SPARKS 27

Lots of shopping bags scattered on the floor of my bedroom, my credit card is probably more tired than I am. I sit on the bed, staring at my mobile phone. I’ve been thinking about him all day, anything I do, everywhere I go I think of him. Never felt like this before. *Oh God, I’m starting to sound like one of Gary’s lyrics* The mobile stares back at me, or at least it’s what I think.
I pick it up and dial the number, my heart beats fast and I have trouble breathing
“Hello?”
“…Ciao Dawn, Bea’s speaking….” I pause, running out of words already. I regret having called her.
“Bea, how are you?” she sounds concerned
“Sort of surviving I guess…”
“Good to hear …”
“How are the kids?”
“Fine, we have a new nanny, they adore her”
“Good…” *you can do this, come on* “…how is he?”
“Bea I don’t think it’s wise for us to talk about him”
“Please, I just need you to tell me something, anything you want. What was he wearing today? See, minor details. I need to picture him in my mind” I sigh *I can feel the word pathetic being tattooed on my forehead*
She doesn’t sound happy “hold on” I hear a door open and close “a black and green t-shirt and jeans”
“Is he there?” butterflies in my stomach, I’m so so demented, I’m excited like he’s about to walk through my door any minute.
“Yes, he’s in the living room talking to Gary. They are laughing really. He moved back into his apartment yesterday but he’s already thinking about selling it and find a bigger one, you know, with the new baby and everything”
If I check I’m sure I’m bleeding somewhere “thanks”. It’s a small word but I’m sure she can tell I’m fighting the tears
“No problem. You know you did the right thing. Honestly, even if he leaves her, what is it going to happen next? Passion fades away and he would blame you for missing out on his children’s lives. I know her; she would make him pay, big time. And it would be your fault. He was devastated when he broke up with Victoria and had to leave Grace behind. He cannot not do it again. Believe me. You are both adults and you need to accept your responsibilities”
…the train heading my direction just hit me and little pieces of me are scattered all over the place “I know” I whisper
“I have to go now” and she hangs up.
I close my eyes and try to picture him on the brown sofa, holding Emily on his lap, smiling; he’s only a 20 minutes drive away. I lie on the bed and cover my face with the pillow.

Dawn goes back to the leaving room and the picture I have in mind is very far from reality. Howard is lying on the sofa, barefoot, covering his face with his hands.
“I made you a sandwich, you need to eat something”
He doesn’t bother to answer
“Doug, she is right, we have to perform tonight, and you’ll never make it if you don’t eat something”
“I’m not going”
“Yes you are, James will come and pick us up in a few minutes. We need to check the sound system and the lights before going on stage”
“Screw the Opera House. Give me her number” he asks Dawn
“I don’t have it”
“Liar”
“I told you already. I knew you would ask for it, so I deleted it”
“Tell me what office Julie works in then”
“Again, I don’t remember”
“Maybe we should call the Tate and see what they say” Gary suggests. Dawn gives him a killer look.
“Did it already, do you know how many Julies work there? More than 50. I went all the way to the gallery, thinking maybe I could just wait for her to show up. There are 5 different entrances to the bloody building”
“You went there?” Dawn is surprised
He sighs “I hope my pathetic existence amuses you. I also stormed into the agency you used to hire her yesterday. They threatened to call the police, something about privacy and similar bullshits”
“Just focus on the new baby Howard”
Gary takes her hand and shushes her “not now Dawn, could you please leave us alone?”
She pats Howard’s head and goes upstairs. Gary says to him “You need to pull yourself together Doug. I know you don’t want to hear it, but this is for the best. You go back to your family, and she goes on with her life”
Howard takes his hands off his face and looks at him in the eyes, he seems really tired “Don’t you think I know very well what I am supposed to do and what everyone expects me to do? You stay there, looking at me, with your picture perfect family in the background pretending to know what it’s like to be in love and torn apart. Because that’s who I am Gaz”

Uncle Will finds me still lying on my bed a half an hour later, “are you wearing your green gown tonight?”
I look at him, “to go where?”
He sits by me and caresses my hair “the charity dinner at the Royal Opera House, the one organized for Princess Diana’s memorial fund. I told you yesterday”
I do my Bambi’s voice “Please, let’s stay home, I’m not ready to meet all your friends, and smile, and do small talk, and smile some more and pretend everything is fine. Let’s stay home, you and me”
“No” he smiles “you owe it to me, many people are eager to see you again”
I hug him “Pretty please, I’ll be good, let me stay”
“I have two words for you, Edward – Hopper”
I look at him “It’s one person”
“Yes, but they are both gone, the two paintings I had. And I’m blaming you. If you had bothered calling me at least once in 4 months my babies would still be here with me instead of being on display in a museum. And Julie lied to me too. Telling me you were sailing! Where have you been all this time?”
I look away.
“I have a little something for you” and he gives me a blue box.
I sit on the bed and clap my hands “Beatrice loves shiny things, lots of them! And Beatrice loves Tiffany’s sparkling stuff especially”
He kisses my forehead while I open it and I am speechless “…the Tiffany Rose double drop pendant...”
“You must be the only woman knowing their catalogue by heart” he laughs “I hope you like it”
“Diamonds, platinum, and pearls. What’s not to like?” and I hug him
“So you are coming”
I smile and nod “But you need to promise to stay by me all the time”
“Haven’t I always been by you?”
“Yes you have, I would have been lost without you”
“So talk to me, who did that to you?”
“Can’t talk about it yet”
He stands up and sighs, “Whenever you’re ready. We’ll leave in two hours; I will be waiting for you downstairs”

We get to Royal Opera House and I play nervously with my new necklace. I breathe deep and we enter the main hall. It is already crowded. Many known faces. We walk side by side. One of the first things he taught me when I was a child was to walk and keep a straight face while commenting about the people around. Smile graciously and nod so you can get away with as much gossip as you wish too. “Uncle Will don’t leave me, I beg of you” he smiles and nods to a friend of his “I’m right here”, and places his hand at the base of my spine, “just don’t forget to breathe”
“Too late, Calliope Carter is pointing at us, can’t do it, can’t do it, can’t do it”
“Breathe and smile, smile and breathe” he whispers to me and welcomes her “Calliope, my dear, you look younger every day, what is your secret?”
“I have no secrets, I just live a healthy life my dear!”
I cough-*botox*. He squeezes my side and I smile “Hello Mrs. Carter, so good to see you again”
“My dear Beatrice, I’m so glad you could make it. I was starting to worry about you. You literally disappeared from the face of the world”
I am about to answer her when he says “She did not, can you keep a secret Calliope?” That’s what she was waiting for, I can tell she’s jumping off her skin. I must admit he is good at this game “there is a painting I really want to buy and she has been trying to convince its proud owner to sell it to me. She was on secret mission for her old uncle”
She laughs, “You are not old William” and turns her attention to me “my Albert will be so disappointed to hear you came. He’s so busy he just couldn’t make it tonight. Do you remember him dear? You used to be best friends when you were children”
*keep on smiling, you’re brain is dead but we need to focus on more important issues right now* I smile politely “I wouldn’t call it being best friends; we spent a summer together in Scotland. I remember he used to chase me around the house with a baseball bat scaring me to death and he killed my cat”
She freezes “My Albert! He was a very lively little boy, and he is a fine young man now”
“I’m sure he is, I think I was supposed to see him at Felix and Caro’s wedding two months ago but for some reasons he couldn’t make it”
I gave her a reason to show off, I’ve been trained well “he just got this huge promotion and had to work for his New York office for three weeks. He’s back in town now, I’ll ask him to call you, so you can get together and catch up”
“I’d love to” *considering the highlight of my week is watching TT old videos and daydream about my Gromit… miss my Gromit… a lot, I SAID focus*
Uncle Will rubs my arm as a reward; I can tell he’s very proud of his well behaved niece. We excuse ourselves and move toward another group of guest, we are like two skaters dancing on the ice-rink, moving as we are one body “you did very well Beatrice”
“I’m a pro”
“She would probably kill her precious Albert only to have the chance of marrying him into our family. You do represent her ultimate lift in London social scale. She’s dying for a title”
“Which I have”
“While they have money, lots of it”
“Are you selling me off?”
“Thinking about it” he laughs “Almost there … next target approaching. Smile and show time” and we are back greeting people and doing small talk.
I’m so focused on being nice to almost perfect strangers I haven’t noticed someone is staring at me on the opposite side of the room.
“We are performing right after Elton, which gives us an hour to walk around and bond” Gary says and laughs. He sees the looks on his face “I told you to eat something; you look like you’ve just seen a ghost Doug”
Howard slightly moves his head pointing to my direction, Gary eventually sees me “what the hell is she doing here?”
Howard is holding his glass tight, Gary knows what it means “calm down mate, maybe it’s not her; she’s just someone who looks like her, that would make sense. It’s not so usual having nannies at VIPs gatherings”
Howard’s voice is low and angry, “I have been looking for her high and low since she left Salina. I got no sleep, no peace thinking how I could make it up to her. And look at her, standing there like a bloody Barbie doll, hair done and wearing shit she cannot afford”
“I’m sure it’s not what it seems”
He narrows his eyes “cut it Gaz, I’m not stupid. When she told me Dawn had fired her I offered her my help and she refused. She almost laughed at me, at the time I thought she didn’t want to me to think of her as a gold digger. That morning she left the island with a private helicopter. She has had back-up plan all along. I’m so, so stupid. While I was falling in love with her she had her sugar daddy taking care of things back home. Look at the way he holds her” and he takes few steps ahead when Gary grabs his arm “what do you think you’re doing? We are here to work, you cannot make a scene”
He doesn’t look at him “Look at her necklace, I guess old rich pervert beats fucking idiot”
“You need to calm down, let’s go out mate”
He doesn’t move “look at her, smiling and chatting, then look at me and tell me it’s not what it seems. It’s like I was never there”
“I’m so sorry Doug”
“Not as much as she will be in a moment” hands him his glass and walks my direction.
“Doug don’t…” but he knows there’s no stopping him now.