STAND 29

I’m standing in front of Howard’s door, ringing the bell for the third time. *if he’s in the kitchen cooking and listening to some shitty house music there’s no chance he’ll hear it*. I start contemplating the option of eating all the GU ice-cream I bought when I hear a car stop in front of the house. I decide to mind my own business and start looking for my mobile in my handbag so I can call him. I eventually find it when I hear a familiar voice screaming “you filthy bitch. I told you to stay away from him!”
*she must be talking to me*
I turn around and I see a cab, a puzzled taxi driver who’s placing a large suitcase on the sidewalk and her. *run for your life* that is my first thought. Easier said than done. My legs are not moving. “Howard” I call, but my voice is nothing more than a whisper “Howard help”.
Too late. Sam is marching against me like Dart Vader did when facing Obi-one-Kenobi. *shit, I feel very much like the Jedi master, but if I’m not mistake he was killed by the dark lord*.
I swallow hard and try to smile “Sam, you’re back! What a pleasant surprise. Have you already talked to your br…”
And she hits me, in the face, with all her strength and I go down like a sack of potatoes. *I take it as a no* I look at her. I bet she can tell I’m shit-scared. Cannot fight her back, in the sense I don’t know how to. Never needed to learn. I believe growing up with four older brothers must tough you up.
She grabs my coat to put me back on my feet “What did I tell you? Do you have any idea what my brother feels for you? And you treat him like dirt! I don’t know what you’re doing here but I’ll make sure to kick your ass all the way back into the filthy hole you come from!”
I try to protect my face as much as I can “no, you don’t understand” but she’s already pulling my hair.
That’s the moment when I start screaming at the top of my lungs Howard’s name and I finally hear the door open. He stands there looking at us, I wouldn’t bet my life on it but I’m almost sure he’s sniggering.
“Sam, you’re back, 4 days early” he says in very neutral tone
“Yep” she’s holding me by the collar of my coat shaking me “look who I found in front of your door! But don’t worry I’ll take care of her”
“Howard tell her” I manage to say
“Tell me what bitchy princess?” she says amused “want to call daddy? Are you scared?”
I nod and I hear Howard laughing “Hold a sec Sam, just like that”
“No prob big brother” she says blowing a lock off her face. So she’s still holding me, I’m trying to keep my balance and to remember some of the prayers the nuns taught me over the long years spent in their boarding school after the Nobody Else tour ‘incident’.
He comes back holding a camera *I’m gonna kill him, stupid son of a…*. “Sam, Titti, on my three say cheese” and takes a picture. Puts the camera on the small table by the door and walk to us. Places an arm behind my back “enough Sam. I believe she got the message and she won’t mess up with us in the future” he looks at me now “right love? Do you promise not to break my heart ever again?”
We both stare at him. She lets go off me. “What do you mean? I spent all last night comforting you. You were out of your mind. I was so worried I jumped on the first plane back so I could be with you. What the fuck it’s going on How?”
He moves his arm from behind my back around my waist and places a kiss on my cheek “she accepted me!” says to her smiling.
I look at his amused face, and her extremely pissed face and I do the only thing I can think of. I elbow him with all my strength.
“Fuck” he hisses bringing his hands on his stomach and bending forward.
“You idiot! She could have killed me!”
“Yes, you idiot! I could have killed her! Not mentioning I didn’t finish my job! Have you ever heard of a very useful invention? It’s called telephone you moron! You should have told me!”
“My turn now!” and I shut her up “why didn’t you open the door when I rang the first time? None of this would have happened! Fuck, it hurts” and I bring my hand to my cheek.
“Let me see it” he says in a sweet voice
“Don’t even think about getting any closer!”
“I’m so sorry” and he laughs hugging me
“I’m not kidding! Stay away from me, you’re the king of all morons” but I can’t be mad at him, simply can’t so I snuggle against him.
“We better put some ice on it. Before your cheek becomes the size of Dorset”

I’m sitting in the kitchen, with and icepack on my face and I can hear Howard and Sam arguing and then talking. I see the door opening and she comes in “I’m sorry, about before you know. I had no idea…does it hurt?”
I nod “I was shits scared out there” and we both laugh
“Yes, your face was priceless, I should have taken a picture”
“Maybe not. Ouch”
“You have no idea how messed up he was”
“I’m so sorry Sam. It was so complicated…”
“I’m just glad you’re together now, but don’t do it ever again. I froze my precious butt in Scotland. I’ve very close to take my own life at least a couple of times”
We’re chitchatting when Howard joins us carrying the ice-cream I left outside and places into the freezer. “Look at you, my two favorite women in the whole world in the same room and you’re not at each other’s throats. Well, to be honest I’m surprised Sam is not at your throat while you beg for mercy”
I throw the icepack at him “stronzo”
“I’m so sorry” and gently kisses my cheek “but look on the bright side, we have a great picture for out Christmas cards. And we could write something like ‘we wish you a smashing holiday season! Merry Christmas from the Donald clan’”
I look at Sam “isn’t it refreshing to know exactly what roles are inside a couple? He’s the body, I’m the mind”


Few days later I’m having coffee with Maddi in front of the BL. She orders some herbal tea instead of her double espresso.
“Are you pregnant?” I ask her
“Would you mind stop asking me every time we meet? I am not pregnant, I am not planning on getting pregnant and we haven’t talked about the option of having children yet. Further questions?”
I smile “if you say so”
“So tell me… you’re half way through shagging all the band members. How does it feel to be Miss Pariah McSlutty?”
I pout “I’m still stuck with same two. Remember? It’s like playing ping-pong Howard – Jason – Howard. And don’t worry about your precious Disney character; he’s really the last one on my to shag list”
“Mark told me Jason is really mad and hurt. He’s a pro so he won’t let his feelings get on the way but he shows up for rehearsal, does what he has to do and leaves”
I sigh “I know, Howard told me the same thing. He feels so guilty but … I wish there was something I could do”
“You did enough already” and laughs “oh come on! Don’t worry, Lara is already at work looking for a suitable replacement. She has already few girls in mind. Poor Jason is on a first date tour the force. Maybe that is the real reason he’s so pissed. I’m sorry you won’t be coming to dinner on Friday. Mark told me about Jason’s ultimatum. It sucks.”
“I think it’s fair, he doesn’t want to see me and I understand. Besides I have Howard, and honestly it’s the only thing that matter to me”
“Bloody hell! You not only entered the BING BANG BUM land, you’ve just been elected president”
“Yep! Wan the election in a landslide. If I had known I could feel like this… you should have told me!”
“I tried” and she laughs “… so what’s wrong?”
“With me?”
“No, with the lady sitting at the table at the end of the room. Of course I’m talking about you.”
“Sam and Gerry”
“Are they together?”
“You are a comedian. No they’re not together, I wish though. Actually, you just gave me the best idea!”
“Need information here”
“Well, since Sam came back from China”
“And bit the crap out of you”
“Can we please forget about it?”
“Not in a million years, it’s hilarious, and I can still see the mark on your cheek”
“Anyway, since she came back from China she’s moved in with Howard”
“And you”
“Yep. I mean, I like her but she’s always around. Always.”
“Talk to him”
“Do you think I’m stupid? The first time I asked him he agreed to kick her out of the house. But it was a pre-orgasm commitment, thus he refuses to honor it saying I tricked him” and I giggle.
“Cannot trust men” and shakes her head.
“Halleluiah sister. He said he’ll ask his precious and aggressive sister to move out the day I kick Gerry out of my flat and file for divorce”
“Smart and hot. It’s time Titti, Gerry has to go”
“I’ve been thinking about it but I can’t. And Howard is furious.”
“Surprise surprise”
“He doesn’t understand”
“No-one does, with the exception of you and your mental yet extremely spoiled husband”
“What if Howard leaves me? And in the meantime I divorce Gerry? I would be all alone in this world and I don’t want to”
“You’re not alone, I’m here”
“I know, but you have Mark and your children to take care of. I cannot be the spinster aunt who comes over for the holidays because she has nowhere else to go”
She covers her eyes “every time you talk about my future life I feel like I’m in one of those Kinder chocolate commercials. The perfect family in the perfect house. Honest to god, it gives me the creeps”
“You would be perfect and you know it. What you said before though. You gave me an excellent idea. If I find Sam a man, she won’t be spending that much time at home”
“Wicked. Do you have someone in mind?”
“What about James?”
“James ‘I’m an accident waiting to happen’ James? The one working for you?”
“Him”
“Howard cannot stand the guy, I heard him saying the worst thing about…Jack!” and laughs
“I know” and I wink at her, “so if they get together she would definitely move out, or at least spend as much time out of the house as she can”
“You are evil and therefore you should be destroyed”
“She punched me, she deserves him”
“Isn’t he gay?”
“I hope not. I mean, he’s clumsy and goofy but I don’t think…oh that would be unfortunate. If he is I would have to go for plan B and pair her up with Gerry. My life is pathetic; do you realize I only know two single men?”
“May I remind you one of them is married? To you?”
“Right, so I’m even more pathetic. I know one single man, and he could be gay”.