WITH OR WITHOUT YOU 10

Boston –- the harbor – the Boston tea party – Howard dressed up as King George III
“GASP!” I open my eyes, *don’t panic, just a dream, you’re OK*. I’m in my bed. Sweating. I check the time, it’s 3 a.m. Howard’s breathing regularly by my side. He could sleep through a revolution if he wanted to. Truth is I need to tell him. My guilt soaked conscience will never let me sleep unless I do.
I need to wake him up. “Honey,” I whisper “honey” he doesn’t even move “HONEY!” he grunts something but he’s still asleep. I move the duvet around, he just cuddles up some more. This is frustrating. The Boston tea party, desperate situations call for desperate measure. I turn on my side as well, I bend my right leg, aiming as his ass – yummy, I almost forgot about it, I must not give in to the temptation, no time for it now – and I kick him. I really do. Maybe too hard since he literally flies off the bed. He disappears before my eyes and I hear a “THUD”, *Houston I believe his body has landed*. After a couple of seconds I see two hands grabbing the sheets and I can see his face rising from behind the bed. “What the hell did just happen? Was I hit by a train or something?” he’s scratching his head now trying to figure out what went on.
“It was just a nightmare, but it’s over now”
“No I was fine … I think”, crawls back into the bed, covers himself with the duvet and he’s ready to fall asleep again.
*he gotta be kidding me* “Since you’re awake”
“I’m not”
“Yes you are”
“Believe me, I would know if I was”
“You’re talking to me”
“Not really, just a reflex”
“We need to talk”
“Now?” he grunts
“Yes, now”
“I give you 100 pounds if you let me sleep”
“It’s important”
“I’m tired. I got back 1 hour ago. Drove 6 hours just to be you my LOVE.”
“Ok then, sleep”………… silence ………………. “what if” …..
“Just shoot me! Alright! You win!” and he seats on the bed, with his back to the wall, arms crossed. “I’m waiting”
“You won’t like it”
“Are you a man?”
“No”
“That’s all I care about, the rest can wait till tomorrow morning”
“I’m glad we just got our priorities straight. I can’t help noticing you’re all over the news. The four of you are really back for good”
“Cheap humor at 3 in the morning? Are you trying to piss me off? Because believe me you are doing a hell of a job”
“I just care about your career”
“It’s fine. And Markie, Gaz and Jay are fine too. Would you like to call them and ask it yourself so we can be both screamed at?”
“Please?” I’m doing my puppy eyes now.
“Well, since Mark gave me few advices on how to deal with pregnant ladies - that would be you my dear - I guess it’s time for me to be gracious and accommodating” he is scratching his eyes “I wanted to wait until we are absolutely sure, but we are seriously thinking about writing a new album. It could really happen. I’m so excited”
I cuddle into his arms, “I’m so happy, everything is just falling into the right place”
“Like you care about Take That music.”
“I do, I love your songs”
“Liar”
“I’m not”
He crawls right on top of me, careful not to place his weight over our poor baby. “Really?”
“Yes” and I laugh
“Fine, name three of our songs, no cheating, no thinking about it, you have 3 seconds. Starting NOW!”
“Relight my fire”
“yep” and kisses my forehead.
……….. “Back for good”
“yep 2” and kisses the tip of my nose.
…………………..….. “Could it be magic”
“Ladies and gentlemen we have a winner” and kisses me, deep and sexy. “Can’t really wait for you to come and see us perform. You’ll be so proud! It’s a brilliant show, we even let Jay sing a song”.
“We should talk about that”
“Yes I know, we shouldn’t have let him do it, but he insisted so much and it’s the Beatles. So it is truly up to Lord McCartney whether to sue him or not”
“I’m serious” and I rest my forehead on his, locking his curls into my fingers.
“It cannot be that bad”
“I hope so.” I take a deep breath “I cannot come to the concerts. I’m catching a flight to Boston in 36 hours. I have a conference there. I’ll be back on Sunday”.
“Funny. I’m so tired I think I heard you saying you’re missing the concerts”
“I’m sorry”
He takes my wrists in his hands and pushes me away from him. His eyes are cold, which are the international sign for ‘I’m really mad now’. “You should fucking be. Why are you doing this to me?”
“I’m not doing it to you. I have to go” trying to get closer, he moves away.
“You going to Boston is not even at option. You are coming to the concerts. You behave like a woman supporting her man for a change. We will live happily ever after. End of discussion. Let’s sleep”.
“You are blowing this thing way out of proportion. It’s not the end of the world”
“Meaning what I do doesn’t mean a shit to you, never did never will”
“Again, this is not against you.”
“I beg to differ MY DEAR”
“Don’t be dramatic. It’s not like you’re a brain surgeon. No lives depend on you. It’s dance routines and songs”. Shit I cannot believe I just said that. Big mistake. I went too far. No going back now. The die is cast.
“FINALLY! I’m glad you said it LOVE! It took you almost a year but you finally admitted.” He left the bed and he’s standing right in front of me now. Hands on his hips. “You are ashamed of me, of what I do. I’m not up to your standards! What is it? My vocabulary is too basic? My manners are not proper enough? The fact I sing pop-songs embarrasses you? Well you knew the content of the package right from the start. I’m sorry I’m not one of your bloody book worms. Sure thing my humble job pays for your expenses and you don’t seem to mind considering the amount of pages your monthly credit card bill is!”
We’re both in no man’s land now. We’re aiming right at the heart taking no prisoners.
“Don’t you dare! I’ve been supporting myself all my life and I was doing just fine before I met you! Want your staff back? That’s fine by me”. I rip my necklace and throw it across the room. I can see my star fish flying over his head. He stares at me in disbelief. There’s no stopping him now.
“Do you think I actually care?” he picks it up from the floor and looks at it, like he sees it for the first time. Then turn towards me, no emotion in his voice “It wasn’t even meant for you. I bought it for Diamond but we broke up and I just decided to give it to you. I’m glad you liked anyway!”
“You bastard! I hate you! You hear me? I hate you! I don’t want to see you anymore. Or speak to you! You make me sick!”
I turn my back at him. My heart aches, can’t cry now, not in front of him. Grab a bag and toss some of my stuff in there. I’m heading to the door now. I realize I’m still in my PJ, so I go back to the wardrobe and wear a coat on top of it. I must be a pretty pathetic sight.
I walk down the stairs, slowly. *call me, call my name, Howard just say my name and I will beg for forgiveness*. I can hear him panting right behind me. Nothing happens. No sound whatsoever. I get to the door and grab my keys.
“Leave them right there. You are not coming back”
“Fuck you”
“And wherever you are going, you’re not taking my car”
I turn around and I face him “I don’t want your bloody Porsche. I hope you crash it against a damn wall, and make sure you’re inside it!”
And I slam the door behind me. Start walking down the street. Can’t think. Can’t feel a think. This is major bad.
After ten minutes I can hear a car following me. Its window open “get in the car” he says, no sympathy in his voice, I keep walking, holding onto my bag. “Get in the car, now, it’s cold”. Can’t do this now. “Don’t you worry, I don’t care about you. It’s my son you are having I won’t put him in danger. Now get into the bloody car and I drive you wherever you want”. This is it. He turned me into a bloody incubator. I blew it. I’m about to open the door when I see a taxi coming my way. “It’s your lucky day” I say “you won’t have to put up with me any longer”. I call it and get in, leaving him there in the street.
We get in front of a huge townhouse at Holland Park. I ring the bell and after few minutes Henry opens the door. Looks at me, head to toe “Should I assume you’re coming to Boston?”