning love” Howard whispers into my ear. “Rise and shine”
I roll on my back stretching my arms. I slowly open my eyes and I see him sitting on the side of the bed looking at me. He’s smiling. I look at him puzzled “what are you doing here?”
He caresses my hair “I live here, remember?” and gently kisses my lips.
I haven’t let him anywhere near me over the past 48 hours. I’ve spent as much time as I could outside or pretended to be dead tired at night.
“Breakfast in bed” he says satisfied pointing at the tray on the bedside table.
*to celebrate the slaughter of the innocent?* But I keep it for me, he’s not forcing me. It’s my choice.
I smile back, weakly, “not hungry, I threw up last night and once already this morning”
“I heard you, I was next door. I wanted to check on you but you made it clear…”
“I need some space, that’s it”
“I hate sleeping in the guests’ room. How you feel now?”
“Great, can’t you tell?”
“It’ll be over soon”
“Right, thanks for reminding me”
He ignores my last remark so I suddenly push myself up to sitting position leaning against the headboard.
He laughs trying not to spill the juice as I move “this is a sun juice, pure vitamin C” and I see his eyes trailing down the sheets. I’m wearing my ‘grumpy but gorgeous’ PJ.
“I miss you” and places the glass on the tray. He gently pulls the sheets away from me revealing my bare legs. I give him my ‘don’t even think about it’ look and cover them back. He looks disappointed, and that’s the moment I realize there’s music playing too. It’s Joss Stone’s ‘Tell me what we’re gonna do’. I love this song and he knows it. I caress his cheek, almost by default.
"No, Howard, I’m not in the mood...did you say something about a fantastic breakfast?"He clears his throat but no words come out so he just nods dumbly. He leans and his lips touch the corner of her mouth. “I love you”
‘You don't have to make your mind up
I just wanna take my time with you yeah
If that's alrightit's alright it's alright
Oh forgive me if I get to shy
but maybe you're the reason why
I'm feelin' butterflies
I feel it too
Somethin' bout the look in your eyes
Oooh it just makes me feel so right’
“I know, it’s just… it’s too much” I answer him
He nods and leans over to gently kiss my chin. This time, he puts a little more effort in. His lips parts slowly moving against my skin. Sliding and sucking gently, he then pulls away and again smiles at me.
“It’s going to be alright. I’ll be right by your side” he whispers. I can hear his breathing. I reach up with my hand and touch the back of his neck. I can feel his tongue teasing my skin.
‘Well you're my boy
You're my joy
You're my dream
I'm for ya I adore your everything that I need
I love how you love me
If I'm made for you
you're made for me
It's too good to be
So tell me what we're gonna do now’
I arch my back as I feel his tongue touch my breast. He knows exactly what buttons to push. I can feel his tongue teasing me with a slow sucking motion. His lips move along my skin. *it could just be so perfect, we could be perfect*
He moves down and shifts. His arms slide under my legs and his hands gently grip my waist. His tongue now flicks across my skin just above my panties.
‘Funny how my world keeps spinnin'
sometimes you can be so silly
You know just how to make me laugh
YeahYou're skin is so lovely
When you touch me
I know that you got my back
Sure do, yes I do
I feel so safe when you hold me
It's like you know me’
His fingers delicately caress my inner thigh. He whispers softly, his lips brushing against my ear and his warm breath causing little goose bumps on her neck. “Please, let me make love to you, you cannot punish me for this”
I open my eyes wide and push him away “I’m not punishing you. I’m just drowning and you’re standing on the shore watching me gasping for hair”. I get off the bed.
He buries his face on the pillow “tell me what to do!”
I’m about to tell him *change your mind, let’s have this baby* but I know it’s pointless. “I’m taking a shower now”
‘Well you're my boy
You're my joy
You're my dream
I'm for ya I adore your everything that I need
I love how you love meIf I'm made for you’
But first I walk to the stereo and switch it off, “Stupid love song” I mumble
“Titti, please, at least talk to me, I know you’re mad, but it’s all for the best”
I look at him “I know, I’m not blaming you, I need to be at clinic by 10, are you coming?”
He gets off the bed too and almost run to me taking me into his arms “of course I am”
I push him away, “good, you should start getting ready then”
The drive to the posh and super private clinic Howard found is silent. He did try to come up with different topics of conversation until I burst out.
“I might start screaming my head off now. So cut the bloody crap. I don’t give a shit if Gaz thinks the tour will be great or that we should buy a house in Tuscany. I don’t need to be entertained; you’re supposed to support me and not to piss me off”
He got the message loud and clear. We walk inside the clinic together, he’s holding my hand. He does the talking to the super-smiling nurse at the reception. I follow them along the corridor and up the elevator. It’s really fast, I have trouble breathing and I need to lean on Howard. He wraps my shoulder with his arm and kisses my head.
The doctor sees me immediately, I don’t even want to know how much it’s costing him “nothing is too much for you” that’s his catch phrase… I used to like it a lot.
We’re both sitting in his study, “So Dr. Martini, you probably know surgical abortion is a medical procedure that involves minor out-patient surgery. Since you will only be sedated and given pain killers during the procedure there are no risks often associated with anesthesia. You’ll also remain awake and conscious during the abortion.”
“Great” I mumble
“I’ll have to do another ultrasound so to determine how far along you are”
“I did it last week, here it is” and I hand it to him
He smiles “thanks but I tend not to trust the NHS, so if you’ll lie down...”
Howard doesn’t move, he doesn’t want to see.
“He checks the monitor and all the little arrows and lines measuring the pulsing thing inside my womb. No doubt, you’re 6 weeks and 3 days.” He cleans my belly so I can stand up again. “So, a nurse who will be by your side all the way through the procedure, if you have doubts or questions this is the moment to ask them”
I look at Howard who’s looking out of the window, I sigh and smile at the doctor “no, I guess I’m ready”.
Another nurse come and pick me up, I’m about to leave the study when Howard grabs my arm and he’s about to kiss me. I stare at him in disbelief “DON’T-EVEN-THINK-ABOUT-IT”
They all freeze, I turn to the nurse “let’s go”.
We enter into another room “you should wear this” and hands me a green gown. I must be really really pale.
“Is there something wrong?” she asks me
I look at her “don’t want to do it”
“Then don’t”
I’m still staring at her, so simple, so so simple. I smile “you’re right”. Grab my purse and run outside down the corridor like a woman possessed. I pass right in front of and astonished Howard who follows me. I push the elevator button and step in, he makes it inside too right before the door closes. I push the ground floor button biting my lip. He looks at me concerned, “what happened in there? What did they do to you?”
I look into his eyes “I’m having our baby and if you don’t want it it’s fine by me, I can do it on my own. If I get rid of him I’ll never forgive myself”
“But I thought we…. we decided…..”
“I changed my mind” and the speed of the elevator gets me again, I feel dizzy and I need to lean to the metal wall. He grabs me before my knees go weak placing his lips on my forehead. He takes a step backward and runs a finger over my face and down my neck. He sighs “ok… let’s do this…but you need to promise me, no changes. This baby won’t wreck our lives”
“It’s our baby, it’s going to be fine”
He holds me tight and it’s a good thing I can’t see his face because he’s concerned, and scared and disappointed.
We’re not in the car yet and I’m already on the phone “We’re having a baby!!!!!!”
Jo sounds really happy “I’m so glad! This is great news! Did you have to threaten him with a teaser gun?”
“No” and I laugh
“We need to go shopping now”
“Yes we do!!!”
Howard shakes his head almost smiling. Once I’m done with talking to Jo I call my mother and his mother, and his sister, and his brothers, all of them.
I hug him “I’m so so happy love”
“I can tell” he says amused
“You won’t regret this”
“Of course I won’t. You’re a control freak; you won’t let anything happen to us”
My sixth sense alarm starts beeping, I don’t like the sound of it but right now I cannot think about it.
He cups my face and kisses me “people use to love different things, then they have kids and their world is over. I don’t want our perfect world to be over”
“You’re the only one I want to be the father of my children, I’ll take good care of us” and I smile at him.
Once we get home Jason calls him.
“I cannot believe it! You know if someone had told me you and Titti were going to have a family before me I would have laughed at them”
“Who’s laughing now tango man?”
“Don’t call me that”
He laughs scratching his head “Fuck! I’m going to be a father…”
“So, how is it going? Still throwing up?”
“No, I’ve never thrown up, I mean, my back kills me every once in while and I seem to be developing an intolerance to zucchini, but a part from that I would say I’m fine, thanks mate”
“Not you smartass, Titti”
I laugh listening to their conversation, I jump on the couch and on Howard trying to grab his mobile “I’m fine Jason, never been better” I yell so he can hear me.
Howard looks at me “gotta go mate” and hangs up. He cups my face “I’m so glad you’re back to me”
“And I’m back with a vengeance too” and I nibble his ear stroking his manhood using my knee.
“God babe…”
“Time to make it up to you…”
I roll on my back stretching my arms. I slowly open my eyes and I see him sitting on the side of the bed looking at me. He’s smiling. I look at him puzzled “what are you doing here?”
He caresses my hair “I live here, remember?” and gently kisses my lips.
I haven’t let him anywhere near me over the past 48 hours. I’ve spent as much time as I could outside or pretended to be dead tired at night.
“Breakfast in bed” he says satisfied pointing at the tray on the bedside table.
*to celebrate the slaughter of the innocent?* But I keep it for me, he’s not forcing me. It’s my choice.
I smile back, weakly, “not hungry, I threw up last night and once already this morning”
“I heard you, I was next door. I wanted to check on you but you made it clear…”
“I need some space, that’s it”
“I hate sleeping in the guests’ room. How you feel now?”
“Great, can’t you tell?”
“It’ll be over soon”
“Right, thanks for reminding me”
He ignores my last remark so I suddenly push myself up to sitting position leaning against the headboard.
He laughs trying not to spill the juice as I move “this is a sun juice, pure vitamin C” and I see his eyes trailing down the sheets. I’m wearing my ‘grumpy but gorgeous’ PJ.
“I miss you” and places the glass on the tray. He gently pulls the sheets away from me revealing my bare legs. I give him my ‘don’t even think about it’ look and cover them back. He looks disappointed, and that’s the moment I realize there’s music playing too. It’s Joss Stone’s ‘Tell me what we’re gonna do’. I love this song and he knows it. I caress his cheek, almost by default.
"No, Howard, I’m not in the mood...did you say something about a fantastic breakfast?"He clears his throat but no words come out so he just nods dumbly. He leans and his lips touch the corner of her mouth. “I love you”
‘You don't have to make your mind up
I just wanna take my time with you yeah
If that's alrightit's alright it's alright
Oh forgive me if I get to shy
but maybe you're the reason why
I'm feelin' butterflies
I feel it too
Somethin' bout the look in your eyes
Oooh it just makes me feel so right’
“I know, it’s just… it’s too much” I answer him
He nods and leans over to gently kiss my chin. This time, he puts a little more effort in. His lips parts slowly moving against my skin. Sliding and sucking gently, he then pulls away and again smiles at me.
“It’s going to be alright. I’ll be right by your side” he whispers. I can hear his breathing. I reach up with my hand and touch the back of his neck. I can feel his tongue teasing my skin.
‘Well you're my boy
You're my joy
You're my dream
I'm for ya I adore your everything that I need
I love how you love me
If I'm made for you
you're made for me
It's too good to be
So tell me what we're gonna do now’
I arch my back as I feel his tongue touch my breast. He knows exactly what buttons to push. I can feel his tongue teasing me with a slow sucking motion. His lips move along my skin. *it could just be so perfect, we could be perfect*
He moves down and shifts. His arms slide under my legs and his hands gently grip my waist. His tongue now flicks across my skin just above my panties.
‘Funny how my world keeps spinnin'
sometimes you can be so silly
You know just how to make me laugh
YeahYou're skin is so lovely
When you touch me
I know that you got my back
Sure do, yes I do
I feel so safe when you hold me
It's like you know me’
His fingers delicately caress my inner thigh. He whispers softly, his lips brushing against my ear and his warm breath causing little goose bumps on her neck. “Please, let me make love to you, you cannot punish me for this”
I open my eyes wide and push him away “I’m not punishing you. I’m just drowning and you’re standing on the shore watching me gasping for hair”. I get off the bed.
He buries his face on the pillow “tell me what to do!”
I’m about to tell him *change your mind, let’s have this baby* but I know it’s pointless. “I’m taking a shower now”
‘Well you're my boy
You're my joy
You're my dream
I'm for ya I adore your everything that I need
I love how you love meIf I'm made for you’
But first I walk to the stereo and switch it off, “Stupid love song” I mumble
“Titti, please, at least talk to me, I know you’re mad, but it’s all for the best”
I look at him “I know, I’m not blaming you, I need to be at clinic by 10, are you coming?”
He gets off the bed too and almost run to me taking me into his arms “of course I am”
I push him away, “good, you should start getting ready then”
The drive to the posh and super private clinic Howard found is silent. He did try to come up with different topics of conversation until I burst out.
“I might start screaming my head off now. So cut the bloody crap. I don’t give a shit if Gaz thinks the tour will be great or that we should buy a house in Tuscany. I don’t need to be entertained; you’re supposed to support me and not to piss me off”
He got the message loud and clear. We walk inside the clinic together, he’s holding my hand. He does the talking to the super-smiling nurse at the reception. I follow them along the corridor and up the elevator. It’s really fast, I have trouble breathing and I need to lean on Howard. He wraps my shoulder with his arm and kisses my head.
The doctor sees me immediately, I don’t even want to know how much it’s costing him “nothing is too much for you” that’s his catch phrase… I used to like it a lot.
We’re both sitting in his study, “So Dr. Martini, you probably know surgical abortion is a medical procedure that involves minor out-patient surgery. Since you will only be sedated and given pain killers during the procedure there are no risks often associated with anesthesia. You’ll also remain awake and conscious during the abortion.”
“Great” I mumble
“I’ll have to do another ultrasound so to determine how far along you are”
“I did it last week, here it is” and I hand it to him
He smiles “thanks but I tend not to trust the NHS, so if you’ll lie down...”
Howard doesn’t move, he doesn’t want to see.
“He checks the monitor and all the little arrows and lines measuring the pulsing thing inside my womb. No doubt, you’re 6 weeks and 3 days.” He cleans my belly so I can stand up again. “So, a nurse who will be by your side all the way through the procedure, if you have doubts or questions this is the moment to ask them”
I look at Howard who’s looking out of the window, I sigh and smile at the doctor “no, I guess I’m ready”.
Another nurse come and pick me up, I’m about to leave the study when Howard grabs my arm and he’s about to kiss me. I stare at him in disbelief “DON’T-EVEN-THINK-ABOUT-IT”
They all freeze, I turn to the nurse “let’s go”.
We enter into another room “you should wear this” and hands me a green gown. I must be really really pale.
“Is there something wrong?” she asks me
I look at her “don’t want to do it”
“Then don’t”
I’m still staring at her, so simple, so so simple. I smile “you’re right”. Grab my purse and run outside down the corridor like a woman possessed. I pass right in front of and astonished Howard who follows me. I push the elevator button and step in, he makes it inside too right before the door closes. I push the ground floor button biting my lip. He looks at me concerned, “what happened in there? What did they do to you?”
I look into his eyes “I’m having our baby and if you don’t want it it’s fine by me, I can do it on my own. If I get rid of him I’ll never forgive myself”
“But I thought we…. we decided…..”
“I changed my mind” and the speed of the elevator gets me again, I feel dizzy and I need to lean to the metal wall. He grabs me before my knees go weak placing his lips on my forehead. He takes a step backward and runs a finger over my face and down my neck. He sighs “ok… let’s do this…but you need to promise me, no changes. This baby won’t wreck our lives”
“It’s our baby, it’s going to be fine”
He holds me tight and it’s a good thing I can’t see his face because he’s concerned, and scared and disappointed.
We’re not in the car yet and I’m already on the phone “We’re having a baby!!!!!!”
Jo sounds really happy “I’m so glad! This is great news! Did you have to threaten him with a teaser gun?”
“No” and I laugh
“We need to go shopping now”
“Yes we do!!!”
Howard shakes his head almost smiling. Once I’m done with talking to Jo I call my mother and his mother, and his sister, and his brothers, all of them.
I hug him “I’m so so happy love”
“I can tell” he says amused
“You won’t regret this”
“Of course I won’t. You’re a control freak; you won’t let anything happen to us”
My sixth sense alarm starts beeping, I don’t like the sound of it but right now I cannot think about it.
He cups my face and kisses me “people use to love different things, then they have kids and their world is over. I don’t want our perfect world to be over”
“You’re the only one I want to be the father of my children, I’ll take good care of us” and I smile at him.
Once we get home Jason calls him.
“I cannot believe it! You know if someone had told me you and Titti were going to have a family before me I would have laughed at them”
“Who’s laughing now tango man?”
“Don’t call me that”
He laughs scratching his head “Fuck! I’m going to be a father…”
“So, how is it going? Still throwing up?”
“No, I’ve never thrown up, I mean, my back kills me every once in while and I seem to be developing an intolerance to zucchini, but a part from that I would say I’m fine, thanks mate”
“Not you smartass, Titti”
I laugh listening to their conversation, I jump on the couch and on Howard trying to grab his mobile “I’m fine Jason, never been better” I yell so he can hear me.
Howard looks at me “gotta go mate” and hangs up. He cups my face “I’m so glad you’re back to me”
“And I’m back with a vengeance too” and I nibble his ear stroking his manhood using my knee.
“God babe…”
“Time to make it up to you…”
I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE DJ 1
I’m standing in front of the door of Jo’s house. I rang the bell three times already. I’m shifting my weight from one foot to another, holding two large shopping bags.
She finally opens the door and stares at me.
“Hello. Are you moving back in with us?”
“No thanks, I know better than starting a brand new bird food war against your tango man” and I walk in.
“Don’t call him that”
“Fine, Jason…”
“So what’s with all those bags?”
“I need your fashion expertise”
She laughs “I’ll just pretend I believe you” and crosses her arms.
“That’s very good of you. Were you working?”
“Yes. I have a big project due in a couple of days and I’m really behind”
“I hope you’re not talking to me because I’m not getting any hint. I need you”
She rolls her eyes “fine… let’s go to the bedroom”
She sits on a chair while I lean all my outfits on her bed.
We both stare at them. “So Jo, what do you think? Option number 1. My purple and blue dress. Casual but classy, generous cleavage, men love cleavage. Option number 2. Black pants with pearl grey shirt. Armani, an all time classic, maybe too serious. Option number 3. Jeans and light blue cachemire jumper. Casual and fun”
“Fun? Who are you a devil wearing Prada? Clothes cannot be funny”
“Shut up. Last but not least. Option number 4. My lucky skirt with my even luckier shirt. Elegant and…”
“Lucky I guess”
“I said shut up Jo”
She laughs “so why am I here?”
“Beside the fact it’s your own home? I need to know which one I should wear”
“I need to know what sort of message you wish to convey” and drinks some water out of a bottle.
I place my finger on my chin “let me think, how I can I put it in a nice way…I got it. Let’s just pretend you’re Howard”
“I’ll need a lisp then”
“and tons of sex appeal too”
She throws a pillow to me “cow”
“You’re welcome” and I duck
“So… I’m Howard. I’m standing right in front of you and I’m trying to remember why I still put up with you”
“You are so funny”
“What are you trying to tell me love? It must be important, you’re wearing a dedicated outfit – no it doesn’t sound like him, I don’t think he knows what dedicated means”
“Jo!” I pout
“Fine, you win, surprise me”
“What’s the outfit that doesn’t exactly screams ‘hi babe, I’m your passionate Italian lover who’s not trying to trap you into a marriage with an unplanned pregnancy’?”
She stares at me.
“Jo? Are you there?”
“What did you just say?”
“Are you there?”
“Before then, and if you say Jo I’m going to scream”
I bite my lip “I’m pregnant…”
She walks to me and hug me “that’s great news!”
“No it’s not. You know him. You’ve heard him, he doesn’t want to have children. He can go on and on and on about how boring kids and couple with kids are. Let me tell you, he won’t be head over hills when I tell him. And I don’t even know if you should do it”
“He needs to know”
“What for? To hear him say he knew it would happen sooner or later? That I got pregnant to trap him? I don’t think I can bear it, and I’m truly hormonal. I could kill him if he does”
“He would never say that. He loves you, and it’s his child you’re expecting”
“I know you’re right but…and it’s all your fault!”
“Mine?”
“Your wild hen night, the island, the alcohol, the stupid games. I got so drunk … got back to my room and he was sleeping, spreadeagle on the bed stark naked…”
“spare me…”
“So what should I wear? Who am I kidding? I know he’ll be disappointed and I know I’ll have to terminate this pregnancy.”
“maybe not”
I look at her “you don’t need to lie to me…”
“maybe he’ll change his mind”
“maybe hell will freeze”
“Belgian Chocolate?”
“Yes please”
When I get back home it’s almost dinner time, I carefully open the door hoping I’ll be able to tiptoe up to bedroom but the moment I get a foot inside Howard’s head come up from the kitchen.
He looks gorgeous, as usual, and he’s smiling “there you are”
“Ciao Dougielicous”
“Come here, need proper greeting…” he sees my bags “have you been shopping?”
“I wish… just dry-cleaning stuff”
“All afternoon?” and raises his eyebrow
“No, I went to see Jo, needed her advice”
“Anything I couldn’t help you with?”
*think babe think* “I don’t think so…I’m writing a paper on cultural taboos and I’m currently working on the implication of incestuous relationships in medieval society. You know, boring stuff, and I wanted to know Jo’s opinion whether sex between people related by adoption can be considered incest. What do you think?”
“Woody Allen and Soon-Yi style you mean?”
“You are a genius! That’s what I meant”
“Did Jo help you out? ‘Cause maybe you could call my sister…”
“I don’t want to bother her. I think I’m almost done with the bibliography I need…anyway! It smells good, what are you cooking?”
He walks to me and places his hands around my waste “you can taste me”
I smile and I kiss him, while our tongues are playing the only thing I can think of is the ultimate evil *cilantro*. I try to keep my upset stomach under control.
“Guacamole..” I tell him
“We have our winner” and kisses me again. “You’ve been eating very little lately. How much weight have you lost in the past two weeks?”
“None and I eat”
“Ice-cream cannot be considered a real food. So I decided to make you your favorite dishes, we have all sorts of Mexican food tonight.”
*more spices…oh God*
“Now go upstairs, get changed and I’ll be waiting for you in my kingdom” and gently smack my butt.
I smile and head upstairs. I step into the restroom and swallow a couple of vitamin B6 pills hoping they’ll help me to keep the next meal down. I look at myself in the mirror, Howard’s right, I’ve lost weight, probably due to the fact I do nothing but throwing up. “You need to tell him ~ I Know ~ So what are you waiting for?”
“Stop talking to yourself and bring your ass down here!” he yells from downstairs
*Fuck* “What did you hear?” I yell back
He laughs “nothing but I know your routine by heart love”
*asshole, you almost gave me a heart attack*
I walk into the kitchen and he’s standing at the stove just finishing the last preparation for the stir fry. He turns off the burner and welcomes me with his gorgeous smile. “Come here” he whispers
I slide my thumb between his belt and his jeans “I missed you today”
“Me too, would care helping me out?”
I nod and he positions me between him and the counter. His chest leaning on my back, his mouth on my ear.
*can’t have this baby if he doesn’t want me to, just can’t leave without him*
“We’ll need to chop some veggie now, do you think you can do it or you want me to show it to you first?”
I smile to myself, one year together and still he isn’t tired of playing games.
“Please How, can you show me?”
“It’s going to cost you” he whispers with his husky voice
“I have money”
“There’re things money can’t buy” and his body is melting with mine, I can feel his erection pressing against my leg
“I guess we can arrange that” and I rock back against him.
He takes my hand into his as we hold a knife “so, you pick the sweet pepper and you cut it like that”. As soon as he’s finished cutting it I can smell it and I know very well there’s no fighting nature. I push Howard back and run to the restroom covering my mouth with my hand. I hardly make it to the toilet. I flush and Howard is staring at me, standing by the doorframe “enough. We’re seeing a doctor, now”
I brush my teeth and wipe my mouth “no need to, I’m not sick”
“How do you call what just happened?”
“Pregnancy”. There, I said it and I can almost see the letters floating into the air reaching his ears. His face drops *Howard please*.
“Are you sure?” he asks
“My period is 12 days late”
He doesn’t move “is there any chance you had it and forgot about it?”
I storm out of the restroom “you’re an idiot” I hiss
“Wait, please, it’s just… maybe you’re not pregnant, we should do one of those tests. I’ll run to the pharmacy” he’s already grabbing his car key when I stop him. “I took the test, it agrees with me, WE’re pregnant”
He’s not ready to give up, I know him so well “they can be wrong, let’s go see a doctor, have an ultrasound. We cannot be sure unless we do that too” and smiles faintly.
I sighs, it’s going just as I pictured it would, I reach inside my handbag and hand him a picture “there you go, the gyno at the Hospital off Euston Road sends his congratulation to the happy father” I tell him with a pissed voice.
He stares at it, his hand slightly trembling.
“I know, there’s not much to see. We’re almost 6 weeks pregnant. Sorry to break the news but it’s time you update your denial file. I’m no longer hungry; I’ll be in our bedroom if you need to talk”.
I lie on the bed, all lights are off. I stare at the ceiling for almost half an hour thinking what to do next when the door opens. Howard walks in carrying a plate.
I turn on my side, to face the window “Go away, I don’t want to talk you right now and I’m not hungry”
“You need to eat love. It’s just rice, you should be able to keep it down”
“I don’t want to fight”
“Me neither, there’s no reason to” he places the plate on my bedside table and sit on the bed caressing my hair “did it happen on Necker Island?”
“Yes, and I’m already blaming Jo and Jason for it” I tell him trying to smile “if they had an ordinary wedding like common people do, in a quite charming church in the English countryside none of this would have happened”
“I remember I asked you if you had taken the pill, and you answered yes. You were so drunk…”
“DO YOU THINK I DID IT ON PURPOSE?”
He leans and kisses me “I didn’t say that, and you know better than accusing me of something like that”
I cover my eyes with my hands “shit!”
“Don’t worry. We’re in this together and we’re going to solve the problem together”
I close my eyes *I knew it* “You don’t want it?”
He looks at me like I’ve just asked him to shag Gaz.
He’s still caressing my hair “next week is our anniversary. I made reservation in a 5 star resort in Zanzibar. 10 days. Just me and you and nobody else. That’s how I like it”
“Honey..”
He shuts me up with another slow, loving kiss “don’t you like what we have? Because I’m crazy about it. I don’t like changes”. He tenderly pushes me on my back so to rest his head between my breasts “a baby would ruin everything”
I close my eyes and lock my fingers into his hair. He starts rubbing my side as moves both his legs on the bed to lie on top of me, his knees gently opening my legs. He rests on his elbows brushing his nose against mine.
“Why change what’s perfect? The two of us is perfect. We talk, and we laugh, and the sex is great and I love you…a baby would just mess up what we have. I don’t want to worry about nappies and bottles and I don’t want you to worry about it neither. I want to be free to take you to Paris if I want to, or have sex in the kitchen and hear you screaming without having to bother about a kid who might hear us.”
“It’s our baby, it’s me and you Howard”
“Not now, that’s all I’m asking, we’ll have children eventually but not now. I’m planning on being your number one priority for a little longer” and kisses me.
“Listen to me, we could hire a nanny, an old, toothless and possibly lesbian nanny”
He laughs “one day love, I promise, just not now”
I sigh, “fine, I’ll try to get an appointment to terminate the pregnancy as soon as possible”
“I’m sorry love, I know you’re upset…”
“I was upset when you accidentally erased my hard disk, I was upset when you missed my parents wedding anniversary. This is not upsetting! This is major turning point in our relation Howard, do you understand it?”
“I love you”
“I know, I love you too, maybe you’re right” I try to fight the tears and he sees me, so hugs me tight whispering soft words into my ear. I break from his embrace “I’ll have something to eat now”.
“Good, and I promise we’re going to be so happy in Zanzibar” he does his puppy eyes “and you can focus on me”
The following morning I’m staring at the phone in my office, next to it lays a yellow post it. It reads Friday, 10.00 o’clock, 13th floor. All information I need to terminate my pregnancy.
I call Jo “hello colleague, how are you?”
“I thought you would call me last night. Did you tell him?”
“Yes”
“And?”
“He couldn’t be happier, he’s already thinking about names”
“I told you”
I bang my head on the table “I’m kidding! Are you losing your touch? He was so disappointed. He said not now, eventually but not now”
“Shit, what are you going to do?”
“I’ve an appointment for Friday”
“So you just going to get rid of the baby”
“What do you suggest?”
“What if this is your chance to be a mom? What if you give up on your baby and you break up with Howard in a year or two?”
“You’re my ray of sunshine Jo”
“You just need to understand what you want”
“I was thinking, if I keep the baby I will have to give up on Howard, do you think I can keep the Audi?”
“Why not” she’s not amused
“And I’ll need a place to live…”
She laughs bitterly “You need to make your own decision. This is about you and you only. Fuck! I should have listened to Jay I should have never invited you over for dinner that night”
“But it was fun…” and I smile remembering Jo and Jason discussing about dinner right in front of me.
*Flashback* Jo met Jason while he was taking few classes at uni and ended up being one of her students. They had been dating for a year when I moved to England. Few weeks later we were all at Jason’s house.
‘They need to meet Jason’
‘You don’t know Doug. It’ll be a disaster Jo’
‘He’s single, she’s single and they’re our best friends’
‘He’s not single, he’s a commitment phobic and she’s single because no man would put up with her, it qualifies her as a spinster’
‘She can be charming’
‘Don’t mind me’ I said while sitting on the couch right in front of them, but they ignored me.
‘Maybe…’ he said checking me out ‘and Howard has one twisted mind’
‘There you go’ Jo said ‘dinner will be, tomorrow night’
She finally opens the door and stares at me.
“Hello. Are you moving back in with us?”
“No thanks, I know better than starting a brand new bird food war against your tango man” and I walk in.
“Don’t call him that”
“Fine, Jason…”
“So what’s with all those bags?”
“I need your fashion expertise”
She laughs “I’ll just pretend I believe you” and crosses her arms.
“That’s very good of you. Were you working?”
“Yes. I have a big project due in a couple of days and I’m really behind”
“I hope you’re not talking to me because I’m not getting any hint. I need you”
She rolls her eyes “fine… let’s go to the bedroom”
She sits on a chair while I lean all my outfits on her bed.
We both stare at them. “So Jo, what do you think? Option number 1. My purple and blue dress. Casual but classy, generous cleavage, men love cleavage. Option number 2. Black pants with pearl grey shirt. Armani, an all time classic, maybe too serious. Option number 3. Jeans and light blue cachemire jumper. Casual and fun”
“Fun? Who are you a devil wearing Prada? Clothes cannot be funny”
“Shut up. Last but not least. Option number 4. My lucky skirt with my even luckier shirt. Elegant and…”
“Lucky I guess”
“I said shut up Jo”
She laughs “so why am I here?”
“Beside the fact it’s your own home? I need to know which one I should wear”
“I need to know what sort of message you wish to convey” and drinks some water out of a bottle.
I place my finger on my chin “let me think, how I can I put it in a nice way…I got it. Let’s just pretend you’re Howard”
“I’ll need a lisp then”
“and tons of sex appeal too”
She throws a pillow to me “cow”
“You’re welcome” and I duck
“So… I’m Howard. I’m standing right in front of you and I’m trying to remember why I still put up with you”
“You are so funny”
“What are you trying to tell me love? It must be important, you’re wearing a dedicated outfit – no it doesn’t sound like him, I don’t think he knows what dedicated means”
“Jo!” I pout
“Fine, you win, surprise me”
“What’s the outfit that doesn’t exactly screams ‘hi babe, I’m your passionate Italian lover who’s not trying to trap you into a marriage with an unplanned pregnancy’?”
She stares at me.
“Jo? Are you there?”
“What did you just say?”
“Are you there?”
“Before then, and if you say Jo I’m going to scream”
I bite my lip “I’m pregnant…”
She walks to me and hug me “that’s great news!”
“No it’s not. You know him. You’ve heard him, he doesn’t want to have children. He can go on and on and on about how boring kids and couple with kids are. Let me tell you, he won’t be head over hills when I tell him. And I don’t even know if you should do it”
“He needs to know”
“What for? To hear him say he knew it would happen sooner or later? That I got pregnant to trap him? I don’t think I can bear it, and I’m truly hormonal. I could kill him if he does”
“He would never say that. He loves you, and it’s his child you’re expecting”
“I know you’re right but…and it’s all your fault!”
“Mine?”
“Your wild hen night, the island, the alcohol, the stupid games. I got so drunk … got back to my room and he was sleeping, spreadeagle on the bed stark naked…”
“spare me…”
“So what should I wear? Who am I kidding? I know he’ll be disappointed and I know I’ll have to terminate this pregnancy.”
“maybe not”
I look at her “you don’t need to lie to me…”
“maybe he’ll change his mind”
“maybe hell will freeze”
“Belgian Chocolate?”
“Yes please”
When I get back home it’s almost dinner time, I carefully open the door hoping I’ll be able to tiptoe up to bedroom but the moment I get a foot inside Howard’s head come up from the kitchen.
He looks gorgeous, as usual, and he’s smiling “there you are”
“Ciao Dougielicous”
“Come here, need proper greeting…” he sees my bags “have you been shopping?”
“I wish… just dry-cleaning stuff”
“All afternoon?” and raises his eyebrow
“No, I went to see Jo, needed her advice”
“Anything I couldn’t help you with?”
*think babe think* “I don’t think so…I’m writing a paper on cultural taboos and I’m currently working on the implication of incestuous relationships in medieval society. You know, boring stuff, and I wanted to know Jo’s opinion whether sex between people related by adoption can be considered incest. What do you think?”
“Woody Allen and Soon-Yi style you mean?”
“You are a genius! That’s what I meant”
“Did Jo help you out? ‘Cause maybe you could call my sister…”
“I don’t want to bother her. I think I’m almost done with the bibliography I need…anyway! It smells good, what are you cooking?”
He walks to me and places his hands around my waste “you can taste me”
I smile and I kiss him, while our tongues are playing the only thing I can think of is the ultimate evil *cilantro*. I try to keep my upset stomach under control.
“Guacamole..” I tell him
“We have our winner” and kisses me again. “You’ve been eating very little lately. How much weight have you lost in the past two weeks?”
“None and I eat”
“Ice-cream cannot be considered a real food. So I decided to make you your favorite dishes, we have all sorts of Mexican food tonight.”
*more spices…oh God*
“Now go upstairs, get changed and I’ll be waiting for you in my kingdom” and gently smack my butt.
I smile and head upstairs. I step into the restroom and swallow a couple of vitamin B6 pills hoping they’ll help me to keep the next meal down. I look at myself in the mirror, Howard’s right, I’ve lost weight, probably due to the fact I do nothing but throwing up. “You need to tell him ~ I Know ~ So what are you waiting for?”
“Stop talking to yourself and bring your ass down here!” he yells from downstairs
*Fuck* “What did you hear?” I yell back
He laughs “nothing but I know your routine by heart love”
*asshole, you almost gave me a heart attack*
I walk into the kitchen and he’s standing at the stove just finishing the last preparation for the stir fry. He turns off the burner and welcomes me with his gorgeous smile. “Come here” he whispers
I slide my thumb between his belt and his jeans “I missed you today”
“Me too, would care helping me out?”
I nod and he positions me between him and the counter. His chest leaning on my back, his mouth on my ear.
*can’t have this baby if he doesn’t want me to, just can’t leave without him*
“We’ll need to chop some veggie now, do you think you can do it or you want me to show it to you first?”
I smile to myself, one year together and still he isn’t tired of playing games.
“Please How, can you show me?”
“It’s going to cost you” he whispers with his husky voice
“I have money”
“There’re things money can’t buy” and his body is melting with mine, I can feel his erection pressing against my leg
“I guess we can arrange that” and I rock back against him.
He takes my hand into his as we hold a knife “so, you pick the sweet pepper and you cut it like that”. As soon as he’s finished cutting it I can smell it and I know very well there’s no fighting nature. I push Howard back and run to the restroom covering my mouth with my hand. I hardly make it to the toilet. I flush and Howard is staring at me, standing by the doorframe “enough. We’re seeing a doctor, now”
I brush my teeth and wipe my mouth “no need to, I’m not sick”
“How do you call what just happened?”
“Pregnancy”. There, I said it and I can almost see the letters floating into the air reaching his ears. His face drops *Howard please*.
“Are you sure?” he asks
“My period is 12 days late”
He doesn’t move “is there any chance you had it and forgot about it?”
I storm out of the restroom “you’re an idiot” I hiss
“Wait, please, it’s just… maybe you’re not pregnant, we should do one of those tests. I’ll run to the pharmacy” he’s already grabbing his car key when I stop him. “I took the test, it agrees with me, WE’re pregnant”
He’s not ready to give up, I know him so well “they can be wrong, let’s go see a doctor, have an ultrasound. We cannot be sure unless we do that too” and smiles faintly.
I sighs, it’s going just as I pictured it would, I reach inside my handbag and hand him a picture “there you go, the gyno at the Hospital off Euston Road sends his congratulation to the happy father” I tell him with a pissed voice.
He stares at it, his hand slightly trembling.
“I know, there’s not much to see. We’re almost 6 weeks pregnant. Sorry to break the news but it’s time you update your denial file. I’m no longer hungry; I’ll be in our bedroom if you need to talk”.
I lie on the bed, all lights are off. I stare at the ceiling for almost half an hour thinking what to do next when the door opens. Howard walks in carrying a plate.
I turn on my side, to face the window “Go away, I don’t want to talk you right now and I’m not hungry”
“You need to eat love. It’s just rice, you should be able to keep it down”
“I don’t want to fight”
“Me neither, there’s no reason to” he places the plate on my bedside table and sit on the bed caressing my hair “did it happen on Necker Island?”
“Yes, and I’m already blaming Jo and Jason for it” I tell him trying to smile “if they had an ordinary wedding like common people do, in a quite charming church in the English countryside none of this would have happened”
“I remember I asked you if you had taken the pill, and you answered yes. You were so drunk…”
“DO YOU THINK I DID IT ON PURPOSE?”
He leans and kisses me “I didn’t say that, and you know better than accusing me of something like that”
I cover my eyes with my hands “shit!”
“Don’t worry. We’re in this together and we’re going to solve the problem together”
I close my eyes *I knew it* “You don’t want it?”
He looks at me like I’ve just asked him to shag Gaz.
He’s still caressing my hair “next week is our anniversary. I made reservation in a 5 star resort in Zanzibar. 10 days. Just me and you and nobody else. That’s how I like it”
“Honey..”
He shuts me up with another slow, loving kiss “don’t you like what we have? Because I’m crazy about it. I don’t like changes”. He tenderly pushes me on my back so to rest his head between my breasts “a baby would ruin everything”
I close my eyes and lock my fingers into his hair. He starts rubbing my side as moves both his legs on the bed to lie on top of me, his knees gently opening my legs. He rests on his elbows brushing his nose against mine.
“Why change what’s perfect? The two of us is perfect. We talk, and we laugh, and the sex is great and I love you…a baby would just mess up what we have. I don’t want to worry about nappies and bottles and I don’t want you to worry about it neither. I want to be free to take you to Paris if I want to, or have sex in the kitchen and hear you screaming without having to bother about a kid who might hear us.”
“It’s our baby, it’s me and you Howard”
“Not now, that’s all I’m asking, we’ll have children eventually but not now. I’m planning on being your number one priority for a little longer” and kisses me.
“Listen to me, we could hire a nanny, an old, toothless and possibly lesbian nanny”
He laughs “one day love, I promise, just not now”
I sigh, “fine, I’ll try to get an appointment to terminate the pregnancy as soon as possible”
“I’m sorry love, I know you’re upset…”
“I was upset when you accidentally erased my hard disk, I was upset when you missed my parents wedding anniversary. This is not upsetting! This is major turning point in our relation Howard, do you understand it?”
“I love you”
“I know, I love you too, maybe you’re right” I try to fight the tears and he sees me, so hugs me tight whispering soft words into my ear. I break from his embrace “I’ll have something to eat now”.
“Good, and I promise we’re going to be so happy in Zanzibar” he does his puppy eyes “and you can focus on me”
The following morning I’m staring at the phone in my office, next to it lays a yellow post it. It reads Friday, 10.00 o’clock, 13th floor. All information I need to terminate my pregnancy.
I call Jo “hello colleague, how are you?”
“I thought you would call me last night. Did you tell him?”
“Yes”
“And?”
“He couldn’t be happier, he’s already thinking about names”
“I told you”
I bang my head on the table “I’m kidding! Are you losing your touch? He was so disappointed. He said not now, eventually but not now”
“Shit, what are you going to do?”
“I’ve an appointment for Friday”
“So you just going to get rid of the baby”
“What do you suggest?”
“What if this is your chance to be a mom? What if you give up on your baby and you break up with Howard in a year or two?”
“You’re my ray of sunshine Jo”
“You just need to understand what you want”
“I was thinking, if I keep the baby I will have to give up on Howard, do you think I can keep the Audi?”
“Why not” she’s not amused
“And I’ll need a place to live…”
She laughs bitterly “You need to make your own decision. This is about you and you only. Fuck! I should have listened to Jay I should have never invited you over for dinner that night”
“But it was fun…” and I smile remembering Jo and Jason discussing about dinner right in front of me.
*Flashback* Jo met Jason while he was taking few classes at uni and ended up being one of her students. They had been dating for a year when I moved to England. Few weeks later we were all at Jason’s house.
‘They need to meet Jason’
‘You don’t know Doug. It’ll be a disaster Jo’
‘He’s single, she’s single and they’re our best friends’
‘He’s not single, he’s a commitment phobic and she’s single because no man would put up with her, it qualifies her as a spinster’
‘She can be charming’
‘Don’t mind me’ I said while sitting on the couch right in front of them, but they ignored me.
‘Maybe…’ he said checking me out ‘and Howard has one twisted mind’
‘There you go’ Jo said ‘dinner will be, tomorrow night’
venerdì 5 ottobre 2007
STAND 42 - EPILOGUE
Or… what the queen gives, the queen takes.
I’m sitting on a bench inside the small church feeding Terrence. It’s a sunny day, perfect for a wedding, but the temperature inside is rising. I gently wipe little drops of sweat from my son’s forehead. He’s so focused in sucking his bottle he doesn’t even notice. I smile at him.Someone gently pats my shoulder. I turn and I see Lara.
“Honey, we need to go home. The kids are getting out of control. And I need to feed to Taylor”
“Don’t worry, I understand” and I smile faintly “Maddi and Mark left half a hour ago”
“Where’s Howard?”
“He’s talking to Glenn”
“Are you feeling ok? You look pale”
“I am, I’m just tired” I look around me. The church is almost empty only family members and some of the closest friends are still here. “What a disaster La…”
“He should be here with you”
“He was”
“You are definitely pale”
Terrence finishes his bottle, looks up at me and burps. I smile “It’s hot in here”
She takes him from my arms “Let me put the little rascal in his pram”
“I don’t think so, you have three kids to take care of”
But she’s already placed him down “Better love?” she asks him and he yawns in reply.
“I’ll go get Doug”
“I’m right here La” he mutters and squats right in front of me brushing my thighs with his thumbs.
“Good” she answers me, “we’re going now” and kisses his head.
“How’s your sister?”
“Out of her mind” and rests his face on my legs.
“That’s understandable” I say and I can still hear her screaming in my ears. During our small walk from the room where she got ready and the entrance to the church Matthew, James’ best friend handed her a note. She smiled faintly, hands shaking while she opened it. She had stared at it for a very long time and then she read it out loud “I’m sorry, I can’t. Don’t hate me”.There, 3 simple sentences to leave her almost at the altar.Sam lost it, she started screaming and smashing things. Howard had to hold her tight while she was kicking the air. People in the church wondered what was going on. Glenn pushed his sister back into the Sacristy while Howard and I stared at each other.
“I’ll do it” I told him
“You don’t have to” he whispered
“Yes I do” and he kisses my lips “thanks”
So I walked down the isle, all eyes on me. Maddi squeezed my hand smiling. I sighed and stepped by the altar.
“I would like to thank you all for coming here, but I’m sorry to announce there will be no wedding today” there was nothing more to say. No words could change what was happening, especially because we could still here Sam yelling obscenities. People started to leave the church and I went sitting on a bench by one of the side chapels. And I was still there.“I’m taking you home now Titti, we all need to rest” Howard says “Are you ok love?”
“Why is everyone asking me that? Do I look so bad?” and try to laugh “It has been a long day”
“Where’s your sister?”
“Still back there, my mother and Glenn will take care of her. I’m taking my family home now”
“How, James called me…”
He looks at me surprised “what did he have to say?” he hisses
“He said she talked to Sam this morning. She told him she couldn’t wait to spend the rest of her life with him…”
His touch on my thighs his becoming heavier.
“And the only thing he could think of was the fact he would miss next Rangers’ game.”
He sighs “I just wished he realized it before she made a fool of herself in front of our family and friends”“We’ve been there babe, you don’t choose who to love”. He nods and we kiss.I run my fingers through his hair “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you”
“Are you proposing?” he whispers in my mouthI nod.
“It was about time. My answer is yes. I want to marry you”
“Nothing fancy though. Just me and you, and we should do it fast”
“I said yes and I’m not going anywhere” he says amused
“I know, but I’ve the feeling we’re having another baby and I would like to look human in my wedding pictures.”
I’m sitting on a bench inside the small church feeding Terrence. It’s a sunny day, perfect for a wedding, but the temperature inside is rising. I gently wipe little drops of sweat from my son’s forehead. He’s so focused in sucking his bottle he doesn’t even notice. I smile at him.Someone gently pats my shoulder. I turn and I see Lara.
“Honey, we need to go home. The kids are getting out of control. And I need to feed to Taylor”
“Don’t worry, I understand” and I smile faintly “Maddi and Mark left half a hour ago”
“Where’s Howard?”
“He’s talking to Glenn”
“Are you feeling ok? You look pale”
“I am, I’m just tired” I look around me. The church is almost empty only family members and some of the closest friends are still here. “What a disaster La…”
“He should be here with you”
“He was”
“You are definitely pale”
Terrence finishes his bottle, looks up at me and burps. I smile “It’s hot in here”
She takes him from my arms “Let me put the little rascal in his pram”
“I don’t think so, you have three kids to take care of”
But she’s already placed him down “Better love?” she asks him and he yawns in reply.
“I’ll go get Doug”
“I’m right here La” he mutters and squats right in front of me brushing my thighs with his thumbs.
“Good” she answers me, “we’re going now” and kisses his head.
“How’s your sister?”
“Out of her mind” and rests his face on my legs.
“That’s understandable” I say and I can still hear her screaming in my ears. During our small walk from the room where she got ready and the entrance to the church Matthew, James’ best friend handed her a note. She smiled faintly, hands shaking while she opened it. She had stared at it for a very long time and then she read it out loud “I’m sorry, I can’t. Don’t hate me”.There, 3 simple sentences to leave her almost at the altar.Sam lost it, she started screaming and smashing things. Howard had to hold her tight while she was kicking the air. People in the church wondered what was going on. Glenn pushed his sister back into the Sacristy while Howard and I stared at each other.
“I’ll do it” I told him
“You don’t have to” he whispered
“Yes I do” and he kisses my lips “thanks”
So I walked down the isle, all eyes on me. Maddi squeezed my hand smiling. I sighed and stepped by the altar.
“I would like to thank you all for coming here, but I’m sorry to announce there will be no wedding today” there was nothing more to say. No words could change what was happening, especially because we could still here Sam yelling obscenities. People started to leave the church and I went sitting on a bench by one of the side chapels. And I was still there.“I’m taking you home now Titti, we all need to rest” Howard says “Are you ok love?”
“Why is everyone asking me that? Do I look so bad?” and try to laugh “It has been a long day”
“Where’s your sister?”
“Still back there, my mother and Glenn will take care of her. I’m taking my family home now”
“How, James called me…”
He looks at me surprised “what did he have to say?” he hisses
“He said she talked to Sam this morning. She told him she couldn’t wait to spend the rest of her life with him…”
His touch on my thighs his becoming heavier.
“And the only thing he could think of was the fact he would miss next Rangers’ game.”
He sighs “I just wished he realized it before she made a fool of herself in front of our family and friends”“We’ve been there babe, you don’t choose who to love”. He nods and we kiss.I run my fingers through his hair “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you”
“Are you proposing?” he whispers in my mouthI nod.
“It was about time. My answer is yes. I want to marry you”
“Nothing fancy though. Just me and you, and we should do it fast”
“I said yes and I’m not going anywhere” he says amused
“I know, but I’ve the feeling we’re having another baby and I would like to look human in my wedding pictures.”
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