SPARKS 12

I’m at window, looking at them all getting in a car and heading to the London Zoo. I decide to call Julie.
“Hello stranger”
“You sound much better than this morning”
“We’re friends now”
“Friends as Rachel and Joey in the first episodes of the last season or friends as Phoebe and Chandler?”
“I would expect a better metaphor from you.”
“What can I say; it is my favorite TV series. What are doing?”
“I’m free; they’re all going to the Zoo. Coming back in a couple of hours. Want to meet for a coffee?”
“I’m on my way to the hairdresser”
“Friends come before hair”
“You’re saying it because you haven’t seen me yet. I’m heading to King’s Road, what about the Italian café in Duke of York square?”
“Be right there”

We order our coffees.
“This is your first and last working week-end right?”
“Yes Madam!”
“Good because I miss my shopping buddy … Antonio is worried about you”
“Everyone seems to be worried about me. I feel like the village idiot. I’m fine”
“Hi, I don’t think we have met before, I’m Julie and I can read your stupid mind. Howard didn’t leave a good impression on the crew”
“You can spread the word; there is nothing to worry about. He’s ignoring me. Whatever he felt for me he took a magic pill and got rid of it. Hurray”
“Are you sure?”
“He looks at me with the same passion you look at your Brussels sprouts. He calls me Mary Poppins, is there anything less sensual that her?”
“Herpes maybe? By the way Sir William Clifton called me this morning”
“You talked to uncle Will? Why?”
“He’s thinking about donating two Hopper to the gallery and wanted to ask me if we could meet sometime next week”
“He’s giving up two of his children? That is a surprise”
“I suspect it was an excuse to ask me about you, he said you haven’t called him in 4 weeks. He’s really worried”
“He must be. Two Hopper, he must be devastated. What did you tell him?”
“You’re sailing off the coast of Myanmar”
“With Caro”
“And Felix”
“Are we having fun?”
“A blast”
“Do I have all my Aveda hair care product with me? I hate when my hair gets all blonde because of the sun ad the sea”
“You do” looks at me “what are you doing?”
“Taking notes, I have this fantasy world I live in and I need as many details as possible to make it believable”
“We need to work on your mood; I can’t see you like that on my wedding day”
“Why not, I’ll be your something blue. Have you told Caro I’m with her? Uncle Will loves fact-check.”
“Yes, I called her on Felix’s precious satellite mobile”
“Did she pick up? He doesn’t let anyone touching it”
“I sent her a text saying, ‘Gary freaking Barlow sang happy birthday to me’. She called me after 5 seconds sharp! I was telling her about our night at the Colossus when Felix started screaming in the background to cut the phone call short, it is to be used for emergency only and so on and so forth and then he hung up on me”
“How rude”
“I know, I was describing what Howard was wearing, that is an emergency right?”
“I think it is listed as a top priority in all communication protocols”
“So I finished my breakfast and Caro called me back”
“Did she throw Felix overboard?”
“No, she told me she tricked him in some kinky stuff. Had him blindfolded and tied up to the bedpost so she could use the satellite phone”
“Wicked”
“I know. Anyway we are on the same page and she says if you hear of Robbie coming back just call her and she’ll jump on the first flight to London”
“Isn’t she on her honeymoon?”
“Take That first”
“Do I have any normal girlfriend?”
“I fear not, and this Howard thing is for the best”
“I was supposed to be the first one to get married this year. She’s on her honeymoon, you’ll be soon. Tricia is the proud mother of two twins and I am stuck here, in no man’s land. Have you realized I am your last single girlfriend? I turn around and there’s no one behind me. I’m the last one in queue. By the time I get to the counter all the good ones will be taken. So tell me, how this Howard thing is for the best?” and I cross my arms.
She smiles. “Easy. During lunch I was trying to picture in my mind him meeting your family”
“Shut up”
“I knew it! I should have brought finger puppets. It would have been funnier, anyway.” And she moves her two index fingers pretending they’re real people “First stop, the mansion in Belgravia to meet your uncle, Lord our-genealogy-goes-back-to-William-the-Conqueror-dear Clifton. Just picture the moment Howard opens his mouth and a horrified expression appears on you uncle’s face. I bet once the butler hears the thick Mancunian accent he would show him the servants’ rooms”
“He would not”
“Yeah, right! Or even better! He could ask Howard about his personal life and he would say I have 2 daughters and your uncle would add so you were married and he would answer no and he would reply how providential we don’t use the word bastard anymore”
She’s still moving her fingers, doing funny voices and I laugh totally picturing the scene.
“Second stop on Howard’s horror tour would be … father” and she starts humming ‘The Ride of the Valkyries’ music. “You drive up to your renaissance villa, the cypress along the road, the vineyard and the sunflowers. All your precious ancestors hanging on the walls. Father would tell him few anecdotes on how your family shaped Italian history and would encourage him to talk about his. This is my favorite part! Howard would say my dad taught Latin-American dancing and my mum used to be a singer. At this point father could probably choke but we know he doesn’t easily give up and would say something sensitive and understanding like there’s nothing wrong about being self-made man, where did you study? And Howard again, school wasn’t really my thing. I only passed three subjects: English, maths and geography. I was more into break-dancing. Here father is looking at you, trying to figure out how many electroshocks will be needed to get your back to your senses. But Howard would not shut up and add something like I used to paint cars before I showed my naked bottom on stage singing Relight my Fire. And that is the very moment when father has the aneurism.”
And I spit my coffee on the table laughing.
“Stop calling him ‘father’! I’m the only one allowed to do it! And the amount of information you have on Howard’s life is disturbing”
“Can we do the tour anyway? I bet if you write him a check he would forget about the Brussels sprouts appeal and accept to meet them. It could be my wedding present. Please? Pretty please?”
My mobile rings, it’s a text from Dawn “taking the kids to the movies. You’re free.”
“Hurray!”