STAND 9

We’re driving in the outskirts of Manchester. I’m bored and looking out of the window while Jason is singing at the top of his lungs.
“Dashing through the snowIn a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bob tails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A sleighing song tonight”
“Jason if you don’t stop immediately you can forget about all bedroom or kitchen activities involving my amiable person”
“Sing with me!” he laughs
“I mean it, one more jingle or bell or sleigh and I will start screaming”
He pulls the car over, unfastens his seat belt and cups my face with his hands “it’s going to be alright, I promise” and kisses me
“Don’t make me do it” I beg
He kisses me again “give it a try, for me. If you don’t really like it we can leave on the 27th”
“That’s 4 full days…”
He smiles and rubs my nose “you’ll fall in love with them”
“Why are you trying to change me? I thought you liked me for what I am”
“I do, I just want you to be happy, it’s gonna to be different, good different”
I just get lost into those blue eyes “Let’s go then” and I sigh waiting for him to start the car again. I stare at him puzzled, “So, aren’t we going?”
“That’s my mother’s house” and points behind my back “and before you turn your lovely head and have a heart attack, the one with the nose squeezed against the window pretending to snog it is my brother Justin”
“If you can feel some kind of compassion for me you start the car and drive me far far away”
“Chicken!”
I sigh, wear my best smile and turn around ready to face the tribe.

Jason is trying to close the door of our bedroom “thanks Justin and thanks Dominic, we can handle it from here” he laughs, I cannot understand what they’re saying back to him, but I can just imagine it. “Of course” he tells them “no prob. I said SEE YOU LATER and you better LEAVE HER ALONE! It’s an order! I MEAN IT!” He closes the door and leans his back against it. “Aren’t you proud of me? It took us only 20 minutes to walk from the car to the bedroom. When Dominc brought his girlfriend here for the first time she had to endure a cross-examination that lasted almost an hour”
I’m standing there, not laughing at his joke; arms crossed “your mother doesn’t like me”
“Nonsense, just give her some time.”
“I’m gonna ask you one time only, I’ll keep my voice down and I’m expecting a honest answer from you”
He gulps and nods
“What did you fucking tell her about me?”
He looks down “See … she was just a little surprised when I told her you were coming too. We’ve been dating for a few weeks so I had to tell her your family isn’t really a family and you don’t celebrate Christmas. It’s hard for her to understand the way your parents brought you up. I guess she must be thinking you were basically raised by wolves …”
I stare at him like I want to kill him “NOW YOU TELL ME?”
He gestures me to lower my voice. I stomp my foot on the floor “Now you tell me? Why are you putting me through all this? We could have waited. She’ll think I’m some gold digger, a slapper, a gold digger slapper!”“Calm down, she just needs to get to know you”
“Tell me she doesn’t know about the Nobody Else tour”
He lowers his eyes again
“Jason, you didn’t tell your mother about me, did you?”
“I didn’t, I told Justin thought” he whispers “and he might have told Emma who probably told mom”
“PERFECT, she will think I’m a mental gold digger and a slapper and I hate you! I’m out of here. Take me to the train station; I won’t become your lovely siblings’ laughing-stock”
He tries to hug me but I push him away “No-one thinks you are a slapper or a gold digger, even thought sometimes I fear you might be slightly mental” looks into my eyes “come on, a little smile, for Jason, a tiny smile? Please…”
I step back and I run my fingers through my hair “you are going to pay for it, big time. Shit!” I look around me “Are we going to sleep here? In this house? With all these people?”
“These people are my family”
“Yours” I sigh and turn around opening one of my bags.


He walks up behind my and puts his hands on my hips."What do you think you’re doing?" I ask standing up"Nothing," he murmurs nuzzling my neck.
“I’m not in the mood”
“Give me time baby and as I said, I’m doing nothing” and nibbles my ear"Umm humm," I reply "Doesn't feel like nothing."
"Oh that? That's just something that came up."
"Just a little something, huh?"
He bites my neck, "You're so not funny"
“You owe me big time Mr. Orange, but we don’t have time for it, you heard mommy dearest. Dinner will be served soon”“Let me worry about it” and he slides his hand under my jumper, my nipples harden under his touch.I moan and lean my back against his chest while he nibbles my earlobe and rolls my nipples between his thumbs and forefingers.
“Jason we don’t have…” but he turns me around and pulls me into him hard, our lips crushing, mouths against one another.
“That’s what happens when you don’t spend the night with me” and he gently pushes me down on the bed “I missed you so much, I felt so lonely”. I give him a mischievous look and lick my lips. I start taking off my jumper as I slide on the duvet. He smiles, crawling on top of me and trailing kisses across my chest to capture a nipple in his teeth. "Oh, you're going to be a bad boy today I see," I whisper."Oh yeah," he says unbuttoning my skirt. I raise my hips so he can pull it down along with my panties. We kiss again and his hand circles over my belly to reach in between my legs. I part them and he caresses me, driving me wild.I groan into his mouth “Jason, please, slower baby, slower”
“I thought we had no time” he grins and starts kissing his way down my body sucking my belly button as he passes.
I giggle “you and my belly button…”
He stops and looks at it “I love it. If one day I decide to get rid of you I’m keeping it”
I giggle for a second before closing my eyes as he pushes my thighs apart wide, and I can feel his heavy breathing against me. I wait but nothing happens. I stretch my neck to look at him, his beautiful sparkling blue eyes rising behind my legs. “I was thinking about a proper introduction, it has been so long”
I lock my fingers in his hair “I’m gonna kill you”
“No you won’t”
“Enough teasing! It was your idea” I hiss, he knows I’m losing control.
He bends and starts licking me, my hips thrust up with him in rhythm with his tongue. He slips a finger inside me, just a little way in, exerting gentle pressure downward, in and out in time to the rocking of my hips. He slips a second in. "Mmmm you are forgiven" I moan.
He brushes his lips against my belly and climbs on top of me. He leans on his hands while I unbutton his jeans pulling them down his ankles using my hands and feet. Our eyes lock while he pushes himself inside me.
“I really hate you sometimes” I whisper
“But not now” he grunts
“Not now” and he begins to thrust. I keep my eyes closed, mouth open, gasping, I know I won’t be able to hold it much longer, he thrust even harder until he groans and falls on top of me as we both start to giggle.
“Do you think they heard us?”
He gently caresses my hair “5 very much healthy boys grew up in this house, believe me, no-one notices anything anymore”Jason’s mum has a real full house. I’m walking down the corridor, trying to avoid all physical contacts with all the kids running up and down chasing each other. I find a little corner by the laundry room and I squat taking my mobile off my pocket. I dial Maddi’s number
“Help”
She laughs and hears the background noise, “Where are you? At the zoo?”
“This is serious shit, this people are crazy! All smiling and hugging. I counted at least 87 women rubbing my belly and asking me when we’re gonna give Jenny another grandchild”
“87”
“I counted them, I told you! It’s like being trapped in a Hallmark Christmas card. These people should be studied. Stop laughing, I mean it. My parents are scientists. There was no room for religious mumbo jumbo when I was growing up. You know them… but I cannot say it. I have a long list of conversation topics Jason prepared for me. Guess what, my parents, my marriage and the fact I had sex with Diddilydougie are not among them… Are you listening to me?”
“I’m sorry, Mark would like to know what’s going on. Did I hear it right? He’s censoring you? Tell me you’re kidding”
“No, I’m told the Orange plantation is all about first impressions, so I better behave, fuck!” I laugh “Sorry hun, I’m using up my daily dose of swearwords with you. Am I the best friend you could ever have or what? …What are you up to?”
“We’re heading to the airport, is there anything I can bring you from Bavaria?”
“A new identity, I could be Frau Heidi Rottenmeier and they would never find me”
“Hold on, Mark wants to talk to you…Hello Mrs. Santa!”
“I read it could snow in Germany, which means you could be trapped in that stupid plane of yours and eventually die”
“Jay was not kidding, you are one cranky lady”
“He said that? He dared to call me cranky? I have to put up with all this merry shit and I’m cranky?”
“Stop it! You need to forget what I just said. Done it?”
“In your dreams Mark”
“Anyway, you’ve been there for almost 24 hours, let’s see how good you are. Name all of Jason’s siblings, now!”
I laugh “don’t go there please, it’s like with seven dwarfs or the seven hills of Rome. No matter how hard I try I always forget the last two…is there a Mary?”
“No”
“So I’m missing three of them, bye guys, I’ll call you tomorrow, have a safe trip”
“Happy almost Christmas”



I wake up and Jason’s beautiful face is staring at me “Happy Christmas”
I smile at him “Happy Christmas to you too”
He sits on the bed “here’s your present! Open it!”
“What? No foreplay? Just like that?”
He kisses me “open it, I want to see your face when you see what I got you”
I start unwrapping it and it’s there, in my hands. My jaw drops “…Jason… I knew it was on the market but … it costs a fortune …it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever …”
“So I guess you like it?”
I carefully turn the pages “a 17th century edition of Shakespeare’s Sonnets?” I move my fingers over the printed words “thank you honey, thank you so much” and I kiss him
“So where’s mine?”
I’m reading my book “yours what?”
“My present”
Not taking my eyes off the sonnets “there you are” I stretch my arm to reach for something hidden under the bed and give it to him. He opens the little package “a tie?”
“Well, you know, men are bound to receive ties when women are eventually sick and tired to find something they might like. It usually happens after a couple of years into a relationship. I decided to skip the first part and got you one right away. I hope you like it, merry Christmas”
He takes the book from my hands, places it behind him, throws the tie across the room “I’m gonna ask you one more time. Where-is-my-present?”
“That flying thing was your present, and you should show some more appreciation, it took me forever to choose the right color”
He starts tickling me, “you win, alright!” I bend over the bed and look for another package under it. I hid it so well I need to stretch further in order to reach it and only my legs are still on the mattress “help, Jay, pull me back up”
He laughs and takes my feet helping me out. “There you go, merry Christmas man with no sense of humor”
He unwraps it and I look at him “I bet you like it”
He looks at me “you are crazy. A Patek Philippe watch? Did you steal a couple of manuscripts from BL and sold them on the black market? I cannot accept that. You are going to return it and will be happily wearing the tie”
I stroke his hair “don’t be silly, Gerry’s brother works for them. I got it for a very good price and if you don’t keep it I’m gonna get out of that door, stark naked and tell your mother about my crazy sex night with Howard. Do you think she would like me better then?”
He kisses me “you have a point. I cannot believe you asked Gerry to help you out buying a present for me”
“You have no idea the kind of stuff I ask him to do for me” and smirk

An hour later we’re all standing around the biggest Christmas tree I’ve ever seen in my life and the ritual of the presents has just begun. Every time a new package is opened there’s a series of high pitched screams, and ‘OHHH’, and “that’s exactly what I wanted/needed/hoped I would get”.
I look at Jason, wearing a Santa Clause’s hat, so happy to be here. I smile at him even though he can’t see me. “You’ll get used to it!” a female voice says
I jump and turn towards her *shit, is it Emma? Amy? Oh this is major bad*
She looks at me amused “I’m Sarah, it took me forever to learn all the names too”
I blush “I’m so sorry. This is really overwhelming”
“You’re doing great, you just need to try to talk more to Jenny. If you conquer her it’s done”
*what’s done?* “I don’t…” but my mobile starts ringing “I need to get that, I’m sorry, again”
“It’s fine, talk to you later”
I walk out to the garden, it’s freezing and I forgot my coat inside “MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE BARLOWS!” 5 voices scream in my ear
“Merry Christmas to you too. What time is it there? Shouldn’t you be in bed?”
Lara gets the phone “I wish, Sophie and Ella were so worried about Santa Clause not being able to find them here they stayed up all night. So since we are all wide awake we decided to start calling all the people we know”
I laugh “How’s Hawaii?”
“Fantastic, jump on a plane and come here! Unless you’re having the time of your life and singing Christmas carols”
“I was talking to Jason’s step-sister and I could not remember her name, his mother hates me and whishes I wasn’t here, having sex with his precious baby boy under her roof, I don’t know the words to ‘O Christmas Tree’, but I can honestly say it’s not as bad as I thought it would be”
“Poor thing. If you change your mind we’re here! Let me work my magic and see what I can do to cheer you up. Talk to you later!”
“There is nothing you can do, believe me. Ciao” I look through the window, all laughing and chatting. I decide to go for a little walk around the garden. *freezing cold, freezing* I stretch the sleeves of my jumper and cover my hands in them.

At the same time Lara is walking along the beach, “whatever it is, don’t” Gary tells her
She looks at him with an innocent smile “Me? I don’t know what you’re talking about”
“You have your ‘I’m about to play Cupid’ face. I can see little wings coming out of your back…where are your bow and arrows? And who are you thinking about? All of our closest friends are paired up…” he looks at her, head to toe “and you’re wearing way too many clothes to be a real Cupid and I must tell you, you are not inspiring your poor husband with romantic love” and kisses her neck.
“Gary stop it! I have a phone call to make…”
He widens his eyes “You’re not thinking about what I think you’re thinking right?”
“Maybe yes, maybe no…”
“Lara!”
“Gary!”
“Lara! I mean it!”
“I’m doing absolutely nothing, and besides, it wasn’t you singing give good feeling? Now, bugger off Mr. Barlow” and she dials the number