WITH OR WITHOUT YOU 16

I look around, the lobby is virtually deserted, and so is the bar. There are two Japanese businessmen asking the concierge for a good restaurant. Why would they want to eat Italian food in Paris is beyond me though. While I patiently wait for my turn, I look around me. No friendly faces around. Jay-Jay is heavy; I should have brought the pram along. I put the blue bag on the floor. Maybe I should just call Howard so he can come down and meet me. My brain has a life of its own since it keeps singing
* I love Paris in the springtime, I love Paris in the fall *
I am about to use my best French to impress the concierge when I see big Jason coming in my direction. He is alone, lost in his thoughts. I would love to know what he thinks about all the time. I take a step forward and I’m standing almost in front of him with a big smile on my face. It takes him a couple of seconds to realize it’s me. He looks confused “Oh, hi. I’m sorry. You took me by surprise. You aren’t supposed to be here. You had a meeting in London.” He looks around him, like he’s searching for someone “I was with Doug when he called you. You said you couldn’t make it.” His expression is not good. *No, it cannot be happening to me*
But he rapidly changes his tone and tries to smile. “It’s so good to see you! Doug will be thrilled! We’re going out for dinner. You are going to love the restaurant we chose! Did you know there are 452 official kinds of cheese in this country, isn't that amazing? We could taste them all!”
I feel relieved and I do love cheese.
Then he takes his mobile out of his pocket, a little too fast, and he his about to dial, when it strikes me. No fucking way!
“Jason, give me your phone – NOW!”
“Mon, there’s no need to..”
“NOW!” I raise my voice again and my son moves, opens his eyes, looks at me and goes back to sleep.
He looks at me puzzled. He must think I’m possessed so he hands me his mobile. I then turn to a very puzzled concierge, I get closer to his expensive and antique desk and I grab him by his tie pulling him closer to me. By the look in his eyes I can tell he knows I’m serious.
“Now you give me the keycard to Mr. Donald’s room.” He stretches his arm and after few attempts reaches it. He places the key on the desk, right in front of me. “Good. Now you listen to me very carefully. If you simply think about picking up that fucking phone” - and I look to his right – “to tell him I’m going up, I will make sure to have your sorry arse fired. And being unemployed will be the least of your problems. Believe me. Have I made myself fully understood?”
He nods.
“So what you must not do?”
“Pick up the ph..one” he has trouble breathing, I’m probably holding him too tight “and call… room …757”.
“Good boy.”
I grab the key and head to the elevator. Before the doors close I can hear him saying to Jason “Hell hat no fury...”
*Fantastic, even the French concierge thinks I’m pathetic*
Seventh floor. 757. The door to his bedroom is right in front of me. If I decide to go through with this it could be the end to my beautiful world. Or maybe it’s just my sick imagination. Jay-Jay locks his little finger to my hair. He’s still asleep. I hold my breath and insert the cardkey. The door opens - no sound. I step inside. The room is dark, with the exception of the dim light coming from the Eiffel tower framed by a large window in front of me. The room seems empty. Then it strikes me. A sound, so sharp it’s like a knife blade cutting me open. The sound of two bodies, bodies, not just one but two, moving one against the other and moans, and grunts. My eyes search for the source of that noise. In the dark I can only see shadows but I could tell Howard’s body among a thousand others. She is facing the wall. Her face covered by long curly hair. Her hands up. He is standing behind her. They can’t see me, or hear me. I’m dumb. *God please let Jason sleep*.
I gently place my hand over my son’s eyes, I cannot risk him seeing his father like that. I slowly move backwards. One step at the time. Careful. Like I’m walking on quicksand. The door is still open. I leave unnoticed.

The doors of the elevator open and Jason is right there in front of me. He looks guilty and worried. I jump at him hitting him with the only arm I can use.
“You knew and you didn’t tell me? How could you do that to me? You were my friend!”
“I am. I still am. You need to calm down. Give Jay-Jay to me, you must be tired. Let’s go to the bar and talk about it. I’m sure we can…”
“Don’t you dare touching me or my son! I named him after you! I trusted you. I deserve better than this! Fottiti! Fuck you Jason!”
I need to catch my breath. Jay-Jay is waking up but I cannot stop. I’m furious and humiliated.
“I’m so sorry but I couldn’t betray Doug, he’s like a brother to me. What you saw means nothing to him. Casual sex means nothing to him. You must know it. He loves you”.
“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare telling me what I should feel! You betrayed me! What am I? Dirt?” I need to close my eyes a second to find the words. “Does everyone know?” I ask him and then I smack my forehead. My self-esteem is rock-bottom. “Of course they do, you sick bastards! One for all and all for one! Who are you people? Is that what you were laughing about at Gary’s party? Your little private joke! Poor dumb Monica not knowing? Thinking what she had was actually real?”“No, please, let me explain …we would never ever laugh at you … this has nothing to do with you…”
“Explain? What I saw was pretty graphic believe me! And since the one shagging the slut upstairs IS the father of my children IT has to do with me! I’m out of here now and don’t you dare following me! Do you understand?”
Jay-Jay is crying now, he doesn’t know what is going on and neither do I.
Jason is speechless; he has never seen me like that. I grab my son’s bag and before I step out from the lobby I turn around “I almost forgot” and I smash his mobile against the wall.