STAND 8

“Wakie, wakie”
I grunt, “five more minutes”
“Can you smell it?” Jason is pretending to be an hypnotist, *I hate morning persons, especially loud, annoying, cheerful morning persons* “It’s coffee, good coffee, get up, come to meeeeeee, follow the smellllll”
I wriggle deeper into the duvet “come and get me if you can” I mumble.
Biggest mistake ever, because Mr. Ray of Sunshine is also tall and fairly strong, so has no trouble at all grabbing the duvet and have it flying across the bedroom.
“Coooollllldddddd!” and I cuddle up as much as I can.
He gives me a bear hug “better now?” and kisses me. “Breakfast is ready. I’ll take a shower and I’ll drive you to BL”
I roll on my stomach and cover my head with his pillow “I’m calling in sick”
“What’s wrong?” he asks me concerned
“The holidays make me puke”
He takes the pillow off my head and hits me with it “you got me for a moment there! Do you remember what happened to the boy who cried wolf?”
“Did he get to stay home and not be annoyed by boring rhetorical questions?”
“No my dear. He was killed because no-one went to his rescue”
“Lucky bastard”
Jason laughs, “move it” and smacks my bottom “you don’t want to be late your last day of work. And Christmas celebration here we come!”

We’re very much stuck in traffic. “I told you I should have taken the tube. We’re never going to get to BL by 9”
“It was meant to be a nice gesture”
“I don’t have time for nice. I’m meeting the girls for a drink and I don’t want to have to work extra time tonight”
“Why are you so mad?”
“I hate the holidays, all this merry crap. And you’re making matters even worse, Santa’s little helper”
He smiles at me “I know you don’t usually celebrate it, but this year is going to be different. My mother and my brothers and my sisters and my nieces and my nephews and the rest of my relatives can’t wait to meet you”
“Can’t breath…” and I place my hands on my throat
He laughs “Nice try, you’ll have to do much better than that. We’re leaving tomorrow”
“What? So early? Can’t come”
“Why?”
“I have to kill myself”
“No problem, will you be done by 2? I want to get to Manchester before dinner time”
“Jay please, pretty please, let me stay here”
“All alone in London? No way! You’re coming and you will have fun. It’s an order” he mocks me
I seat back, looking outside *need to come up with a brilliant plane, ‘Great Escape’ style*

I’m walking down Euston Road, it’s freezing cold. Christmas lights decorate the streets of London, my mobile rings “I’m almost there, I swear, please forgive me!”
Loud background noises “don’t worry about us. We’re nice and warm.”
“Is Lara there already?”
“Yep! Surprisingly you’re the one who’s late. But take your time, we’re just gossiping about you”
“German bitch. I’ll take Northern line and be at Covent Garden in 20 minutes if there’s no signal failure” I say but I hear Maddi laugh. “There was one last time. I swear! Over Jay’s gorgeous body”
“Of course there was”


I push the door to ‘Punch & Judi pub’ and I see Maddi and Lara sitting at a table in the back.
“There you are!” Lara says “do you realize the entire western world is on holiday but you?”
I take off my coat and my hat “sorry. I just had to check a couple of important things before Christmas break”
“I can just imagine what sort of emergency you can experience in the dead world of medieval manuscripts” Maddi mocks me
“Should I leave?” I reply
“Touchy eh?”
I sigh and bury my face on her shoulder “Jason is driving me crazy. He wants me to go to Manchester for the holidays”
“What’s wrong about that?” Lara asks
I don’t want to talk about it so I say “where’s” and I look around me lowering my voice to a whisper “the Bratz doll?”
Lara gives us her angel eyes and places her hand over her mouth “Ops, I did it again! It must have slipped my mind. Forgot to call her. My bad. Next time”
“It’s Christmas!” Maddi says with a fake reprimanding tone “we’re supposed to be nice”
“It’s only December 22nd, we have 2 more days to be horrible and mean” Lara answers
“Well said!” I tell her “I need food and alcohol. How are the children?”
“Fine. I fear they might be plotting to kill us. We’re going to Hawaii tomorrow and I don’t know how I can manage the three of them on a plane. I’m told sleeping pills are not suited for their age”
“I would give it a try” Maddi suggests
“I’ll get the first round ladies, be right back”


Maddi finishes her drink “I can’t believe Mark accepted to come with me to Germany for the holidays. I mean, we’ve been dating for less than a month”
I keep sipping my Bacardi breezer playing with my red straw and looking at the olives in front of me. “Take me with you” I mumble
Lara looks at me “you’re going to be fine. The Oranges are fun”
I turn to Maddi and point my straw at her “if you dare making a joke about the fact they’re also good for you or you say anything about orange juice I’m gonna scream. I swear”
Maddi laughs at me “tell him you don’t want to go”
“I tried, using three different languages too. He doesn’t get it. And I don’t want to have to do small jolly talk to 100 strangers, who are, I believe, his immediate family”
“You’re being over dramatic”
“Excuse me? We’re talking about 5 brothers, 2 half sisters, 1 step-brother and 1 step-sister.” I show them my hands “I almost run out of fingers to count them. How sick is that? And I am not taking into consideration cousins. And all of them have partners, kids, and partners with kids. I cannot survive it. I can’t do family things. I was not programmed for it”
Lara laughs at my hysterical reaction “look on the bright side. Howard and Camilla will be up there too.”
I bang my head on the table “la ciliegina sulla torta….” I look at them “something like icing on the cake”
“You should definitely get her a present” Maddi adds “something like cyanide would do”
“Listen” Lara says to me “they’re coming to spend New Year’s Eve with us. They’re catching a plane on the 27th. Why don’t you come too? It will be fun. A party on the beach, fireworks and a midnight swim in the ocean”
“Why don’t you just shoot me? I came up with at least 23 different places we could be on the 31st, but no, Justin, aka the evil twin, he’s throwing a huge party ~ please notice the sarcasm in my voice ~ and my significant other won’t miss it for anything in the world. Unless we are attacked by alien forces, in that case he would maybe rethink it”
“Well, we need to cheer you up. Why don’t we go to the movies tonight?”
“I can’t, I’m having dinner with Gerry”
“Who’s Gerry?” Lara asks
I notice Maddi is about to say something so I kick her leg under the table. “A friend, we usually spend the holidays together, but not this year, the neat freak is taking me in a whole inclusive trip to hell. Do you think Camilla will play host?”
“I don’t understand what Howard sees in her”
Lara and I both stare at Maddi with an amused look on our faces “are you blind honey?”
“No I mean, we all know beauty is skin deep”
“Maybe he didn’t get the memo” and Lara almost chokes on her beer.
I check my watch, “I have to go. I can’t be late and I haven’t packed yet.” I stand up and wear my coat “so in case I need a help-line, can I call you?”
Maddi pretends to read her future in her white wine, “thanks” I hiss “I’ll remember it and when you will be down don’t expect me to come to your rescue. Lara look at her! Can you believe it? She would not even have a man if it wasn’t for me!”
“I told you, I will repay you”
“Ah right! They’re going to name their first daughter after me” I tell Lara
“Middle name” Maddi coughs
“You promised!”
“Change of heart, Titti Owen sounds like a cheap snack”
“That’s it. Farewell, I’ll go jump into the Thames”
“You can call me” Lara says “but do not forget about the time difference”
“The two of you need to work on your enthusiastic response to friends in need, really”. I hug both of them and leave.