SPARKS 29

“What did you call her?”
“Oh Please! Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. Do you do it too? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to judge you. I know life is so expensive nowadays and you need to buy yourselves nice things. I bet that poor fiancé of yours has no clue who he’s marrying. Maybe I should give him a call”
She grabs his arm “whatever you smoked or swallowed was clearly not good. You should be ashamed of yourself and … You do you think you are to talk to me like that? Fuck you Howard”
“I just love it when a woman talks dirty. You’re turning me on love. Just like your precious and expensive friend. I know, I should have carried more cash, my bad. I hate missing chances like that. So unfortunate. Maybe next time.”
“What are you talking about?” she is really angry now
“Don’t give me that look, I’m sure she told you we met”
Her hand falls from his arm, her mouth opens “…you met her?”
“Keeping secrets eh? Maybe she’s not the friend you think she is. Let me tell you, she’s one deceitful bitch”
“Call her that one more time and I am going to shove that hanger you’re holding up your body. I’ll use your secret passage and I guarantee you won’t like it”
“What’s the word then, call girl, prostitute? You choose it, I don’t care. I would like chatting with you but I need to finish shopping, Grace is coming tonight”
She moves to the right so he cannot go trough “Howard, really, what are you talking about? It’s you the one who used her and left her. She was devastated when she came back from Italy. And now you are standing here and calling her names. Who do you think you are?”
“Used her?” he sneers. But his face turns very serious, his voice low “I made love to her, I felt in love with her, but our timing sucks, Marie’s pregnant again. Didn’t she tell you? I didn’t know, I didn’t. I wanted to talk to her, explain, find a solution, together, but she has someone else paying her bills already. She made it very clear. Do you remember the night at the Greek restaurant, when you told me she was out of my league? You were right; I’m not rich enough or old enough for her. She’s one expensive bi…lady”
She stares at him and cries “BEATRICE! I’m gonna so kick your sorry Italian ass you won’t be able to sit down for months missy”. Howard looks back at her surprised, she takes the t-shirts off his arm and puts them on a rack “no shopping for you Mr. Donald, we don’t have time. I have a plane to catch, a hen night to celebrate and a wedding, my wedding, to go to” she checks her watch “come with me, I buy you coffee and I’ll tell you a story”. She takes his hand and drags a very surprised Howard to the restaurant on the upper floor of the store and sit by the window.
“There is nothing you can say to change my mind, I saw her, them”
She’s smiling “who did you see? Where and when?
“At the Opera House charity dinner, 3 days ago, your precious friend and her sugar daddy. God, his hands were all over her. They made me sick”
“You said you love her, how come you did not look for her when she came back to London?”
“I DID” and bangs his fist on the table, the few people in the restaurant area turn around, he smiles at them and lowers his voice “the only one who had her number and yours is Dawn and she refused to give them to me. The agency who got her the job threatened to call the police if I ever go back to their offices and there are more than 50 Julies working for the bloody Tate. It all sounds like looking for someone to me.”
“To me too” she says in a very dreamy tone and kisses him on the cheek “this is so romantic, I want it too! That is so unfair, there was no drama in my story with Gordon, I feel cheated”
“You are crazy. Like her, seriously, you need to see a doctor, a good one. I’m out of here”
She takes his hand “don’t you want to hear my story now?”
He looks at her and sighs “it depends, does it have a happy ending?”
“A fairy tale one, trust me”
He sits back down “if you lie to me I’ll have to kill you, you do realize it don’t you?”
“No problem” and smirks “the man you saw with her was tall, grey hair, the manners of a king and a friendly smile?”
“Didn’t smile at me”
“So it’s him. You saw her with Lord William Clifton, her uncle”
“I said no lies”
“Beatrice is a lady, a real one, in two different countries. Her mother was Charlotte Clifton, a Clifton like the ones quoted in your school books. Her father is Cosimo Corsini. An aristocratic nutcase who spends his life among books, mourning his beloved wife and ignoring his daughter. Beatrice grew up in a renaissance villa just outside Florence. You know some people have a family tree? She has the Amazon forest”
“Why didn’t she say anything about it? We spent time together, she never … she said something about her mother but …”
“She was on a break from her life. She wanted to see if she could make it on her own but she felt in love with you”
“She’s in love?”
“You are not that bright, aren’t you love? But we need to focus on more important things right now. She’s in Scotland trying to save my marriage from my mother in law’s clutches. Come with me, I’m catching a flight later. Come to the wedding, you could be her date, that would be so romantic”
“I can’t, Grace is coming to spend the week-end, it’s a cosmic conspiracy” and rests his head on the table. Julie runs his fingers through his hair. He jumps at her touch and looks at her surprised.
She covers her mouth with her hand “Ops! Sorry, that was out of line, but I couldn’t help it. You are one fine piece of meat – shit I cannot believe I said it out loud! Shit again!”
Howard laughs, “I don’t care, you can do anything you want, I think I love you Julie and we are going to name our first child after you. I promise”
“Take me to the airport and we can talk some more”
“At your service”
Howard is driving her to the City Airport “She’s coming back on Sunday, her flights arrives at 8 p.m. at Gatwick. It’s a BA flight from Edinburgh. You could just pick her up. I can see roses… yes! Red ones, lots of them.”
“I will” and laughs some more “but don’t tell her we met. I want it to be a surprise. If she came up with all those lies it means there’s something upsetting her.”
“Like the fact your girlfriend is pregnant you mean, yes” she rubs her chin pretending to think about it “I can see your point, there could be something upsetting her, I just wish I could put my finger on it”
“It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t! I just need to talk to her, understand what the right thing to do is. I don’t want to risk losing her again”
“I was supposed to kick her sorry arse… I won’t be able to do it without giving her an explanation… I think”
“You’ll be able to do it when you came back from your honeymoon, I promise”
“I hope I can make it… maybe if I could concentrate on happy feelings. Do you know what would put me in a very good mood? You talking Gary into shagging me!”
“I don’t think I can do that”
“Mark?”
“Same as above”
“Jason?”
“Maybe….”
“Yes!” and she throw her arms into the air hitting the ceiling “But mind my words! If while I’m away you meet someone named Caro DO NOT LISTEN TO HER. No matter what she says she did not win our bet and she doesn’t get to shag anyone of you before I do”
“I don’t think I want to know what you’re talking about. Good thing we are almost there”
“Want to talk to her?” and she take her mobile out of her handbag
“Our plan? Not to let her know I know? Does it ring a bell?”
“I forgot! Sorry, have I mentioned I am getting married in two days? But I can call her, put her on speaker phone and have her saying stuff about you. What do you think?”
“I’m so naming our first child after you”


She gives him her evil eyes and dials my number.
“Prontoooooooooooooo Brideeeeeee. How are you?”
“I’m fine, more than fine, fine and finer”, winks at Howard and
puts me on speaker phone
“I’m here with the girls and we are planning on breaking any previous record of rounds by the hour… where was I? Ah! Ever drank in a pub in the glorious country of Scotland! Cheers! Is Scotland technically a country? Must check…”
“Are you drunk Bea?”
“Of course not! Who do you think I am? But can you keep a secret?”
She laughs to cover Howard’s laugh “Of course I can”
“I can see dead people….”
“Oh God! You do realize we will have to take care of all last minute crises tomorrow, don’t you? You’re going to be wasted and useless. Are Caro and Tricia with you?”
“Hang on, I need to check ….oooooppppssssssss” and they hear a loud BONK
Giggles …. “Julie, it’s Caro, wait I’ll put you on speaker phone, hoping you can hear us, this place is crowded with HOT Scottish men!” Cheering in the background
“Ciao Julie, Tricia’s speaking… and I am NOT drunk”
“Yeah right! What happened to Bea?”
More giggles “she felt under the table but she’s back with us now. Bea don’t eat that, what is it? Where did you find it?” Tricia is such a mother goose
“Under the table…looks good, I just need to scrape this sticky stuff off and it’s perfect, Food, glorious food!”Caro joins me and we sing “We're anxious to try it.Three banquets a dayOur favorite diet”
Julie looks at Howard and whispers “singing Oliver is the ultimate step to total oblivion”
“Is there someone with you Julie?” Tricia asks
“No, I’m just talking to myself, I wish I was there already”
“I bet” Caro says “We had a long ex-exc-excruciating meeting and we decided to change the theme of your wedding, it’s gonna be a ‘dressed to kilt’ extravaganza. Right guys?” and we hear men cheering.
“Blame it on Bea, she was quite disturbed by a picture she saw this morning, men on men action, she is obsessed! She’s one naughty lady”
“Shusshhhhhhhhhsshshshsshhssh” I say “it’s a secret, we cannot talk to her about it” I say “if it wasn’t for her I would have shagged McHorny at the Greek restaurant and maybe we would be together now”
Julie swallows and smiles politely at him “you were not supposed to hear that… my bad” she whispers
“McHorny?” he mouths
“We thought it was funny” she whispers
Howard shakes his head and smiles “you’re all so gonna pay for that” “What picture Bea?”
“Bea got the third degree from her Lord Uncle in his Lord study in their Lord mansion this morning. He found out about her and the hot plebeian body. Let me tell yaaaaaa. Not pleased at all. His precious blood mixed with the Gladiator’s…I think he’s ready to carpet bomb Manchester”
“He cannot bomb places! I told you a thousand times…but the pictures… right in front of me …and one of him and Jason, kissing…HOT”
“Bea focus!” Tricia is pissing herself laughing “every time she thinks of McHorny she takes off to the luvvvvvvvvvplanettttt”
Howard is listening trying to cut off all the background noises, concentrating on our voices and smiling to himself.
“Hey Bea” Julie says “so you are not that over Mc…Howard?”
“SHE IS!” Caro yells “and the Mancunian betting half-witted pig has to pray I don’t run into him, because if I do his days as womanizer will be over for good. ZAP! I’ll cut his jewels off and use them to make a nice couple of earrings”
“Absolutely!” Tricia is almost yelling “she is sooooo over him she did the complete loop and now she’s back craving the man!” and laughs.
Julie laughs too and Howard not so much, she pats his leg and smiles at him.
We’re in a roll. “Well said my dear!” Tricia says “and besides, the fact Bea fancies him so much can mean one thing only…HE’S GAYYYYY, but he doesn’t know it yet. Let’s call him! I need a phone! We have a phone! We’re using it as we speak…. Pun! Pun! PUN!”
“I beg to differ! INSEMINATOR is not gay!” and I rest my head on the table
“INSEMINATOR, this is good Bea, keep it coming… Bea?” Julie calls me
“I did something really bad. Really bad… the terrace …. I slap him…hard”
Julie looks at Howard, he nods and rubs his chin. She smiles and mouth “she kicks asses”. Caro’s voice is suddenly very serious “We are sorry to inform you, Lady Clifton has just passed out. The tragic accident happened in a little pub in the middle of nowhere. Considering her ancestors died to conquer Scotland that is a clear case of Historical Justice. Tricia what should we do with the body?”
“Let’s toss it into the North Sea, she loves to swim!”
“I am going to take a picture, hold on, how do you use this damn thing, there you go, and send it to father in Italy”
“No, we won’t” Tricia says “we will sell it to father”
“Evil woman”
“I hate you” my voice is weak “and I hate him and I hate her and I hate Calliope Carter above all, which makes us a happy dysfunctional family, like the ones you can see on TV”
“What are you talking about?” Julie asks
“She is drunk. Don’t mind her. We need another round here. And hot Scottish hunks coming our direction. Kind of busy here. Bye Julie” and Tricia hang up.
“Who’s Calliope Carter?” Howard asks
“Cruella de Vil’s parvenue sister. And the mother of a friend of Felix’s, Caro’s husband, Caro being the one who wants to castrate you, the one who did not wan the bet, remember it”
“I will, Bea doesn’t sound very well”
“Don’t worry, she’s drunk; she doesn’t make any sense when she’s drunk. She’ll be here on Sunday and you’ll sort things out”
“Right, here we are” and pulls the car over
Julie gets off the car and turns around to say goodbye “it was good running into you Howard”
He gets off the car and hugs her “thanks Julie and take good care of her”
“I will, and” she takes a piece of paper and pen and start writing “there you go Mr. Donald, here are all my numbers and Bea’s. Don’t be a stranger” and winks at him. She is about to enter the terminal when she turns toward him one last time and yells “FYI Mr. Donald, we are like the four Musketeer, all for one and one for all, you take one of us, you take all of us. You mess with one of us and it’s war. Bye” and blows him a kiss.