WITH OR WITHOUT YOU 25

*I need to call Howard. If I’m lucky enough he’s still staring at his mobile*. And all of sudden I feel it. My lungs are shrinking. *Oh god. It hasn’t happen in so long. Not now. Can’t breath. Need oxygen, the baby needs oxygen*
I collapse on my knees, holding my chest. *I need air, need to catch my breath* I put my hands on the floor, I’m coughing and wheezing. My head is light. *I need to stay calm. Where’s the inhaler? I’ll never make it to the phone*, dark spots in front of my eyes *I need to breath*. And the curtain falls.

“She’s opening her eyes”
“Welcome back, you should not take advantage of your doctor, I’m paid extra on Sunday, I don’t care if you’re my favorite patient”
My throat hurts and my head hurts, “Where am I?”
“Hospital, you remember me, James, your very much missed ex, your over qualified gynecologist?”
“Yes, what happened?” and I feel someone holding my hand. I turn and I see the Howard’s ghost right by my side. “How’s the baby?”
“Baby’s heartbeat is fine. He found you” and he’s pointing at Howard “you collapsed. Good thing he had to take Jason back home. You did not answer the door so he had to break in. 12 stitches in his hand by the way”
“I’m sorry”
“You should be, why didn’t you tell me you kicked him out? There’s nothing about it on your chart”
“Who are you, the bloody Sun?”
“And she’s back! Howard, she has the blood pressure of a depressed ant, but her grumpiness is up to standard, she’ll survive”
Howard hasn’t said a word yet, he’s just looking at me and I can tell he does not find the situation amusing.
I look at the bandage on his left hand, “does it hurt?” and I try to smile.
“How come I’ve lived with you for more than 2 years and I don’t know you have asthma?”
“Because it does not affect my daily life. I knew you would be worried sick and you wouldn’t let me breathe. Listen to me, I can still be funny”
“You are….” he’s really mad at me “do you have any idea what I felt when I found unconscious by the bed? You would not wake you up and basically had no pulse”
“We don’t know how long you were unconscious for; it took us 10 good minutes to bring you back to the living side. Breathing but not talking. Not so bad after all. Did you stop taking your medication?”
“No, of course not, I wouldn’t do that. I thought it was under control. I haven’t had and attack in years. I took my medication, I did, why did it happen? I saw no sign. Am so tired, I cannot talk about it now”
“I understand but I need to ask you few questions because I need to find you a new therapy, since the one we’re doing it’s obviously not working.”
“She’ll answer all the questions” and his tone does not leave room for further remarks on my side.
“Have you had any respiratory infection?”
“No”“You suffer from non-allergic asthma, lucky girl, so we need to cross out external factors too. What have you been eating lately?”“You mean since he’s not cooking for me?” and I’m looking at Howard
“Exactly, and considering your chef credentials I am scared about what your answer might be”
“Can you ask Howard to leave the room?”“No he cannot ask me to leave the room”
I sigh “let’s see … chips, crisps, chocolate bars – with and without nuts – ready-meals, microwave pizzas, ice-creams and pickles”
“You must be fucking kidding me!” boy he is mad. “YOU turned me into the scapegoat for all the evil on the planet and you cannot even get yourself a decent meal? If you’re the smart one our kids are truly fucked. We should consider adoption you know? Find them a decent home! You are fucking retarded”
“Howard, you can keep swearing once I’m done, thanks. So, taking into consideration the amount of shit you have been shoveling down your throat”
“Is that a medical term?” I ask
“Are you questioning my authority? 3 months with ‘Doctors without borders’ and you get a new perspective in some many things. Language is one of them. So how often have you been throwing up?”
“She has been throwing up almost 24/7 for the past month. When I suggested we should call you she said it was normal”
They are both looking at me and James add “you are the forth patient this week who graduated at the Med School for Dummies, are they offering pay two take three classes?”
“It was almost the same with Jason” I try to defend myself.
“Almost. A small, simple word making the difference between a doctor –me – and a patient – you.” Looks at the papers he is holding “So taking into consideration the blood test results and the fact I am almighty I can say Congratulations! You are the lucky winner of another life-long treatment. You have GERD, chronic condition, the liquid content of the stomach regurgitates into the esophagus, gross but can be easily healed. You’ll be fine and therefore you can go on making Howard’s life miserable. On the other side the growing fetus increases the pressure in the abdomen increasing reflux risks. So, to make a long story short, you will be fine but you cannot live alone until the baby is born. And if you’re wondering, the answer is no, I’m not taking you back. My wife would not like it.”
A nurse enters pushing a cart, “and since you’re with us we can have a scan and see what’s going on”
“But the baby is fine, you said it before” Howard seems sincerely overwhelmed but keeps stroking my hair.
“Yes Howard, the baby is fine, but I just wanna double check and we could officially introduce ourselves to the new fellow”
“Right”
“And besides, do you remember how excited we were when we found out about Jason? What was the little dance routine we invented?”
“James!” I burst.
“Touchy eh? Now I remember because we broke up. Here we go” and he places the very cold scan on my belly and a blur appears on the skin. “Yes, all parameters are ok, the baby is fine”
“Oh God!” Howard says “look at the little head, and the arms”
“The optical illusion festival. Again. I swear, if the two of you” and I’m looking at the two men around me “start doing an absurd baby talk imaging to see stuff you cannot obviously see”
“It’s picture clear, so cute!”
“You don’t really need me do you?” and I cover my head with the pillow “That thing could be anything, from an alien to a zucchini. I’m not dealing with it until it assumes a human form; I’ll leave the two of you to your own private happy parents’ party. I am tired, I mean it.”
“Well” and James gives another look at the screen and prints out several images from the scan “he is fine, development according to standards”
“He?” Howard says “Is a he?”
“I hope so, because if it’s a baby girl, you can start touring the country with your own freak show. If you know what I mean” and winks at Howard.
“James be professional! And you” turning to Howard “have nothing to laugh about!”
“Another boy! Only 9 to go and I can have my Donald United”
“9?” James asks
“It’s a long, depressing story, you don’t want to hear it. Another Donald man, I might need counseling”.
“I’m moving back in”
“I don’t need a nurse”
“It’s either me or your mother”