The door almost slams open and I see Howard and Glenn carrying what it should be the last of my boxes. They drop it on the floor with a loud “bam” and Glenn mumbles “What the f…k! What did she pack in here? A dead body? So f…….g heavy! How did she manage to collect all this s….t in only 4 years in London? If I had a say in all that we would have dropped all these f……..g boxes in the Thames! You just had to find yourself a professor. F……….g heavy books all over the place.” than he sees me and goes “Oh, hi Mon, glad I could help you moving in”.
“Yeah right!” I reply with a smile.
“Honey, have you met my brother? The Smartass?”
“Hummm” and I pretend to think about it “maybe, could it be the one leading the chicken dance at your mum’s birthday party last Friday?”
“I was drunk and as I told you, I would help you with those damn boxes if you promise not to held it against me ever again!”
“Fair enough. You were so nice helping Howard out, and I am so sorry I could not give you a hand, but my poor back…” and I touch my lower back faking pain.
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not Howard, so I’m not gonna buy that. You can quit the poor acting. We did it, he is happy, I’m happy and I’m out of here in no time”.
“Why don’t you stay with us for lunch? I could fix us something”.
I haven’t even finished my sentence that Howard is already shielding him with his own body and say in a very theatrical tone “Noooooo! You evil woman! You won’t have him! Go little brother, go, run for your life! Do not worry about me! I’ll stay here and fight so that no ravioli are overcooked in vain ever again! Tell mom and dad I love them very much! Go now, go!”
I clap my hands “I’m very impressed, a true thespian talent. Ever thought about going into showbiz? And for the record, by ‘fix’ I meant calling the Lebanese take a way down the street”.
“Thanks but no thanks, I am meeting a chick in an hour and I need to get a shower and change”.
I get closer to him, he has Howard’s eyes, and I tell him in my most charming tone “Well Glenn, repeat after me, women are human beings and not chicks, they deserve respect and if I hear you using that word again I will have to ask your brother to beat the shit out of you. Have I made myself clear?”
“Yes sir! Going now Sir! Is good to have you here." and he kisses me "See you tomorrow?”
“Yes, love you, and thanks again!” but he’s already in the truck.
Howard closes the door and turns towards me “So this is it. Roomie. Me and you all alooooooone in this big houseeeeee." then his voice changes, assuming a very proper tone "You are now a legal citizen of the Mighty Dougie Kingdom. Congratulations! But we regret to inform you, you’ve now lost all you privileges as ‘girlfriend-who-spends-the-night-whenever-she-feels-like-and-therefore-uses-sex-to-blackmail-poor-man-in-love’ and became seriously committed" Goes to the stereo and presses play, the Apache 2006 music fills the room "Therefore, I, the emperor, am issuing the following house rules:
Rule number one - you will have no other emperor but me.
Rule number two – no shitty music coming from loudspeaker at any time of the day or of the night. House music rules.
Rule number three – you will be allowed in the kitchen only for activities related to coffee making or trash picking up.
Rule number four – no dinners with obnoxious colleagues from obscure colleges around the world coming to London to see a boring performance. They don’t like me and speak a language the emperor does not understand.
Rule number five – the Porsche can be driven by no other than the emperor himself. If commoner gets close to precious German car, the above mentioned commoner will be severely punished.
Rule number six – on the contrary, the emperor reserves the right to drive commoner’s Vespa whenever London weather allows it.
Rule number seven – the emperor can make up, change, and twist rules as he pleases.
Rule number eight - the whole world agrees the emperor is very, very pretty!
Any questions? Comments?”
“Emperor my ass!" I say making a serious attempt not to laugh "Commoner will drive Porsche as much as she likes unless emperor wishes to sleep on the sofa and not getting any!”
“Do I sense mutiny here? This calls for immediate action lady!” and start running towards me.
I scream and get up the stairs, “catch me if you c” and he already did it!
We both fall on the floor, he’s standing over me, locking my face into his hands “I’m so glad you are here, I love you so much”.
“I love you too”.
“But still, you will have to suffer the emperor’s vengeanceeeeee!” and start biting my neck.
“Yeah right!” I reply with a smile.
“Honey, have you met my brother? The Smartass?”
“Hummm” and I pretend to think about it “maybe, could it be the one leading the chicken dance at your mum’s birthday party last Friday?”
“I was drunk and as I told you, I would help you with those damn boxes if you promise not to held it against me ever again!”
“Fair enough. You were so nice helping Howard out, and I am so sorry I could not give you a hand, but my poor back…” and I touch my lower back faking pain.
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not Howard, so I’m not gonna buy that. You can quit the poor acting. We did it, he is happy, I’m happy and I’m out of here in no time”.
“Why don’t you stay with us for lunch? I could fix us something”.
I haven’t even finished my sentence that Howard is already shielding him with his own body and say in a very theatrical tone “Noooooo! You evil woman! You won’t have him! Go little brother, go, run for your life! Do not worry about me! I’ll stay here and fight so that no ravioli are overcooked in vain ever again! Tell mom and dad I love them very much! Go now, go!”
I clap my hands “I’m very impressed, a true thespian talent. Ever thought about going into showbiz? And for the record, by ‘fix’ I meant calling the Lebanese take a way down the street”.
“Thanks but no thanks, I am meeting a chick in an hour and I need to get a shower and change”.
I get closer to him, he has Howard’s eyes, and I tell him in my most charming tone “Well Glenn, repeat after me, women are human beings and not chicks, they deserve respect and if I hear you using that word again I will have to ask your brother to beat the shit out of you. Have I made myself clear?”
“Yes sir! Going now Sir! Is good to have you here." and he kisses me "See you tomorrow?”
“Yes, love you, and thanks again!” but he’s already in the truck.
Howard closes the door and turns towards me “So this is it. Roomie. Me and you all alooooooone in this big houseeeeee." then his voice changes, assuming a very proper tone "You are now a legal citizen of the Mighty Dougie Kingdom. Congratulations! But we regret to inform you, you’ve now lost all you privileges as ‘girlfriend-who-spends-the-night-whenever-she-feels-like-and-therefore-uses-sex-to-blackmail-poor-man-in-love’ and became seriously committed" Goes to the stereo and presses play, the Apache 2006 music fills the room "Therefore, I, the emperor, am issuing the following house rules:
Rule number one - you will have no other emperor but me.
Rule number two – no shitty music coming from loudspeaker at any time of the day or of the night. House music rules.
Rule number three – you will be allowed in the kitchen only for activities related to coffee making or trash picking up.
Rule number four – no dinners with obnoxious colleagues from obscure colleges around the world coming to London to see a boring performance. They don’t like me and speak a language the emperor does not understand.
Rule number five – the Porsche can be driven by no other than the emperor himself. If commoner gets close to precious German car, the above mentioned commoner will be severely punished.
Rule number six – on the contrary, the emperor reserves the right to drive commoner’s Vespa whenever London weather allows it.
Rule number seven – the emperor can make up, change, and twist rules as he pleases.
Rule number eight - the whole world agrees the emperor is very, very pretty!
Any questions? Comments?”
“Emperor my ass!" I say making a serious attempt not to laugh "Commoner will drive Porsche as much as she likes unless emperor wishes to sleep on the sofa and not getting any!”
“Do I sense mutiny here? This calls for immediate action lady!” and start running towards me.
I scream and get up the stairs, “catch me if you c” and he already did it!
We both fall on the floor, he’s standing over me, locking my face into his hands “I’m so glad you are here, I love you so much”.
“I love you too”.
“But still, you will have to suffer the emperor’s vengeanceeeeee!” and start biting my neck.
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