NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition 1

It is a sunny day in California. I’m sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant by the ocean, near Carmel. I can see sails outlining the ocean’s borders, seagulls chasing clouds. My mind is taken by serious new age thoughts when “Yes! You die horrible green monster! I smashed you! Tah tah!”
I jump on my chair and I realize every single person is looking at us thinking *you should not have kids if you can’t control them*
I know. I used to be one of them.
I take a napkin and I try to clean my 5 years old daughter’s hands. “Sweetie, please. You have already embarrassed me enough for one day. Would you please consider a truce and leave your broccoli alone?”
“Mummy I can’t. Daddy says I can’t swallow them until I make sure they are really dead. You need to smash them all over the plate. Need to be super flat. He heard of a little girl just my age who ate her veggies without killing them first and they grew little legs while inside her stomach and went up her nose and suffocated her.”
I sigh, *note to self, tell Howard he needs counseling*
“Honey, veggies are good for you. If you eat them they will be grateful and they will make you stronger and taller and beautiful and clever”
I can tell from her face she likes the “killer broccoli story” better.
My mobile rings, I recognize the number, “Mummy needs to talk to this person, it is work. So I need you to behave like a little lady for at least 5 minutes. Can you do that for me?”
“Of course I can” she gives me her poppy eyes and keeps playing, quietly, with her poor food.
My phone call takes a little longer than expected and when I look back at her she’s making funny faces and trying not to laugh.
“What’s going on?”
“There’s a funny man at that table, mummy. He’s making me laugh”
My motherly instinct goes off, a stranger paying attention to my daughter. I turn around ready to give him a piece of my mind but when I see him I’m speechless.
“I can’t believe it! Is that really you?”
He stands up and walks towards me, leaving his guests wondering what is going on.
“EMILIA! Oh my God, what are you doing here?”
“You still remember my name, how sweet of you, come here and give me a hug”
My daughter is staring at me in disbelief. She has never seen me with a man that is not her father or her uncles.
“I cannot fucking believe it!”
She giggles, with her hands over her mouth. He looks at her trying to understand what he did wrong.
She nods her head inviting him to get closer, he bends by her and she whispers “You said the f word. We are not allowed to use bad words. I think you’re in big big trouble” and she looks at me.
“Silly me” and gives himself a smack in the back of his head than falls into his knees. I forgot how dramatic he can be “I have no manners! Please forgive me oh queen of the one and only Italian style! Have mercy on me, I’m just a poor Briton away from home! Pleeeaaaasssseeeee” and with a hand pulls my daughter closer so she can join him in this gig of his.
Now they are both in from of me “Pleaaaassssseeeee! Forginvenesssssssss!”
“That’s enough, the two of you, back to your chairs or no ice-cream!”
“Mummy please can we forgive him?”
“I guess we can”
“I feel better already, thank you little lady for your help. So, can I join you?”
“Please. I can’t believe it, it has been so long”
“Too long.” It is just so hard to ignore the big wall standing between us “So what’s your name little princess?”
“Mummy he called me princess. He is funny”
“Yes he is, you have no idea how much”
“California, sarcasm is in the air!”
She calls back his attention “My name is Antigone, A-N-T-I-G-O-N-E”
He looks at me confused “and what did you do to your mummy to deserve such a peculiar name?”
“I like it!” she dissents.
“You have no idea what editing a new collection of Greek tragedies, 22 hours in labor and drugs can do to your brain. Ops! My bad, you know very well what drugs can do to your brain, apparently you’re also a very slow learner”
“Ouch! That hurts! I haven’t seen you in more than a decade and that’s how you treat me?”
“Right, a very long time indeed”, the wall is crumbling down, I lower my voice “not a phone call, a postcard, a letter. Nothing. Do you have any idea what it was to go back and not finding you there? I was worried sick about you”
“I don’t recall hearing from you either”
“What was I supposed to do? I was behind the enemy lines. Do you think I should have called your new agent and tell him ‘hello, I’m the invisible girlfriend of a member of the band who kicked your client out. Could I have a word with him?”
“They didn’t kick me out”
“Yes I know, the boys knew your were fucked so they showed you the door”
“You listen to my music”
“Hard not too.”
“Mummy, I can still sort of hear you”
“I do apologize, that was extremely rude. I would like you to meet my friend Robert”
“Since when you call me Robert”
“Since forever” and I give him my death look.
“Right! So little princess, let’s say I have a life to live and I don’t want to waist my time on your long and bizarre name. What should I call you?”
“My name is not bizarre! Antigone was the daughter of Oedipus and Jocasta. They both died. I also have my own tragedy. I got killed by a Greek king!”
“I’m scared now; she is your daughter, no doubt about that”
“Anyway, I can spell it, want to hear it?”“Make my day” he knows there is no way out. So she does it.
“I’m sorry Robert; Jason thought it was funny to teach her, so she now spells almost everything, driving me crazy.”
“That’s fine, you are very clever little girl. Can your father spell your name?”
She covers her mouth again, giggling “My daddy can do anything he wants! He is the best dad in the whole wide world. Do you know him?”
I place my hand over his “No he doesn’t.”
He looks at me confused but decides to play along.
“Robert works with me, in the New York office”
“Yes I do, very much. But let me rephrase it, what should I call you?”
“My mummy calls me Antigone, my daddy Nene and Uncle Mark calls me Umpa Lumpa. I like Uncle Mark, he is funny.”
Robbie chuckles, I bet his mind is going back to happier times.
“Mark is a funny little man” I add.