*It’s over right?* I hear no sounds coming from the outside. I take Jason in the kitchen and place him in his chair.
“We’re not going to the park today. We’re staying in and find something fun to do at home” easier said than done.
I look around me and Howard is still here. Everywhere I turn I see him. The fruit in the bowl – I can hear his voice saying ‘apples in the bottom, bananas on top, that’s how God intended them, you don’t need a degree, which you have, to get a concept as simple as that’ – the pillow on the sofa ‘has to go on the right but not too on the right. Here’s just perfect, under my arm so I can be all comfy and cuddle you properly’ – and our pictures, and his smell.
I should eat something. I open the fridge and I stick my head inside it. There are organic vegetables, organic milk, organic eggs, organic cheese – greetings from Jasonland - and right behind the organic lettuce the Belgian Chocolate ice-cream is hiding. I take it out and I see a post-it Howard put on top of it ‘remember what we said about eating for two?’
“I hate you! Get out of my life! Drop Dead!” and I throw the ice-cream away.
I don’t want to ear, see, read or smell. The back garden. That is a safe place. Howard is not so outdoorsy. I’m improving, I’m thinking about not thinking about him.
I hear a car pulling over in front of the house. I get closer to the window and move the curtain so I can see without being seen. *look at me, few hours alone and I’m Mrs. Fairfax already*. It’s Jason and Glenn. They’re taking the bits and pieces of Howard’s stuff and place them into the trunk of Jay’s SUV. I see him getting closer to the door, he almost rings the bell, stops, he’s probably having a second though. As a matter of fact he turns around and goes back to the car.
My mobile rings, it’s Emma, I answer “Hello stranger”
“I’m thinking about coming over and spend the night. We could have a pajama party. Elmwood and I are all alone. Got into a fight with Mark. He’s at Jason’s too, he must have a full house tonight”
“Thanks but we’re fine. Jason is asleep right by me while I’m watching ‘Steel Magnolias’. Ready to cry at the funeral scene”
“As always”
“I’m all for tradition, you know”
“Have you had any dinner?”
“Yep, some pickles and cereals”
“No wonder you throw up”
“The good news is I’m over him”
“You cannot be over him, it is not possible”
“Of course it is. It is all about will power. I’m totally, utterly and completely over him”
‘No you’re not”
“Wanna bet?”
“Are you sleeping on his side of the bed?”
I look around me “maybe but…”
“Did you smell his pillow?”
“Well, it’s not like I…”
“Can you hear his voice in your head?”
“Most definitely”
“Let me tell you. You are not over him”
“I know. And talking about him is not helping. I think I am going to cry myself to sleep now”
“Talk to you tomorrow”
“Night”
I wake up with Jason’s feet in my mouth. One of the two had a hard night. I guess it was me since I’m almost out of the bed. It’s 8 o’clock. Jason feels I’m stretching and opens his eyes. He’s smiling at me. “Morning Attila, how did you like sleeping in the big bed with mummy?” He hugs me in reply. “Hungry eh? Milk is on the way”.
I sit him in his chair and I give him his bottle. “I throw up and be right back”. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror; my complexion is an interesting yet disturbing shade of green. “I am supposed to glow, this doesn’t look like glowing to me.” I wash my face with cold water. I open the window to let some fresh air in when someone calls me “Dear? Is everything alright?” That was most definitely a real voice, no imagining thing. That was real, a female voice. It would be fine if I wasn’t alone in the house. “Over here darling”. *Panic button, panic button, where is it when you need it?* “I’m behind the fence, Mrs. Fairfax here”. *God, just take me now. I cannot be engaged in a conversation with her, not now, or ever* close my eyes and wait for the blow, nothing. I’m still here, alive and kicking. “Morning Mrs. Fairfax. I’m sorry but I’m in a hurry. Jason’s crying”
“I’m so sorry darling”
I freeze. *Maybe I didn’t catch it, I thought they had a party to celebrate the end of the mad couple disease*
“I didn’t catch that, can you repeat please?”
“I couldn’t help but noticing the little commotion yesterday”
*British understatement, so fascinating*
“I’m sorry for the noise. It won’t happen again”
“So I heard”
*The old bitch strikes again*
“but there is something you should know”
I stick my head out of the window so I can actually see her. She looks sincerely worried. Maybe I woke up in a parallel universe where she is a decent person and Howard is impotent.
“He spent the night at your doorstep. Never left for a moment. His friends tried to convince him to go with them but he refused. He’s still out there”
“Thank you for …. erm … the information” I mumble, maybe she’s the one doing drugs. There’s no chance Howard spent the night out there. It’s not his style.
I rush to the living room window and open the curtain a little. *Shit* I can see his feet. He’s sitting on the doorstep. *what do I do? What do I do? What do I do?*
“Mama, mama”
Bless you baby. “Yogurt time! Feed Jason, that’s what I need to do”
I can’t stop thinking about Howard’s feet. I’m pathetic beyond reason.
I need to keep myself busy. The bathroom needs a good scrub. Here I am, a bloody Stepford wife when my mobile rings “Hi Emma, I’m drowning my sorrow in a gigantic amount of soap. Have you heard from Mark yet?”
“You do realize Howard is right at your doorstep, don’t you?”
“So I was told. I’m freaking out, I can’t see him now, or talk to him for what that matters. I’m under siege but I’m not going down without putting up a fight. Where are you?”
“In your garden. With Elmwood, talking to you and looking at Howard - Doug no offence, you look like shit - Hold on he wants to talk to you”
“No, don’t do it. If you’ll put him on the phone I’ll hang up”
“Sorry Howard, she doesn’t want to talk to you.” Then talking to me “but you’ll have to do it eventually”
“Just not now”
“I guess we’re skipping our park routine this morning. I brought some food for thought, pastries and coffee. I’ll leave it with the sexy homeless, he looks like he might use something worm and edible, and a shower”
“That’s fine, talk to you later”
I walk by the living room when I hear him through the door “talk to me”
I freeze
“Talk to me”
I walk to the door and I sit down on the floor. If it wasn’t for the wood panel in between us we would be back against back.
“I want you to go away” and I try to stay calm and not to cry.
“I’m not going anywhere. Let me in so we can talk”
“I can’t look at you”
“Yes you can. Are you taking your vitamins?”
……
“Are you taking your vitamins?”
“Don’t worry about me. I’m going to be fine”
“I’m not. I need you. I miss you”
“You have plenty of company”
“I don’t care. I love you. Let me in”
In the meantime Jay-Jay is running like a madman around the house pushing a giant stuffed frog we bought at Hamley’s. He’s making a hell of a noise. Howard hears him “Jason, mate, daddy loves you, never ever doubt it”
I’m about to jump up so I can take him to another room but it’s too late. His face lights up and runs to door. He starts banging his little hands “Dad dad dad” and looks at me. Maybe he thinks he’s one of our gigs. I’m not moving so he stretches to reach the handle, he wants to open the door.
“No babe no, we’re not opening the door”
He starts crying and isn’t letting it go.
“Jason I said NO! Come with me”
“It’s OK mate, I have to go now, don’t you cry, daddy’s going. I’ll see you later”
*that’s just bloody fantastic, the cheating bastard just wan the award for most caring father of the year. And I feel guilty. How did a go from victim to headsman?*
Jason is not giving up. He’s hysteric now, kicking the door and calling Howard.
“I said NO! I’m sick and tired of you Donald men! You’re coming with me NOW!” I’ve never screamed at him before and it is not working. He is even lauder than before.
Howard is also yelling from the outer world “Jason cut the crap! I want you to listen to your mother. I mean it!”
Perfect, Jason is crying, I am crying and he is yelling. We are a bloody, cheap Italian comedy; we fit right into the stereotype. Pathetic.
“Shit!” I take Jason into my arms in spite of all his kicking and struggling to get free. I’m mad at him, at his father and at myself for not being able to control myself.
I try to hold him with one arm and with my other hand I open the door. Howard falls flat on the floor. He wasn’t expecting it. Looks at me, I avoid his eyes, I’m concentrating on his hands. I place Jason on his laps, place my right foot under his back so to help him regaining a sitting position and before I slam the door I manage to say “there you go! Be happy and leave me alone!”
“We’re not going to the park today. We’re staying in and find something fun to do at home” easier said than done.
I look around me and Howard is still here. Everywhere I turn I see him. The fruit in the bowl – I can hear his voice saying ‘apples in the bottom, bananas on top, that’s how God intended them, you don’t need a degree, which you have, to get a concept as simple as that’ – the pillow on the sofa ‘has to go on the right but not too on the right. Here’s just perfect, under my arm so I can be all comfy and cuddle you properly’ – and our pictures, and his smell.
I should eat something. I open the fridge and I stick my head inside it. There are organic vegetables, organic milk, organic eggs, organic cheese – greetings from Jasonland - and right behind the organic lettuce the Belgian Chocolate ice-cream is hiding. I take it out and I see a post-it Howard put on top of it ‘remember what we said about eating for two?’
“I hate you! Get out of my life! Drop Dead!” and I throw the ice-cream away.
I don’t want to ear, see, read or smell. The back garden. That is a safe place. Howard is not so outdoorsy. I’m improving, I’m thinking about not thinking about him.
I hear a car pulling over in front of the house. I get closer to the window and move the curtain so I can see without being seen. *look at me, few hours alone and I’m Mrs. Fairfax already*. It’s Jason and Glenn. They’re taking the bits and pieces of Howard’s stuff and place them into the trunk of Jay’s SUV. I see him getting closer to the door, he almost rings the bell, stops, he’s probably having a second though. As a matter of fact he turns around and goes back to the car.
My mobile rings, it’s Emma, I answer “Hello stranger”
“I’m thinking about coming over and spend the night. We could have a pajama party. Elmwood and I are all alone. Got into a fight with Mark. He’s at Jason’s too, he must have a full house tonight”
“Thanks but we’re fine. Jason is asleep right by me while I’m watching ‘Steel Magnolias’. Ready to cry at the funeral scene”
“As always”
“I’m all for tradition, you know”
“Have you had any dinner?”
“Yep, some pickles and cereals”
“No wonder you throw up”
“The good news is I’m over him”
“You cannot be over him, it is not possible”
“Of course it is. It is all about will power. I’m totally, utterly and completely over him”
‘No you’re not”
“Wanna bet?”
“Are you sleeping on his side of the bed?”
I look around me “maybe but…”
“Did you smell his pillow?”
“Well, it’s not like I…”
“Can you hear his voice in your head?”
“Most definitely”
“Let me tell you. You are not over him”
“I know. And talking about him is not helping. I think I am going to cry myself to sleep now”
“Talk to you tomorrow”
“Night”
I wake up with Jason’s feet in my mouth. One of the two had a hard night. I guess it was me since I’m almost out of the bed. It’s 8 o’clock. Jason feels I’m stretching and opens his eyes. He’s smiling at me. “Morning Attila, how did you like sleeping in the big bed with mummy?” He hugs me in reply. “Hungry eh? Milk is on the way”.
I sit him in his chair and I give him his bottle. “I throw up and be right back”. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror; my complexion is an interesting yet disturbing shade of green. “I am supposed to glow, this doesn’t look like glowing to me.” I wash my face with cold water. I open the window to let some fresh air in when someone calls me “Dear? Is everything alright?” That was most definitely a real voice, no imagining thing. That was real, a female voice. It would be fine if I wasn’t alone in the house. “Over here darling”. *Panic button, panic button, where is it when you need it?* “I’m behind the fence, Mrs. Fairfax here”. *God, just take me now. I cannot be engaged in a conversation with her, not now, or ever* close my eyes and wait for the blow, nothing. I’m still here, alive and kicking. “Morning Mrs. Fairfax. I’m sorry but I’m in a hurry. Jason’s crying”
“I’m so sorry darling”
I freeze. *Maybe I didn’t catch it, I thought they had a party to celebrate the end of the mad couple disease*
“I didn’t catch that, can you repeat please?”
“I couldn’t help but noticing the little commotion yesterday”
*British understatement, so fascinating*
“I’m sorry for the noise. It won’t happen again”
“So I heard”
*The old bitch strikes again*
“but there is something you should know”
I stick my head out of the window so I can actually see her. She looks sincerely worried. Maybe I woke up in a parallel universe where she is a decent person and Howard is impotent.
“He spent the night at your doorstep. Never left for a moment. His friends tried to convince him to go with them but he refused. He’s still out there”
“Thank you for …. erm … the information” I mumble, maybe she’s the one doing drugs. There’s no chance Howard spent the night out there. It’s not his style.
I rush to the living room window and open the curtain a little. *Shit* I can see his feet. He’s sitting on the doorstep. *what do I do? What do I do? What do I do?*
“Mama, mama”
Bless you baby. “Yogurt time! Feed Jason, that’s what I need to do”
I can’t stop thinking about Howard’s feet. I’m pathetic beyond reason.
I need to keep myself busy. The bathroom needs a good scrub. Here I am, a bloody Stepford wife when my mobile rings “Hi Emma, I’m drowning my sorrow in a gigantic amount of soap. Have you heard from Mark yet?”
“You do realize Howard is right at your doorstep, don’t you?”
“So I was told. I’m freaking out, I can’t see him now, or talk to him for what that matters. I’m under siege but I’m not going down without putting up a fight. Where are you?”
“In your garden. With Elmwood, talking to you and looking at Howard - Doug no offence, you look like shit - Hold on he wants to talk to you”
“No, don’t do it. If you’ll put him on the phone I’ll hang up”
“Sorry Howard, she doesn’t want to talk to you.” Then talking to me “but you’ll have to do it eventually”
“Just not now”
“I guess we’re skipping our park routine this morning. I brought some food for thought, pastries and coffee. I’ll leave it with the sexy homeless, he looks like he might use something worm and edible, and a shower”
“That’s fine, talk to you later”
I walk by the living room when I hear him through the door “talk to me”
I freeze
“Talk to me”
I walk to the door and I sit down on the floor. If it wasn’t for the wood panel in between us we would be back against back.
“I want you to go away” and I try to stay calm and not to cry.
“I’m not going anywhere. Let me in so we can talk”
“I can’t look at you”
“Yes you can. Are you taking your vitamins?”
……
“Are you taking your vitamins?”
“Don’t worry about me. I’m going to be fine”
“I’m not. I need you. I miss you”
“You have plenty of company”
“I don’t care. I love you. Let me in”
In the meantime Jay-Jay is running like a madman around the house pushing a giant stuffed frog we bought at Hamley’s. He’s making a hell of a noise. Howard hears him “Jason, mate, daddy loves you, never ever doubt it”
I’m about to jump up so I can take him to another room but it’s too late. His face lights up and runs to door. He starts banging his little hands “Dad dad dad” and looks at me. Maybe he thinks he’s one of our gigs. I’m not moving so he stretches to reach the handle, he wants to open the door.
“No babe no, we’re not opening the door”
He starts crying and isn’t letting it go.
“Jason I said NO! Come with me”
“It’s OK mate, I have to go now, don’t you cry, daddy’s going. I’ll see you later”
*that’s just bloody fantastic, the cheating bastard just wan the award for most caring father of the year. And I feel guilty. How did a go from victim to headsman?*
Jason is not giving up. He’s hysteric now, kicking the door and calling Howard.
“I said NO! I’m sick and tired of you Donald men! You’re coming with me NOW!” I’ve never screamed at him before and it is not working. He is even lauder than before.
Howard is also yelling from the outer world “Jason cut the crap! I want you to listen to your mother. I mean it!”
Perfect, Jason is crying, I am crying and he is yelling. We are a bloody, cheap Italian comedy; we fit right into the stereotype. Pathetic.
“Shit!” I take Jason into my arms in spite of all his kicking and struggling to get free. I’m mad at him, at his father and at myself for not being able to control myself.
I try to hold him with one arm and with my other hand I open the door. Howard falls flat on the floor. He wasn’t expecting it. Looks at me, I avoid his eyes, I’m concentrating on his hands. I place Jason on his laps, place my right foot under his back so to help him regaining a sitting position and before I slam the door I manage to say “there you go! Be happy and leave me alone!”
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