The telephone rings and my hand manage to emerge from the duvet and move over the floor trying to find it, there is no way I am leaving my bed.
There it is. “This is better to be important” I mumble.
“Cecilia, oh God, I’m so glad you’re home” a voice with a strong Mancunian accent say.
“I bet you are, just wan the award for luckiest girl alive”
“Cecilia I don’t know how ...”
“Cut the crap right now. Glenn is that you? Why do I even bother to ask? I know it is you and I am really tired of you, your brother and your Dumb and Dumber gigs. Would you please tell him to drop dead? I don’t wanna hear from him or you ever again. There you are, the entire Donald family is banned from my kingdom.”
I hung up the phone trying to go back to sleep but it rings again.
“Fuck!” I pick it up and burst out “it’s official, I am pissed and I will personally kill you and dispose of your bodies, what part of the ‘let me alone’ speech you didn’t get?” I manage to get a glimpse of my alarm clock “you must be fucking out of your mind, I’m getting up in 4 hours and there’s no way I’m going back to sleep now”.
“Cecilia let me explain, please…” his voice is strange “I’m at the Chelsea Hospital. We had an accident”.
“This is lame. You used to do better than that. Running out of ideas? Get yourself a life”.
“Howard’s dead”
“That’s just pathetic, you’re drunk aren’t you?”
“Please” and I can hear him sobbing. My blood freezes. The phone falls from my hand, I’m shivering. I wear a pair of jeans I find on the floor than my mind reacts *it’s a bloody joke, I’m gonna rush there and they will have a laugh. Knowing I still care. Oh boy, I’m gonna kick their sorry asses. I am*.
Run down the stairs, and open the door. I’m making a hell of a noise but I don’t care. I slam it behind me and start walking. I should have taken the car but it’s too late to go back now. I find myself out of breath, I don’t even know how long I have been running. I feel my lungs are about to explode and I hear a voice calling a name. Only it’s me calling Howard. What if it’s true?
I get to the ER entrance. Breathe and take a step forward, the place is empty. Two nurses are chatting in the corner, sipping their coffees. A couple of posters on the wall show happy people who successfully quitted smoking thanks to a new miracle drug. An old lady holding onto her plastic bag is asleep on a chair. *Bloody idiots*. I knew it. I should kick myself, still falling for their stupid tricks.
I need to call their mother and tell her she has two retarded sons.
I catch my breath, button up and turn towards the entrance. There I see it. A familiar figure leaning against the opposite wall, almost hidden by a column. My brain shuts off. My arms fall along my body. My feet slowly move toward him. He sees me and comes to me, shaking his head, sobbing.
*No, no, no* my brain is shouting, my face is numb, I just want to run away but I can’t.
He hugs me but I stand still, can’t move, don’t want to move.
“We were going back home. I told him not to drive. He was tired but you know him, no one can touch his precious car”
*what are talking about*
“He did not see the signal, did not see the truck in the middle of the street. We were going too fast. Couldn’t avoid it. There was blood everywhere but he was still breathing. He was trying to speak but his voice was just a whisper.”
*you stop right there* my brain is telling him *I don’t need to hear all that*.
“He said ‘I bet Cecilia is going to be so pissed. She really wanted the car’”
*Nonsense. I don’t want the bloody car, you know that, I did it only to hurt you. Divorce can be rough*.
“We were in there for the longest time waiting for the ambulance to arrive. I think he knew. He made me promise I would tell you he loves you, always have, you are the best thing ever happen to him, and he’s sorry.”
I put my fingers on his lips, I can’t take it, not now, not ever. I just want to see him.
He understands and takes me through a metal door. The room is empty and silent, a lamp casts a cold light outlining few instruments, all shut off, blood soaked bandages and empty boxes on the floor, they must have tried hard to save him. There’s a small bed in the middle, like an altar inside a church, with a body laying on it. It takes me a while to register it’s Howard’s. Tubes coming off his bare chest. He’s so pale, his hair all sticky and glued to his forehead.
I don’t stop looking at him for a second, but I manage to push Glenn out of the room and lock the door behind him.
I get closer to my husband. He is still my husband, he will always be now. My hand moves slowly towards his cheek. It’s still warm. I place my face between his neck and his ear, I smell him. He’s still here, I can fell him. I climb on the small bed and lay by him. I hug him, if I hold him tight enough he won’t be able to go. He’ll stay with me. I caress his face and look into his closed eyes. If I could only see them one more time, only one more time.
*Howard, Howard wake up* and I don’t stop caressing his hair. *I’m here honey, I’m not going anywhere. I’m sorry too. The thing I said, not true. I didn’t mean them. I only wanted to hurt you. Please open your eyes. It is going to be alright. I promise*.
I don’t know how long I’ve been there but at a certain moment I understand there are people around us, a doctor, Glenn, Mark, Emma, Dawn and Gary. Their mouths are moving but I shut the rest of the world off. It’s just me and Howard. I don’t need anybody else.
Gary’s touching me now. He’s trying to pull me away from Haward. Why would he do it? I’m holding out. I’m strong. From his expression I can tell his shouting at me but no sound can get through me. Shutting all of them off, pain included.
Gary grabs my shoulders, he knows I can’t hear him so he slaps me.
Volume’s back on now.
“Cecilia answer me! Where’s Sarah? Where is she?”
*No! Go away! I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna feel.*
“Look at me! Damn it! Where’s Sarah? The house is locked. We can’t get in. We need your keys!”
*Sarah…. Oh my God. Sarah. My baby girl. Oh god. She’s home alone. What if I woke her up when I left. Oh god she’s only 3. She must be scared. I forgot about her. I forgot about her. I forgot about my own daughter, mine and Howard’s.*
Move my hand to my pocket. They’re there. Gary grabs them and tosses them to Mark who’s already moving towards the exit.
“I am sorry but you need to come with me now. Howard’s parents are on their way. We need to have him cleaned up.”
*Not talking, not moving, who do you think you are to tell me what to do with my husband?*
He hugs me now, and he cries, everyone cries but me. He has me sitting up on the bed. My left hand still on Howard’s chest. So cold now. My clothes are soaked with his blood. My feet almost touch the floor. He takes my hand like I’m a little girl, gently has me standing and leads me towards the door. Jason is standing in the corridor. Can’t come in. I don’t want to look at him. Don’t want to see anybody who is still alive while Howard’s dead. It’s not fair.
“I am taking you home now. You need to change. There is nothing we can do here” Gary has a very convincing tone but I don’t care. Nothing is important anymore.
He takes me along the corridor and I manage to turn around one more time before the doors close and I get final glimpse of my husband. He’s sleeping, he’s only sleeping, I’m sleeping, this is nothing but a dream.
*Good night sweet prince*
There it is. “This is better to be important” I mumble.
“Cecilia, oh God, I’m so glad you’re home” a voice with a strong Mancunian accent say.
“I bet you are, just wan the award for luckiest girl alive”
“Cecilia I don’t know how ...”
“Cut the crap right now. Glenn is that you? Why do I even bother to ask? I know it is you and I am really tired of you, your brother and your Dumb and Dumber gigs. Would you please tell him to drop dead? I don’t wanna hear from him or you ever again. There you are, the entire Donald family is banned from my kingdom.”
I hung up the phone trying to go back to sleep but it rings again.
“Fuck!” I pick it up and burst out “it’s official, I am pissed and I will personally kill you and dispose of your bodies, what part of the ‘let me alone’ speech you didn’t get?” I manage to get a glimpse of my alarm clock “you must be fucking out of your mind, I’m getting up in 4 hours and there’s no way I’m going back to sleep now”.
“Cecilia let me explain, please…” his voice is strange “I’m at the Chelsea Hospital. We had an accident”.
“This is lame. You used to do better than that. Running out of ideas? Get yourself a life”.
“Howard’s dead”
“That’s just pathetic, you’re drunk aren’t you?”
“Please” and I can hear him sobbing. My blood freezes. The phone falls from my hand, I’m shivering. I wear a pair of jeans I find on the floor than my mind reacts *it’s a bloody joke, I’m gonna rush there and they will have a laugh. Knowing I still care. Oh boy, I’m gonna kick their sorry asses. I am*.
Run down the stairs, and open the door. I’m making a hell of a noise but I don’t care. I slam it behind me and start walking. I should have taken the car but it’s too late to go back now. I find myself out of breath, I don’t even know how long I have been running. I feel my lungs are about to explode and I hear a voice calling a name. Only it’s me calling Howard. What if it’s true?
I get to the ER entrance. Breathe and take a step forward, the place is empty. Two nurses are chatting in the corner, sipping their coffees. A couple of posters on the wall show happy people who successfully quitted smoking thanks to a new miracle drug. An old lady holding onto her plastic bag is asleep on a chair. *Bloody idiots*. I knew it. I should kick myself, still falling for their stupid tricks.
I need to call their mother and tell her she has two retarded sons.
I catch my breath, button up and turn towards the entrance. There I see it. A familiar figure leaning against the opposite wall, almost hidden by a column. My brain shuts off. My arms fall along my body. My feet slowly move toward him. He sees me and comes to me, shaking his head, sobbing.
*No, no, no* my brain is shouting, my face is numb, I just want to run away but I can’t.
He hugs me but I stand still, can’t move, don’t want to move.
“We were going back home. I told him not to drive. He was tired but you know him, no one can touch his precious car”
*what are talking about*
“He did not see the signal, did not see the truck in the middle of the street. We were going too fast. Couldn’t avoid it. There was blood everywhere but he was still breathing. He was trying to speak but his voice was just a whisper.”
*you stop right there* my brain is telling him *I don’t need to hear all that*.
“He said ‘I bet Cecilia is going to be so pissed. She really wanted the car’”
*Nonsense. I don’t want the bloody car, you know that, I did it only to hurt you. Divorce can be rough*.
“We were in there for the longest time waiting for the ambulance to arrive. I think he knew. He made me promise I would tell you he loves you, always have, you are the best thing ever happen to him, and he’s sorry.”
I put my fingers on his lips, I can’t take it, not now, not ever. I just want to see him.
He understands and takes me through a metal door. The room is empty and silent, a lamp casts a cold light outlining few instruments, all shut off, blood soaked bandages and empty boxes on the floor, they must have tried hard to save him. There’s a small bed in the middle, like an altar inside a church, with a body laying on it. It takes me a while to register it’s Howard’s. Tubes coming off his bare chest. He’s so pale, his hair all sticky and glued to his forehead.
I don’t stop looking at him for a second, but I manage to push Glenn out of the room and lock the door behind him.
I get closer to my husband. He is still my husband, he will always be now. My hand moves slowly towards his cheek. It’s still warm. I place my face between his neck and his ear, I smell him. He’s still here, I can fell him. I climb on the small bed and lay by him. I hug him, if I hold him tight enough he won’t be able to go. He’ll stay with me. I caress his face and look into his closed eyes. If I could only see them one more time, only one more time.
*Howard, Howard wake up* and I don’t stop caressing his hair. *I’m here honey, I’m not going anywhere. I’m sorry too. The thing I said, not true. I didn’t mean them. I only wanted to hurt you. Please open your eyes. It is going to be alright. I promise*.
I don’t know how long I’ve been there but at a certain moment I understand there are people around us, a doctor, Glenn, Mark, Emma, Dawn and Gary. Their mouths are moving but I shut the rest of the world off. It’s just me and Howard. I don’t need anybody else.
Gary’s touching me now. He’s trying to pull me away from Haward. Why would he do it? I’m holding out. I’m strong. From his expression I can tell his shouting at me but no sound can get through me. Shutting all of them off, pain included.
Gary grabs my shoulders, he knows I can’t hear him so he slaps me.
Volume’s back on now.
“Cecilia answer me! Where’s Sarah? Where is she?”
*No! Go away! I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna feel.*
“Look at me! Damn it! Where’s Sarah? The house is locked. We can’t get in. We need your keys!”
*Sarah…. Oh my God. Sarah. My baby girl. Oh god. She’s home alone. What if I woke her up when I left. Oh god she’s only 3. She must be scared. I forgot about her. I forgot about her. I forgot about my own daughter, mine and Howard’s.*
Move my hand to my pocket. They’re there. Gary grabs them and tosses them to Mark who’s already moving towards the exit.
“I am sorry but you need to come with me now. Howard’s parents are on their way. We need to have him cleaned up.”
*Not talking, not moving, who do you think you are to tell me what to do with my husband?*
He hugs me now, and he cries, everyone cries but me. He has me sitting up on the bed. My left hand still on Howard’s chest. So cold now. My clothes are soaked with his blood. My feet almost touch the floor. He takes my hand like I’m a little girl, gently has me standing and leads me towards the door. Jason is standing in the corridor. Can’t come in. I don’t want to look at him. Don’t want to see anybody who is still alive while Howard’s dead. It’s not fair.
“I am taking you home now. You need to change. There is nothing we can do here” Gary has a very convincing tone but I don’t care. Nothing is important anymore.
He takes me along the corridor and I manage to turn around one more time before the doors close and I get final glimpse of my husband. He’s sleeping, he’s only sleeping, I’m sleeping, this is nothing but a dream.
*Good night sweet prince*
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