WITH OR WITHOUT YOU 20

“Help, help, help” I’m on the phone with Henry.
“What happened? I knew I should have stayed”
“He has Jason”
“What do you mean?”
“Jason is with him now, that’s what I mean”
“Did he kidnap him? I’m gonna call the police and I’ll be right there”
“No! He did not technically kidnap him”
“Did he break into the house?”
“I opened the door”
“Did you let him in?”
“Not really, I almost throw Jason at him”
“You did what?”
“I was mad, at them, at myself. I couldn’t think. But now I’m screwed because I will have to let him in when he comes back with Jay, it’s almost lunch time. And I don’t know what to do. Shit shit shit”.
“Cursing won’t help. I’m on my way”

We’re now waiting for them to come home. “I spent so many summer afternoons playing Risiko when I was a child. I was ‘Conqueror of the World’ for three years in a row. My brother hated me. It is basic stuff. I was supposed to watch my borders and buildup my armies so to avoid his upcoming attack. Piece of cake. And I play my mental card instead and open the door!”
“What are you talking about? What as a board game to do with you? The two of you deserve each other. You are crazy!”
“Will you wait with me?”
“It’s not like I have a choice, but you need to calm down” and the bell rings.
Panic! “I cannot see him, can’t. You deal with it” and I run to lock myself in the bathroom.
“Love your attitude. You are very mature! I’m impressed!”
Henry opens the door standing right in the middle of the entrance. Howard stares at him. “Move”
“No, you cannot come in, do yourself a favor, give me Jason and leave”
“Henry, I don’t want to hurt you. I like you. So be smart, leave my house, get into your car and get yourself a life”
“As I said, she doesn’t want to see you. This is no longer your house. Give me the baby”
“Henry, if you don’t let me in I will have to bit you to a pulp. I’m tired and I basically fucked up my life which makes me really mad. I cannot really control myself so don’t push it”
“I’m sorry, I can’t. Why don’t you give Jason to me and I’ll take him inside? We’re adults, we can work this out. Me and you can go to quite place, have a nice cup of tea and talk this through”
He sighs, puts Jason down “go mate, there’s your frog waiting for you by the fireplace” he looks back at Henry, grabs him by the shirt and throws him down the steps in front of the house “I told you not to push it. Now get the hell out of here” and slams the door.
“Monica where are you?”
*Shit I should have known. Henry didn’t stand a chance against Howard. He never calls me by my full name, never. I’m Mon, not Monica. What does he have in mind? So much for brilliant military strategies. What do I do now? What do I do? What do I do?*
“I just want to talk, you cannot hide forever”
*wanna bet cheating bastard?*
“Take your time. I’ll feed Jason in the meantime”.
I don’t even now how long I’ve been here. I’m starving and the house is quite. Maybe he left. I open the door and I look around. The area is clear. Check the kitchen first, dirty plates in the sink, Jason’s toys on the floor. No human life detected. I go upstairs. I open the door to Jason’s room and he’s there taking his nap. My radar spots no cheating bastard within reach. Good. I walk to my bedroom and there he is, sleeping too. He’s on his-side/my-new-side-now of the bed. He has some nerve! I stare at him. I could kill him in his sleep, it cannot be hard. People do it all the time and some of them get away with it too. Howard rolls over and I see he’s hugging my PJ. The cheating bastard is good at this game. But I’m not buying it anymore.
Moreover, the above mentioned cheating bastard is naked. All of the sudden I understand what Lorena Bobbit must have felt.
He opens his eyes and looks at me standing by the wall. I cross my arm and I’m about to leave when he says “stay here, lie here with me”
“You are delusional”
“I mean it Mon, lie here with me. I miss you. Let me cuddle you”
I just stare at him.
“I need you so bad, if you let me cuddle you I’ll leave”
“Do you think I’m stupid? You are compulsive liar. I know that now. What part of the ‘you-are-a-cheating-bastard-I-hate-you-and-I-don’t-want-to-see-you-anymore’ you did not get?”
He sits on the bed ‘I just want to explain. She …”
“You are not mentioning the whore in my own home. I don’t want to hear it. And put something on!”
“You have seen me naked before”
“That was a lifetime ago. When two people who thought they had the real thing used to live here. And besides, you don’t impress me much”
“I’ll go. I don’t want to upset you more. But we will have to talk.” He stands up and looks around him “I got nothing to wear, my clothes were filthy and they are in the washing machine, you got rid of everything else”
I walk to bathroom, get a bathrobe and throw it him “there you go. I’m going downstairs, I’ll be in the back garden. Don’t take your time and close the door when you leave.” The moment I finish my sentence I feel the urge of throwing up. I have not time to reach the loo so I just do it all over him, literally.
“Fuck Mon, that is gross”
“I’m sorry” I look at him and I fight the urge to laugh “no I’m not. That was almost even better than smashing your CDs.”
“Do you think I can take a shower before I leave?”
I’m thinking about it.
“Yes you can, just keep under 5 minutes”


I scan the covers of my novels on the shelves while I dial Henry’s number.
“How are you? Did you see a doctor?”
“He is a bloody Neanderthal! I offered him my help, and a cup of tea so we could talk and next thing I know I’m flying off your door”
“You offered him tea? I’m surprised you are still breathing without any tube coming out of your nose. He could have killed you. Hates tea”
“That is not funny, from now on we can talk on the phone or at the department, there is no way I’m coming back to your house where the lunatic might appear any time”
“Seriously, you’re not hurt, aren’t you?”
“Lots of bruises, a cut and my pride, that is gone for good”
“I’m sorry”
“It’s not your fault but stay away from him he is crazy”
“I know. That’s one of the thing I find fascinating about him”
“I’ll never understand you women, if there’s someone gentle and caring standing right in front of you, you just turn around to be abused by the next bastard walking by”
“That’s why we are so fascinating. Talk to you later”.
It is time to pick my pregnancy book. With Jason I read “Pride and Prejudice” over and over. I might go for something less romantic this time. *Auster, Wolf, Bellow, Foer, Pavese, Celine - no, they won’t do, my child won’t have a father so we’ll need at least a Nobel prize.* And I see it, my favorite novel in the whole world. I’m sure Gabo will keep me company through the dark times ahead. I take “Hundred years of solitude” from the shelf and I go sit on the deckchair in the back garden.
I read it so many times I know it by heart. So I decide to concentrate on the parts I underlined the last time.
It is so nice to be outside, quite, just me and my babe “well, I hope you are a baby girl, I could you some female support around here”. And I start read aloud so she can hear: “At that time Macondo was a village of twenty adobe houses, built on the bank of a river of clear water that ran along a bed of polished stones, which were white and enormous, like prehistoric eggs. The world was so recent that many things lacked names, and in order to indicate them it was necessary to point.”
I stretch on the deckchair, “Where were we? – ‘One winter night while the soup was boiling in the fireplace, he missed the heat of the back of his store, the buzzing of the sun on the dusty almond trees, the whistle of the train during the lethargy of siesta time, just as in Macondo he had missed the winter soup in the fireplace, the cries of the coffee vendor, and the fleeting larks of springtime. Upset by two nostalgias facing each other like two mirrors, he lost his marvelous sense of unreality and he ended up recommending to all of them that they leave Macondo, that they forget everything he had taught them about the world and the human heart, that they shit on Horace, and that wherever they might be they always remember that the past was a lie, that memory has no return, that every spring gone by could never be recovered, and that the wildest and most tenacious love was an ephemeral truth in the end.”
*Even Gabriel Garcia Marquez works against me. I need positive thoughts, I need to believe things can get better, and a new man*. Speaking of the devil, the cheating bastard opens the door and walks my direction.
I keep my eyes on my book “Do you have any idea how long it took me to clean up? That was bloody horrible. What did you have for breakfast? Dead rats and milk?” *must not laugh and must focus on the novel* but something catches my eye and I look at him in disbelief “For the love of God, what are you wearing?”
“These are your 9 months pregnant purple sweatpants” and he turns around to show me how they fit “it took us an entire afternoon up and down High Street Ken to find something you could wear. Don’t tell me you forgot about them!”
“Tried to. They scare me, besides they are basically Capri pants on you”
“And what do you think of my tank top? I went for the red one! Look at me, I’m Markie in the Relight My Fire video” and starts dancing to some music he only can hear.
I start to laugh, so hard I almost piss my pants. He laughs with me and sits on the grass right by me. Puts a hand on my leg and tries to rest his head on my belly. *mustn’t forget he is the cheating bastard* I push him away with my hand.
“You cannot pretend nothing happened. When I asked you to go I meant it”.
“So let’s talk about it”
“Not now, please, I don’t want to cry in front of you but I don’t know how long I can hold it. My pride is all I have left. You nearly killed me. I feel dead inside and it hurts so much. I trusted you. I look at our house and I know all my memories are nothing but a joke. Our life together was the worst joke ever and you are the one to blame”
“No, don’t say that. I love you. And I am here. I’m not going anywhere. You don’t get to breakdown; you don’t get to fall apart until there is a chance for us to be a family again”
“I don’t think there is a future for us. You have been lying to me all along. How many” I’m fighting the tears “how many women did you fuck while I was home-alone, pregnant with our child? How many times when you were talking to me on the phone telling me how much you missed you were already picking up someone to shag? How many times when I called you and you said you were busy you were in bed with someone else? How many times when one of them asked you if you had someone at home waiting for you, you answered ‘no’? I have all those questions hunting me and I wish I could shut them off but I can’t. I wish I could sleep long and well and not know this sorrow and the solitude. And I can’t forgive you for all the pain. I saw you Howard, I saw you. Nothing can erase that image from my mind” *mustn’t cry in front of him*.
His fingers are caressing my toes, he looks into my eyes “I let you down and I know you don’t trust me right now, but look at me, it’s me, it’s us. We can’t still be what we were. I love you, I felt in love with the moment you entered the restaurant with Emma. You were wearing that silly blue dress that makes you look like Julie Andrews in ‘The Sound of Music” and you hair were a mess but you smiled at me and I knew. You are the love of my life. Please tell me there’s still hope”.
We are standing there, lost for words, caressing each other’s fingers. I start to cry and he puts his arms around me, resting his head on my belly. He holds me tight. I close my eyes and caress his hair “love has never been an issue between us, but I cannot trust you anymore. I want you to leave now. I’ll make sure Emma can come by so you can see Jason as often as you wish but I cannot be you”.
He lets go of me, slowly, he stands up, I keep my eyes closed, and I hear the door to the kitchen open and close.