STAND 32

I pick his t-shirt off the floor and I wear it. “I’m not going anywhere! What the hell it’s wrong with you?”
He walks toward me and grab my arms shaking me “OUT! How could you do it to me? How?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about” I whisper. This is so different from any of my fights with Jason. I have no power to yell or stand up for myself. I feel like something inside me just broke.
“What time did you come back last night? ANSWER ME!”
“Two” I’m not even sure he can hear me, my voice is nothing more than a slight noise.
“Interesting! My sister says you left her at midnight! SO! What did you do for two hours? Or even better! Who did you do for two hours?”
I look at him in disbelief “you think… that I…” I cannot even look at him. I free myself, grab my clothes and get dressed.
“ANSWER ME”
I tie my hair in a loose bun and look for my handbag “it’s downstairs” I mumble to myself. I walk past him and run down the stairs. He follows me. “DON’T YOU WALK OUT ON ME! I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW WHO YOU’RE SHAGGING! I WILL HAVE TO GIVE JASON PLENTY OF INFORMATION! I OWE HIM! HE TRIED TO WARN ME BUT I DIDN’T LISTEN”
I stop dead in my tracks, turn around, and walk back to him. I’m breathing heavy too. I stare at him and then I slap him. With all my strength. He doesn’t flinch “you cannot hurt me more than you already did” he says.
I bite my lip “one thing you got right. You are a moron.” I try to breathe and not to cry “want to know where I went last night?”
“No” he whispers
“Too late.” I need to focus “I left the theatre because I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I wanted to do something special. For you. I went to see Gerry. We talked. We agreed to file for divorce. We decided to lodge our petition on Monday.” I catch my breath “we also agreed he’ll keep living in my apartment until his book is published and he will have some money of his own. And I was going to tell you I was moving in with you. No matter what you thought about it and we would have a laugh. But you had to ruin everything!”
He looks at me, lost of words. I grab my purse and open the door “how could you think I cheated on you?” I’m about to walk out when he pushes the door closed right in front of me and circle my waist with his other hand resting his chest against my back.
“LET ME GO!”
“No”
“You fucking moron! I almost believed you for an entire second! I said let me go” I try to break free but I am no match for him and I cannot move.
He’s burying his face into my neck, holding me with both arms now. He’s breathing hard.
“Let me go” I repeat
He holds me tighter “I’m so sorry” he whispers “I don’t know what happened to me”
“I bet you are and I don’t give a shit. Let me go. I’ll never make the same mistake again. I trusted you. LET ME GO”
He kisses my neck “no, I’m so so sorry” and forces me to turn around. I look at him in the eyes ready to yell all the offences I know in both languages when I see his face. He’s sorry, really sorry, and defeated and scared. “Don’t go. Please don’t go” and places butterfly kisses on my face.
“Stop it”
“Don’t go” and keep on kissing me
I simply give in. “Promise me, promise me you won’t doubt me ever again”
He kisses me deeply “I swear babe I swear” and hugs me. My body sinks into his. We stay there, silent and motionless for a very long time. I gently rub his back but I know he needs some more time. Every once in while he kisses my neck, or my face.
“Howard, honey…it’s over now” and I stroke his hair
He finally looks at me “I love you, it’s just that…”
“I know…” I bite my lip and smile “I lost count of the times I’ve called you moron since our Christmas match”
He kisses me “it has become my middle name”
“You need to stop listening to your demons. We cannot go on like that. Do you understand? Jason’s ultimatum is not longer tolerable. From now one I’ll come along and if I see you talking to him for more than 45 seconds I promise I’ll kick your sorry ass all the way to Manchester”
He nods.
And we’re still there, standing in front of the door, whispering nonsense and kissing when we hear Sam saying “I’m so, so, sorry. See? It runs in the family, it’s almost a medical condition. But I really really need to get out of here. Last time I checked I was no Spiderman, so I’ll have to use that door” and points behind us. I try to free myself from Howard’s embrace so I can move to the side but he doesn’t let me. “I’m not going anywhere love” I whisper into his hear. “Sam has to go”
“Yes bro, Sam has to go!” and she’s shifting her body from one foot to another. “Howard pleaseeeee” she begs then looks at me “FYI I told him there was a good explanation, which I haven’t heard, even though you were screaming like a painting by Munch and I was two feet away. Howard move please, I’m gonna be late”
He doesn’t turn toward her, but keeps holding me and gently pushes me on the side. Sam looks at me concerned. ‘He’s gonna be alright’ I mouth and wave. She smiles back and leaves.
He hears the door closing, sighs and looks into my eyes “I am so sorry”
I bury my fingers into his hair “I know. Enough now. I still haven’t had my breakfast”
“You sure?”
“That I’m starving? Pretty positive”
“No, that you don’t want to fight any longer. You know name calling and doors slamming…”
“Do you?”
“God no”
He takes my hand and we walk into the kitchen. I look around and see the mess “what happened in here? Did the cupboard exploded?”
He looks embarrassed “I’ll clean it up”
“You did that?”
He nods. He takes me in his arms and sits me on the counter. “There are broken glasses all over the floor” he says answering to my puzzled look.
I stare at him and at my feet “I’m wearing shoes”
He positions himself between my legs, holding me tight. “Maybe I overreacted …a little”.
“A little? Were you out of your mind?”
“I’m back now” and places a lazy, wet kiss on my neck.
“I get the hint” feeling his erection pressing against my body and giggle.
“Hint? No-one has ever described it as a hint” and slides his hands under my shirt.
“Howard, not now, I’m really starving”
He locks his eyes into mines; he’s so serious now “tell me you’re still filing for divorce on Monday”
I shake my head “no. It’s all my fault, I was rushing too much. We need to slow down”
“I don’t want to. Please”
“I said no” I try to come up with my sweetest voice “let’s just say you’ll have to earn such a treat Mr. Howard Moron Donald”
“Don’t crack bloody jokes now. It’s not the moment”
“Well it’s not my fault! You…” I catch my breath “…no, I don’t want to fight. I just need some more time”
“Then make love to me now”
“Food first”
“If we don’t make love now I’ll think I’m dreaming and you really exit that door”
“I’m right here”
“Prove it”
I bite my lip “incredible the sort of sacrifices you have to do in life” and try to kiss him but he moves his head backwards.
“What now?” I ask
“No more bloody jokes. I love you”
“I love you too” and we kiss.

We make love, right there, and afterwards he’s busy making me breakfast. I walk around him trying to steal some of the food while he’s still cooking it.
“Stop it! It’s not ready yet”
“Looks like it’s ready enough to me! I’m starving!”
He picks the little box from the floor and gives it to me. “This should keep you busy for a while”
“What is it?”
“Open it”
I do and I see the keys. “Great minds think alike Titti. I wanted to ask you to move in with me” and stares at me waiting for my reaction.
“And you don’t want me anymore?”
“Do you?”
I jump into his arms smiling. He catches me unconsciously, my feet digging into his calves, my breasts smashed against his chest as my body flattens against his.
“Titti, I fucking swear I love you, but you’re gonna kill me one day or another” and kisses me, holding me tight.


We’re in my old apartment taking some of my stuff. It’s the first time he’s in my bedroom. I’m throwing all my clothes into a large duffle bag while Howard picks each one of my objects as if they are a clue. He runs his fingers over every surface, touching everything. My dance certificates, my old teddy bear. I smile to myself, he’s holding Jason, that’s its name but as he pointed out this morning, some things are better left unsaid. Still holding it moves to the pile of books I keep by the bed. He squats and scans the titles underlining the words with his index finger. Stands back and moves to my crystal vase, a present from my mother, when I was about 17. He opens my jewellery box, it contains my grandmother pearl necklaces, my diamond earrings, matching bracelets, my ruby ring, an old swatch I haven’t wore in ages and my engagement ring. He takes it with his finger and analyzes it carefully to eventually put it back. I’m staring at him, holding a couple of shirts, he hasn’t noticed I stopped moving. I see him burying his face into my pillow, don’t know what he hopes to smell. I haven’t slept in here in weeks. Opens a Muji plastic box standing by the bookshelves. Sits on the floor and starts taking the pictures out. There’s one of me, age 2 or 3, playing in the sand in a Tuscan beach. Another one my first day of school, we had already moved to Moscow by then. I see him smile and I know he got to the ‘Nobody Else’ tour stack. He spreads them on the floor and looks at me. “Come here” he invites me patting the carpet between his legs. I let the shirts fall into the bag and snuggle against him. “Look at my hair” I say, “better, look at yours” and we both giggle “have I ever told you how much I hated your dreadlocks?”
“Every day, many times a day” and rests his chin over my shoulder.
“Look at Maddi pointing at Mark’s ass! She had a true fixation for it. She would have me take pictures of it every chance we had!”
He gently kisses my cheek “we lost so much time…” whispers into my ears sending shivers down my spine.
“I think we’re catching up just fine, don’t you?”
He laughs “no doubt about it”. His hand keeps on fishing the pictures until he sees one and freezes. I turn so I can face him “Howard… I don’t know how it ended up there…”
He places a finger on my lips silencing me. “Let me see it”
“There’s no need to”
“You look beautiful” and stares at the picture of me, on my wedding day, smiling in front of a small church in the countryside near Florence, holding three sunflowers and weaving at the photographer.
“I cannot take any credit, it’s easy to look smashing when you have a make-up artist, and a hairdresser taking care of you and you’re wearing a dress that costs an arm and a leg”
“You look really happy” he can’t take his eyes off the picture.
“I was. My PhD thesis had just been published, I had a job waiting for me in London, my grandma had just given me enough money to buy this flat and I was about to marry my best friend”
He lets it fall back into the box and gets up placing his hands on my shoulders not to lose his balance.
“Howard…”
“I’m fine, we better keep packing your stuff”
I stand up too and get closer to him “Howard you know, we all have a past…”
“Of course”
“Look at me. I bet you must have some juicy story to tell me”
He sits on the bed “maybe, maybe you’re right. We’re adults and we cannot pretend we haven’t loved until now”
“Loved? Who said anything about love?” and I place my hands on my hips becoming increasingly nervous.
He looks into my eyes “Meredith Johnson” he whispers.
I swallow “who is she?” I try to keep my voice calm and neutral but inside I already hate her. My killer instinct is back with vengeance.
“I was madly in love with her” he’s staring at the carpet now “she broke my heart into million pieces”
*fuck*
“I asked her to marry me”
I don’t think I can speak but somehow my voice comes out “but you never married. Don’t tell me she died. Cannot compete with a dead lover. It would be unfair”
“No, she’s still alive, she didn’t want me”
“Where is Merebitch now? Are you still in touch with her?”
“No, I haven’t seen her in years, my mom does though”
I clench my fist, I’m so mad. He keeps staring at me “they both take their grandchildren to the same playgroups”
“What?” maybe I’m having an auditory hallucination.
“She was my teacher when I was 6” and laughs out loud “you should see your face” and mocks my voice “we all have a past…”
I jump straddling him and he falls with his back on the bed. I start punching his chest “you half-wit, moron” but he’s laughing so much I laugh too.
I cup his face and brush my nose against his “I’m so so sorry Howard, I had no idea…”
“That’s fine” and kisses me “now we better finish packing your clothes and go home”
“Home” and roll on my back so I lie by him “let’s go home…” I gently bite his earlobe “since we’re a real couple now, do I get to drive the Porsche?”
“Of course you do. In your dreams”
“Pillock”

I’m sitting on the couch watching tv when Sam comes back home. She looks happy, no, better she’s glowing. She takes her coat off and sinks on the couch by me.
“So… how’s James?” I ask. Maybe I went too far. We’re not that close, she’ll think I’m a nosy bitch. “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business”
“He’s fine. Thanks” and smiles “he had to work tonight though. Something about a presentation”
She doesn’t mind. “A lecture”
“That one”
“So I guess you like him?”
Sam starts giggling, then laughs uncontrollably. She puts her head down on the coffee table and bangs her forehead lightly twice.
“I take it as a yes”
“He is the sexiest, most romantic man you can imagine.”
“James!?”
She smiles, “do you know how refreshing it is to finally meet someone who’s not an alcoholic, a workaholic, or a commitment phobic? A man who is truly tender without being gay, who has no hidden girlfriends or wives or children? He’s a good kisser but not a pervert. He appreciates the fact I have a career and a brain and he’s not scared by the fact I am a real woman…”
I shake my head and sigh “shut! I’ve been working with him for months and I had no idea to be close to such a pearl…. Damn it! And now I’m stuck with your brother!”
We both laugh and she says “and not to mention he’s not one of those men that think the sooner the better…” winking at me.
“You said it! The ones who are so fast that you feel like telling them, hun I hope next time I’ll have the time to take my shoes off”
We’re both snorting now.
“Since we’re in a sharing mood I need to tell you in spite the fact I love your brother to death, I sometimes have the impression he’s not really bright”
“Does he think I’m still a virgin?” and she gestures me and herself to keep our voices lower.
I nod “I think he’s brain refuses to process any information containing the words Sam and sex”
She giggles “poor bro…”