SPARKS 33

Howard is standing by the mirror of what was my old bedroom in Julie’s flat. He is wearing a Calvin Klein three button navy suit with a light blue shirt, collar unbuttoned. Julie is looking at him like she wants to eat him on the spot “you don’t need a tie, we’re going on vacation. That should do” and pats the back of the jacket, dangerously close to his bottom.
Caro is kneeling on the other side, pretending to flatten an imaginary crease on his leg.
Howard laughs “ladies please, stop it!” he shakes his head “I must be really getting old, I never thought I was going to say something like this but you are making me really uncomfortable”
They giggle.
“I mean it!” and closes his eyes “I don’t wanna know whose hand it is, but it better gets off my butt now! I am a friend of both your husbands. Have pity on me!”
That is the moment Gordon walks into the room, looks at the three of them and says “Julie, I’ll just pretend you want to make sure his pants are fitting perfectly and I’ll carry on talking to Howard. But if you don’t stand up in the next 3 seconds I am going to come to see Bea and Howard stays here house-sitting for us”
She jumps up, “right honey, we were just having a little fun”
“No doubt about that. So Howard, you are going to be me. Count Corsini hasn’t met me yet. So you should have no trouble at all. Caro will take care of keeping Lord William and Albert out of your way”
“Right” does not sound too convinced
“Let’s go over few details now” Gordon says
Howard looks at his own reflection “They’ll never believe I am an investment banker, I am too hot” and smirks at Caro who rolls her eyes.
“Kids, behave!” Gordon says “I had my assistant printing out some record cards, they’re numbered and laminated, so you can keep them in your pocket”. Howard tries not to burst out laughing. Gordon pretends not to notice; “mate, I know you think it’s crazy, but these people are not easily fooled. And we need you to keep up the act long enough so you can talk to Bea. So, you went to Eton”
“You did?” he asks surprised “that is so cool, I know real snooty people, wait until I tell my brothers!”
“Yes ‘we’ did go to Eton. What do you know about it?”
“It’s a school…?” and scratches his head
Gordon sits on the bed “this is going to take more than a few minutes. Now, your tutor was Felix’s older brother Henry, that’s how we met. Your House Master…”
“My what?”
“Your House Master was Duncan Wilton, remember this name, he’s a friend of Bea’s father. You were in the Eton cricket team and you wan the Berkshire Cup, two years in a row”
Howard looks at him, he’s really worried “they’ll never buy it. I dropped out when I was 16, I was the worst student ever and believe me, the kids I hanged out with did not even consider cricket a real sport. I’m fucked” and bangs his head on the wall
“Come on Doug, we can do it!” Caro says “it’s going to be so much fun!” He looks at her puzzled “at least for us, we are definitely going to have a blast!” and they all laugh
He runs his fingers through his hair “what else?”
“You met Julie at a Christmas party. Bea introduced the two of you.” goes through the flash-cards “And you are mad at your wife because she does not want to move out from this crappy and small apartment so we can live in a real house”
“He does not need to know that” she tells him
“And you need to drop the Mancunian accent, you are from Bath” Gordon continues
“And” Julie adds “you need to address him always as Count Corsini, always; and she is ‘BA-ä-'trE-chA’, not ‘BEE-uh-tris’. His father hates when people call her with an English pronunciation.”
“For no reason you can mention her mother” Gordon reads out loud
“And I will feed you all necessary information so you can have impeccable manners too” his wife says.
Howard doesn’t know who’s supposed to listen to, looking first at him and then at her, like he’s watching a tennis match.
“You graduated from the London School of Economics, Master at Harvard. Key words to an investment banker are equities, bonds, interest rates, options and assets. But an all time favorite is speculative bubble. If he asks you something and you don’t know the answer just say the market is experiencing a speculative bubble so we’re all waiting for it to burst. Felix will be by your side all the time so there’s nothing to worry about”
“I break dance, sing, play the piano and I’m a cool dee-jay…couldn’t I just tell him that?”
“NO” they all scream together
“Howard there is something you need to know” Caro tells him taking his arm and smiling trying to reassure him “my mom heard what they are celebrating today is not only Bea’s birthday. They are getting engaged. If it happens it’s over”
He sighs, “You better give me those record cards” and takes them from Gordon’s hand
“One more thing mate. You are a Chelsea fan. We all are”
Howard freezes on the spot “No bloody way! I can be a cricket player, I can be from Bath but I cannot be a bloody Chelsea fan…never ever! That is just wrong!”
He pats his shoulder “sorry about that, now repeat after me, Jose rules” but Howard shakes his head and whispers “things we do for love … Jose rules … but you cannot tell anyone I said it”
Julie goes to the living room and comes back with a photo album “here it is. This is a picture of the villa, so you know what to expect”
“Looks just like the place I grew up in” he says sarcastically.

I’m sitting in the garden, all alone. Uncle William and Albert are taking his mother to the Uffizi for the first time. I can skip the painful visit only because Julie and the others are about to come any minute now. I check my watch; I cannot wait to see them again. “Happy birthday to me” I whisper. I’ve missed them so much.
My mobile rings and after a fairly long conversation with someone working at the side entrance of the museum I go back inside
“Father? Where are you?” no answer, I see Maria walking up the stairs, she has been with us forever, and I don’t know how she knows everything going on behind those walls “Maria, have you seen my father?”
“He’s in his study” and she smiles at me “hope he didn’t hear you yelling, you know what he thinks about a lady raising her voice”. Rolls her eyes and open her arms “you father… I’ll never understand what is going on in that mind of his!”
“Thanks Maria” and I blow her a kiss. I walk to his door and knock before stepping in.
“Morning father. It seems like the man who was supposed to open the Vasarian Corridor for us is not there yet. I’ll have to make a few phone calls so they can have the visit I planned. If my friends arrive can you please welcome them? It shouldn’t take long”
“Of course I will”
I look at him scratching my forehead *happy birthday to me* “just be extra nice to them, promise?”
“Promise, go now” he does not even bother to look at me, studying a miniature with a magnifying lens.


They are driving along the cypress road leading to the villa. Howard is truly nervous; he’s patting his hands on his legs. He tries to keep his breathing regular while biting his lower lip. “I can perform in front of thousands of people, why am I so scared? What if her uncle is there? What if I cannot talk to her? Shit, shit shit”
Caro hugs him and does her best Yoda impression “Ready are you. A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. You a long time have I watched… have it you do. Hmm? What you were doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things.”
Howard laughs and kisses her chick “thanks, I’ll give it my best shot”
“No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try” Caro/Yoda tells him
“Yes master. I can feel the force” and squeezes her hand.
The driver stops in front of the main entrance and father appears on the door to welcome them.
Felix turns to Howard “show time mate! May the speculative bubble be with you”
“You cannot spoil our Star Wars moment!” Caro protests, but Howard is already out of the car waving at my father.

I’m in my room, dealing probably with the last person I have to in order to have the bloody Corridor open. “Thanks so much Sara, I owe you one, or even two. They have just begun their visit to the Uffizi, so they should be there in an hour and a half. Can you also arrange for them to visit the Boboli Garden? That would keep them away from me at least for another 3 hours…” we both laugh “love you”
Maria knocks on the door and opens it “Hey, you know you don’t need to knock. Are they here?”
“Yes they are babe”
She has a satisfied smile on her face “What?” I ask her
“You did not tell me Julie’s husband was so…”
“English?”
“Handsome”
“Gordon?” I laugh “it’s time to get you glasses” and I hug her
She looks back at me “He’s so tall, and those blue eyes”
I feel like there are two bulls fighting inside my stomach. I’m sure I am about to double up, right here, in front of poor, old Maria who looks at me with a very concerned look. *Gordon has dark eyes, can be either brown or black, but there are NOT, repeat they are NOT blue. And he is not tall.
Howard has blue eyes, Howard is tall. And I am still in my room…why am I wasting precious time? Cut the stream of consciousness stupid cow. Go down and check for yourself*
I mumble something to Maria and step into the corridor, I look both ways. *shortcut, need a shortcut, think Bea, think* I move towards my right and I freeze. The service stairs. To the left, way faster. I take my high heel sandals off and holding them in both hands I start running like there’s no tomorrow. I’m in a blind panic. I open the first door and start going down the stairs, I jump them two by two, I almost fall, I don’t care, I run even faster. I reach the ground floor and slam the door open. I take a sharp turn on the left, run around the corner and ‘BANG!’ I crash into someone. We barely manage to keep our balance, holding to a marble statue “Bea!”
“Julie…” I’m out of breath, panting really
“Your father told me you were in your room, I was coming to get you” she tells me in a total detached tone
I look at her, biting my lip, I cannot stand still, keep shifting my weight from one foot to the other
“Is there something you want to ask me dear?”
*is she making fun of me?* “Maria … told me…Gordon…”
“Yes, Gordon is here, you don’t have a crush on my hubby, do you? You seem really eager to see him”
“Is he…”
She puts her hands in front of her and smiles “You thought… it could be McHorny? No! You made it very clear, I need to stay out of it. You said you don’t want to see him and I respect that. I don’t want to argue anymore about a stupid man. You were right. It’s none of my business. We’re just putting our old fight on hold until your father is around and then you start running and I start yelling. Drill as usual.”
I should be relieved, but I can only feel a stab of disappointment. I just want to cry, or die, right on this spot.
“Your father is giving the troops a tour, considering his pace they should be in the corridor of the horrors” *that’s how we named the corridor where the portraits of my ancestors are on display so we can never forget where we come from*, “put your shoes on and let’s go join them”
I nod and follow her.

Father is truly leading the tour, Howard tries to keep a low profile and looks around him hoping to see me coming through of the many doors they have been passed.
“And this is Annibale Corsini, he was almost elected pope in 1612, but he died during the conclave” father says
Caro is making a video using her cell phone. Howard is giving her the death look but she can’t care less and sticks her tongue out.
“Gordon” and he turns to him, Howard looks around, probably thinking he should have watched some of E.R. reruns so he could fake an heart attack, even though he might have a real one “How is your father? We’ve been friends for almost a decade now. Has he finally managed to convince good old Duncan to buy the house in Marbella? Maybe we could call him together later” Felix steps closer to Howard and whispers “shit, I had the feeling we were forgetting something important”
Howard can feel himself starting to laugh; he’s trying real hard to cover a snort pretending to cough.
“Have I said something funny?” father is not happy
“No, I am sorry” and tries to compose himself “it’s just that I was thinking about something my brother told me yesterday, I am so, so sorry” and wipes the tears from his eyes. He turns to Felix and tells him “I’m so screwed…I might just cut the crap and start looking for her, this is ridiculous!”
Tricia is covering her eyes and whispers to his other ear “maybe if you stop pissing you pants we could still make it” while Caro is still making her video.
Father gives him a very arrogant look “this way is Beatrice’s grandmother; she belonged to one of the most important family in Rome…”
“Who is this little girl?” Howard asks pointing to another portrait
“This is Beatrice, when she was 8 or 9, maybe 10… Don’t touch it!” and Howard puts his hand back into his pocket “she was in her Guinevere stage at the time. She would only wear long gowns and read legends on King Arthur and his knights. When she turned 11 she decided she was a ballerina. After 6 months of tutus and spins I sent her to a boarding school in Switzerland. She was a very loud little girl”
“You sent her to modern version of a nazi camp because she sang and danced? And you call yourself a father?” Howard is losing control, Felix tries to stop him but he’s so mad “do you have any idea who your daughter is?”
“Count Corsini” Tricia adds
“Count Corsini my ass” Howard says
The room freezes on them, father clears his throat “so you went to Eton?”
“What?” Howard looks at him in disbelief
“You went to Eton”
“Yes we did” Felix answers him, “best friends since then… I’m so sorry count Corsini. He’s just a little stressed because of the marriage, and they’re also moving to a new house soon…”
“Sure, sure, I know how stressful women can be” and pats Howard’s shoulder “Beatrice has been driving us crazy. I don’t know what she did back in England but even my very indulgent brother in law was upset with her. But I’m sure you know her better than I do”
“Doesn’t take much” Howard hisses
“We are so glad she finally found the right man and she is ready to settle down. Albert has a positive influence on her. She’s been so composed over the last few weeks”
“Or sedated” Tricia comments
Father ignores her “I’m thinking about investing in Spanish bonds, what do you think Gordon?”
He must think is in the twilight zone, his mouth opens on its own “speculative bubble, I would wait”
“That’s what I thought too. I will”
Father start walking along the corridor, Howard opens his arms looking totally lost “is he mad?” he mouths to Tricia. “Maybe” she mouths back.