WITH OR WITHOUT YOU 23

The bloody photographer literally pushes me into Howard’s arms. We’re like picture perfect, the happy family you can see in commercials, looking right at the camera. He’s holding our son and I’m standing in front of them trying not to lean on him. At least I don’t have to look at him, I just need to keep smiling and remember to breath.
I can feel his mouth dangerously close to my ear. Shivers down my spine *it is the pregnant woman sex drive, I do not fancy the cheating bastard* “You cut your hair”
“Not talking to you”
“Liar. Your hair” he tries to touch them but I slightly move my head and he stops.
“It was supposed to be another cathartic experience, you know, getting rid of tensions and unhappy memories, but it backfired. I’m blaming it on you”
“Would it help if I tell you I don’t like it?”
“Maybe”
“I hate it”
“Whatever. I should have thrown up on you – again - instead of going to the stupid hairdresser”
“Happy memories. You’re wearing the star fish”
“Always, I keep it close to my heart; it reminds me of what you’re capable of”
*Enough of with the small talk, what the….?* his hand moves to my hip and gives me a light squeeze.
“Get your hand off me” low voice, still smiling to the camera, behaving like a true lady.
“Sorry…” he whispers. Another gentle squeeze, my body is screaming *get him* but my mind beg to differ.
I keep my voice low, I pronounce every single word so he can hear it, still smiling “I said get your cheating hand off me. If you don’t I’m gonna make the biggest scene ever and I am gonna make sure your beloved mother gets all the juicy details about your bedroom activities”
“I was only…”
“Buckle up, it’s show time”
And I feel his hand quickly moving from my hips into his pocket. “Good boy, now sit”
“Great pictures! Lovely families! And now another one, only the happy parents this time”.
I turn towards Markie, “I think we should let the party going and maybe the photographer could just jump into the pool and die. And maybe, if I’m really lucky, you might think about following his example”
“No way, I’m having a blast”
Emma and Mark pose, hugging and kissing. I feel sick, emotionally sick. There should be a law forbidding people in love to make miserable people more miserable. And when I think I finally reach the bottom, here comes the pick so I can dig down some more.
“You will have to look at me eventually”
He’s standing right behind me, the tips of his fingers rubbing my back, his nose touching my hair. *If he doesn’t stop I am going to have sex with him right here, and I might consider let the bloody clowns watch. Need to keep the breathing steady. Focus on something else, movies, sci-fi, ‘A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away’*
‘Mr and Mrs Donald, your turn!’
“We’re not married” I protest
“Yet” Howard adds and gently pushes me towards the chosen spot.
“So, I need you to stay very close and smile”
“No problem, we can do it!” Howard moves by me, places an arm behind my back, the other on my belly and his lips on my cheek smooching me. *lahlahlah, I am a statue, not moving a single muscle, not feeling anything*.
Mark whispers something into the photographer’s ear and he says “Mrs Donald, you’re in the picture too. Look at him”
I sigh and I turn my face towards Howard’s.
He’s smiling and looking at me like my life depends on it “Hello, I’m Howard, long time no see, I’ve missed you” and rubs my cheek with his thumb.
“Smile!” Mark yells and they take the bloody picture.
I move away from him, “Need to use the loo, I can just spare you with the graphic details but we have this magic thing between us. If you get too close I feel the urge of throwing up. You’re charming.”
“Coming with you”
“There are things we need to do by our..” and I feel I’m about to retch, he can see it too. Considering our last closer encounter, I think he would jump backward, but instead he places a hand over my mouth, keeping my head up, the other hand around my waist and literally pushes me towards the house.
“Go! Go! Go! People out of the way! Exorcism ahead!”
I manage to run and think he is really retarded.

He flushes the toilet and strokes my hair. I push him away. He is not ready to give up.
“We need to work on your diet. I don’t think the color of what just came out of you exists in nature. Don’t tell me you ate Jason’s tofu muffins. They are scary”
“I don’t need you”
“I know, and that can be a problem, because I do”
“Tough luck”
“Let me move back in. I could take care of you, and Jason”
“That is fun, you’re comical”
“I’m serious, I want to come back home”
“No”
“You wouldn’t have to talk to me, or look at me, or even spend time with me. I would be invisible. I could sleep in the guest room, cook you decent meals, take care of Jason, I would simply be there if you need anything.”
I look at in disbelief.
“We have been there already, in 3 months you will need someone to cut your toe nails, and I do recall your sex drive while expecting Jason. I would be there, you just have to say the word and I’ll have sex with you”
“You kidding right?”
“No. I can do that and besides, is the one thing I’m really good at.” And he smirks. “I don’t want you to fancy the milkman. Tell me it’s not too late. You haven’t already hit on him right? It would be just sex, nothing more and nothing less.”
“I know, I learned it the hard way. I was there”
“Fuck, that’s not what I meant. I’m just saying I will be there and you won’t owe me a thing.”
“Just sex”
“Just sex”
“And in case I’m not interested in your indecent proposal, could I pass it on to a couple of girlfriends of mine? They’re single and they might enjoy some fooling around”
“I am not going to touch another woman ever, trust me”
“Never say never again”
“I know what I’m talking about”
“That’s refreshing”
I know he’s trying his best not to pick up a fight. “So?”
“No.…………………..Not yet”
“Yet is good, I can accept yet. I love yet”
“I’m tired, I’m going home now. You can bring Jason back tomorrow. I’ll be home working”
“Fine” he tries to kiss my forehead but I put my hand on his chest so he cannot get closer to me. “Right” he sighs “could you at least tell my sister to stop? She’s been abusing me for the past two days. She has been smacking me so hard my head hurts”
“She has always been my favorite”
I say my goodbyes and I stand outside waiting for the taxi to pick me up. I hear the door open and I know it’s Howard. He is now standing in front of me.
“Are we back to the ‘I’m not looking at you cheating bastard’ square?”
I nod.
“Right, I have something for you”
“You’ve done enough already. I’m flattered but no”
“It’s just a cd” and he gives it me. I’m not moving. “Please take it. You don’t have to listen to it if you don’t want to, but I need to know you have it”.
“On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy torturing me?”
“I’m just trying to win you back. Just take it”
I give up and place it inside my handbag “happy now?”
“Thank you”