SPARKS 26

I push him away, he looks at me surprised. I’m slowly and painfully coming back to my senses “are you gonna leave her?”
“Honey I’m sorry, I can’t” tries to look into my eyes but this time I am keeping my head down
“But you said you would” *am I begging him? I do not beg. I wasn’t raised like that. We don’t beg, ever. He called me honey* We keep our voices down, we don’t want anyone to hear.
“Let me explain”
“Put your pants back on because I am about to throw you out”
“No, listen to me; we can get through this together”
“It’s already the two of you and I think it would be too crowded if I’d join”
He tries to hug me, I push him away scratching his cheek first, hitting his chest with my fists. He doesn’t care, he has no intention to give up and he is really strong.
“Listen to me, I beg of you, you don’t understand, I do have responsibilities”
*can’t listen to another word* “Just a second, give me just a second” I’m catching my breath “I can’t do this like that” look around and I see my shorts. He nods and lets me pick them off the floor. I put them on. He takes the chance to wear his too.
That is the moment I was waiting for, I run to the door and I fling it open. The corridor is empty “out, I mean it. Can’t look at you right now. Out.” My voice is getting weaker each word I say ‘out, please, can’t do it right now… You promised… Tomorrow, we can talk tomorrow”
He keeps his head down and walks by me “promise me we’ll talk tomorrow, I can explain. What we have is … you know, it was love at first sight, it might sound old cliché, but I cannot give it up. I need to explain. I know you will understand”. He tries to caress my hair but I turn away.
I am not even listening “out” I hiss and I close the door behind him.

I finish packing my things; while I throw a couple of t-shirts in my bag my notebook falls on the floor and opens up. I write my thoughts in it, last entry, yesterday, when Howard left my room and I was ready to go to Jason’s party. Lot’s of stupid smiling faces. The page in front of me is one I wrote almost two years ago. I like copying words, sentences and entire pages from books I love. My eyes scan the page, “The English Patient”, I smile to myself. I rip it and fold it in four. I sit on the bed waiting for this night to be over.
I take my bag down, it’s only 6.45 but it seems like someone is up already.
I open the door of the kitchen and I see my favorite woman in the whole world sipping her coffee. I sigh, too late to go back. I walk by her and pour myself some coffee. She doesn’t say a word; I think I saw a hint of a smile on her face. *if she looks sympathetic it means I’m hitting an all time low and hence I am the most pathetic woman ever*. She walks to the window and taps on it. I realize Howard is standing outside, smoking, Emily running around him in circles. He sees me, puts his cigarette out and smiles. Emily sees me too and runs inside jumping into my arms. The moment Howard steps into the kitchen she says “have you heard? Uncle Howard is having another baby”
And the whole room freezes but Emily continues “isn’t it fantastic? I am going to have another cousin” and caresses my hair
I look at him, I cannot speak *he does have responsibilities* I put her back on the floor, I don’t know where to look or what to do. The room spins around me. And that is the moment I feel her hand on my shoulder “we should go out, some fresh her will do you good”.
Howard takes a step toward me but Dawn stops him, “not now” she mouths.
We walk outside “I am sorry”
“Whatever”, I can’t recognize my voice
“I mean it. I knew. That’s what I was trying to tell you. I called her the day after Howard came back to London. She told me they had a major fight and she did not have the courage to tell him she was pregnant”
My mind is about to explode “…he didn’t know”
“No, she wanted to wait few days; she thought coming here would do them good. When she saw the two of you together she panicked. She told him last night, during the party, you saw them”
“I need to go” the lump in my throat is about to choke me
“Can I arrange for your transportation?”
“No, I’m fine”
We stay there, there is nothing else it needs to be said, I run my fingers through my hair trying not to sniff “can I ask you to do something for me?”
“Of course” she says, perfect, sweet, happy Dawn
“I need you to keep him away from me. I need to leave, I’m not sure I can if he talks to me. If he touches me. You cannot give him my number or Julie’s, I need to simply disappear from his life”
She nods.
“Once I’m gone, can you give him this?” and I hand her the page from my notebook.
She takes it and goes back inside. I take my bag and walk to the heliport.
The helicopter is there already, a big man in black jumps off and welcomes me. “Morning Lady Clifton, my name’s James, I am here to take you home”. He takes my bag and has me sitting inside. He gives the pilot the order to take off. The helicopter blades starts spinning, we are half way into the air when I see Howard running toward us. I cannot hear him but I can see he’s calling my name. James looks at me, asking me what we should do. I stare at Howard, his arms in the air, “home” I whisper.
We transfer from the helicopter to the plane in Naples, once I am comfortably sitting by the window I close my eyes and picture Howard, on the beach, sitting on the warm sand, trying to read my horrible handwriting

‘There are betrayals in war that are childlike compared to human betrayals during peace. The new lover enters the habits of the other. Things are smashed, revealed in new light. This is done with nervous or tender sentences, although the heart is an organ of fire.
A love story is not about those who lose their heart but about those who find that sullen inhabitant who, when it is stumbled upon, means the body can foul no one, can fool nothing – not the wisdom of sleep or the habit of social graces. It is a consuming of oneself and the past’


Two hours later we land in London. I walk out of the plane and I see uncle Will waiting for me by the car. I run into his arms and I bury my face in his chest. He laughs “you were eager to see me!”
I don’t answer him; I enjoy the smell of his clean shirt and aftershave. The fact he is so perfect and proper has always given me a sense of security. London is my safehouse. So different from Italy, where everything is so vague. Life left our house so long ago dust is covering every little surface of it. We walk around the ancient walls like ghosts. No matter how hard I try father would never admit we’re still alive.
“Let’s go home Beatrice, unless you prefer to stay at Julie’s”
I shake my head “no please, I don’t want to see anyone but you”

We get home and I run to my room. Take my shoes off and I bury myself under the covers. Martin knocks on the door and enters “would you like anything to eat?”
I don’t bother to uncover my face “no, I need to rest; I don’t want to see or talk to anyone. I’ll come out when I am ready”
He closes the door and the rest is silence and darkness.

My uncle is sitting on the sofa; Caro and Julie are standing in front of him.
“She made it very clear she doesn’t want to see anyone, whatever happened in Salina hurt her even more than what happened with Paolo.”
“We just need to see her” they answer
“Do you think you can convince her to come out of her bed? She hasn’t talked to me, eaten properly or showered in almost a week now”
Julie rolls her eyes “I am positive”
He smiles at her. “We don’t need you to show us the way, we remember where her room his” adds Caro and they march my direction.
My door flings open with a loud bang against the wall. “Look what we have here Julie, Sleeping fucking Beauty”
I bury my face in the pillow and hold on to my covers like my life depends on it, Caro can be scary sometimes.
Someone opens the window letting fresh air in *that is bad, bad karma, I need to sink all the way down before I come up for air again*
“Get up!”
“SHE SAID GET UP”
I don’t move, if I play dead maybe they will leave *yeah right*
Two hands start pulling my covers, I resist.
“Caro wait, let’s see if we can do this right”, she mumbles something in reply and I feel two bodies sitting on my bed “we will let you keep your stupid Linus’ security blanket if you talk to us”
“Screw diplomacy, I’ll throw her into the shower and then we’ll talk”
*I am so not needed in their conversation*
“I’ll count to 5 and I’ll unleash Caro” Julie says to me in a very charming tone.
I sigh “leave me alone”
“Sure, that’s what we’re going to do, together with witnessing hell freezing and Gordon come up with a decent joke” Julie replies.
Caro pulls my covers again
“Alright, I will talk to you, but I get to stay here, safe and covered”
“Fine”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea, I say let’s throw her into the shower, she smells bad, what are you wearing dear, Eau de Sewer?”
*must not laugh at Caro’s joke*
“What do you want to know?”
“Who killed JFK! What do you think? We were thinking to wait for the full report before breaking McHorny’s legs”
I sigh and words come out from my mouth like a river in flood “He shagged me, put his pants back on and said he’s going to stay with her because I’m a one night stand and she’s the love of his life. It was just a stupid bet he made with Gary. I think they call it ‘nail the nanny’. Happy now?” *considering the lack of planning this is not bad at all, I’m pretty good actually*
“I’ll kill him, I’ll kill both of them. I thought they were different.” She is really disappointed
“No please, I just want to forget about him. You should do the same. I’ll survive *getting better any minute* promise me you won’t look for him”
“Never used the verb looking, hunting him down is what I had in mind”
I sit on the bed, pulling the covers off my head, the light makes me blink
“You look like shit”
“Thanks”
“So McHorny is a contemptible pig. Why are you letting him do that to you? Where’s your self-esteem?”
“I flushed it down the toilet the day before yesterday”
Caro pulls the cover off my bed and grabs my arm.
I look at her and scream “What are you doing? Let me go! I talked to you, let me go! Julie help me!”
She ignores me while Caro is dragging me to the bathroom and pushes me into the shower. A stream of cold water hits my body. I scream.
“Good Bea, scream, let it all out, because from now on you’re done mourning for the bastard”
We all lay on my bed, sharing one pillow “Can you imagine? I’m getting married next Saturday” Julie whispers “that is a major event”
*I forgot about it* I hold her hand “we’re going to celebrate you the right way and you are going to be happy ever after”
“And we are going to find you” and Caro playfully pulls my wet hair “a decent man. I’ll go through the list of Felix’s friends. I’ll select someone up to your standards, a bloody prince charming!”
I sigh “Jason was prince charming”
They both look at me “how did he look?”
“H-O-T” and we burst in a fit of laughter
“Was he any good?”
“Jason’s very polite”
Julie smack my arm “You know what I mean”
I close my eyes and I stupid smile appears on my face “he is very good …very good …a pro…”
“Bea, back to heart, NOW!” and claps her hands two inches away from my nose “We don’t care, you are over him, we are over him. McHorny is history and Lady Beatrice Clifton-Corsini is back in the dating game”
“I’m thinking about becoming a lesbian”
They laugh “Of course you are, I was wondering, what your uncle would say if I’d tell him all this sorrow is caused by a plebeian pop-star?”
“With a lisp”
“And the manners of a goat”
“But a bum so perfect it can almost talk”
“He would have a heart attack”
“And you would inherit all of this” and she points at the room meaning the house
“Yep, I’m the one and only heir, of both lineages. I am the last one, I feel like Christopher Lambert in Highlander”
Julie laughs and looks at me “you’re quite a catch”
“Indeed”
“So I’ll call off the wedding, become a lesbian and marry you”
“We are not selling the Picasso”
“I’ll kill you and then I’ll sell it”
“I guess you could do that. I haven’t bought a dress for your wedding yet”
“Let’s go shopping then”