STAND 10

“Lara! You need to stop calling me so often! What would your husband think if he knew? Do you need me to come down and rub some sunscreen on your back? Tell Gaz it’s over, once and for all, we’re destined to be together”
“Sure. I need you to do something for me”
“I would do anything for you…” he teases her
“Stop it, I’m serious”
“Right. Too bad you can’t see me; I am very much focused on this phone call”
“What did I just say?”
“That I’m to die for?”
She rolls her eyes “I’m wasting precious time I could be spending with my husband”
“Arghhhhhh, you are killing me La”
“Cut the crap”
“Merry Christmas to you too, again”
“Yeah right. You need you to rescue a damsel in distress”
“No problem, you called the right man”
“It’s Titti, she’s going to explode if she spends another minute in that house”
…
“Come on! I know you can do it”
“I can but I won’t”
“As a personal favor”
“I said no, La you of all people cannot ask me that” he hisses
“It’s Christmas”
“Exactly, and my mother would kill me if I leave the house”
“Lamest excuse ever! Even Ella can come up with something better. You could do something together in the afternoon”
Gary is looking at her and shakes his head.
“I’m busy”
“Liar”
“Do it for me, I’m texting you her number”
“Don’t, please, I’m begging you”
“Too late!” she looks at her husband “Gary sends his love”
“No I don’t” he replays loud enough so he can be heard on the other end of the line “I don’t give a shit about you! Can you hear me?”
“Tell him I love him too, him only, you I hate right now”
Lara puts the phone back into her bag “piece-of-cake”
Gary shakes his head “why, why, why?”
“Because it’s perfect, he just needs a little help from a friend, me, and I trust he can take it from here. I should smack my head for not thinking about it before”

I car passes by, a little kid waves at my direction, I smile and wave back when my mobile rings. *Maddi, thank god* I don’t even check the display and answer.
“It’s a good think you called because I’m about to squeeze some oranges and I was wondering if it’s considered a crime…can you hear me? I’m so desperate I can only crack pathetic jokes”
I hear a loud laughter “Merry Christmas”
*that is not Maddi’s voice, and it’s not Mark’s. Tell me it’s not one of Jason’s brothers…*
I sigh and wait
“…it’s me”
*think, think, think*
“I’m sorry, I’m standing outside, no coat on, my ears are freezing, can’t ear very well”
“Tell you what, I was supposed to come and rescue you, but since you don’t even bother to recognize my voice you can kiss my perfect ass goodbye and go back inside playing bingo”
“…Howard…”
….
“Are you still there Miss Piggy?”
“…yes I am. How did you get my number?”
“You know what? Forget about it. It was a bad idea. I’ll hang up now and stop bothering you so much” he’s pissed now
“No, please, don’t. It’s just … unexpected, but I’m glad to hear a friendly voice”
“Which you didn’t recognize”
“I’m sorry. Too much merryness around”
“Making up words aren’t we? It must be bad” he tries to sound amused
“Yes, it’s the nightmare before, during and after Christmas. I still hope to convince Jason to join Maddi and Mark at least for New Years’ Eve”
*Why I have the feeling I just said something wrong?*
“Lara asked me to call you. She’s worried you could do something stupid, like getting yourself involved in some pictionary tournament” his voice is cold, I’m definitely pissing him off
“Howard save me” I beg “I would do anything to get out of this house. They hate me”
“That’s not possible, they don’t know how to. Jenny is the most charming lady I know”
“She knows what we did”
“Fuck”
“Are you swearing or trying to make a pun?”
He burst into a loud laughter “you just wan an afternoon off. I’ll come and pick you up at 2. I’ll park at the end of the street; if their radar locates me I’m doomed. Be there on time, I am not going to wait for you”
“Yes Sir!”
“And wear comfy shoes”
“What?”
“Comfy shoes”
“I heard you, but there’s no such thing as women’s comfy shoes. They are an urban legend, like alligators living in New York City’s sewer or George W. having a degree from Yale. You can have beautiful shoes or ugly shoes, but nothing comfortable, unless we’re talking flip flops, but it’s too cold to wear them… ”
“I’m getting bored. What size are you?”
“I’m not telling you!”
“Shoe size, shoe size…” he sighs
“5”
“Ok, I’ll take care of that, we’re going hiking, so wear something warm”
“I brought my parka with me, do you think it will do?”
“Who am I Mr. Patagonia? Don’t forget a hat and gloves, it’s gonna be freezing”
“Sounds better and better”
“You can stay right there and have fun”
“No, don’t you dare ditching me here”
“Fine, see you later”
“Thanks”
“Don’t thank me, thank Lara” and he hangs up.
I’m standing there, like an idiot staring at my mobile *that was surreal* when a voice calls me “Titti, come on in! It’s our Christmas Kodak moment!” since I sort of recognize his face he must be the evil twin
“It’s family time, I can just wait here, you do your things!” I yell back
He runs towards me “you’re kidding right? You need to be in the picture!” and takes my hand.
“Justin please, I don’t think your mother would approve”
“Listen, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told my sister what happened between you and Doug. We have this thing … you’re an only child …but among brothers… we tease each other and sometimes we step over the line. I’m sorry. Please come inside. My mother is pissed beyond any limit but she’ll get over it. Jason is her favorite and she’s very protective. If it makes you feel better, when mother will be done with Doug he’s gonna need professional help. Pleaseee”. He sounds just like Jason, I sigh and he drags me inside.


I smile politely in the family picture in front of the tree, feeling like the only actor in the show how didn’t rehearse his lines and doesn’t really know what do on stage.
I walk into the kitchen and ask shyly “is there anything I can help you with? I must warn you I can do very basic stuff only”
Jason’s mother looks at me and I feel like I’m about to fail a very important physical “you can’t cook?”
“No, not really, but I’m a take-away pro”
She’s busy taking a pan out of the oven and doesn’t even answer.
Amy pats my shoulder and whispers “you committed the ultimate sin, Jason is crazy about you and you were a fan. She doesn’t trust you. But hang in there, she’ll change her mind”
“That’s what everyone keeps telling me, but it doesn’t make me feel any better”
“Don’t worry, she’ll eventually accept you” an extremely amused Simon says “I’m pretty sure by the fourth kid she will really like you. Don’t forget to name the first baby girl after her though”
Jenny wipes her hands and looks at the three of us “Amy, Simon, I need you to check if the table is ready, we’re eating in 10 minutes, make sure everyone is seated.” I’m about to follow them when she adds “not you” *she does not even remember my name* “you stay, I need to have a word with you”
I guess Amy can read the panic in my eyes, she smiles at me and mouths ‘think of Jason, you’ll survive’
*Jay, Jay can you hear me? Can you feel the panic vibe coming from the kitchen? It’s me! Come here and rescue me*
“Would you like to take a sit?” *the White Witch asks Lucy Pevensie*
“Sure thanks” *stay calm, no need to panic, yet, smile and nod, nod and smile*
“Do you love my son?”
I shake my head in disbelief “what was that?”
“You heard me, do you love my Jason”
*Your Jason? I don’t think so Madam, last time I checked it was my very passionate Jason* and my mind wanders to the very creative way he came up with to thank me for the watch I got him. I realize she’s staring at me. I clear my throat “I’m sorry but I don’t think you should be asking me questions like these”
“I’m his mother, I can ask you all the questions I want”
“I think it’s inappropriate, I don’t discuss my private matters with almost strangers”
“I-AM-HIS-MOTHER”
*I have the feeling it’s not going too well* “and I am his lover” *shit, you were supposed to use significant other, that was the right definition*
She’s staring me like I’m the lowest form of life on earth “yes, I was told you have no problem in sharing your bed with older men”
*uhhh, blow under the belt Mrs. Orange* “you don’t know me, and you have no right to judge me”
“What kind of values do you believe in? From what I’ve heard there’s not much you can give him. I don’t understand what he sees in you”
I stand up “I’m not going to stay here while you patronize me, I don’t have to do it and the only reason I didn’t leave 2 days ago is your son. I want him to be happy and he’s happy here. I didn’t want to come, he made me”
“You should have insisted, I bet you’re the kind of woman good at getting what she wants”
I clench my fists and sigh “I guess we can consider our little chit chat over, I better see if they need any help”
“You cannot walk out on me in my own house”
I turn around to look at her “watch me” and slam the door.

I almost run to our room and sit on the bed “fuck!” I look around me and grab my mobile.
“Merry Christmas!”
“Maddi I screwed up like I’ve never screwed up in all my life”
“What happened?” *thanks for not asking ‘what did you this time moron’?*
“Jason’s mother wanted to talk to me, woman to woman”
“O dear God”
“You know the thing you always tell me to do?”
“Divorce Gerry?”
“No, the other one”
“Count until 20 before voicing your opinions?”
“That one. I sort of forgot about it. To make a long story short, I fear I gave Jenny the metaphorical middle finger, on Christmas day…”
“… and why are you talking to me? Find Jason before she does. He needs to hear it from you!” I look outside the window and I see the two of them talking in the garden
“Too late… are planes flying today? Shit, I better go”
“Keep me posted”
“I will…show up at your door probably”
I put the mobile into my handbag and walk downstairs. They’re still talking, Jason his rubbing her arm and smiling, then they see me. I run my fingers through my hair, not really knowing what do next.
“I better go back inside to make sure everything’s perfect” and kisses his forehead. She walks by me pretending I’m invisible.
“Hello stranger” I whisper trying to smile, I’m shivering, I feel so cold
“What did you do to her?”
*1,2,3,4,5,6,7 fuck* “I did nothing to mommy dearest, absolutely nothing. But she is soooooo judgmental, she called me a slut”
“Oh come on, my mother doesn’t swear”
I give him a killer look, breathing heavy
“I’m sure she didn’t mean it, she’s really upset” he’s standing in front of me, arms crossed
I lose it and start yelling “Are you taking sides? Her against me?” and I point to the house
“I am not taking sides! I don’t have to, we are a family and being part of a family is to understand certain limits cannot be crossed”
“Don’t you dare patronizing me too! I’m sick and tired of your attitude! I don’t need to be domesticated, I wasn’t raised by wolves, I know who I am and I know what I want. Right now I don’t want to be here and I don’t want to be with you”
I’m about to walk away but he grabs my arms “listen, I don’t want to fight with you. Not here and not today. I know she can be difficult sometimes but she’s my mother and she means well”
I bite my lip trying to fight the tears “you weren’t in that bloody kitchen. She humiliated me; she said I’m not good enough for you”
He hugs me tight “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. She doesn’t know you and she doesn’t know what we have. She’s just a regular mother, she thinks no-one is good enough for her children”. He rubs his nose against mine “I love you babe”
“You do?”
He nods
“Good”
“Good? That’s all you have to say?” he’s almost laughing
I sniff “of course not, I hate your mother”
He laughs “what am I gonna do with you?…what…?”
“Let’s leave. Now”
He caresses my hair, “You know we can’t; we can get through this together. It’s important, do it for me. Come and have a real Christmas lunch”
I rest my chin on his chest still looking into his eyes “I’ll come into the lion’s den and pretend nothing happened, even though everyone knows and it will be awkward to say the least, if you promise we catch the first flight to Munich tomorrow morning”
“You said we could stay at least until the 27th”
“Take it or leave it”
He stares at me thinking about it
“I’m catching a flight tomorrow, you coming with me?”
He sighs “of course I am”
He holds my hand and we walk back inside. We sit at the table, where everyone keeps talking pretending nothing happened and we are one big family. Well they are.

I help clear the table and bring stuff to the kitchen. There are at least 10 people in there chatting and laughing and all of the sudden it’s just me and Jenny, again. I look around me “How do you do it?” I ask her “I mean, you look at them and they jump. Is this a household or a circus?”
She places her hands on her hips “I’m glad we agree we cannot stand each other. And I’m glad my son put some sense into your head and decided to stay”. She looks at me with the same expression Nelson has on top of the column at Trafalgar Square “as I told you, he’s my son, I know him very well. If he’d ever come to choose he would choose us”
*that’s too easy* I throw some leftovers away and look at her “we’ll be missing breakfast tomorrow, and lunch and dinner, and the day after and the one after that. We’re leaving tomorrow morning. He chose me” I wink at her “I can play this game too. Merry Christmas” and leave her in the middle of her beloved kitchen.