WITH OR WITHOUT YOU 17

I’m standing in the middle of the street. Not my idea of a night out in Paris. *Now what? What am I supposed to do? Find a hotel, check in. I need to think*
I walk for a couple of blocks when I decide I need to stop and rest a little. I don’t want to think about Howard shagging another woman. I need to focus on one thing at the time. There’s a small hotel right on the other side of the street. I’ll give it a try, I need to sleep. I’m so, so tired. They have vacancies. *It’s my lucky day, yippee!*
I lock the door of the room behind me. I wish I could lock my pain out so easily. I gently place Jay-Jay on the double bed. He’s calm now. Lucky him, he has no idea of the magnitude of what just hit us.
I take off my shoes and I stretch out by him. I need to hear a friendly voice. Someone who has nothing to do with this mess.
The phone seems to ring forever when a very sleepy voice answers.
“Hello?”
“Henry, it’s me”
“What? Is Jason sick? What time is it?”
“No, it’s not Jason, it’s Howard”
“Did he have an accident? What happened? Where are you?”“Somewhere in Paris. I don’t really know.”
“Paris? What the hell are you doing in Paris at 1 in the morning? Are you drunk?”
“I don’t have time for this now. I’m not drunk. I’m pregnant, alone, betrayed and desperate. And not necessarily in that order”
“That microcephalous! I am so sorry. Shit! … Listen to me now, don’t you worry about a thing. Give me the time to make a few phone calls and get you on the next flight back home. I want you to breathe and try to relax.”
I sigh.
“You said you’re pregnant? Again? Have you ever heard about the all family planning idea? It does work you know.”
“I wish I had, believe me. The thought of having another of his children gives me the creeps right now”.
“Don’t say things you will regret tomorrow”
“It’s already tomorrow and the only thing I regret was falling for that pathetic excuse for a human being. Why didn’t I see it coming?”
“Because love is blindness. First things first, let me get you home now.”
“I’ll give you the hotel number. My mobile is off.”
“It is going to be alright.”
“No it is not, but thanks for trying”.

In the meantime at the Ritz. (please try to image Little Britain's voice over)

“Are you retarded? You must be! There’s no other explanation! You should have stopped her. Or called me. Forgodsake! Dialing a room number is a basic action even you can do!” Howard is screaming, even though screaming does not really describe his tone.
“Don’t you yell at me! Don’t you even think about blaming me for your mistakes! I told you a million times to cut the crap. It couldn’t last forever.
But no! The gladiator cannot keep his penis in his damn pants. What was I supposed to do? Tackle her down? Chain her to the table? I tried to stop her and talk some sense into her but she was furious. And frankly, she had any reason to be!”
“Are you taking sides now? Shit! Her fucking mobile is off. Where can she be? How far can you go with a baby? What if she does something stupid?”
“Like trusting you, you mean?”
“You’re fucking pushing it! Damn it!” he hits the wall with his fist. “Fuck, that hurts!” he’s now jumping all over the room “I’m sorry Jay, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I need to find her. Maybe I should just go to the airport and wait for her there”.
“I just don’t understand why she yelled at me before and you are yelling at me now. I did nothing but trying to be a friend”.
Mark gets off the phone “there are no flights until 6 a.m. And we would have to head to the TV station by then. Sorry mate, I guess there’s nothing you can do at the moment. Emma hasn’t heard from her either. But now she knows and thanks to you she’s mad at me. I might need a place to stay for the next few nights. We could all move in with Jason”.
“The two of you, what do you think you’re doing? You call what you have an adult relationship? How could you lie to them? Aren’t you supposed to love and care for them?”
“Here comes the expert! I see no lady by you, or children! You have no idea what it means to be in a relationship. So shut the fuck up” Howard is really mad.
“I don’t think you are in the position to teach me how to treat a woman! She’s pregnant you idiot! And she saw you shagging someone else. You blew it!” Jason is loosing control. They are face to face now.
Gary enters the room just in time to step in between Jason and Howard. “What’s going on here? Are the two of you high? I leave for an hour and you’re at each other’s throat? What’s going on?”
Markie gets close to him “Monica wanted to surprise Howard”.
Gary looks confused so Mark feels compelled to put in plain words “The shit hit the fan my friend”.
“Fuck, need to call Dawn before she hears it from someone else”.
“It might be too late, Emma was going to talk to her few minutes ago”.
“Shit, shit, shit! She’s going to feed my balls to the damn cat”.
Howard crushes on the sofa. Holding his head. He looks like one of the characters in a Hollywood B movie, when everyone but him knows the killer is hiding behind the curtains. “She knows it means nothing. Don’t you agree? It’s just sex, extremely casual sex. I don’t even remember her name. I know we can work it out. We have two children. She knows me. Maybe waiting and going back to London as scheduled is a good thing. She would have time to think it through and calm down. When I get home we can talk about what happened. That’s what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna make a reservation at that hotel in the Lake District my sister told me about. We can spend few days there and everything is going to be fine”.
The other three look at each other not really knowing what to say.
“Come on! I need to know what you think!” Howard begs.
- “I wouldn’t count on it mate”
- “You’re delusional”
- “You definitely need a place to live”.
“No, you don’t know her, she needs time on her own and I will give it to her. I’ll get home as planned. We are going to be fine. The end”.

I manage to fall asleep for an hour when the telephone rings. I open my eyes and it takes me few moments to realize I’m not home. What happened strikes me again, I feel like throwing up. It’s not just a feeling; I need to run to the loo fast so I don’t make a mess.
The phone keeps ringing and wakes Jason up who starts crying. Now it is official, my life sucks.
I cuddle Jay-Jay while I pick up the phone.
“What’s wrong? It took you forever to answer”
“Was busy throwing up and now Jason is awake and I think I’m just going to jump off the damn window, the perfect end to a perfect day in Paris”
“Do not even think about that”
“I would never kill myself. Too tired even to think about it. I might kill Howard though, that is way more appealing at the moment. I even apologized to him for being unreasonable. Me! I want him impaled in the middle of Trafalgar Square, right by Nelson!”
“That would be too Italian style. I would go for something subtle if I were you, like selling the story to the tabloids and let the public opinion impale him. Kiss and tell, that’s how we like it here. In the meantime I want you to get your stuff and go down the lobby. There is a car waiting for you outside. It is going to take you to a small airport near Versailles. From there a private plane will fly you home. I’ll be there waiting for you. As I said everything is going to be alright”
“A private plane? I didn’t know education paid that well”
“It doesn’t. That would be my trust fund. Something to do with steel. My grandfather made some fairly lucrative investments and I was his only grandson. I have this investment banker in the City who takes care of everything. Know nothing about it. It’s like having your own genie in a bottle. Grants my wishes and disappears”
“You’re filthy rich? I want your life. Or a loan. Do you know what a fair price is in the market for a cold blooded killer?”
“It is the next thing in my agenda”
“Could you do me one more favor?”
“Of course”.

There’s a man standing in front of my house. Henry pulls over, go talk to him and comes back “He’s the locksmith. He changed all the locks to you house”.
“Garage included?”
“Garage included, here are the new keys and the new remote to control that door too”
“How did you manage to have him coming at 6 in the morning?”
“I believe it’s called mammoth tip”
“I’ll repay you, I swear, I just need to be sure Howard can get in only if I want him to.” I hear my own words and I have to add “Aren’t you proud of me? I can write science fiction now!”
“There’s no need to think about it now. Are you sure you don’t want me to come in? I could wait with you, just in case”.
“I won’t let him hurt me again. Believe me!”
“I’m not worried about you, I’m worried about him.”
I smile, I can still do it. “I don’t know how to thank you. But I need to put Jason to bed and I need some rest too. Besides, I don’t think he’ll be back before lunchtime.”
“Just call me if you need anything. Understood?”
“Yes daddy!”
I open the door to my empty house. Only 24 hours ago it was our home, now I don’t really know. I take Jason to his room and place him in his bed. I hope he can sleep a little more so I can have some time to collect my thoughts.
I go to the kitchen and I lean against the wall. I can see the two of us, only a week ago, doing a little dance routine and lip-singing “Don’t go breaking my heart” blasting from the radio. I remember arguing with him because I had to play Elton John since he was in his ‘Kiki Dee mood’. Call it poetic justice if you wish.
What do I have to do next? Is there a break-up self-help manual I can read?
The red-light on the answering machine is flashing I press play.
*you have 22 new messages, your voice-mail inbox is full*
I am leaning on the counter, watching the little device as it could reveal me some lifesaving secrets and I press play again
“Honey it’s m” DELETE
“It’s not what it” DELETE
“I love” DELETE
“Please answer” DELETE
“I’m worr” DELETE
“Your mobil” DELETE
*are you sure you want to delete all your messages?*
“Hell I do babe!”
DELETE.
The monitor comes to life to tell me my son is awake now. I feed him and place him in his playpen. “Mummy needs to do some cleaning now, babe. Wanna help me?”
He nods. I caress his head, I can choose to be strong enough and live through this.
I feel better already. What I need is a good song to put me in the mood.
Scroll down the music my ipod and there it is, my girl.

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're backfrom outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now'
cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumbleyou think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive

Jason is dancing while I’m turning into bloody Peter Parker in Spider Man 3, ready to give in to my dark side!
“Well Jason Filippo Donald, today’s drill is ‘make the cheating bastard suffer’”.
“Stard” he repeats after me.
“A new word! And the right one indeed! Where should we start? Clothing, good thinking Jay-Jay, you are a smart boy!”
I open the wardrobe and grab all of Howard’s shirts. I go to the window and open it. “Jason, look! Mummy can do magic! BIBBIDI-BORRIDI-BOO!” And ‘swoooosshhshshhshsh” a very colorful rain of shirts ends up in our front garden. Followed by his pants, underwear, sweaters, coats, scarves and everything else I can find.
“Mummy was forgetting about the cheating bastard’s shoes. That would not be good, wouldn’t it?”
I’m amazed on how far shoes can actually fly. I try to hit the tree in front of the house but I’m not strong enough. Still, this is sort of fun.
Jason is clapping his hands. I wonder what he must feel. The thing is we are both becoming hyper.

The bedroom is a complete mess. I need to take a rest, I’m panting heavy, sitting on the floor by my bed. There’s no way I’m stopping now. Get back up and an evil thought cross my mind.

“In order to comply with the above mentioned plan of ‘making the cheating bastard’ suffer we need to take away from him what he loves most. Since you are for obvious reasons out of the picture, what is the cheating bastard’s second best passion?”
Jason looks at me and points to my right. I know he cannot actually understand what I am talking about but he’s looking at the door to our study.
“You are a genius! Yes you are! Little mama’s boy”
I drag the playpen to the study and I look around. It is like the mother ship calling me home. His IBook, the one he uses to compose and save his so called music. “Jason, they say Apple computers never, ever crush. Should we check if that is true even if you throw them out of a second floor window?” I unplug it and there it goes off the window. It smashes against the ground, pieces of very expensive equipment everywhere. “Lesson number one baby boy, never believe what you read!” I scan the room. The fucking teddy bear. I rip its arms and legs before it joins the Mac outside. I’m so not done yet. I spot his CDs, his precious, beloved, worshipped, house music CDs.
I go down to the kitchen and get a large, black garbage bag. I bring it upstairs and manage to throw the hundreds of CDs inside it.
“Mommy needs to go to the garage for a little while baby. I need you to behave, alright? You have all your toys and books. Here’s your bottle and a candy too. I have the monitor with me, if you see the enemy approaching, just yell and I’ll be right back up!”
He’s already too mesmerized by the candy I gave him to pay attention to the crazy lady who used to be his mother.
The bag is really heavy, so I decide to close it with a tight knot and push it down the stairs. Boy that was loud!
I manage to drag it into the garage and I see it. Standing there like a bloody deity waiting to be worshipped. His Porsche. I’m like a missile aiming to an enemy site. Never thought I could feel such hatred for another human being. I put all the CDs in the trunk and take the baseball bat the cheating bastard bought during his first trip to the US. I start hitting them with all my strength pretending they are the cheating bastard’s precious and over-dynamic genitals.
I feel dizzy. I need to stop. *Boy, that was cathartic!*
I need to go check on Jason. I run back upstairs and he’s still playing. “Mummy’s almost done little angel. Do you remember where we put the spray-paint? No? I’ll go look then!”
I’m frantic and I know it’s not good for the baby I’m expecting but it’s ‘me’ time now.
“Bingo! I found it Jason!” I scream, like he cares. I go back to the garage and look at the Porsche with an evil grin. *The cheating bastard is going to be extremely pissed*.
And I start writing, in capital letters, CHEATING on one side and BASTARD on the other. I’m about to go back into the house when I have a second though and I add ON BOARD over the trunk. *There you go! I guess I set the record straight!*
All of the sudden it hits me, the spasm. I need to sit down. Than another one. I rub my belly and I whisper “I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you, mummy’s calm now. Everything is going to be fine. It’s over now. No need to be scared”.
I stand up very slowly and walk to the kitchen. I find the vitamins I used to take during my first pregnancy and I swallow a couple of them. “See? I’m gonna take god care of you. It’s fine now”. And my mind is all taken by baby thoughts, names, little fingers, little smiles. It’s going to be three of us and we are going to be fine. But the motherly atmosphere is ruined by someone yelling my name from the outside. The ‘someone’ being the cheating bastard of course.
“show time!”