WITH OR WITHOUT YOU 24

I get into the taxi “To Bitter Woman Lane, please”. I cannot believe I just said it out loud. I give him my real life address and we get moving.

My handbag is sitting right by me. I open it a little and have a look inside. The cd is still there hidden between my make-up and two of Jason’s nappies. I take it into my hand and I see Howard’s handwriting on the cover. I let it fall back inside.

I get home and I drop it on the floor. I cannot deal with him now, better to take a shower. I’m sitting in it, hot water hitting on my body. The room is filled with steam. I’m biting my shoulder; I can feel him right by my side. His lips by my ear, his hands over my body, I feel like I am going to explode *maybe I got it all wrong, maybe it is really time to move on. I need to remember I cannot trust him. If I can’t stop loving him I just need to put as much distance between us as possible. I can still find a job back home – or maybe not since I turned down the one at the University of Florence, stupid cow that I am - or move to the US. I just cannot go on like that.* I can hear the phone ringing. It cannot be so important.
Wear a bathrobe and I go down to the kitchen. I make some chamomile and take my book. I seat on the sofa and start reading. Words are a blur. No readable sentences. I look around me, hoping to find the answer somewhere. “What are you looking at?” I’m interacting with the picture of the ghosts of the three of us - smiling, happy and tanned. We were still a family when we took it during our last trip to Sicily. I stand up, and I turn the picture towards the wall. I start walking back and forth. “Alright! You win”. I get the bag and take the cd out. I hold it for a very long time. There’s a letter inside. It’s Howard’s. I catch my breath. I’m about to open it when a little voice inside me advice not to. I close my eyes and wait for a sign. Which by the way comes only in movies. So I go up to my bedroom, and cuddle under the duvet.
I’m laying in the dark. The house is so quite and empty. *If I could only separate the Howard who says he loves me from the one in the hotel in Paris, if only I could* I cry, cry myself to oblivion. I am lying in my bed, not knowing what to do next. If my brain could give me a break, I just need a little peace. I fall asleep for almost and hour. When I wake up my head hurts. I need to take better care of myself. The cd is still in my hand. I didn’t let it go. I open a drawer, put the cd in it and I go to back to bed.



I wake up with a killing headache. Fix myself some breakfast and start working.

My mobile rings.
“Greetings from Stratford”
“Ciao Emma, back to work already?”
“Show biz people, we don’t really get the whole concept of a Sunday break”
“I’m working too, I’m co-teaching a seminar with Henry tomorrow. A class at 9.00 on Monday it’s just wrong Wanna laugh? It’s gonna be on John Ford’s ‘Tis Pity She’s a Whore’. I just googled Diamond name so I can find some of her pictures to add to my power point presentation”
“Go girl! I tried to call you last night. I want to apologize on Mark’s behalf. He meant no arm, it was just male clumsiness at this best. He thought the whole picture plan was going to work and that the two of you would live happily ever after. I tried to explain to him women are a little more complicated than that, but he wouldn’t listen. I told him he shouldn’t push it. He’s worried about Doug. We are all worried about him. He didn’t get any sleep last night. He was staring at his mobile. Where you supposed to call him? I’m sorry, I should just mind my own business. You take your time”
“I’m bitter, and lonely, and tired and my whole life over the past 12 hours has revolved around a cd”
“What?”
“Howard gave me a letter and a cd yesterday. I sort of locked it away. I’m shitscared to open it”
“I know nothing about it. But maybe you…no, I’ll keep my mouth shout. You know what to do.”
“Do I? I have a better idea. I could maybe fed-ex it to you, so you can listen to it and send me a 2 pages memo to tell me what is about.”
“I don’t have the time” she says with a very dramatic tone and I hear someone on the background saying ‘If I profane with my unworthiest hand, this holy shrine’ ...” “I have to go. Romeo’s calling. May the force be with you.”
“Thanks Luke”
“He loves you”
“Would you like a loaded gun to go with your words?”
“Sorry”
“Ciao”

I hang up the phone, close my laptop and walk to the infamous drawer. I open it and I know procrastination is over. I take the cd and I crawl to the stereo. I sit on the floor, I insert the cd in and open the letter

I miss you so much. I’m looking at you from the bedroom window. You’re in the garden eating a chocolate cake. Smiling, I bet Dawn has just said something funny. You said hello to one of our friends. But you’re not talking to me. I would give anything to come down and be with you. I would hug you and you would spoon feed me. And we would laugh. You cut your hair. I like it, you look younger and freer. The fact you might be going on with your life is killing me. Because I’m lost without you. I feel like a damn acrobat. I’m trying to walk on this thin cable in front of me and I don’t know which way to bend so I won’t fall down. It’s the same thing with you. I don’t know what to do to make you understand I love you. Every time I try you seem to hate me even more. It’s like I don’t know you anymore. And I am so scared you might look at me one day and tell yourself I remind you of the man you used to love. Us is still out there, we just need to find our way back home. I miss waking up with you. I miss living with you. And I even miss the passion-killer socks you wear around the house in the winter. Everyone is telling me you need time. I am willing to wait for you. I’m not going anywhere. I bet you’re already bored. Not much of a talker and even lesser of a writer. I’m better at writing music. I wrote a song for you. I told you already, a long time ago, I have always done it all for you. I wanted to sing it, but every time I tried I chocked, so Mark accepted to do it for me. It’s recorded in the cd, all you have to do is listen to me.

I catch my breath, close my eyes and press PLAY

Guitar playing *can’t be Jason, it’s too good*

We've been many times before
Leaving rooms and slamming doors
We're climbing up the bedroom walls
Sometimes we make it so frustrating
I touch your mouth, I touch your lips
The answers are our fingertips
Not giving up or giving in
Why are we so complicated?
Oh tell me what to say, tell me
To make it all ok
I don't wanna see you hurting
Just hold on
Just hold on to me
I don't wanna see you crying
So hold on
So hold on to me
I'm tryin' to think of what to do
To really make it up to you
So many truths, too many lies
Making love can be so crazy
I find myself back here again
Asking you to let me in
You know it's time, we need to change
How can we live with all these maybes?
There are no words that say, no words
To make it go away
I don't wanna see you hurting
Just hold on
Just hold on to me
I don't wanna see you crying
So hold on
So hold on to me
'Cause baby it's alright
I'm staying here tonight
So hold on
Just tell me what to say
To let you know
I'll always stay

*enough* I press STOP. “That is foul play Howard!” I’m shivering, I stand up and move towards the window crying and laughing.