SPARKS 30

When Julie enters the pub we are one dreadful vision. Caro and Tricia are performing the “Ops I did it again” dance routine on the table while I’m resting my right cheek on it, dangerously close to their feet.
“Hello Laydees! Should I remind you this is supposed to my HEN night? How dare you being so drunk without me?”
“Welcome to jolly Scotland” they shout “come up here! We were waiting for you to bring the Supreme back to life! The third member of our band is useless” and Caro points at me
“What did you do to her?”
“Nothing, I swear, I think it’s an aneurism, or is simply crazy, it runs in the family”
“Right doctor” and she gets closer to me and caresses my hair “what’s up Bea?”
I move my index finger to invite her to come nearer and I tap it on the table. She places her left cheek on the table and now our faces are standing few inches apart
“I’m not feeling very well”
“I can see it, how much did you drink?”
“It’s not the alcohol; I think I broke my heart. I’ve been trying to put a band aid on it but I cannot go through my ribs”
“You’ll be fine”
“My uncle is mad at me, no matter what he says, he’s mad at me”
“So I heard”
“Should I kill myself here now or wait to be alone?”
“We can do it together, after the wedding though”
“No problem…and he’s mad at me. You have no idea what I did”
She smiles at me
“I slapped him, hard, cathartic for him and painful for me”
“It was supposed to be the other way around though. It backfired!” yells Tricia.
“You will be fine, I promise” Julie says to me
“Julie come up here! Dance with us …Hey here comes the BRIDE!” and the rest of the people in the pub cheers and screams.
She looks at me one last time “you’re gonna be so happy”
But I’m already asleep.

2 hours later a taxi takes us back to the mansion they rented for the reception. Very few guests have already arrived. Caro takes out a bag of peanuts and gives it to the driver who makes it very clear he would prefer to receive pounds instead. We manage to find the money we have and we crawl out the car laughing like madwomen. The moment I put my knees on the ground I start singing “Never Forget” at the top of my lungs while Caro, Tricia and Julia do the clapping ‘We will rock you’ style. Few lights go on inside the house and the door opens. 6 shocked eyes are staring at us.
Felix walks down to us and takes Caro’s arm, she looks at him, smiles and yells “We’ve come so far and we’ve reached so highAnd we’ve looked each day and night in the eyeAnd were still so young and we hope for moreBut remember this..”
He laughs “that’s what I love most about you, so proper and so sober all the time. It’s a good thing you don’t listen to shitty music at least!”
Julie yells at him “You know nothing about music! You don’t like Take That! An infidel! Among us!”
Caro looks back at him “We’re not invincible, we’re not invincible - nowe’re only people, we’re only people”
“I can see that love, I’m so glad my parents aren’t here already. Come on inside”
“Thanks hubby…” and she collapses in his arms
Julian takes Tricia and Julie’s hands “let’s go girls… what about going to bed now? If anyone of you is thinking on throwing up on me, I just wish to warn you I’ll unleash the twins and your life will be a living hell”
“We’ll behave…” and they follow him quietly.
Julian turns around “can you take care of Bea? I don’t think she can walk”
“No prob mate”
I seat on the garden and I’m staring at a pair of legs right in front of me, I look up and I see someone smiling at me “twins?” I ask
“No, it’s just one of me, come on Bea, I’ll take you inside”
“How do you know my name?” and giggle “are you the fairy god-father?” I clap my hands “please, can you turn the roses into giant aspirins? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please?”
He laughs and takes my hand “Shut up! I’m Albert, Albert Carter, do you remember me?”
I stare at him for a second and I crawl away as fast as I can, which is basically snail pace, starting screaming “cat killer! You’re a cat killer! Bad man! Baseball bat! You are so going to hell!”
He laughs and picks me up placing me on his shoulder, like I’m a sack of potatoes.
“I was 11 and it was an accident”
“Lame defense….like …..EVAHHAHHAHHAH”
“Stop screaming! Julie’s parents are sleeping”
“You are a monster, Jack parvenu the Ripper! Julie! JULIE! Helpppppppp”
He shakes his head and walks inside the house “where’s your room?”
“…in your dreams cat killer! I would not have sex with you if you were the last man on the planet”
He bursts into a fit of laughter “sorry to disappoint you but believe me, you are not exactly very appealing right now”
“RUDE CAT KILLER!”
“Your room” he’s so patient
“….I don’t remember….” and hiccup
“Alright then” and we walk to his room “from 1 to 10, how much do you feel like throwing up?”
“…32…” and I place my hand on my mouth
“Restroom it is then” and places my feet on the floor and I immediately squat in front of the toilet and start throwing up like the little girl in the Exorcist. He’s standing by me, looking away and flashing the toilet every time I moan “pull”
I eventually crawl to the sink where I wash my face and brush my teeth *whose toothbrush is it? Gros, gros, gros*
I sit on the floor, totally knackered, my back against the wall. He sits in front of me.
“Shoes cat killer”
He takes my shoes off and says “you are among the top 3 most drunk people I’ve ever seen in my life”
I close my eyes “the first one being your lovely mother I guess”
He laughs
“I hate her”
“Just because you don’t know her”
“It is my only saving grace at the moment. She was wearing a gold brooch the other night. Do they give medals for evil?”
“I might start to take offence”
“Cat killer”
“Come here” takes my arm and has me crawl to him. I sit between his legs, my back on his chest. He places a wet towel on my forehead.
“I heard you were messed up”
“Your lovely mother I bet” I sigh “she wants me bad but she won’t have me”
“Sure” and caresses my hair “it will all work out ok”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. He hates me”
“No he doesn’t, he finally accepted he’s gay and came out”
“Not HIM, I don’t give a shit about him. I’m in love with someone else”
“You give the expression ‘till death do us apart’ a brand new meaning…”
“Cat killer… what do you know…”
“Everything will be fine” says stroking my hair
“Promise”
“Promise”
And I doze off.

I show up in the kitchen the following morning wearing a large white t-shirt and rubbing my head. It’s almost 10 o’clock but Julie, Tricia and the twins are the only ones up already.
“Morning ladies and gents”
Julie looks at me “what happened to your collection of worst PJs ever?”
“Don’t go there. I woke up in a room that is not mine, I was wearing this and there was a stranger sleeping by me. Just for knowledge’s sake, does it makes me a …” I turn around and send the twins out of the kitchen “slut? How stupid am I? I cannot believe it”
Julie sits by me “You’re joking right?”
“Do I look like I’m joking? Who is he?”
“You did not even bother to introduce yourself? THAT makes you a lady slapper” Julie says laughing at me
“Well, Julian was with me, Felix is with Caro… if it is not Julie’s father I guess you wan Mr Carter” Tricia says and start pissing her pants off “you shagged the parvenu prince, this is AMAZING! Wait until his mother finds out! Need to wake Caro up! NOW! She’s going to have so much fun! You are funnier than Little Britain, honest!”
“I did not shag him”
“Are you sure?”
“…No”
“AHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA CAROOOOOOOOOOO you’ll never believe it!” and runs out of the room and up the stairs
“You don’t remember a thing?”
“No, I was so drunk… you don’t think I… oh god”
And it is the moment Albert opens the door “Morning princess”
“Princess” Julie whispers in my hears and I shake my hand to send her away
“You snore” he tells me
“Not talking to you, who are you?”
“You had a sweet nickname for me last night”
I bang my head on the table
“Cat killer”
I open my eyes wide and smack my forehead “Cat killer, of course! We didn’t do it! We didn’t. I felt asleep”
“So it is true! You really killed her cat, I thought it was an urban legend”
Julie says
“It was an accident”
“Yeah right, your baseball bath accidentally smashed his head, shame on you” I tell her
“Julie try to understand, I was 11, my mom sent me to their house in Scotland for the summer. She would only speak Italian to me, wearing princess dresses and dancing around all the time. So I thought it would be fun breaking the routine and I started chasing her everywhere with a baseball bath. It was hilarious seen her tripping on those long gowns, and screaming, that was fun too”
“Sweet boy”
“I only wanted her to talk to me. Besides her uncle would lecture us everyday on history and politics and art. He would ask questions and she would raise her bloody hand before he’d even finished them giving him the perfect answer. I was that close to take my own life”
“I don’t care about your pathetic life” I smile “I didn’t have sex with you. I felt asleep”
“Yes you did” he laughs “and you snore”
All of the sudden it hits me “…and the terrible things I said about your mother …I am so sorry …I would have never said them…I was drunk”
“That’s ok, let’s call it even, I killed your cat, you butchered my mom”
“I had a very good reason, she is obnoxious and she kept going on and on and on about your big promotion”
“Well, I can’t take any credit for it. It is pretty easy to get promoted when you’re an only child and you work for your father. And by the way, I’m glad you feel you can speak your mind when you’re with me. I would really appreciate if you could stop calling my mother names though”
I smile and place my hand on my heart “Please forgive me” I mock him “Well I’ll have my coffee and take a shower. We have a million things to do today… but I’ll wait until Caro gets here and finds out Tricia woke her up for nothing…it is going to be so much fun”

In the meantime Albert pours some coffee and brings it to me. “Thanks” and smile “I will need to get a taxi to go back to the village later, I think the car I rented yesterday must be somewhere near the pub”
“I’ll drive you, I will have to buy the newspaper so don’t worry about a thing. Take you shower and we’ll go” he says
“Perfect, I better get going, I need to see the florist and make sure he has what we ordered. I fear your sweet mother in law might have besieged his shop and started the war of the chrysanthemums”
When I leave Julie gets closer to him “what do you think you’re doing?”
“I don’t know what you mean”
She gives him a killer look “all this being nice with her. The coffee, the ride, last night. Stay away from her, she’s not available”
“The mystery man you mean? I don’t see him anywhere around here and judging by what I saw last night he’s not doing a good job at making her happy, she could use a friend”
“I know what you have in mind. Stay away.”
“Finders keepers” he laughs, “and besides, I have our families’ benediction”
“Welcome to the third millennium you idiot. What are you talking about?”
“Her uncle, he told me to come here before anybody else, telling me she might need someone to take care of her. And I am very good at taking care of people”
“Here, take a cookie, you’ll need something sweet when you wake up from your dream. She does not want you or fancy you”
“Yet”
Felix and Caro arrives and start chatting with them too, when they have another quiet moment Julie tells him “She’s in love with someone else”
“I heard, she was also supposed to marry someone she ‘loved’ few weeks ago…shit happens”
“She calls you the parvenu prince”
“She’ll change her mind, at least that’s what her father told me”
I enter the kitchen and look at him surprised “what about my father?”
He smiles to me “I saw him last week. I stayed at the villa for a couple of days”
“You did?” Julie is as surprised as I am
“I heard an early copy of ‘The Canterbury Tales’ was probably going to be auctioned at Sotheby’s in New York and I had my assistant track it down. When I had the seller in front of me I called your father and we closed the deal in no time. I brought the copy to Florence and he asked me stay. I had the complete sightseeing tour and I think we’re best friends now.” I cannot close my mouth and he smiles at me.
“I saw your portrait”
I roll my eyes “not the one when I was 9…”
“That one” and he laughs “a miniature Guinevere…that’s who you were that summer here in Scotland too”
I blush “waiting for Lancelot…. as always …Should we go now?”
“Your chariot is waiting for you my fair lady”. He finishes his sentence and I think of Howard, when he called me that the night we kissed for the first time. I sigh “sad look is banned for the Scottish territory, I command you to smile Lady Beatrice” he says
I look at him and I do.
Julie looks at Caro “we need to talk”
“I know, aren’t they cute together? I know it’s not Howard but he could do her some good”
“No he isn’t. Since the real thing will be at Gatwick picking her up on Sunday”
“What?”
And Julie tells her about their encounter the day before.
Tricia goes back in the kitchen finding Julie and Caro doing their happy dance, she looks at them and says “what did you put in your coffee?”