I’m in the shower, hot water hitting my body the radio starts playing “Seven Nation Army”, so I stick my hand out, turn the volume up and start singing at the top of my voice.
I hear the bathroom door open and Julie steps in. Get to the radio and switch it off.
“Hey! White Stripes are gonna get you for that! You show no respect for art. You should be ashamed!” and keep on singing without the music in the background.
“I need to take a shower too, so move your ass. I need to get to work”
“Please do not miss any chance you have to remind me I’m unemployed”
“You’re not unemployed, you’re mental, there’s a difference. The position in the PR office is still available; I could get you an interview today if you want me to”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Don't want to hear about itEvery single one's got a story to tellEveryone knows about itFrom the Queen of England to the hounds of hell”
“Whatever! You have 30 seconds! And don’t forget about tonight. We’re meeting at 7 at the pub and then dinner. Gordon is bringing Peter, the friend I told you about. It is time you have a love life again”
“I have a love life; my weekly episode of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ gives me all the romance I need”
“I meant real romance. The real world. Real men. Do you remember them? They can be nice and warm.”
“and cheater, and hypocrites and liars”
“Time’s up” and flushes the toilet. And I scream.
“Pass me the towel. I’m perfectly happy with McDreamy, and don’t you say the right man will come along, ‘cause I think mine got lost in San Francisco.”
I walk into the kitchen, wearing a bathrobe. “It’s all yours, we run out of shampoo”
She’s about to tell me something when the phone rings. She mouths “We’re not done yet” while I pick it up.
30 minutes later she comes back, ready to go to work and asks “who was it so early in the morning?”
“The agency I sent my c.v. to. They might have job for me”
“You cannot be serious. You cannot waste your expertise and a very expensive PhD on being a nanny”
“I told you, I just want to enjoy my year-off. Which means I need to do something different and mind-free. Kids are easy. I’m a natural”
“Your wasting your time and brain, you won’t last a second”
“We’ll see. Apparently there’s a family who was impressed by my skills”
“I bet, my boss was too. The position is still open. Come” and she makes a Dart Vader voice “Luke, join the dark side of the force, we will make you more powerful than other Jedi knigh in the galaxy”
I laugh “No thanks” I look at the piece of paper I have in front of me. “By the way, do you think there is a chance there are two Gary Barlow in London? Because that’s where I’m going this afternoon.”
She drops her coffee mug on the floor. It smashes with a loud bang but she doesn’t care, already hyperventilating.
“Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god,”
“I got it. Calm down, you need to breathe”
“Gary, the love of my life, you know we are destined to be lovers, don’t you? It is true! Love does work in mysterious ways. Everything happened for a reason.” And she jumps like she had been bitten by a tarantula.
“I’m an international laughing stock so you can meet Gary Barlow?”
She’s not listening to a word I say “And you have his address” she tries to take it from my hand but I hide it in my pocket.
“Forget it! And you are happily engaged. Remember Gordon?”
“Screw him. It’s Gary we’re talking about”
“He’s married”
“I don’t mind. We’ll work on the details later. And you will take care of his children.” She opens her eyes wide “I’ll take your place. Beatrice it is perfect! I go there, pretending to be you, he’ll fall in love with me and I will take care of them. And after a while, once he gets rid of his wife, he’ll marry me, and have more children. Perfect”
“What about wasting one’s PhD, expertise… You would trade your job at the Tate to be a nanny?”
“OH! You’re such a baby! I can go to the Tate any time I want, it’s bloody free.” She’s holding my arms very tight.
“Need blood circulation”
“No, you need to take that job. Bea you have to promise me. You have to work for them. So I can come by and start seducing him. That is the perfect plan. Julie Barlow, sound perfect. I had all my sheets embroidered with JB initials back in the days”
“What do you mean ‘back in the days?”
“It’s TT fan code for ‘when they were big the first time around’. But what do you know; you were probably listening to horrible Italians songs. Your music taste sucks.”
I roll my eyes “Is there something I need to know about him?”
She looks at me like I’m some undetected living form “Gary Barlow was born January 20, 1971 in Frodsham, Cheshire. He is a singer, pianist, songwriter, bandleader and producer. He is a member of the boy band Take That and one of the most successful songwriters of the 1990s”
“Stop! You scare me. I don’t care about his bio. Are there topics I should avoid during the interview?”
“Italians! Look into my eyes, for no reason, no reason at ALL you can start humming a Robbie Williams’ song. I know you. You could easily do it but Robbie is a no-go. Do you understand? What was the first song you listened to this morning?”
“Candyman”
“Good, and we’ll stick to that one”
“No need to ask. But I don’t know if I am going to accept. They want someone 24/7 and I’m looking for a 9 to 5 job.”“Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god”
“You made it clear; you are a very religious girl”
“You could live under the same roof. Do you understand that is heaven? If you don’t take that job I’m gonna kill you”
“I wonder what you’re boss would think of you right now. I don’t think you’re in the right state of mind to purchase a 300.000 pounds painting”
“It’s an installation! Tate = modern art! You stupid renaissance geek” she checks her watch “I need to go, I’ll see you tonight and remember, he’s gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.”
“See you later Don Corleone”
I hear the bathroom door open and Julie steps in. Get to the radio and switch it off.
“Hey! White Stripes are gonna get you for that! You show no respect for art. You should be ashamed!” and keep on singing without the music in the background.
“I need to take a shower too, so move your ass. I need to get to work”
“Please do not miss any chance you have to remind me I’m unemployed”
“You’re not unemployed, you’re mental, there’s a difference. The position in the PR office is still available; I could get you an interview today if you want me to”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Don't want to hear about itEvery single one's got a story to tellEveryone knows about itFrom the Queen of England to the hounds of hell”
“Whatever! You have 30 seconds! And don’t forget about tonight. We’re meeting at 7 at the pub and then dinner. Gordon is bringing Peter, the friend I told you about. It is time you have a love life again”
“I have a love life; my weekly episode of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ gives me all the romance I need”
“I meant real romance. The real world. Real men. Do you remember them? They can be nice and warm.”
“and cheater, and hypocrites and liars”
“Time’s up” and flushes the toilet. And I scream.
“Pass me the towel. I’m perfectly happy with McDreamy, and don’t you say the right man will come along, ‘cause I think mine got lost in San Francisco.”
I walk into the kitchen, wearing a bathrobe. “It’s all yours, we run out of shampoo”
She’s about to tell me something when the phone rings. She mouths “We’re not done yet” while I pick it up.
30 minutes later she comes back, ready to go to work and asks “who was it so early in the morning?”
“The agency I sent my c.v. to. They might have job for me”
“You cannot be serious. You cannot waste your expertise and a very expensive PhD on being a nanny”
“I told you, I just want to enjoy my year-off. Which means I need to do something different and mind-free. Kids are easy. I’m a natural”
“Your wasting your time and brain, you won’t last a second”
“We’ll see. Apparently there’s a family who was impressed by my skills”
“I bet, my boss was too. The position is still open. Come” and she makes a Dart Vader voice “Luke, join the dark side of the force, we will make you more powerful than other Jedi knigh in the galaxy”
I laugh “No thanks” I look at the piece of paper I have in front of me. “By the way, do you think there is a chance there are two Gary Barlow in London? Because that’s where I’m going this afternoon.”
She drops her coffee mug on the floor. It smashes with a loud bang but she doesn’t care, already hyperventilating.
“Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god,”
“I got it. Calm down, you need to breathe”
“Gary, the love of my life, you know we are destined to be lovers, don’t you? It is true! Love does work in mysterious ways. Everything happened for a reason.” And she jumps like she had been bitten by a tarantula.
“I’m an international laughing stock so you can meet Gary Barlow?”
She’s not listening to a word I say “And you have his address” she tries to take it from my hand but I hide it in my pocket.
“Forget it! And you are happily engaged. Remember Gordon?”
“Screw him. It’s Gary we’re talking about”
“He’s married”
“I don’t mind. We’ll work on the details later. And you will take care of his children.” She opens her eyes wide “I’ll take your place. Beatrice it is perfect! I go there, pretending to be you, he’ll fall in love with me and I will take care of them. And after a while, once he gets rid of his wife, he’ll marry me, and have more children. Perfect”
“What about wasting one’s PhD, expertise… You would trade your job at the Tate to be a nanny?”
“OH! You’re such a baby! I can go to the Tate any time I want, it’s bloody free.” She’s holding my arms very tight.
“Need blood circulation”
“No, you need to take that job. Bea you have to promise me. You have to work for them. So I can come by and start seducing him. That is the perfect plan. Julie Barlow, sound perfect. I had all my sheets embroidered with JB initials back in the days”
“What do you mean ‘back in the days?”
“It’s TT fan code for ‘when they were big the first time around’. But what do you know; you were probably listening to horrible Italians songs. Your music taste sucks.”
I roll my eyes “Is there something I need to know about him?”
She looks at me like I’m some undetected living form “Gary Barlow was born January 20, 1971 in Frodsham, Cheshire. He is a singer, pianist, songwriter, bandleader and producer. He is a member of the boy band Take That and one of the most successful songwriters of the 1990s”
“Stop! You scare me. I don’t care about his bio. Are there topics I should avoid during the interview?”
“Italians! Look into my eyes, for no reason, no reason at ALL you can start humming a Robbie Williams’ song. I know you. You could easily do it but Robbie is a no-go. Do you understand? What was the first song you listened to this morning?”
“Candyman”
“Good, and we’ll stick to that one”
“No need to ask. But I don’t know if I am going to accept. They want someone 24/7 and I’m looking for a 9 to 5 job.”“Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god”
“You made it clear; you are a very religious girl”
“You could live under the same roof. Do you understand that is heaven? If you don’t take that job I’m gonna kill you”
“I wonder what you’re boss would think of you right now. I don’t think you’re in the right state of mind to purchase a 300.000 pounds painting”
“It’s an installation! Tate = modern art! You stupid renaissance geek” she checks her watch “I need to go, I’ll see you tonight and remember, he’s gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.”
“See you later Don Corleone”
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