STAND 12

Sam laughs, “So how did you meet my brother? Were you a fan I reckon?”
I blush and I don’t really know why. “I guess you can say that…” and I am waiting for one of Howard’s ironic remarks about my behavior during the Nobody Else tour. Nothing. He changes the radio station and starts humming a song. *thanks*
“I met him during their last tour, but Jason was my favorite”
“Apparently I came in 5th out of 4 men…can you believe it Sammie?”
“My poor, unappreciated brother” she teases him “but you were really young at the time, weren’t you”
“15”
She opens her eyes wide “wow! At 15 I wasn’t even allowed to go to the movies with my girlfriends! Can I meet your parents?”
I try to look at Howard’s eyes through the rear-view mirror but he seems concentrated on the road.
“It’s a long story, it’s a good thing they all took good care of me” and I smile hoping she drops the subject *why I feel so guilty? Oh I know why. I can hear Jenny’s voice repeating you’re a cheap slapper, over and over and over*
“I bet! Howard was the teen-age police! Do you remember Matthew Jones Howie?”
“No I don’t. Can we talk about something else?”
“You have to remember him!” she turns toward me “he was so cute, we were in the same French class. I thought he was the most handsome boy in the world. I would spend hours looking at him and writing his name over and over on my notebook. We were 14, maybe 15 … so one day he comes to me and invites me to go the mall. We spent such a sweet afternoon together, we were so embarrassed. It took him a good two hours before he had the guts to take my hand”
I smile at her hoping to die soon
“He walks me back home and we’re standing in front of my door, you know looking into each other’s eyes and he dares brushing his lips into mine. I swear, that’s all we did, no tongue. And the door slams open. Howard towering both of us, piercing and dreadlocks included, grabs his shoulder and say ‘what the fuck do you think you’re doing to my sister?’ I think he’s still running, poor thing”
I lean my head against the window, for the very first time the thought I got it all wrong is peeping in my mind. I close my eyes, *Jenny is right. Jason deserves better and Howard, he must simply pity me* I’m cuddling against the door and the window, placing as much room as possible between me and Sam. I feel tears hiding behind my eyelids and then something magic happen. Howard’s right hand quietly finds it way between his seat and the car door and starts brushing my ankle. I bend forward and caress his fingers wishing we’ll never get to Butt Green and just stay like that forever.
Sam starts checking her equipment pretending not to see. We keep silent until we take a dirt road.
Howard pulls into a large parking lot; few other cars are there already.
“So ladies! Here we are! I hope you did your stretching exercises, you’ll need it, you have very short legs and it’s gonna be hard for you to keep up with me”. His forced happiness is wasted on us, Sam can’t wait to give us some space and I feel like I was run over by a truck carrying guilt.
They get off the car; Howard opens the trunk and takes a large backpack out.
“I know, I know, Sam, go get fill the water bottles” she says to her brother heading toward the fountain.
He walks back to me and opens my door. I move my legs so my feet are on the ground but I have no intention of getting out. He squats in front of me cupping my face “stop it, I can hear you brain mumbling from here”
I can’t even look at him “I thought it was cool, I used to feel sorry for all those girls who had normal lives, but now, after what she…”
“I said stop it, look at me”
“No, can’t do it, you pity me and I understand, I’m sorry Lara made you call me, now I know why you don’t like me”
He bends his head over until he’s standing between my eyes and the ground, so I’m forced to look at him and smiles “I do not pity you and Sam is my sister”
“So you’re saying the difference between us is she was too precious to be kissed by and innocent boy, no tongue as she pointed out, while I was a Lolita giving you a …. can’t even say it! Arghhhh” I’m really struggling to fight back the tears now “I am probably the easiest shag you ever had, I’m so ashamed”
“Nah, not the easiest, but you can probably make it in the top 5” he whispers smiling and tucking a lock behind my ear.
I’m so scared to see contempt in his eyes, “were they 15 Howard?” I hide my face in my hands.
“You did nothing wrong, I mean, it would have been nice to know I was breaking the law and risking my future and my freedom but it was worth every minute” he says in his husky voice. “See? You make me sound like and old perv”
“Like you remember it” I pout
He plays with the buttons of my parka, “not every single detail, but I can still see you crawling slowly on top of me, licking your lips, eyes half closed…” his mouth is so close to mine I can almost breathe through his lungs. I close my eyes, leaning toward him, there’s nothing else in my life, not Jason, not my friends, or my job, just him.
“I KNEW IT WAS YOU! OH MY GOD! HOWARD DONALD! FROM TAKE THAT!”
I’m so surprised I jump on the seat and hit my head on the top of the car. “Fuck” I say scratching my hair.
Howard is still squatting in front of me, his arms circling my legs, his head buried on my laps, I can feel his teeth buried in my jeans suffocating an irritated groan.
“HOWARD! OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER! I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN! CAN WE TAKE A PICTURE PLEASE? AND CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?”
He turns his face toward a very much hyper girl, rubbing his ear against my knee “…sure, what’s your name? Perfect Timing?”
She giggles “EMILY, EMILY FOSTER. I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!”
I fear she might have a heart attack. “I can see that” he sighs and stands up.
“THIS IS MY SISTER, BUT DON’T MIND HER, SHE’S A JASON FAN! IS JASON HERE TOO? OH MY GOD, IS HE HERE TOO?” She eventually acknowledges my presence, still sitting in the car “HELLO! I’M EMILY! ARE YOU A FAN TOO?”
Looking at her I feel a sudden rush of sympathy for King Herod. She scans the parking lot “SO… NO JAY! TOO BAD! SIS HERE, GET THE CAMERA AND TAKE OUR PICTURE!”
He signs her notebook too. “THANK YOU SO MUCH HOWARD! THANK YOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU! COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOUR?”
I look at him and smile; he’s so patient, “of course, if I can”
“CAN YOU TELL MARK TO FIND HIMSELF A SHOPPING ASSISTANT? THE SHIRTS HE WEARS MAKE ME PUKE”
He laughs “no prob”.


Howard walks them to the minivan where their parents are waiting. I step out of the car, Sam reaches me, “who are they?” pointing at the two very happy girls dancing their way to the other side of the parking lot.
“Very enthusiastic fans, at least one of them is, the other one is Jason’s”
She shakes her head “here we go again. We’re back to square one, I’ve loved the fact I could walk around with my brother, or going to the movies or to a restaurant without having to fight for his attention. I guess it was good until it lasted”
“I was just like them”
“No, I don’t think so. I don’t want to know what happened between the two of you, just don’t mess with him. Because if you do I will have to beat the shit out of you”
“Me? I couldn’t, not even if I wanted to” I stop for a second trying to find the words “you are a smart woman, I can’t deny there’s something happening. But what you saw today is new to me. He usually doesn’t even look at me. He once described me as an annoying background noise” I shake my head “it must be the holidays, maybe we had too much Eggnog” *my body begs to differ though*
She’s about to add something when we see Howard coming our direction. “Who would have imagined it? A documentary and bang! We’re back with a vengeance” he’s not looking at me, so I guess we agree to pretend nothing happened and the last 30 minutes were just an unexpected intermission in our feature presentation.
I need to say something, “So, how come Camilla isn’t here?” I ask *and of course I have to name her…*
Howard lets one of the bottles fall into the ground, “sorry” he mumbles.
“The princess and the pea?” asks Sam
I nod “she has more nicknames than any internet user I know”
Sam shrugs “she’s probably pretending to be on the phone so she doesn’t have to talk to my family or she could be sleeping. What do you reckon Howard? Since she found out she cannot be hungry while sleeping it’s all she does. She has one pathetic life”
“Sam, enough”
“She’s a bitch, and you should dump her, once and for all, before she realizes her days are numbered and decides it’s time to give you an heir”
“I said enough” and he takes another large bag out of the trunk. He opens it and hands me a pair of hiking boots “these are Sam’s. You can put them on, they should fit you alright”
“Sure”, I take them and we both avoid eye contact.
He puts a large backpack on his shoulders “I’ll be carrying the first aid kit, some power bars, 2 waterproof fleeces, a flashlight and some other things we might need up there.”
“Are we coming back anytime before the end of the year?” I ask.
Sam pouts “we don’t need all that stuff. It’s a basic hike we’re doing today. You make it feels like we’re climbing Mount Everest”
He points his finger at her “number one, young lady, the weather can change and I don’t want the two of you having to hike soaking wet, number two, it’s basic stuff for us but not for her. She measures distances according to the King’s Road system. So for example the distance between our car and the main road equals the length of 2 King’s Road”
“Talking to me? I do not!” I say
“Yeah right, when was the last time you spent time outdoor, as in nature, and I don’t mean crossing the Chelsea Flower Market to go shopping?”
“That’s not the point!” I object
He smiles satisfied “I rest my case. Sam, you can carry your own camera equipment and each one of you has her own bottle of water.” He turns toward me “there’s another water spring at the top of the mountain, so it will have to last until then”
“Yes Sir!” they are about to start walking when I ask with a very low voice “so, just for information’s sake, how steep are we talking the trail is?”
Howard laughs “there are few steep parts, but it’s mostly a stroll, like taking the stairs instead of the elevator when you go to Harrods on sales time”
I shake my head, “you are so not funny”. We get to the point when the real trail begins, not a sound around us. Sam turns to us “I’m leading today. Titti, the most important thing when you hike is to find your own rhythm. Do not try to keep my or Howard’s pace. You find yours and you keep it. There’s no way you can get lost *try me, I think*, you just need to follow the main trail, the one going up, there’s no going right or left, only up. See ya!”
Howard adjusts the straps of his backpack and adds “as she said, keep your pace” which means that in less than 5 minutes they disappear in front of me.
I breathe deep “I can do it, I know I can do it”. I start walking, I don’t have my ipod with me. I guess I’m supposed to enjoy nature at its best but my mind starts to wonder *Howard ~ no, not him, Jason, repeat after me almost cheating cow ~ Jason. Sure but I was about to kiss him. Wonder what he tastes like… chocolate, I bet it’s chocolate. You are supposed to enjoy an afternoon out* so I spread my arms and start singing “The hills are alive with the sound of musicWith songs they have sung for a thousand yearsThe hills fill my heart with the sound of musicMy heart wants to sing every song it hearsMy heart wants to beat like the wings of the birdsthat rise from the lake to the trees.”
My mind goes off thinking about Howard as Captain Von Trapp *tight pants…mmmmm, having his children, getting some action in order to have his children…coldddd showerrrrr …better keep singing*“My heart wants to sigh like a chime that fliesfrom a church on a breezeTo laugh like a brook when it trips and falls overstones on its wayTo sing through the night like a lark who is learning to prayI go to the hills when my heart is lonelyI know I will hear what I've heard beforeMy heart will be blessed with the sound of musicAnd I'll sing once more”
I stop and realize I don’t have any clue where I am. Trees all around, no human sounds, and I’m going left, not up. Sam was very clear, ‘go up’.
*don’t panic ~ speak for yourself* and I do the only thing my poor brain can come up with, I start screaming at the top of my lungs “HOWARDDDDDD!”
After few minutes no-one is coming to my rescue and I’m getting scared. I jump at every little sound, and I’m cold, and my feet hurt, and I feel like crying. I stand in the middle of a glade, not moving a muscle, hoping not to be attacked by some wild animals. I live inside a library, I don’t even know if there are wild beasts around here.
I am the most miserable I’ve ever felt in whole my life. And cold, especially cold. I hear a series of cracking noises coming my direction, I close my eyes *please Santa, make it be Howard and not some hungry beast*