STAND 19

I follow Lara across the room, keeping my eyes down, looking at my new lace top and my skirt. *I could have saved the money* I feel a sick lurch in my stomach, having the feeling I was about to mess up my entire life and make a fool of myself for nothing. *how could you believe him? how?*
She opens the door to the kitchen inviting me in.
“Titti I don’t know what to say. I mean I talked to him this morning and…”
I silence her raising my hand. “Enough! I’ve been telling you and Maddi there was nothing between us. Never was and never will be! It must be the hormones or PMS or global warming, but I almost believed in it for a second. This is not a game Lara. I was about to leave Jason for this. I was so close the other day. And what for? Your own fantasy. Out there is a man who cannot keep his pants on for more than 20 minutes. You saw him. And you saw her. She’s his kind of woman and I am very happy for him. Can we stop talking about it now? I just want to enjoy your company. It’s no longer important, it doesn’t matter. Really”.
She’s about to answer me when the door opens. Howard is walking backwards, facing his friends in the living room “I’ll get something decent to drink. White wine Gaz! What is it? Bloody Ascot?” and they all laugh.
He turns toward us, showing a couple of empty glasses and a stupid grin on his face. He looks at her first and at me then.
“La, my love, we will need some serious refill in here”
“You have hands, legs and enough brain to help yourself I believe” she replies cold.
“Why are you mad at me?” talking to her but staring at me *do not even think about looking away. This is a game of cat and mouse and you cannot let him win*
She rolls her eyes “I’m past being mad at you Doug. I give up.”
“Women, such a mystery to me! We haven’t had a chance to properly catch up. I had an interesting Christmas break La, want to hear about it?”
I picture myself holding a blade in my hand and erasing that damn sardonic smile off his face.
Lara looks at him puzzled “I don’t know what you think you’re doing but I don’t like it. Titti and I are trying to have a conversation, so if you’ll excuse us”
“I see… too bad I cannot participate” still looking into my eyes “the Italian lady and I are in no speaking terms” he hisses. “By the way, you might want to tell Titti to watch her back. My sister is really pissed. She froze her butt off in Scotland. Stuck in an isolated cottage with me and a bottle of Jack Daniels. She said she’s gonna kick her sorry ass and make her regret the day she met her. I know her. She’s gonna do it. She’s petite but she’s tough”
Now it’s just the two of us. Lara slowly walks toward the fridge, pretending to be busy with some beverages.
“I tried to call you” I whisper biting my lips, my eyes scan his face, trying to find a trace of the Howard who took me hiking.
He doesn’t take the chance I’m offering him to talk to me. All he has to do is to lean his head toward me and tell me what he really feels. But he opens his arms instead. “Yeah, I’ve noticed, hard not to. What can I say? I’ve been busy” and raises his eyebrow.
I stare at him *who are you?*
Lara is getting closer to us again, looking at him in disbelief.
“Doug, you’re working your magic! Scaring me and pissing me off at the same time. Maybe you should go back to your friends now”
“I have no manners!” and smacks his forehead “The fact we’re not technically speaking doesn’t mean I have the right to be rude! Let me introduce my new, outstanding significant other. He opens the door and almost yells “Rebecca love, can you come over here?”
She walks to him smiling. Stops by his side and slides her hand down his back and onto his belt. Her middle finger disappears inside the back of his jeans. *what is she, a dog? Is she marking her territory?*
“Rebecca this is Titti. She’s with Jay. Very much in love with him.”
“Nice to meet you” she says. But before I can say something back she whispers something in his ear and they both giggle.
*I hate you. I want to see you dead. Both of you. The beauty and the beast* and I force myself to smile “you look great together. I’m so glad you found someone so soon Doug. I mean being alone for a whole hour must have been so scary. Rebecca, is Rebecca isn’t it?”
She nods. “Doug and I hit a rough patch. He called Jason while we were having sex and I fear I was really impolite. I’m glad you helped him forget about our little misunderstanding”
He kisses her cheek “what phone call? Ahhh the one on New Year’s Eve… it’s all forgotten honey. I have something else in my mind now”
“Short attention span can be a burden” Lara tells him “and I’ll need to have a word with you now”
“I’m sorry Lara, I know I’m new around here” Rebecca purrs “but I can’t let go of him. You never know, some other woman could be ready to steal him from me” and kisses him.
The two of them snogging in front of me is more than I can take. “Excuse me” I whisper and head to the bathroom to splash my face with cold water.


I walk back into the living room trying to look cool and in control. *yeah good luck with that*. Maddi sees me and before Gary’s brother can approach me with some stupid joke about Howard’s hot robot she gets closer and sings into my ear “It's so easy now, cos you got friends you can trust,
Friends will be friends,
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention,
Friends will be friends,
When you're through with life and all hope is lost,
Hold out your hand cos friends will be friends, right till the end..”
I smile “Freddie Mercury rule!… You’re a true friend Maddi”. I drink some more wine and breathe deep.
“What happened in there?” she asks me looking at the kitchen
I bite my lip, “is the king of all liars”
“He’s the dead king of all liars” she corrects me
“They’re going on tour. We need him”
“So he just bought himself few months. Details please! I’m a pro, I need to know how much he has to suffer before kissing the world of the living goodbye”
“He had the nerve to introduce her to me! Can you imagine? He was standing there, looking at me the way he used to. You know, like when you’re getting ready for a hot date and you see a pimple on your chin. I am his pimple. Stupid son of a …”
She raises her eyebrow, “You are not a pimple and now I know why he has so much hair, his head is fool of shit! The best fertilizer you can find in nature!”
I try to remain serious but in spite the fact I bite my lips I can’t repress laughter.
“You’re on the right path Titti! Let it all out, here’s my evil plan. We make fun of him first and we beat him to a pulp later”
I shake my head “how could I be so wrong? I know what happened on Butt Green. I was sure he felt something for me. And he had the guts to snog her in front of me.”
“Gross! But you need to resist. He doesn’t have to think he wan. It’s just a dinner. We’re going out afterwards. Just the two of us, and maybe Lara. We get drunk and we smash his bloody car”
It’s time to dig the old me out of my misery. I cannot let a brainless DJ trample over me like I’m some magic carpet making his ego fly. “I think I’ve seen her somewhere already” I tell her with a wicked smile while looking at Rebecca.
“Me too! She was on the fall/winter European whores catalogue! Page 23, right by Mark’s ex-girlfriend.”
I chuckle holding onto my glass “thanks” I mouth.
“He doesn’t deserve you. And as much as it hurts to say it, you were right. You did the right thing staying with Jason. He would never do anything like that. I mean, he can be deadly boring but at least he’s not a cheating liar”
I look at her in disbelief “are you saying you were wrong about something? Oh Mamma mia! Too many emotions in one day. I might need to lie down”
“Not only, remember what the Monty Pyton used to say, always look on the bright side of life”
“Is there one? I might need a radar to find it Maddi”
“No you don’t and of course there’s one. Who would want to date a freak?”
I look at he puzzled.
“Your Doug, can’t you see him?” and we both stare at Howard “He’s a mythological creature… half man, half dickhead”
I almost choke on my drink while covering my mouth repressing a loud laugh.
“Titti, do you want to see my new Barbie doll?” Sophie is pulling my dress to get my attention.
“I would love to” I try to answer her. And we sit on the sofa. Maddi follows us and leans against the armrest.
“Uncle Howard brought it for me from Scotland. He couldn’t come to visit us in Hawaii but Santa left it for me at his house. Isn’t she beautiful?”
I look at her doll. Maddi’s in a roll and whispers in my ear, “if he chose it, she must be the brand new Bitch Barbie”, that’s the moment when our faces go all red and we start snorting hysterically.
Jason gets closer throwing us a disapproving look “what’s so funny?”
I can see tears in the corners of Maddi’s eyes. She’s trying to cover her laughter with a cough.
I try to catch my breath “nothing Jay. Just something about Sophie’s Barbie doll”
He squats in front of me “I thought we agreed no more private jokes with your German friend” he hisses
I look at him surprised “we’re just having a laugh”
“Well cut it!” and goes back to Gary.
“What’s wrong with him?” Maddi asks me
“He’s getting closer Maddi, I can tell from the way he looks at me. It’s a good thing nothing is going to happen. One more clue is all he needs…”


Lara eventually manages to get Howard’s undivided attention and drags him into the study.
“Let go of me La, what will your husband think? Show some self-control!” he says amused.
“Who the fuck is she?” and points at Rebecca through the glass door.
“Do you like her?” and he smirks
“Don’t play smartass with me! 6 hours ago you didn’t want to come here because you could not stand to see Titti and Jason together and now you show up with a date? And snogging her like that in front of us! Bleah! I heard you loud and clear this morning and I bought your pathetic whining on how sad your life is without her. I feel so stupid now! Titti was right. I don’t know you. I don’t know how you treat the other women. You are a gigantic moron Howard. A pathetic womanizer. I’m so disappointed and upset. I don’t know you anymore”
He stares at her, arms crossed, his face betrays no emotion. “You should give me some credit La”
“I’m gonna give you a piece of my mind mister! You should be ashamed! Do you have any idea of what you’re dealing with?”
“Isn’t she perfect?” and looks at his date
She gives him a murderous look “how did you find her?”
“We were introduced by a mutual friend. Isn’t she perfect?”
“You are so incredibly stupid”
“No really, don’t you think she’s perfect?”
“She is” she sighs “but I thought you were finally over the fling thing. It’s time to grow up Howard”
“You’re gonna regret all you’re saying La. But I forgive you because I love you and I know you mean well. I have to tell you something. But you need to swear on Gary’s head you won’t tell anyone what I’m about to say”
She rolls her eyes “fine! I can’t just wait for another of your pathetic excuses”
“Swear”
She raises her right hand and says “I solemnly swear I won’t tell a living soul the gigantic bullishit you’re about to say to me”
“So we do agree she’s the perfect date”
“I told you already! Why?”
“Because she’s costing me a bloody fortune” and stares at her, waiting for her reaction.
Lara’s eyes open wide “she’s…she’s…” she bangs her hand on the desk “you brought a hooker into my house?”
He nods smiling at her like he’s telling her he discovered a cure for the asshole syndrome he clearly suffers from. “As I told you, I’m gonna do things my way. I want her and I don’t trust your systems too much. So I’m trying mine”
“What are you? 5? This isn’t a game! I want you to go out there and tell your escort to go back home. Show’s over”
“No way! Have you seen the look on her face? I mean I cannot stare at her all the time, but I have the feeling she’s really pissed. She needs to realize I’m the one she wants”
“She already knows that”
“No she doesn’t. I was sure she wasn’t going to come. I though she could not bear the thought of being in the same room with me, and Jason and all of you. If she hadn’t showed up I would have called her immediately and told her all the things I’ve wanted to tell her since the day I saw her at Ritz. But she’s here and she’s with him still. It sounds like she hasn’t made up her mind to me. As I said I’m gonna do it my way”
“Can I ask you something? Are you programmed to be so stupid or it’s just a last minute thing?”
“I know what I’m doing”
“You are one tall kid Howard. This is the most stupid plan I’ve ever heard of and you’re going to regret it”
He smirks “we’ll see about that”.