NOBODY 21

“You think you suffered? I was the one who had to decide. I was asked to kill my own son. I’m the one who held him for a few minutes before they took him to the morgue, to decide the color of the coffin and what he was going to wear for eternity. You were not by me at the funeral or when I tried to keep our family together while you were hiding in that bloody room. I hold on for Antigone, and for our families and friends. Waiting for you. I cleaned up his room. Putting all the things we bought together in small blue boxes, his clothes, the toys. Where were you?” he catches his breath “When Dawn called saying you were going down for dinner we celebrated. We had chocolate ice-cream; sure you were coming back to us. Next thing I know you show up, take Antigone and move out. You closed the door and my life wasn’t there anymore. Have you ever stopped a second to think what I felt? Have you ever woken up in the night hearing someone screaming to find out it is you? That has been my world for the past year and a half. And now you manage to push me even lower. Robbie, for pity’s sake. I hate you” he stands up “I’m the one leaving now.”
I stay there, sitting on the floor sobbing. I hear him closing the door behind him.
And I weep and weep. I don’t know how long I’ve been there; my mobile keeps on ringing inside my handbag downstairs. At a certain point I even hear Dawn banging on the door “Emz, are you there? Honey if you are there open up, please, it’s me, I’m worried sick – Gary she’s not here, where can she be?” “We’ll find her, get in the car”.
I stand up leaning on the banister. *I guess that what it feels like when you die*. I walk down the stairs, very slowly. I’m dizzy. I leave the house and start walking along the street. I wrap up in my jacket and feel so lonely. It must be midnight when I get in front of the Ritz. By the way people in the hall look at me I must be a pathetic show. I get into the elevator and to Robbie’s room. I knock on the door and a man I’ve never seen before opens it. I walk in. Robbie is on the bed “Did you get stuck in London traffic? You were on your way here 5 hours ago”
“I’m sorry I…I…”
“It doesn’t matter”
“I cannot stay… I came to say goodbye”
“I know. I got the hint when you went to see him and not me, because that’s where you have been, with him, right?”
“I had to make sure he was ok”
“I didn’t touch him, I swear” and coughs.
I smile “I’m so sorry but I love him. I needed you to understand it. He’s my soul mate. I hurt him so much. He says he hates me but I need to try to get my life back”
“I know. I should have told you from the start”
“What?”
“I would have done the same thing. Coming to choose between you and a child, I would have done the same”
I walk by him and I kiss his forehead “Ouch, it hurts”
“I’m sorry”
“Me too”
I look around and sigh, “I left the house with nothing but my jacket. I need money for a taxi, I cannot take another step. I’m so tired”
“To be honest you look like shit. Enough crying now” and caresses my cheek with his thumb “I’ll give you a 50 but only if you promise not to use it to buy drugs”
“I won’t”
“I said enough crying”
“Right” and I wipe tears away with the sleeve of my jacket.
Catch a taxi and go to Howard’s house. Lights are off. I don’t have the keys. *spare ones hidden somewhere. By the wisteria. That’s where I used to keep them* I search in the dark and I find them.
I open the door. The house is silent and dark. It is a familiar territory; I can feel my way around. Go to the kitchen and take some ice from the fridge. I place it inside a small plastic bag and I head upstairs. I check on Antigone, she’s sleeping. I close her door and walk to the bedroom. I can see Howard’s body under the duvet. I take off my shoes and clothes and slip into the bed. He’s snuggled on his right side, facing me. I slide closer. He doesn’t move. I try to take his hands but he hides them between his legs and his chest. I stroke his hair and rest my forehead against his “I am sorry. I don’t know what possessed me. The way I treated you cannot be excused but I am here now. We are a family. I brought some ice, let me put it over your hands, you’ll feel better. We don’t need anymore scars. We’ve had enough. No more crying now, it’s the future ahead.” And I take his hands, he’s not putting up any resistance, I place the ice on them and he grunts “I’m so sorry, but it will pass. You’ll feel better. I promise”. Play with his curls “is it true? James had brown hair?” I feel him moving. Gets rid of the ice and he locks his fingers into mine. He whispers, “yes he had, he was so big, I think you would have had a c-section anyway. I was sitting by your bed; waiting for you to wake up when a nurse entered the room holding him. He was wrapped in a white blanket. She helped me to a rocking chair and let me hold him. He was so perfect. I even played with his fingers for a few minutes.” He chuckles “When it was time to give him back I walked to you. I pushed your sheet on the side, and I placed him on your belly. You did say goodbye”. “I’m so sorry I let you down. I just thought I could not bear the pain.” He shushes me and we simply lie there for a while, and then he wraps his arms around me and kisses me. No lust, but a new passion stronger than ever.

A year later

I’m at the Gucci store in Bond Street when my mobile rings, message.
“I’m at the Ritz. Need to see you NOW. Code words same as ever. Please come. Robbie”
I smile and I walk there in less than 5 minutes. I knock on his door. I hear a voice from behind it. “Who is it?”
“Italian tight ass here to see you Mr. Sponge Bob”
“You’re alone right? Tell me you left Myke Tyson at home”
“Robbie it’s me, just me, open up” and I laugh.
The door opens and he’s standing there, blue eyes and gorgeous smile. “God I’ve missed you. It has been so long”
“God you’re fat!” and hugs me
“I can’t breathe, I’m not fat, I’m pregnant, see? 34 weeks!” and I show him my large belly.
“That’s what all fat women say! Come in!” He caresses my belly “I’m so happy for you! You look fantastic!” he places his ear on it and starts talking to the baby “What did you say kid? Yes I know life sucks. Yes you’re right. It was just a matter of few months. I know Williams is a much better name than Donald but you’re mother is crazy. I mean, I’m younger, richer and more talented! And she chose Lisp Man over me” turns toward me “Boy or girl?”
“Robbie this is Mary, Mary this is Robbie”
“Hello Mary, I want you to know, the day you feel like hanging out with a true star uncle Robbie will be happy to put you up for as long as you wish”
“Robbie!” and I stroke his hair “I’m so glad you called me”
“I didn’t know if you would come”
“I’ve missed you”
“Me too.” He stands up “Boy, it feels like yesterday when you came to visit me in this very room and I kissed you”
“And I cried”
“Spoil sport! I asked you to come because there are two things we need to discuss. Number one I want my money back, plus interests, and second there’s something I want to give you. Nobody knows yet, except my mom and her family”
“Her family?”
“I’m getting married”
“Robbie that is great news! It was about time!” and we hug again “who is she?”
“I met her 6 months ago. She’s the one. Her name’s Sam. You’ll meet her at the wedding. I need you to be there. And it says” showing me the envelope “Emz + guest. It can be Howard if he wants to”
“He’ll come. I’ll probably have to sedate him but he will come.” I drink some water “Just out of curiosity, did you tell her the same Angelina Jolie story you told with me?”
“I’m hurt! I told you, she’s the one, I used George Clooney!”