STAND 25

While walking to the house my legs are all wobbly and my body still tingles from where Howard touched me, kissed me. I don’t know how I can face Jason feeling like that.

I catch my breath and open the door using my keys. If I’m lucky he decided not to wait for me and went out. I slowly push the door open. The lights are off and I walk to the kitchen, I need to drink some water, need to wash away the sensations my body is still feeling. I place a hand on the wall to steady myself.
“Where the fuck have you been?” Jason’s voice comes from a dark spot in the living room. He’s harsh and furious, a new Jason I don’t know yet.
*don’t turn the lights on* I fear he might see Howard’s fingerprints on my body “I went out for food and I got carried away” my voice is low, trying to keep it from trembling.
“With Lara?”
*breathe, breathe, breathe*
“I’m asking you one more time, were you with Lara?”
“…yes…” I whisper
“Interesting. Is there any specific reason why Lara drives Howard’s car? Because it was his car parked outside my house before”
*damn it* “…and Howard, he came too. We went for some fish and chips. I’m sorry. I got carried away. I’m no longer used to junk food. I had a sugar rush. I had to take it out of my system” I’m almost not breathing *Jason please I’m sorry, I don’t to want to end us with a fight*
“What’s going on between the two of you?” he sounds like someone asking if the train is going to be on time
“We just went to a pub…”
“DO NOT OFFEND MY INTELLIGENCE” he’S standing up now and walking towards me “he’s pretty good at taking what he wants. And you already turned to him once I didn’t give you what you asked for”
“I was 15 and I…”
He’s not listening a word I say “I just didn’t think you were so cheap. What was it? A shag down memory lane? You don’t even like him for heaven’s sake!”
I look at him in disbelief, what happened was not planned. He has no right to treat me like a cheap slapper, “fuck you Jason” I hiss.
“Did you shag him?”
“I didn’t! Who do you think I am?” there’s no stopping now “maybe I should, let me call him and see if he’s in the mood, I could use a real man for a change!”
“Whore!”
“You know what? I’m just gonna grab my stuff and be out of here in no time!”
“Hell you are” and runs after me up the stairs. He grabs my arm and holds it tight. He’s pinning me against the wall. I’m having a hard time keeping my balance since my feet are standing on two different steps and he’s pushing me hard. All of the sudden I’m scared.
“Let go off me, you’re hurting me”
“I’m not even started yet. Now you be a good girl” and caresses my hair. His hand is heavy over my head. “You go change into something nicer, and we go out”
I look at him surprised, “are you out of your mind? I’m not going anywhere with you. I said let me go!” I try to break free but I’m no match.
His grip tightens, “don’t keep your hopes up. I’m not done with you. We’ll just put out fight on hold. Today at 5 my mother, Justin and Dominic came by. She bought a special present for you. To make it up for what happened at Christmas.” He laughs sarcastically. “Can’t wait to tell her she was right about you…”
“Jason…”
“SHUT UP! She’s gone now, my brothers took her to the airport. That’s why I wanted you to be here. But you decided to go out with Doug. You said…” I can see he’s struggling to find the words, he breaths deep “…or maybe I got it all wrong and it’s you winding him up”
“Stop it, please”
“I SAID SHUT UP!” he pushes me so hard against the wall I have trouble breathing “You go change, my brothers are waiting for us at a restaurant. Their girlfriends will be there too and I’ll be damned if I let you turn me into a laughing stock in front of my family. Get changed now. I trust you can pretend you actually give a shit about me for a few hours. You’re a cheap cheat but I’m sure you can do it. Make sure you don’t disappoint me again. You have no idea what I’m capable of. I told you already. I cannot forgive betrayal”. He checks his watch. “You have 5 minutes”. He lets go off me, I catch my breath, unable to move. We stand there, face to face. “You have 4 minutes now” he says. I look at him and I walk into our room.

I can’t even think about what’s happening, about what happened this afternoon. I just need to comply with Jason’s request. I wear my dark blue dress, brush my hair and have a last look at my reflection in the mirror. I walk down the stairs. Jason is waiting by the door, holding my coat and my mobile. “You’re 2 minutes late”
I get closer and wear my coat. I’m at loss for words. *I used to love you*
“You’re mate texted you. He apologized. I’m wondering what he could have done to you”. He’s towering me, leans his mouth on my ear “who am I kidding? I know exactly what he did” he whispers and I feel his hand caressing my inner thigh.
“Stop it!” and I almost jump backwards
He circles my waist with his other arm, pulling me closer to him “don’t worry. I wouldn’t touch you if my life depended on it. And when Doug reads your text, I guess he’ll join the club”
“What did you write to him?” I’m fighting the tears, I’m so mad at him, and at myself for still being there. “Let me go Jay, please, let me go” I place my hands on his chest.
He uses his free hand to stroke my hair “just few words, don’t remember exactly… it was something about making a big mistake, and you being madly in love with me… what can I say, I’ve always loved science fiction. Let’s go now” and places a kiss on my forehead.

The conversation I have during dinner is surreal. We’re laughing and chatting. I’m behaving the way Jason wants me to. I’m scared. I know he would never really hurt me but I saw a side of him I didn’t know existed. And I also need to call Howard, but Jason still has my mobile and I don’t know his number by heart. He stares at me all the time, he either talks to Justin – about me, I’m sure - or stares at me. I feel like an insect under a microscope.

We’re eventually driving back home. I’m trying to untangle the mess in my head. He pulls over. I look around me, no lights or houses, just trees and darkness, “where are we?”
He sighs and looks at me.
“Jason, where are we? Why did you stop?” I’m shit-scared now.
He moves a hand toward my face, I raise both mine to protect myself. He freezes “Oh god, no” his voice his so soft “I could never hurt you…oh god, I’m sorry babe, I’m so sorry, I could never… before…I was so mad. You didn’t answer my calls I feared something happened …and his car…”
I look back at him trying to understand what is telling me, I slowly lower my hands. He forces me into a warm hug placing butterfly kisses all over my face “I’m sorry…so sorry…” he cups my face with his hands. “I talked to Justin, he’s right, if he apologized it means you told him off. I’m so sorry”
*Oh fuck* “Take me home Jason, I want to go home, mine. Now. Please”
He looks into my eyes and smiles “are you sure? I need to make it up to you” and tries to kiss me. I close my lips very tight moving my head to the right. He looks disappointed.
“I want to go home. I beg of you”
“Fine”
“And I want my mobile back”

I get off the car and I can’t add a single word. I walk slowly to the main door, open it and once I’m safely inside my building I seat on the floor, my back to the wall hugging my knees to my chest and I start sobbing. I let it all out. I eventually wipe the tears from my face and knock on the door of my flat.
Gerry opens it, he’s wearing his glasses – meaning he was working – it takes him a minute to realize it’s really me. “Titti, Titti!” and hugs me tight. “This is a wonderful surprise! Well, come in, make yourself at home”, our favorite joke.
I clench my hands on his back, not letting him go.
He leans his head on my shoulder, “you’re shivering, what happened?”
I look at him and he sees I cried.
He strokes my hair, “Jason?”
I nod.
“What about the DJ?”
“Him too” I whisper and start crying again.
“No, no, you cannot afford to cry, you’ll get wrinkles and if you lose your good looks I might have to take you back and god forbid!” he says wiping the tears from my face. “Come inside now”
“I’m staying here tonight, hope you don’t mind”
“Mi casa es su casa. Literally” and laughs
I laugh back “it wouldn’t be if you weren’t here. I don’t know what I’ll do without you Gerry”
“Of course you do, you would have a pathetic love life”
“Stop laughing, it’s not funny”
“To you maybe. Wanna talk about it?”
“No”
“Fancy a sympathy shag?”
I look at him puzzled “what is it? No, I don’t wanna know.” I shake my head. “And no, I don’t want your… thing.. I’m going to bed, I’m knackered”.

The following morning I tiptoe outside the apartment. My head still hurts. I need to think and decide what to do. I grab a coffee at Starbucks and call Maddi. She’s horribly cheerful. “Guten Morgen! How are you today? Don’t tell me you talked to Jason. Told me you didn’t do anything stupid”
“Tough questions, it’s Monday morning, you should show some mercy”
I can picture her rolling her eyes.
“Spent the afternoon with Howard, we had fish and chips, apple pie”
She interrupts me singing “tell me more, tell me more, like did he have a car?”
“Again, why are we friends?”
“Did you shag him?”
“You too! No I didn’t. I’m breaking up with Jason today. And calling Howard afterwards. I can’t take this any more”
“You mean you can’t take that, anymore?” I bet she’s really proud of the pun. God!
“I’m gonna hang up, right now” I pretend to be pissed
“Are we still having lunch together?”
“Come by BL at 1. I’ll be the woman in blue”
“Ciao”

I’m in my office, trying to explain James the way he needs to file a report when my phone rings. “Can you take that James?” *fuck, I’m punning myself, this is pathetic. It’s Maddi, she’s contagious*.
“But it’s you phone, on your desk” he says shyly
“I know, but it belongs to BL, moreover I’m busy with your report, so I trust you can pick it up for me”
“Sure, I’m sorry, but what if they want to talk to you?”
“It’s my phone, so I guess there’s a high chance it may happen. Tell you what, let’s be daring and see if they’re calling the wrong number!” I look at him walking to my desk, trying to reach for the phone he knocks down my lamp. He tries to grab it before it hits the floor and manages to unplug his computer. I smile at myself, *you’re middle name should be Goofy*. He’s so busy trying to solve the mess he made I fear he might strangle himself with one of the wires.
I leave his seat “don’t worry James, I’ll get it”. I pick it up “Dr. Martini speaking”. James smiles at me embarrassed, I wink at him tapping my fingers on my desk.
“Dr. Martin, I’m sorry to bother you. This is Joseph from security”
“Hi Joseph, what can I do for you?”
“Well, there’s a gentleman here, he says he wants to see you but he doesn’t have a pass, nor he’s on today’s list. He laughed when I called you doctor too.”
“It’s Monday, people have the right to be crazy. Just give him a form to fill in. Standard procedure”
“I did, he doesn’t know what choice to check. You know, among the 5 ones under the ‘reason for your visit’ question”
“Are you sure he wants to see me?”
“Absolutely”
“Hold on, let me check … James, what do we have in agenda today?”
“The dept meeting at 10, another one with the representatives of the Library of Congress at noon. And my big presentation in the afternoon” and he dry his sweaty hand on his pants
“Don’t worry, you’ll conquer them”
“I hope so”
“Do we have any special visit planned for today?”
He checks again “nothing”
“Thanks….Joseph, according to our schedule we’re expecting no-one. Why don’t you graciously tell him we’re busy and ask him to call another day?”
“I will, sorry again”
“No problem” I hang up. “So, where were we? Are you done destroying the office?” I mock him
“Not so sure…”
The phone rings again “hello, Dr. Martini speaking”
“It’s Joseph, again, I’m so sorry but he won’t leave”
“Call security” and I hang up. “Should we go over your notes again James?”
“I’d love to”
The phone rings for the first time “what is today?” I pick it up “HELLO!”
“I’m so, so sorry, he says he knows you”
“Is he still there?”
“Yes, he asked me to tell you two words. I don’t know I can”
“Joseph, I have a lot of work to do, I trust you can tell them so we can be done with it”
“He said, Miss Piggy, as in the Muppet Show”
“I know!” I sit down, my knees are weak, my stomach is in turmoil. I bet my face must be of a nice shade of gray since James is looking at me concerned. “Is he still there?”
“Yes”
“Tall, curly brown hair, blue eyes?”
“Yes”
“Tell him I’ll be right down. Don’t let him leave the building. I’m on my way”
“Yes Doc..” but I let the receiver fall on my desk while I run to the door.