The office is going crazy, we have so many deadlines, and promotions and meetings I feel like I want to quit my job and find myself a rich husband. Which I had and I’m about to divorce. Still. In between two crazy morning meetings I decided my ultimate goal is to become a ‘lunch lady’.
The landline and my mobile are ringing off the hook. My assistant enters into my office and says “don’t shoot the messenger, your nanny called. Her sister had her baby three weeks before she was due and she has to go down to Brighton to assist her. She’s taking a train as we speak and she won’t be able to pick Antigone at school this afternoon”.
I look at her in disbelief, “I give you a raise if you tell me you’re kidding”
“I’d love the raise but it’s the sad truth”
“Shit!”
“You never say the ‘s’ word, my survival instinct tells me it is time to go back to my desk and mind my own businesses”
*Focus, if she can’t go, and I can’t go, video conference with the big bosses from NY, Howard is in Spain – note to self, next year is getting a tie – Dawn is visiting her parents* and my stream of consciousness is interrupted by my mobile.
“What!”
“Hello … luv … bad timing?”
“Robbie I am not in the mood. I’m dealing with a crisis, better, I’m moaning, moaning, moaning”
“Can I help?”
“No”
“As I said yesterday, words can hurt”
“I need to find someone to pick Antigone at her school. But I went through a mental list of suitable people to find out I am alone in this gloomy world”
“I can do it”
“Yes, right”
“Even though, as someone said” and he’s mocking my voice now “we need to take things slowly. I don’t think involving Antigone would be a smart move”
I find myself taking Robbie’s idea into consideration, “Yesterday was yesterday, it’s gone, forever. Today I might need some help. But are you sure? I won’t be home before 7 at the earliest. Have you ever spent 3 hours with a 5 years old?”
“I am 5 years old”
“If you are trying to reassure me, it’s not working. Do you have a piece of paper and a pen? I’m gonna give you the address and few instructions you are bound to follow.”
… “Got the address, what next?”
“Are you writing?”
“Yes”
“Antigone is allergic to soy and strawberries. And also, she's not allowed to watch commercial TV especially MTV. And no matter what she says, she has to hold your hand when you cross the street. She cannot have ice-cream before dinner. She should drink her orange juice but if she begs she can have a soda, but with no ice. And make sure she is wearing her cotton scarf; she had a bit of a cold last night. No rap music and no smoking in the house, or outside it. You cannot let her out of your sight for more than 30 seconds at the time. If she begs you to go to the playground, you have to check the sandbox first, because you never know what people throw in there. If there is nice old lady with disturbing almost blue hair sitting by the oak tree with her nephew, you’ll recognize him, looks like Edgard Hoover, run for your life. That kid is the devil and I don’t want Antigone to hang out with him”“Shit … so you were serious when you said I had to write… hold on a second.” I can picture him trying to remember all I said, I forgot if he sticks his tongue out when he’s trying to concentrate …
“One last thing, who’s Edgard Hoover?”
“I could scream right now, but I don’t have time and I’m gonna simply call her school and let them know you are picking her up.”
“Shouldn’t we use a fake name?”
“It is the school Prince William and Prince Henry went too. They won’t be impressed by Mr. Rudebox, believe me”
“I’m not listening”
“Be there at 4. Sharp. Antigone doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”
“No prob. See you later”
“What time do you need to be there?”
“At 5, to pick a 4 years old. Or is the other way round?”
“You are not funny”
Robbie is waiting outside her school. He sees her and waves, Antigone walks to him and smile. “Robert, so nice to see you again! Where’s my mum?”
“She’s working, so she asked me to come and pick you up, I hope it’s ok.” Takes a moment to look at her “What are you wearing?”
“A pink long skirt over my pants. Can’t you see? We had acting class today and Mrs. Jones made us choose a character and we are supposed to be that character until tomorrow.”
“And who are you, the Fairy from Fashion Nightmare?”
She turns around moving her long blond hair “I am Ophelia. I am desperately in love and I’ll kill myself”
“I guess Fiona from Shrek was not available. Ophelia, do you mind me asking, how old are you?”
“I’m 5” and she opens her hand, “I finished an entire set of fingers, look”. Robbie smiles and opens the car door for her. She looks at him and he looks at her “can’t you get in? Do you need help?”
“I’m 5 and I can only sit in the back”
“Right, let’s not tell your mother I tried to kill you”
“I’ll be dead by tomorrow, don’t worry, your secret is safe with me”
I rush home; hoping they both survived the experience. The moment I open the door I’m overcome by Bono’s voice blasting from the speakers singing “Elevation”.
Robbie is standing at the bottom of the stairs, wearing a black, 1600s man suit with a large white collar and he’s holding a skull. *God, please, let it be a fake one*. He’s moving around like a robot trying to climb the first step. Antigone is yelling at him from upstairs, I guess it could be in Italian but I’m not quite sure. She’s wearing a beautiful princess dress, has flowers in her hair and she’s throwing all her stuffed animal at him.
Robbie starts yelling too “To eat or not to eat, that is the question”.
I try to catch their attention but I feel like I’m invisible so I walk to the stereo and press STOP.
They both turn towards it and they see me “Mummy! You’re back” Robbie says, “Ciao mamma, cannot come down, too risky” add my daughter.
“What are you doing?”
“Don’t give me the death look, I have your list right here” and takes it out from his pocket
“You waterproof it?”
“Of course not! I had my assistant doing it for me. You are a scary person, anyway, there is nothing about re-writing Shakespeare in here and that’s what we are doing”
“Yes mummy!” she yells from upstairs “I’m Ophelia but Hamlet is a zombie, he ate Polonius and Gertrud already. I’m the only living being in Elsinore and I cannot let him bite me”
“Do you know how much that school cost? Do you have any idea of the phone calls I will be getting tomorrow morning? They took them to the Barbican to see the play” I’m trying to stay serious but it’s really hard
“I believe in being creative” he smiles
“And the costumes?”
“From Pinewood studios, my assistant again, they opened their warehouse only for us. It took her almost an hour to pick one. She’s her father’s daughter! And we also had a hairdresser to do her hair”
“If you wanted to impress her, the only thing you had to do was to buy her an ice-cream.” And I laugh “Should I simply ignore the two of you and get some dinner ready?”
He bows, “That would be lovely, but I EAT HUMAN MEAT” and runs up the stairs where Antigone is waiting for him.
The landline and my mobile are ringing off the hook. My assistant enters into my office and says “don’t shoot the messenger, your nanny called. Her sister had her baby three weeks before she was due and she has to go down to Brighton to assist her. She’s taking a train as we speak and she won’t be able to pick Antigone at school this afternoon”.
I look at her in disbelief, “I give you a raise if you tell me you’re kidding”
“I’d love the raise but it’s the sad truth”
“Shit!”
“You never say the ‘s’ word, my survival instinct tells me it is time to go back to my desk and mind my own businesses”
*Focus, if she can’t go, and I can’t go, video conference with the big bosses from NY, Howard is in Spain – note to self, next year is getting a tie – Dawn is visiting her parents* and my stream of consciousness is interrupted by my mobile.
“What!”
“Hello … luv … bad timing?”
“Robbie I am not in the mood. I’m dealing with a crisis, better, I’m moaning, moaning, moaning”
“Can I help?”
“No”
“As I said yesterday, words can hurt”
“I need to find someone to pick Antigone at her school. But I went through a mental list of suitable people to find out I am alone in this gloomy world”
“I can do it”
“Yes, right”
“Even though, as someone said” and he’s mocking my voice now “we need to take things slowly. I don’t think involving Antigone would be a smart move”
I find myself taking Robbie’s idea into consideration, “Yesterday was yesterday, it’s gone, forever. Today I might need some help. But are you sure? I won’t be home before 7 at the earliest. Have you ever spent 3 hours with a 5 years old?”
“I am 5 years old”
“If you are trying to reassure me, it’s not working. Do you have a piece of paper and a pen? I’m gonna give you the address and few instructions you are bound to follow.”
… “Got the address, what next?”
“Are you writing?”
“Yes”
“Antigone is allergic to soy and strawberries. And also, she's not allowed to watch commercial TV especially MTV. And no matter what she says, she has to hold your hand when you cross the street. She cannot have ice-cream before dinner. She should drink her orange juice but if she begs she can have a soda, but with no ice. And make sure she is wearing her cotton scarf; she had a bit of a cold last night. No rap music and no smoking in the house, or outside it. You cannot let her out of your sight for more than 30 seconds at the time. If she begs you to go to the playground, you have to check the sandbox first, because you never know what people throw in there. If there is nice old lady with disturbing almost blue hair sitting by the oak tree with her nephew, you’ll recognize him, looks like Edgard Hoover, run for your life. That kid is the devil and I don’t want Antigone to hang out with him”“Shit … so you were serious when you said I had to write… hold on a second.” I can picture him trying to remember all I said, I forgot if he sticks his tongue out when he’s trying to concentrate …
“One last thing, who’s Edgard Hoover?”
“I could scream right now, but I don’t have time and I’m gonna simply call her school and let them know you are picking her up.”
“Shouldn’t we use a fake name?”
“It is the school Prince William and Prince Henry went too. They won’t be impressed by Mr. Rudebox, believe me”
“I’m not listening”
“Be there at 4. Sharp. Antigone doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”
“No prob. See you later”
“What time do you need to be there?”
“At 5, to pick a 4 years old. Or is the other way round?”
“You are not funny”
Robbie is waiting outside her school. He sees her and waves, Antigone walks to him and smile. “Robert, so nice to see you again! Where’s my mum?”
“She’s working, so she asked me to come and pick you up, I hope it’s ok.” Takes a moment to look at her “What are you wearing?”
“A pink long skirt over my pants. Can’t you see? We had acting class today and Mrs. Jones made us choose a character and we are supposed to be that character until tomorrow.”
“And who are you, the Fairy from Fashion Nightmare?”
She turns around moving her long blond hair “I am Ophelia. I am desperately in love and I’ll kill myself”
“I guess Fiona from Shrek was not available. Ophelia, do you mind me asking, how old are you?”
“I’m 5” and she opens her hand, “I finished an entire set of fingers, look”. Robbie smiles and opens the car door for her. She looks at him and he looks at her “can’t you get in? Do you need help?”
“I’m 5 and I can only sit in the back”
“Right, let’s not tell your mother I tried to kill you”
“I’ll be dead by tomorrow, don’t worry, your secret is safe with me”
I rush home; hoping they both survived the experience. The moment I open the door I’m overcome by Bono’s voice blasting from the speakers singing “Elevation”.
Robbie is standing at the bottom of the stairs, wearing a black, 1600s man suit with a large white collar and he’s holding a skull. *God, please, let it be a fake one*. He’s moving around like a robot trying to climb the first step. Antigone is yelling at him from upstairs, I guess it could be in Italian but I’m not quite sure. She’s wearing a beautiful princess dress, has flowers in her hair and she’s throwing all her stuffed animal at him.
Robbie starts yelling too “To eat or not to eat, that is the question”.
I try to catch their attention but I feel like I’m invisible so I walk to the stereo and press STOP.
They both turn towards it and they see me “Mummy! You’re back” Robbie says, “Ciao mamma, cannot come down, too risky” add my daughter.
“What are you doing?”
“Don’t give me the death look, I have your list right here” and takes it out from his pocket
“You waterproof it?”
“Of course not! I had my assistant doing it for me. You are a scary person, anyway, there is nothing about re-writing Shakespeare in here and that’s what we are doing”
“Yes mummy!” she yells from upstairs “I’m Ophelia but Hamlet is a zombie, he ate Polonius and Gertrud already. I’m the only living being in Elsinore and I cannot let him bite me”
“Do you know how much that school cost? Do you have any idea of the phone calls I will be getting tomorrow morning? They took them to the Barbican to see the play” I’m trying to stay serious but it’s really hard
“I believe in being creative” he smiles
“And the costumes?”
“From Pinewood studios, my assistant again, they opened their warehouse only for us. It took her almost an hour to pick one. She’s her father’s daughter! And we also had a hairdresser to do her hair”
“If you wanted to impress her, the only thing you had to do was to buy her an ice-cream.” And I laugh “Should I simply ignore the two of you and get some dinner ready?”
He bows, “That would be lovely, but I EAT HUMAN MEAT” and runs up the stairs where Antigone is waiting for him.
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