“Howard would it be so terrible if I pick the song you’ll sing? I’m the one who won the bet after all; I think I should get to choose it”.
“Your wish is my command” he smiles at me and bows.
“If you say so” … “‘Paradise’ it is!”
I can see his jaw drop, while Gary is pissing his pant “She got you, she got you good, oh boy this is going to be so much fun I could pay her to stay with us forever. Video camera anyone? This is serious Youtube material”.
“Well what can I say … I’m glad my sorrows humor my best friends” and he walks towards the karaoke station with his head down and I start feeling really bad for him. I mean, he plays the “I’m the cool DJ” part and here I am mocking him in front of his friends and a crowded restaurant. I guess Mark can see right through me, gets closer and whispers in my ear “Don’t buy it for one minute, if I know him, and believe me I do, this is far from over”.
He gives me a last begging look but I don’t move. He picks the microphone and his eyes light up: “Well ladies and gentlemen, I was here having a nice and relaxed dinner with my friends when a bizarre but extremely generous lady came to us. Please a big applause for the lady in blue at our table” - and every single head turn towards me. I’m standing there like a deer caught by car lights right before it gets run over and left on the street to die – “she has been sending me several letters over the past weeks and I was starting to fear I might have to call the police. Well I met her and I have to tell you she was right, she is my BIGGEST fan.” – I freeze; I need to find myself a hole and hide, fast – “To prove that, she asked me to sing her favorite love song. In return she is willing to give 1000 pounds to any charity of my choice, so, this is for you BABE”.
How dare he calling me Babe?
The moment people realize what he’s singing all eyes are back on me. Focus on how to kill him, nice, slow and painful. Focus.
Jason is trying to get the camera on his brand new cell phone to work but he doesn’t stand a chance. Mark is already thinking about going up there and sing the next song.
“As we all know how is it going to end, is May a good month for the two of you to get married? We could have a nice reception at our home if you wish” Gary say talking to me and looking at Howard, who’s coming back to the table.
I just cannot look at him, and truly I don’t have to, he takes my hand, drag me to the dance floor and whispers in my ear “Do you have plans for tomorrow night?”
“Well, there’s a silent film festival at the university and they are showing ‘Battleship Potemkin’”. I cannot believe I’ve just said that. Why? Why? Why?
“Sounds like you have a peculiar idea of what’s fun. Is it an Italian thing? See, we were rehearsing the Apache dance routine for the upcoming tour the other day, and Gaz got distracted by the tea lady and hit me. He almost broke my nose. I believe that was probably less painful than that movie of yours. What if I cook you dinner instead?”
“You can cook too?”
“Yes, and I would be honored to introduce you to the joys of English food. And we could maybe share some recipes. Love pasta.”
“I’d like that, and no we can’t. Haven’t been near a kitchen since October 3rd 1998, the day I tried to make hummus and forgot to secure the top of my blender. Still have nightmares. Do you have any idea how long it takes to scrape beans off the walls? Brownies are the only edible thing I can make without risking to be charged with manslaughter.”
He laughs and looks at me and holds me tighter and for the very first time I really see him.
In the meantime Mark has already taken possession of the mic and doing his best Elvis impression sings
Wise Men sayonly fools rush in
“Your wish is my command” he smiles at me and bows.
“If you say so” … “‘Paradise’ it is!”
I can see his jaw drop, while Gary is pissing his pant “She got you, she got you good, oh boy this is going to be so much fun I could pay her to stay with us forever. Video camera anyone? This is serious Youtube material”.
“Well what can I say … I’m glad my sorrows humor my best friends” and he walks towards the karaoke station with his head down and I start feeling really bad for him. I mean, he plays the “I’m the cool DJ” part and here I am mocking him in front of his friends and a crowded restaurant. I guess Mark can see right through me, gets closer and whispers in my ear “Don’t buy it for one minute, if I know him, and believe me I do, this is far from over”.
He gives me a last begging look but I don’t move. He picks the microphone and his eyes light up: “Well ladies and gentlemen, I was here having a nice and relaxed dinner with my friends when a bizarre but extremely generous lady came to us. Please a big applause for the lady in blue at our table” - and every single head turn towards me. I’m standing there like a deer caught by car lights right before it gets run over and left on the street to die – “she has been sending me several letters over the past weeks and I was starting to fear I might have to call the police. Well I met her and I have to tell you she was right, she is my BIGGEST fan.” – I freeze; I need to find myself a hole and hide, fast – “To prove that, she asked me to sing her favorite love song. In return she is willing to give 1000 pounds to any charity of my choice, so, this is for you BABE”.
How dare he calling me Babe?
The moment people realize what he’s singing all eyes are back on me. Focus on how to kill him, nice, slow and painful. Focus.
Jason is trying to get the camera on his brand new cell phone to work but he doesn’t stand a chance. Mark is already thinking about going up there and sing the next song.
“As we all know how is it going to end, is May a good month for the two of you to get married? We could have a nice reception at our home if you wish” Gary say talking to me and looking at Howard, who’s coming back to the table.
I just cannot look at him, and truly I don’t have to, he takes my hand, drag me to the dance floor and whispers in my ear “Do you have plans for tomorrow night?”
“Well, there’s a silent film festival at the university and they are showing ‘Battleship Potemkin’”. I cannot believe I’ve just said that. Why? Why? Why?
“Sounds like you have a peculiar idea of what’s fun. Is it an Italian thing? See, we were rehearsing the Apache dance routine for the upcoming tour the other day, and Gaz got distracted by the tea lady and hit me. He almost broke my nose. I believe that was probably less painful than that movie of yours. What if I cook you dinner instead?”
“You can cook too?”
“Yes, and I would be honored to introduce you to the joys of English food. And we could maybe share some recipes. Love pasta.”
“I’d like that, and no we can’t. Haven’t been near a kitchen since October 3rd 1998, the day I tried to make hummus and forgot to secure the top of my blender. Still have nightmares. Do you have any idea how long it takes to scrape beans off the walls? Brownies are the only edible thing I can make without risking to be charged with manslaughter.”
He laughs and looks at me and holds me tighter and for the very first time I really see him.
In the meantime Mark has already taken possession of the mic and doing his best Elvis impression sings
Wise Men sayonly fools rush in
but I can’t help falling in love with you
Shall I staywould it be a sin
if I can't help falling in love with you...
and we start dancing.
and we start dancing.
It’s already 8 o’clock and Howard is standing on the top of the stair, leg spread the way singers do in musicals, screaming like a madman “Control freak approaching, control freak approaching!” Turns towards me, “You don’t need to plan every single detail of every single day. It’s just not fun. Rules are meant to be broken and I don’t give a shit if the entire educational system crashes down if you miss class.” Than he sings “Hey BABE, take a walk on the wild side”.
“And the coloured girls go. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo” I add trying to give a convincing Lou Reed impression. “I don’t really have time for this now. I have class in less than an hour and a ton of photocopies to do. Have pity on me and tell me where you hid my keys”. No reply, I turn around and I see him.
“Please? Pretty please?”
“Pretty please?” I manage to repeat.
Howard is right in front of me, naked, bending on his knees and giving me a mischievous grin. He knows I cannot resist him.
I try to keep my face straight but it doesn’t last long. He’s in love with me and I cannot still believe it. Over the past weeks I’ve been pinching myself so hard and so often just to check I’m not daydreaming my arms are all bruised.
He gets closer, stands up and lifts me up over his shoulder. He comes out with a Tarzan like scream and tosses me back on the bed. Looks into my eyes and I get lost.
I know I really need to get going but when he starts kissing my neck I use what is left of my brain to come up with a believable excuse with the secretary of the Dept.
“You are probably the tallest 5 years old person I know” and I caress his curly hair and smile at him.
“Well, could a 5 year old do that?” and I feel his hand caressing my inner thigh.
I can’t even say ‘no’.
I am getting dressed, again, trying to find my purse and my shoes.
“This is for you” he says handing me a little light blue box.
“Howard I am truly late, it would be really helpful for my career if I could at least show up for one of the classes I am supposed to teach”, I pause when I see his present “Well, if you think of paying me for my ‘special’ services, you’ll need more than a little box. I am high maintenance, you should know that”.
“Happy un-anniversary babe”.
“Don’t call me babe, I’ve told you a thousand times. Happy what?”
“I got you BABE! We have been together for three months and three days, I don’t think Hallmark prints card for such occasions but I felt like celebrating.”
I stand there, like a mad scientist lobotomized me. I feel my legs trembling and the sudden urge to cry.
“You don’t need to do that. I mean… I don’t even know what you’re doing here with me. I am trying not to fall in love with you but you’re making it so hard.”
“What can I say? I’m a natural born cutie. And I am all yours. You’re SO, SO lucky!” and he gives me an evil smile.
I open the box. There’s diamond star fish pendant and a platinum necklace.
“You’re swimming all the time and I thought it would combine the two loves of your life, water and ME!”
“And the coloured girls go. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo” I add trying to give a convincing Lou Reed impression. “I don’t really have time for this now. I have class in less than an hour and a ton of photocopies to do. Have pity on me and tell me where you hid my keys”. No reply, I turn around and I see him.
“Please? Pretty please?”
“Pretty please?” I manage to repeat.
Howard is right in front of me, naked, bending on his knees and giving me a mischievous grin. He knows I cannot resist him.
I try to keep my face straight but it doesn’t last long. He’s in love with me and I cannot still believe it. Over the past weeks I’ve been pinching myself so hard and so often just to check I’m not daydreaming my arms are all bruised.
He gets closer, stands up and lifts me up over his shoulder. He comes out with a Tarzan like scream and tosses me back on the bed. Looks into my eyes and I get lost.
I know I really need to get going but when he starts kissing my neck I use what is left of my brain to come up with a believable excuse with the secretary of the Dept.
“You are probably the tallest 5 years old person I know” and I caress his curly hair and smile at him.
“Well, could a 5 year old do that?” and I feel his hand caressing my inner thigh.
I can’t even say ‘no’.
I am getting dressed, again, trying to find my purse and my shoes.
“This is for you” he says handing me a little light blue box.
“Howard I am truly late, it would be really helpful for my career if I could at least show up for one of the classes I am supposed to teach”, I pause when I see his present “Well, if you think of paying me for my ‘special’ services, you’ll need more than a little box. I am high maintenance, you should know that”.
“Happy un-anniversary babe”.
“Don’t call me babe, I’ve told you a thousand times. Happy what?”
“I got you BABE! We have been together for three months and three days, I don’t think Hallmark prints card for such occasions but I felt like celebrating.”
I stand there, like a mad scientist lobotomized me. I feel my legs trembling and the sudden urge to cry.
“You don’t need to do that. I mean… I don’t even know what you’re doing here with me. I am trying not to fall in love with you but you’re making it so hard.”
“What can I say? I’m a natural born cutie. And I am all yours. You’re SO, SO lucky!” and he gives me an evil smile.
I open the box. There’s diamond star fish pendant and a platinum necklace.
“You’re swimming all the time and I thought it would combine the two loves of your life, water and ME!”
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