STAND 17

I look outside the window. 4 days and I haven’t heard from Howard. I’ve tried many times to reach Sam but she refuses to take my calls.
We’re in our room, packing our stuff ready to go back to London. I mean, Jason is packing our staff, carefully folding every piece of clothing we brought with us. Shoes inside dedicated bag shoes, toiletries divided up according to their use, so we have hair care products, blue zipolock bag, body products, pink ziplock bag, my make up, maroon ziplock bag.
I look at him mesmerized. I roll on the bed so I’m lying on my stomach. I rest my face on my hands. “How does it feel to be such a control freak?”
He throws a pillow at me “Easy for you to say! You’re an only child. Your parents are scientists. I bet you had minimal furniture and no chaos around you while growing up”
“Thanks for reminding me my sad childhood. Control freak” and I throw the pillow back at him hitting the pile of shirts he’s just finished folding. They resist gravity for a split second to eventually fall on the floor.
He puts his hands on his hips “thanks so much. Now I have to start that again! Do you think I’m having fun?”
“Honestly? I do!” and I giggle
He shakes his head, “I’m not a control freak, I just need things around me to be perfect and in order. Everything must have its own place. I grew up in a household with 8 other people. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have no personal space? I’m a twin for heaven’s sake, I had to share my mother’s womb too!”
I laugh at his last remark.
“I need to have control over my life” he adds
“So, what are you exactly doing with me?” I’m expecting a witty remark in return but he picks the shirts up and steps closer to me sitting on the bed.
“What I am doing with you…” he looks at me “I don’t know but I can’t help it”
I place my chin on his lap, wrapping my arms around his leg.
“If any other woman had treated my mother the way you did, she would be history by now. You? You are still here.” He seems to be thinking carefully about what to say next “Do you want to be here?”
I bury my face on his lap. He takes my shoulders forcing me to look at him “Do you want to be here? You know the door’s open”
“Do you want me to go?”
“Don’t answer a question with another question. I know all the tricks and no matter what you think of me I’m not stupid.”
*this is my way out. Now I can decide. But Howard hasn’t called back. Maybe it was just a dream. Maddi is wrong. He’s the love of my life* I sit up to face him “I’m here because I want to be here with you. Do you want me stay?”
He kisses me “of course I do.” He stares at me so intensely I feel like he’s eyes are piercing through my body. “So we agree we won’t talk about what happened on Christmas day, ever. I don’t want to know who, where or what upset you so much, especially who”
I look at him puzzled.
“Titti, as I said, I am not that stupid. Better finish packing now”
“But”
He cups my face “Ok, let me see if I can spell it out for you. Right now, you have two options, option number one. You tell me what happened, we have a major fight, you know, name calling and yelling and slamming of doors and it’s over between us. Because I cannot accept or forgive betrayal, never. Or option number two, you tell me you want to stay and we forget about the past”
I throw my arms around him “nothing happened, I swear to you”
“I bet your brain begs to differ” he whispers while his arms circle my waist.
“Let me stay Jay, please let me stay. I’m just confused, that’s all”
“Confused is not acceptable. You need to be sure”
I sigh “I do. I want to be here”
“And no more secrets or private jokes with Maddi”
“None”
“Good. Need really to fold those shirts now”
He stands up walking to the window and I realize for the first time what a fool I’ve been.
He finishes emptying the drawers, he’s holding something in his hand. Turns to face me. “Honey, I’ve meant to ask you for a few days now, this scarf, the one you’ve been wearing so much lately, when did you buy it?”
I look at it trying to keep a very casual tone “I had it forever, I think I bought in Paris few months ago”
“You sure? I’ve never seen it before we got to Manchester”
I stand up and take it from his hand “for god’s sake Jay, it’s just a scarf”
“You’re right, I’m sorry, give it back, I’ll put it in the bag”
“No need to, I’ll wear it” and I wrap it around my neck, trying to remember what Howard looked like when he did it for me on Butt Green.

We’re placing our suitcases in the car and Maddi looks at me like a man who has just been sentenced to death.
“I know you. You’ve been having that stupid grin on your face since the Jacuzzi incident. Go ahead, say it. I want to be done with it. But you’re allowed one joke only, so choose it carefully” she hisses
“One?” and I giggle “Only one? That is so unfair! I have at least 9 and 4 of them are awesome!”
“I said one” and she places her hands on hips.
“Fine, one it is!” I try to remain serious “…well… after seeing your beloved Markie in all his glory I must agree with Mr. Disney…it’s a small world after all!” and I duck avoiding her hand “You Italian bitch. Size does not matter!”
“I hope it for you my dear!” and we both laugh.
“Why is Jason looking at you like that?” she asks
“Like what?” I’m so playing dumb
“Like he bloody owns you. I don’t know… it’s different, bad different I mean”
I sigh “we had a nice talk. He asked me if I wanted to end our relationship and I said not. End of story”
“Does he know?”
“Not the details, not that he’s Howard, but yes, he does”
“And you stayed”
“I’m here, can’t you see?”
“You made a huge mistake”



I’m walking back to BL after my lunch break. My mobile rings.
“Titti, where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to call you all day. Maybe is Jason… maybe he thinks we’re spending too much time together…”
“Maddi, stop it”
“He’s turning you into a bloody Stepford wife”
“He’s not” I laugh “I had lunch with my friend from Random House. I gave him an abstract of Gerry’s book and a couple of chapters. I have a very good feeling about it”
“Don’t tell me I’m about to lose our bet”
“Yes my old and bitter German friend. I think we have a publisher”
“I’m officially impressed. So, do I get to see you tonight? I haven’t seen you in an entire week. We need to catch up”
“I can’t. Dinner with my hubby. We need to review his last 3 chapters, their timeline isn’t working properly and I’m pretty sure he screwed on a couple of fact checks…”
“You lost me already. I’m making a fruit cake, you know, the one with cherries on top, and custard…”
“Stop it, I can feel my cellulite growing already”
“So, is Jason really ok with the Gerry thing?”
“The Gerry thing? Of course he is, we’re such a stereotype. Gerry and I are the perfect married couple, and Mr. Orange likes everything to be just perfect”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, we’re young, gorgeous, at least I am” and I giggle. “We have interesting civilized conversations, we share the same interests in life and we do NOT have sex. We’re the average English married couple”
“I liked you better when you were in the BING BAM BUM land. I’ll see you tomorrow I guess”
“I don’t know, I’m sorry Maddi. I’m not avoiding you, I think Jay’s plans already”
“Of course he does. Dinner at Lara’s, remember?”
I freeze “shit! I mean, are you coming too?”
She laughs “Since it’s a dinner to celebrate the beginning of Take That tour rehearsal all the members of the band are invited, I thought you would guess it. Or were you thinking it was going to be you, the orange, and a couple of tea ladies? You’re coming, aren’t you?”
My stomach takes off from the springboard, rotates, and with multiple twists and somersaults entries the water with minimum amount of splash. The Olympic judges give its dive a stand up ovation. I swallow hard. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can. I might have to shave, or die, or overthrow a legitimate government somewhere in Africa”
“You have to come. My countdown is well underway! I mean, you and Diddilydoguie in the same room. After all that happened? And I’ll be the only one to know” and she giggles “consider it my birthday present”
“You do realize you just wan an all inclusive trip to hell, don’t you?”
“It’s worth it. I can feel the tension building, the music rising. Unless you’re sincere and you’re totally over him”
“I am. Believe me. It’s just going to be awkward and I don’t like to be under pressure”
“I’ll be there for you”
“No need to. It has been almost 10 days now. I’m so fine I can’t help but feeling so stupid about I’ll the fuss I made about it…”
“Shut up hun. I will be there”
I sigh “Thanks”

I sit at my desk, a couple of manuscripts on it, should really start analyzing them. I stare at my PC. I open my ‘Divine Comedy, 1456 edition, Montecassino Monastery’ file. Read the last paragraph I wrote, and start typing “I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you, I’m over you” until it’s time to go home. Maybe Maddi is right. I am going to need her support tomorrow.

I’m about to have dinner with Gerry, in my flat.
“So how was your New Year’s Eve with your beloved dancer?” he asks
“None of your business”
“It’s my business, you are my wife!” he mocks me
“Oh! You send shivers down my spine when you talk to me like that! Such a strong, rough man! I should have never let you go!” I giggle “Oh silly me! I did not let you go. I’m still paying all your bills”
He frowns “just wait to hear my acceptance speech for the Noble price. You’ll be impressed”
I laugh “What would impress me now is some dinner. Where’s my junk food?”
We here the ‘bling’ of the microwave “here it is my fair lady. Take a sit in front of the telly. Don’t forget mayo and ketch-up hun”
“Never”
“So how are things going with the dancer?”
“He has a name”
“Interesting, and can he spell it?”
“mmmm…” and I nod eating my KFC. “He calls you Mr. Free Ride”
“I’m an artist”
“I think he described you as a loser, capital L”
“Wanker” he replies
“Yeah, he used that word too”
He ignores my last remark. “Could you please turn it off?”
“What?”
“Your bloody brain, I’m trying to watch the movie”
“What’s wrong with the three of you and my brain?”
He puts his plate down and wipes his fingers on his pants “three? Did you just say three?”
“Forget about it”
“So” and he counts using his fingers “in order of their importance we have, the charming writer, the tall dancer and….” He looks at me “come on Titti, I know you, you’re dying to tell me… come on”
“No” I pout crossing my arms
“Come on, I know you want to tell your hubby…. I won’t be jealous…” he teases me
“and the hot DJ” I whisper “but you cannot tell anyone” I warn him.
“A DJ? You used to be such a classy lady” and hugs me. I see his eyes widen, “DJ as in…” I nod again.
“You’re in such deep shit you’ll need a diving suit dear, are you spending the night here?”
“Yes, cannot face Jason now”