STAND 7

I flip the pages of a magazine while Jason finishes up cooking whatever it is I was supposed to make.
“I’m breaking any previous record of me inside a kitchen, most diverse activities included too” and I wink at him. I stretch my arms “Are we done yet?”
He nods.
“Good! I’m out of here”
Jason looks at me “Don’t I deserve a kiss? This is a masterpiece” and looks at the pan in front of him
“Of course you do” and I stretch over the counter to smooch him
“Enough!” he pretends to be disgusted “I signed you up for cooking classes. Starting January 14th, you will be a pro in no time”
I look at him annoyed “I hope you can get your money back because I’m taking no classes”
“Wouldn’t you like to be able to cook us a nice dinner?”
“Can you wonder boy? But can try to date Maddi if you wish”
He knows he’s walking on a minefield, “I’ll use the garden door so they won’t know I was in here”
“Right” *ah yes. I was supposed to do it all by myself…*
I step into the living room where everyone else is. Need to forget to be pissed at Jason about the little house in the prairie project he has. I pull my arms out doing the victory sign with my fingers “I did it!” but Sophie and Ella are the only one smiling at me and cheering.
“Thanks people. I could have died in there”
Still no answer. They are too busy in their conversation so I sit down.
Taylor is jumping on his father laps when Gary makes a disgusted face “what’s this smell mate? Oh God, not again! Lara don’t look at me like that! I changed him the last time. It’s your turn now”
“My turn? I don’t think so. I went through a 23 hours labor so you could have your precious male hair. I did more than enough LOVE!”
Howard stands up “I’ll do it!” and takes him in his arms
“Doug you don’t have to” Gary says
“You kidding? Look at him. He’s too good looking to be yours. I think it’s time for him to get to know his real father”
Gary throw a pillow at him “that is not funny”
“But true”
“Howard” Lara is standing up “Gary was not supposed to know!” and smacks his head “what did we agree upon?”
“Sorry love” and he kisses her cheek
“I mean it, the two of you are getting into my nerves!”
“So, are you changing his nappy?”
“I’m not that pissed”
“That’s what I thought” so Howard heads up the stairs with Lara.

They go into Taylor’s bedroom. Howard places him on the changing table, takes his shoes off and starts unbuttoning his little jeans.
“You should have kids, you would be a great father”
He does not bother to turn towards her. He’s pulling funny faces at the baby “I’m waiting Mrs. Barlow”
She sighs “can you imagine what gorgeous children you and Camilla could have?”
He snorts “Taylor I will never understand women! I cannot believe your mother actually said something nice about her”. He turns to Lara “Do you really think we should have kids? He checks Taylor’s nappy and winces with pain “that is bloody disgusting! It must be a ton of shit! What are you? 45? I’m gonna throw up!”
Lara smiles at the two of them “I did not say anything nice about her. I said something nice about you”
“SAY IT! I fear you’re going to have a stroke if you don’t. Go ahead” and changes Taylor’s nappy
“She’s not right for you. I hate her with all my heart and the only think she loves about you, body excluded, it’s your Black American Express card” she looks down “I’m sorry but you asked for it.”
He pretends to bite Taylor’s tummy. He giggles like crazy.
“She’s not wedding material and I know better than having a kid with someone like her. Taylor pay attention. I’m going to grant you a lifesaving wisdom pill. Women are divided up into two categories: high maintenance ones – marriage, children, commitments of all sorts, grocery shopping and nights spent in front of the telly. Women like your beloved mother”
“There’s nothing wrong with watching the telly”
“If you do it with the right person. But there are also low maintenance women – sex, lots of it, fun and nights out. Camilla is their president. As long as I pay her bills and take her out she’s fine. She talks not more than 5 minutes a day and now with my new popularity she would do anything to keep me, anything” and winks. “The other night she showed up with Sharon. Do you remember her? Tall, redhead…”
“Don’t wanna hear about it”
He grins “Let me tell you, those two can work some serious hot magic! At a certain point I was totally lost. The Doug was LOST! I might really getting old, but let me tell you Lara, it was educational and funnnnnnnn!”
“What was fun?” I ask *stupid me! I was supposed to eavesdrop and tiptoe back downstairs! But no! I have to open my bloody mouth*
They both turns towards me, I make an ‘ops’ face, “sorry to interrupt. I was on my way back from the restroom *too much information*. ‘So, what’s fun?”
“Nothing” Howard answers coldly and takes Taylor back into his arms “you’re all clean and ready for dinner mate”
Lara looks at me “He was telling me about his wicked sex life. With alarming details too!”
“You don’t care” he tells me
I step in front of him with a smirk “I do, I was told you had sex with a 15 years old once. I wander if it’s true” try to crack a joke but it is so not working.
“That’s not funny” and he means it so I step on the side. He walks down the stairs when Lara gets closer to me “what did you say?”
“I don’t know. It’s always been like that. One moment is charming the next is ready to cut my throat open or simply ignore me.”
“It’s the Camilla’s effect. He’s turning into a male bitch”
I look at her “Isn’t Gary jealous of the two of you? I mean, you’re always together”
She bursts into a fit of laughter “Me and Howard? Oh boy! You know, when we have a male friend and we say he’s like a brother to us?”
I nod.
“Well, he’s like a sister to me! No sexual chemistry, to me Doug has the same sex appeal of a candlestick and to him I am the mother of his best friend’s children”
“If you think he has the sex appeal of a candlestick you need serious medical help”
She winks “am I missing something here?”
I place my hand in front of my body “Oh God NO! I’m stuck with Mr. Veggie Burger but still, doesn’t he look like the love child of Harrison Ford and Paul Newman?”


When we are about to sit down and have dinner Camilla comes down and joins us. She looks at me and Maddi “you’re the two new ones, aren’t you? I’m glad to finally meeting you”
“…But we met, last week” Maddi says
“Oh really? Forgive me, I’m so bad at remembering names and faces, unless they are very gorgeous ones” and giggles, “When I first saw my Diddilydougie I took a mental picture” and winks at him
I have to grab Maddi’s shirt so she doesn’t jump at her throat “I guess the flash light caused permanent damages” she hisses
“How does it feel to live into thin air?” I add and stand on tiptoe trying to see what’s behind her
She moves her hair, the same way actress do in commercials right before saying “because I’m worth it” and walks to Howard.
“Bratz doll” Maddi hisses
“What?” I ask
“That’s her nick-name. Lara came up with it and I think it’s perfect. What are you looking at?”
“Nothing, I was just thinking, if they could transplant 1/5 of her legs into mine I would be taller and sexier, and she would not even notice the difference”
“We don’t like her, so don’t even think about having a polite conversation with the Bratz doll”
“She has to live with Diddilydougie, I think she needs all the support we can give her”
Camilla is laughing for something he just whispered in her ear
“She said to Lara you’re the typical bitter, angry overachiever who spent all her life among books and now is dying to be into a relationship to prove the world you can be a woman too” Maddi says and crosses her arms waiting for my reaction.
“I go get a ladder and then I’ll beat the hell out of her. What did she say about you?”
“You can just imagine. She was really charming, but I decided to behave like an adult. Don’t eat the wild rice, it’s the only thing she will have tonight. I made sure to add a couple of flavorless ingredient so she has a night to remember”
“Wicked”

The table is fool of food and drinks. Mark is holding Maddi’s hand.
“So” Camilla says to her “you must consider yourself very lucky”. I notice Howard is placing his hands behind his head and stretching his legs “it’s gonna be fun” he mouths me
“Yes” she answers “I’m so glad we found each other again after…”
“That’s not what I meant…what are you? 35? Not so easy to find a man at that age”
“I’m 27” she snaps
“You don’t take enough good care of your skin honey”
I can see the killer instinct taking control of her mind. Maybe I should warn Camilla but Lara whispers into my ear “if she punches her I’ll kiss Maddi”
“I work, I cannot afford to spend 18 hours in front of a mirror, because that’s what it is, I hope you don’t think you have a twin sister”
Howard snorts
“Sarcasm isn’t good for you. Men don’t like it. You were single too, right?”
*talking to me Bratz doll? Keep me out of this. I said nothing*
Gary fears the worst so goes to the kitchen and brings back another tray.
“We were supposed to have a special dessert made by Titti, but she cheated…”
“I did not!”
He ignores me “so we decided to have Tiramisu instead”
“So I was right, crime does pay!” Jason says
“You’re not really eating it, right?” Camilla asks Lara
“Why shouldn’t I? It’s heaven in a plate”
“Do you have any idea what it does to your hips, and skin? Look at me. I would never poison my body with chocolate. If I feel the need of eating something sweet, I fight it using my Stairmaster”
Lara raises her spoon and waves it in front of her perfect face “do you want to know what I think you should do with your precious …”
“Lara, love, I think we get the idea”
“No Gary, I don’t think she does unless I spell it out for her”
Howard is pissing his pants off. “You’re not going to help her out?” I whisper to him.
He looks at me and wipes some tears from his eyes “why would I? That’s my favorite part, it happens all the time they are in the same room. I love it. To tell you the truth I’m waiting for the day they’ll get at each other’s throats… mud wrestling…”
“Howard!” I smack his arm